Even though we had trusted Pastor Andrew Ray as a man who was compassionate, forth-telling and honest, he proved himself in this Sunday meeting to have become manipulative and deceitful, just as Douglas Stauffer had been along the way. Our own pastor used emotional manipulation to corner us for information, used Stauffer’s obvious misinterpretations of written correspondence to accuse me of working around my husband, and of course continued to use the correspondence with Will Hess as supporting proof of my own wrong-doing, rather than Stauffer’s. Pastor Ray expressed his belief that we “set-up” Stauffer by requesting that he not contact us until after my husband, Matthew Olds, was off from work, and Pastor continued to defend Stauffer’s actions despite us bringing Stauffer’s deceitfulness to light in multiple instances. Upon hearing that we forwarded Stauffer’s messages to the Williams* family for the sake of context, Pastor told Stauffer not to communicate in writing from that point forward, limiting any further proof of their actions. One of the most baffling points, however, was when Pastor Ray encouraged us to entrust Stauffer with the personal details of the trauma left from being spiritually abused! While we feel that the majority of Pastor’s conclusions were merely expressions stemming from Stauffer’s hunger for power under the guise of a man who cared about and protected his pastor, Pastor Ray expressed them as fact and made his decisions moving forward accordingly.
**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**
Emotionally Cornered for Information
Pastor Ray inquired repeatedly about past members sharing information about the details surrounding their departure from Antioch Baptist Church. To make matters worse, Pastor Ray stated that though he believed someone close to us “[did] not have our best interest at heart,” he needed to know who we had spoken with and what they said before he would give us the information. Several of the old members reached out to me during the week as an encouragement after seeing the initial post and the two scrutinized apology posts. These people, my friends, were hurting. For many, their families were broken, including several strong Christian teenagers that had their spiritual foundations ripped out from underneath of them and shattered by those in leadership at Antioch Baptist Church. Many have yet to recover even as of 2020.
To make matters worse, many of these people lived in fear of what chaos and destruction could come to their families should anything get back to our pastor’s family, and they were just thankful to finally be away from the drama. When they shared their stories, it was not to tear down Pastor Ray or Antioch Baptist Church. They hesitantly, yet compassionately, opened their wounds to show me that I was not crazy, that I was not alone, and that God is yet faithful. Not only were their stories and experiences confidential until otherwise stated, but I was determined not to give more ammunition by throwing them over to the wolves.
A few days prior to meeting with Pastor Ray, Miranda Crawford* shared the destructive impact of the pastor’s family on their household, and the Martin’s* comforted and encouraged me over at their house while our children played together. While I was there, the Williams* contacted the Martins* about not sharing information with us for the sake of not touching God’s anointed. Within a day or two, Edward Williams* called my husband for the same purpose. Somehow, Pastor Ray learned about Edward Williams* calling several who had left, and according to Matt’s understanding from the meeting, Pastor Ray believed that Edward* had called Matt specifically to get me under my husband’s thumb.
Until we admitted that the Williams* had contacted us, Pastor Ray refused to reveal who he thought “did not have our best interest at heart.” After receiving the desired confirmation, Pastor Ray divulged, from what I feel was paranoia, his belief that the families who left wanted to use me as a spokesman for what happened to them. The problem with his accusation, however, was that no one shared their story with us before my initial Facebook post about Stauffer’s message, and those that did, hesitated out of a desire for peace. I am the one who chose to speak up in order to call out a wicked man abusing the pulpit and to bring the hurt on both sides to light, not them. Even though a few people told us what happened shortly after my initial post, I was not going to tell Pastor Ray because many of those families were afraid of the potential repercussions on their recovering families if they shared information and it got back to the Ray family.
Beating the Dead Horse…. Again.
Throughout the process of going through the details of Stauffer’s actions from the past week, we feel that Pastor Ray defended Doug Stauffer and attempted to deflect any accusations by changing the focus and subject matter entirely. When we brought to light Stauffer’s continued harassment from Sunday evening until the meeting on Tuesday, Pastor Ray reverted back to focusing on my short conversation with Will Hess about the content of Matthew 18. In the comments on my initial post, I was confused on how Will Hess was referencing the passage, and I inquired about if Matthew 18 was about going to a person first when offended. Once again, however, I never accused Stauffer of not going to people first. I merely asked Will Hess for clarification on the TOPIC of Matthew 18.
Subtlety and Submission
Pastor Ray also presented, again, Stauffer’s false accusation of Matt not knowing about my posts/messages, despite that we had already clarified the statements on multiple occasions. When Matt merely stated that he had not seen the posts yet that day, he explicitly referenced them in the context of that he was at work and had not had a break to read the details of what Stauffer was harassing him about! In light of Antioch Baptist Church’s extreme views on leadership and submission, the twisting of Matt’s words created the perspective that not only was I acting outside of the leadership of my husband, but that I was purposefully attempting to hide my actions from him. This automatically resulted in the assertion that Matt did not have proper control of his home, thus lacking even more severely as a leader and as a man in the eyes of the inner circle. Then again, I had already been the discussion of the several within the inner circle about my lack of submission to my husband, and this only supported their previous conclusions.
