It’s about midnight. I’m at Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, laying in the hospital bed besides Mom, trying to relax enough to get some sleep.
Mom is hurting. She’s having a seriously rough go. She recognizes us, and can communicate some, but she’s also really confused, kind of delirious. It’s a weird combination…one second everything is positive, and then next, she says something really out there. Tonight, she’s been crying “mother.” My grandma passed before I was ever born.
Anyway, around thirty minutes ago, Mom goes in her tired voice, “I’d sure like to listen to some Gaithers.”
Of course, I put some of their music on for her to listen to. For a few moments, she looked enough at peace to get a little sleep. (That’s something she hasn’t done like she’s supposed to!) Earlier in the night, I even heard her say a little prayer.
My point is that while seeing this, an old nasty apostolic thought came to mind. While I was part of that organization, (In fact, I was once a licensed minister of the United Pentecostal Church), there was the ongoing thought that my family was not saved. Mom…Dad…my brothers and sisters…everyone… By UPCI theology, they didn’t have Jesus. The Holy Spirit wasn’t in their life. Regardless of how often my mom attended her church, prayed, sang to her Lord, testified, etc… My mom was still lost, and it was my job to try, in a “ministerial” way, to bring her to the “full Truth.”
I was stupid.
I get a little hard on myself knowing that I embraced the ridiculous within the doctrine, but I will also sometimes cut myself some slack. I was young, I was trying to do the right thing, and I felt locked in a box that didn’t really give me the chance to see, or be around, others praying (and living) their faith. How can you “try the spirits” to see if they are “of God,” when you’re confined to only one “spirit?”
Some folks definitely deserve some slack. Not everyone I’ve known in that organization played God. There are good people there…and all of them have grace…but still… I can’t help but think of those ministers, people, who think folks like my mom don’t have Jesus IN her life. She has Jesus.
What she doesn’t have is their religion.
There have been a lot of people who have been written off by Apostolic Christians. Here is a truth, a lot of people who left Apostolic Christianity…NEVER left Christ. Here is another Truth. He has never deserted anyone who has run from detrimental dogma of Apostolic Christianity.
I’m thankful that His Love…
…Grace…
…and presence gives comfort to my mother. Especially during these late hours.
Some people create doctrines in order to enable themselves to be blind to the faith of others. To blind ourselves of faith is often a choice we place upon ourselves. Please don’t build a wall up that keeps you from seeing, and from being an encouraging part of, the faith of others. Ultimately, it’s a waste of your time because you will never know the heart and mind as well as you think you might.
Life…it’s all about Jesus.
Having Him in your life, and Him having us.
Note: When I started writing this, I was a little bit angry…and that might be easy to tell by my title of this piece.
But, by the time I finished…I wasn’t mad anymore. Right now, I’m just really glad and thankful that I don’t continue to live in the shell of my former thoughts. You end up thinking and talking like you have something special that everyone else doesn’t, but really…if you want Jesus in your life, He will be there.
‘nuff said.
Very good reading and advice. I have loved who have gone on that I would love to share my coming out of UPC with. We can’t go back and undo. But we can take what we have learned and move forward. God brought us out for a reason. We need to learn to let go of where we were and look at now and where we are heading. Take what we’ve learned is untruths and be thankful we are no longer in all of that. It takes people a different amount of time to move forward but it is the path to be walking on. I will be praying for your mother.
Love it, John!
Blessings