Author: Lois | Page 56 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #4: Remaining in the Same Organization

You leave an unhealthy or abusive church but are thinking of remaining within the same religious organization. You don’t question the main doctrine or perhaps believe you can help bring change from within. You haven’t done anything wrong, but are no longer in agreement on an issue or teaching.

Sometimes pastors take it upon themselves to call around to other area pastors within their organization, to ‘warn’ them about you. I know firsthand as it happened to me. I went to see a neighboring pastor, to decide if I might attend there, and he informed me that my former pastor had called with a warning concerning me. (He would have been fine with me becoming a member, though I decided that I could no longer attend these churches due to my changed beliefs.)

It is funny how some pastors, who feel that salvation isn’t found much outside their organization, will feel it is right to try and block a person from attending another church with their same ‘truth.’ Apparently they want them to be lost. Isn’t that really what they are saying with their actions? Or perhaps they are trying to force them to come back on their knees, begging to return. If so, that is pathetic, controlling, manipulative and sick. In the years since I left, I have heard numerous people share that their former pastor warned other pastors about them. (Another thing, that goes along with this, are pastors sometimes telling current members to have no contact with the person who left.)

If the pastor who is being warned is anything like the one doing the warning, then you will be told you are not welcome. They probably won’t even give you a chance to explain why you left. If they are not, you may have an opportunity to attend. There is a chance you could be welcomed openly, but there is more of a chance that you will be closely watched and not trusted, nor allowed to become involved. You may have to go through months of this before being fully accepted, that is if you don’t somehow ‘mess up’ in the meantime.

Should you find yourself in this place and not openly welcomed, you may want to consider the possibility that your reasons for leaving may not just be a local church issue (this is initially what I thought) and that there may be more wrong with the actual group than you thought. People are not owned by the church they attend, nor the pastor of it. And if someone is trying to keep you outside the walls of ‘truth,’ then perhaps that truth isn’t really what it is claimed to be.

If your church feels they have some special truth that the majority of people do not have, wouldn’t it be more fitting to do everything they can to reach out to you, even if they believe you are in sin or rebellion? Isn’t it better that you are saved, than cast aside and doomed for all eternity? From the actions of some, you wouldn’t think so!

In the United Pentecostal Church, no pastor is supposed to allow you to join their church without a letter of transfer from your former UPC pastor. This link on letters of transfer within the UPC may prove helpful as some pastors have wrongfully withheld it.

Many have attempted to change an unhealthy group from within and most are unsuccessful. These groups are often set up in a manner that is not open to the average member being able to bring about change. In some it is impossible. It is better to look to your own spiritual well being and pray for those yet within, than to remain in a system which may further hurt your spiritual walk.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #3: Why It May Be Important To Resign Your Membership

I promised to share why I believe there is good reason to formally resign your membership/ties with an unhealthy or abusive church. In doing some research six years ago on a slander lawsuit case involving a pastor in the United Pentecostal Church, it was discovered that it could be an important step in exiting. Please keep in mind while reading this, that I am not an attorney and am simply sharing some things I have learned through research.

I want to make very clear that I am NOT at all encouraging or saying that former members should sue their ex churches, especially not for frivolous things. However, some unhealthy churches can do serious harm to a person who left and there are times when a lawsuit may be appropriate, after much consideration, prayer and soul-searching.

Many do not realize there are legal issues involved with resigning your membership. For instance, if you are a member of an unincorporated church, you could be sued if leadership did something wrong. The church, as it is unincorporated, cannot be sued. This has been upheld in the court system. “Members of an unincorporated association are individually liable for tortious acts of agents or employees of the association if the tort is committed within the scope of their authority.” Golden v. Wilder, 4 S.W.2d 140, 143-44

In fact, this was affirmed in a case against a United Pentecostal Church in Tomball, Texas in 1991. Era L. Hutchins brought a class action lawsuit against Grace Tabernacle United Pentecostal Church, and an employee, Clifford Parker. (At the time, Danny Carpenter was the pastor.) It seems the church was using her property and stopped paying rent. The church had entered into a five-year lease with Hutchins and extended it verbally after five years. It appears for ten years afterward, the church continued payments and then refused starting in 1987. At some point Parker allegedly promised to help with two of the lots and instead took the property at a tax sale.