The “Set-Up”
Two days after Stauffer’s carnal message, Stauffer went against Matt’s direct request not to contact/harass either one of us while Matt was at work, and when confronted, he asked if Matt’s opinion was the only one that mattered. When we brought this up to Pastor Ray in the meeting, he said that he had Stauffer pull out of the conversation because it was a “set-up.” We were confused on how it was a “set-up” when Stauffer was the one who did the harassing, but Pastor’s definition of a “set-up” was that there was no time to reply back between Matt getting off at work at 5pm and the evening service starting at 7pm. One important aspect to note, however, is that this is the ONLY situation that Pastor admitted to Stauffer’s actions being out of line.
Stauffer’s Deceitfulness
From the Tuesday evening meeting with Douglas Stauffer, I brought up to Pastor how Stauffer apologized for his actions, but then said on multiple occasions that he was defending Pastor Ray. Stauffer claimed Pastor had come to him and said, “You had better deal with it, or I will,” thereby giving him the authority to handle the situation in the pastor’s stead. Not surprisingly, this turned out to be a manipulation of the truth as Pastor clarified his original statement to Stauffer that Stauffer needed to work it out with us. We brought up how Stauffer had said that he was going to come down on someone, but that he did not want them to have a head’s up. Once again, Pastor did not openly admit to any fault of Stauffer’s.
One interesting note, however, is that Pastor Ray asked us if we had been in communication with the pastor’s daughter of a church that split off from Antioch Baptist Church in times past. We were under the impression that this church was a “sister church,” but it turns out that many within the inner circle at Antioch actually had a disdain towards it. I had not had been in contact with her recently at that point, but I made sure to contact her afterwards to give her a heads up on to situation. We still have no idea as to the reason for this question, but we feel that Pastor was likely digging for information again or looking to corner or manipulate us again.
Ray and Stauffer’s Decision to Limit Further Documentation
Tara Williams*, a close friend of mine, frustrated and annoyed me to no end with advising that we not say anything “against God’s anointed.” No worries, she was well aware of my frustration, and she and I were still friends, but she attempted, at all costs, to place the Ray family and Antioch Baptist Church in a positive light. Even when people approached her for counsel, she advised them to try to remember what they first loved about the church. In no uncertain terms, I was tired of being told that Douglas Stauffer and Andrew Ray were men of God, and that we needed to show them grace and understanding. No amount of expressing this frustration to Pastor Ray seemed to have any impact on his view of the William’s* hand in the current situation.
In the process of defending the Williams’* testimony and character against sharing information and being used as their spokesman, I stated that I had sent all of the Facebook messages to Tara Williams*, despite her push to not speak against God’s man, because her family had been considering coming to the Bible Conference that week and they needed to know the truth about the dangers of coming. Upon learning that I sent this information to the Williams’* family, Pastor Andrew Ray asked if we thought that Stauffer should know of the Williams’* knowledge of the situation so he could “make it right.” We had our own opinion, but Pastor Ray later referenced this situation as the reason for determining not to have any written correspondence/documentation moving forward.
Simple Mind or Subtle Devices?
Amongst the chaos, one of the most baffling aspects of the meeting was when Pastor informed us of his belief that we should tell Stauffer more about my past with spiritual abuse so that Stauffer had a better understanding of where I was coming from. I had been posting information about spiritual abuse online, and yes, I was indirectly making the connections between the spiritual abuse I had endured in the past and Stauffer’s actions in the present. That information was specifically limited, but Stauffer went on one of the posts and attempted to make it look like I had been married previously, a state severely frowned upon in Independent Fundamental Baptist churches and ministries! We informed pastor that information is based on trust, and that we do not trust Stauffer.
Pastor proceeded to tell us that we do not trust Stauffer, and Stauffer does not trust us. He believed that we trust him- Pastor Ray- because we have talked in the past, and he hoped that if I shared with Stauffer about what I had been through (spiritual, emotional and mental abuse), that it might give Stauffer a better perspective of where I was coming from. Pastor Ray actually believed that talking with Stauffer would help to establish trust! The last thing I was going to do was give personal information to man who harassed me, went around my husband to attack me further, twisted my words on multiple occasion even after clarification, and then continued to defend his actions! Trust is earned, and Stauffer had only proven himself to be deceitful and untrustworthy in the past.
In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Our Pastor’s True Colors Begin to Show (Part Two)” or click on the link below.
For a list of the complete series, click here.
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