The church fought allowing Hutchins to file a class action suit, but a Court of Appeals in Texas stated, “In brief, the Church wants both the advantage of an unincorporated entity (no liability for the entity), and at the same time wants the advantage of a corporate entity (no liability for its members).”

I don’t know what happened to her lawsuit for back rent and the trustees allegedly defrauding her out of property. However, this case clearly shows that if you are a member of an unincorporated church, there is the possibility that you could personally be held liable for the wrongdoings of the church. It is definitely something to think about if you are part of an unhealthy church.

There is also a more important legal issue involved which protects you when you resign and has been upheld in various court cases across the USA.

Normally the courts do not become involved in matters between churches and their members, even over discipline. That is part of the separation of church and state in this country. Yet when a person resigns and thus formally cuts ties with a church, that church no longer has freedom to ‘discipline’ them. Things that an unhealthy church might get away with while you are officially a member, legally they no longer have a leg to stand on when you sever those ties. The legal system can and has become involved once one is no longer a member.

Should the former church slander you in such a way as to cause harm or do anything else harmful, you might only be able to combat that legally if you resigned your membership BEFORE those things happened. This came into play with the lawsuit previously mentioned. A former church has no right to deal with you, discipline you, etc. after you resign. If you do not resign membership, the courts view it as you being subject to the discipline of the church.

This link will take you to an article that will shed additional light on the subject, giving some background on legal cases. It is because of these things, that I now feel turning in a letter of resignation is a good idea when leaving an unhealthy or abusive church.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #2: Anything You Say Can, And Will, Be Used Against You

You are planning to leave your church and are contemplating writing something, or talking to, the pastor. In a healthy church, this would be easy…but in an unhealthy one, it is best to be cautious.

We are familiar with people being read their rights upon arrest and part of what is said is that “Anything you say can, and will, be used against you.” Unfortunately, though an unhealthy church doesn’t warn you of this, the same holds true with them.

For years I have cautioned people against giving details in any email or letter they may write to a pastor when they leave. If you include anything perceived to be negative, it will most likely be used against you. That would include sharing any thoughts on doctrine being erroneous, how the church is run, problems, and so on. The letter itself, or portions thereof, may be shared with members and it might be featured in a sermon. In an unhealthy church, your observations and complaints may be shared in an effort to paint you in a negative light and to keep members from having contact with you. This, in turn, causes others pause who are having similar thoughts, by getting a glimpse of how they may be treated.

If you write a letter of resignation, and I would encourage it (more in a future post), keep it brief and simple. Avoid sharing your reasons for leaving. If you can do it sincerely, consider thanking the pastor or church for something that helped you during your time there or share that you leave with some good memories. I would not mention where you will be attending church, if you have decided that. (Some pastors will call the church to warn them about you.) By keeping it short and nice, you will save yourself some heartache and won’t be giving the leadership any ammunition to use against you. Keep a copy for yourself.

The pastor may push to meet with you, but understand that the purpose may be to persuade you to remain and perhaps tell you where you have gone wrong or attempt to scare you. While you may not have shared the reason for your exit, sometimes one can give off unspoken signals in the weeks or days before leaving. These may be interpreted as you being backslid, rebellious, unteachable, and anything else negative.

You have no obligation to speak to the pastor. If you know the pastor to be abusive, I would advise against it. Consider having someone go with you as a witness if you do meet. Be aware that sometimes they will take the opposite approach and perhaps even sympathize and promise things will change. This has worked in causing some to remain, leaving them trying to reach the proverbial carrot on a stick that will never be within reach.

For anyone interested, below is my resignation letter, with the church name removed. Today I would probably write it differently, omitting the part about changing churches. It was also written before I learned about spiritual abuse. Though he called fellow United Pentecostal Church pastors to warn them about me, I never heard of him sharing this letter with members of the church.

Dear Bro. Taylor:

Recently I have made the decision to leave the ___ Church and attend another church. I have not yet made the decision on which church this will be, but I am attending church services.

This has not been an easy decision to make, nor was it done hastily. It is not being done to hurt anyone. I feel that this is a move I need to make regardless of what anyone may think or say, be it good or bad. I myself have always felt that it was wrong to change churches unless you were moving, getting married, etc., but now feel that there are times when one may move on for other reasons than these.

I want to say that I have learned much from the many years I was a member of the church and have grown spiritually. There are things which you have taught that will always stay with me. I will always remember and love you and Sister Taylor.

Though I am still praying about which church to attend, I felt I needed to let you know about my decision to leave. I wish you and Sister Taylor the best. May God lead and bless you.

Again, guard your own heart in how you leave and maintain your integrity. And remember- anything you say can, and will, be used against you…..

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #1: You and Those Who Remain

So you may be thinking of leaving your church because you believe they are unhealthy, abusive, or you are no longer in agreement with some teachings. How should you go about this? There is a tremendous difference between leaving an unhealthy church and a healthy one.

Some become worried about how their exit may affect those remaining and what will be said about them. Unfortunately, in an unhealthy church you can almost never leave in a way that would cause people not to talk. I know it can hurt, but realize people are going to talk, even tell lies. You probably saw this happen while you were involved and maybe even participated. There isn’t anything you can do to stop it, so learn to rest in the fact that you know the truth about your exit and so does God. You will be spinning your wheels if you run around, trying to put out all the little fires caused by wagging tongues. It will also hinder your own healing and recovery as your time and energy will be spent on them.

As to those remaining, trust that God will take care of them. Yes, your leaving may hurt and cause some to question, even result in some shunning or thinking ill of you. Yet you should not remain because of other people. This is about your walk with God, not theirs. You should do what you feel God is showing YOU to do. Think of your own well being and what remaining in an unhealthy church might do. If God opened your eyes to what is unhealthy and/or abusive or to erroneous teachings, He can do the same for your friends and family. Just understand that they may not be at the same place as you and may not be for months or even years down the road.

Don’t try to pull anyone out with you when you leave as you may cause more harm than good. Each person needs to be fully persuaded in their own mind. Take care in how much you tell current members with regard to why you are leaving or have left- and how you say it. Make sure you leave with a good conscience and guard your own heart and don’t do things you will later regret. It is one thing for people to believe or tell lies about your leaving, but it is another to have to live with doing things you know you ought not to have done. Keep your integrity even if others lose theirs.

In the future I will share some other issues about leaving that are important to consider.

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Tithing Food Stamp Money

Through the years I have heard reports of pastors demanding people to tithe on the food stamp/assistance money they receive from the government. This came up in one of our support groups again yesterday and I decided to blog about it.

Many churches demand that people tithe if they wish to be a member. Some demand it whether or not you officially join a church. Many claim one is robbing God if they do not pay the church or the pastor 10% of their income. (Some pastors claim the tithe all belongs to them and separate offerings go to the church.) The church tithe today is nothing like the biblical tithe and isn’t given to the same people, but I will stop at that since it is not the subject of this writing.

Those who are eligible for food stamps/assistance are on limited incomes. No one should be requesting these people to tithe on their food stamps. Is a pastor taking food out of your mouth, and the mouths of your family members? It is ILLEGAL. Did you get that pastors and church members? Depending on the amount of money involved, it is either a misdemeanor or a FELONY to use the food stamp money belonging to someone else. It was not issued to you, Pastor. You were not approved to receive the funds or the food which those funds purchase. Asking or demanding people to tithe on food stamps is encouraging people to help you commit a crime. You are jeopardizing their benefits. Demanding such, under penalty of the loss of salvation or a curse from God is despicable.

This has happened in Oneness Pentecostal and other type churches. A man named David has alleged that the late L.E. Westberg, a United Pentecostal Church minister and pastor, required it. (“Church members on government assistance was required to pay tithes on food stamps Darlene would prepare a list of food she liked and the members would have to pick it up.”)

If the pastor of your church has demanded such from you, DO NOT use those funds for the pastor by purchasing food items for him/her. If you have been doing this, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Do not allow the pastor to use your food stamps or card. Do not accept a list of items that the pastor or their spouse demands you to purchase for them with those funds. You do not owe the pastor or church one penny of that money.

Report any such pastor to the appropriate Office of Inspector General (OIG), USDA, as they investigate criminal violations of the Food Stamp Act. This PDF file will give you the proper address to send a complaint. Please do not give any pastor a pass on this. Even if you did not give in to the demand, others probably have. If a pastor is that bad off, then he/she should apply for their own food assistance.

A religious group is currently in trouble for taking food stamp money from its members. If your pastor requires this of you and others, he/she could be next and should be. It is not a matter of religious freedom- it is called breaking the law and greed.

Edited later to add: Thank you to Suzanne Calulu at Patheos.com and all those on Facebook, Google and Twitter for helping to spread the word!