At first, what had led me to seriously consider leaving my United Pentecostal church was not doctrine or standards, but a mess of problems stemming from the church owned daycare where I was employed. My best friend at the time was the head teacher and we’d been experiencing difficulties in our relationship. She was hardly there and didn’t teach (we ran under her teaching credentials). One thing led to another so in 1993 I turned in my resignation, which was effective at the end of the summer session. During this time I started to feel that it was no longer my church as the daycare events seeped over into church- a terrible feeling after almost 13 years as an actively involved member. I still recall speaking to one of the daughters of the pastor, who was no longer a member of the church but worked at the daycare, and saying that if things didn’t change I’d have to think about leaving the church as well as the daycare.
Needing to be able to think clearly, I took off and crashed at a friend’s home in West Virginia for about three weeks after I resigned and spoke to them about what had been happening. It was a couple I’d met in the late 80s who had spent time at the church and knew the people and how the pastor operated. They’d become like a second set of parents to me, arriving shortly after my mother had passed away and my father had moved out-of-state.
While I was in West Virginia, the pastor at my home church had taken an entire Thursday night service and played a tape of a Christian radio broadcast (read a transcript of it here) that a former couple from the church made on the topic of spiritual abuse. His reasoning was to show them what people were saying about us. The church members seemed very upset by this couple. One would not have known what church they were referring to unless they had known them since no names were mentioned. I didn’t like what I was seeing and was curious to hear this ‘horrid’ broadcast. I borrowed it from the pastor and listened to it in the privacy of my home.
My reaction was far from that of the many church members who heard it while I had been away. Though I disagreed in areas, I understood what they were saying. It caused me to start wondering about the validity of standards taught in the United Pentecostal Church.
From here I ventured to Pennsylvania for a couple days to stay with another couple who had previously left our church and whose present church had dropped out of the UPC. I took the tape with me, played it for them, and while they listened and agreed with all that was on the tape, I paced the floor. It was starting to really hit home about some actions made by the pastor and I was realizing he did some very wrong things. It was quite upsetting and hard to come to grips with it. Here I had been seeing first hand the other side of what had happened to others before me, due to my involvement with the daycare. None of it felt good.
Immediately upon returning home, I visited with the one pastor’s daughter and her husband and discussed some issues and spent a few hours at their home. Now I had even more to digest as PKs see and hear a lot.
I started seriously wondering about the standards taught by the UPC and ventured into the uncut women’s hair doctrine. I wanted to know the truth! Though there were some issues I had studied more in depth while a member, though I was seeing through UPC glasses, this is one that had only been looked at on the surface. Their explanation of 1 Corinthians 11 seemed to make sense and I had long ago stopped cutting my hair and followed the teaching. I wanted to please God.
The confusion hit big time as I started to delve into the matter. I had writings from the UPC to read as well as a few other things which gave differing viewpoints. One day I’d feel the UPC was correct and the next felt they were in error. Talk about wavering. I recall getting together with a friend who is a lawyer and we’d bat things back and forth, coming back at each other with responses that the UPC would give to different points we made. How was one to know for sure? Was the UPC correct in their teaching? Were they in error? I did not have the answers.
Upon further study, I decided to jump head first into the Bible, looking for any and all mentions of hair in both the Old and New Testaments. Surely if this were a principle important to God, it would have been taught in the Old Testament. Yet nothing was found there to support the doctrine. The confusion started to ease as I studied more and dissected 1 Corinthians 11. What had once been clear to me as a UPC member, now was not. My findings showed that the Bible did not teach that a woman could never cut her hair.
Having finally laid that matter to rest, an uneasiness came over me and a thought came: “Now just what else is wrong that you’ve been taught?” Oh, yuck! I didn’t enjoy that thought at all. Talk about feeling like the rug has just been pulled out from under your feet and you were wobbling, trying to catch your balance. Where did it end? How was I going to know? Was any of what I’d sworn was true really true?
These were some of my thoughts. I now had a leeriness toward pastors and would forever be changed in this area. No more would I simply accept what a minister told me without finding out for myself. No more would I blindly defend any Christian denomination as if they could not be wrong in doctrine.
Did all of the confusion magically disappear? Were all my questions and thoughts suddenly answered? No. It was a process…a process which varies from person to person. A lot depends on whether or not one is willing to tackle the areas with which they find themselves confronted. Confusion will diminish and go away as one comes to terms with any teachings/incidents they find themselves questioning. But I thoroughly believe, that as it was with me, that this confusion may not fully leave until one studies the Bible for themselves and rests their conclusions solely upon what it says.
This was part of my experience. Confusion, not knowing who or what to believe, is surely part of the exiting process of any abusive group. But there is hope and there are answers to your questions. Regardless of the turmoil one may feel as they go through this stage, trust that God will lead and guide you and open your understanding to what the Scriptures truly teach.
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #1: You and Those Who Remain
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #2: Anything You Say Can, And Will, Be Used Against You
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #3: Why It May Be Important To Resign Your Membership
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #4: Remaining in the Same Organization
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #5: Don’t Listen To The Gossip
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #6: How You Are Treated
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #7: It Happens To Ministers, Too
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #8: The Way Of The Transgressor Is Hard!
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #9: Some Must Return To Remember Why They Left
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #10: Sorting Through The Teachings
Leaving an Unhealthy Church #11: Confusion & Not Knowing Who or What to Believe
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #12: Can I Go To A Church Where I Don’t Agree With Everything?
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #13: A Warped View of God
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2 (Leaving Your Comfort Zone)
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3 (Triggers)
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #17: Looking For A New Church Part 4 (Manifestations/Demonstrations)
Leaving An Unhealthy Church #18: Looking For A New Church Part 5 (Church Attendance: A Matter of Life or Death?)
I read the transcript you linked and it gave me flashbacks to my old church. Maybe they are more alike than I can believe.. .
Unfortunately, all too many are…..
Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve experienced. I’ve been going through the same thing the past year. I was at the height of my relationship with God and I fully believed everything taught in UPC, I was a strong Pentecostal advocate. Over the summer a non Pentecostal friend of mine invited me to a home church type thing at our friends house, and it shook me to the core. I saw people being greatly used by God and blessed with spiritual gifts and completely head over heals in love with Jesus. People that because they didn’t follow Pentecostal principals, were considered lost by my entire church. I knew that wasn’t true, and it caused me to doubt a lot. I asked myself “why does God use these people so greatly when they wear pants and jewelry and cut their hair”. I was thrown into such confusion over what Jesus really wanted from me, and realized I had clung so tightly to things about him that were not true. I felt betrayed, I’m finally getting past that feeling. I’m 18, and in the process of my exit from the Pentecostal church. I am currently regarded as having a sin problem to my church, and in a month or two I will be regarded by them as lost. It hurts to know that people I love will say terrible things about me, all I can do is keep in mind that God’s approval is all I need. His opinion of me is the only one that matters. Please keep me in prayer, I definitely want to have wisdom as I go about this. And I don’t want to have any bitterness or unforgiveness in my heart towards UPC. God bless 🙂
Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, there will be people in your current church who will shun you or speak negatively about you. They are caught up in the system and following what they have been taught and told to do. It is good that you are watching your own heart in this- you cannot do anything about theirs. Just continue to love them and pray for them. You may want to consider joining one or both of our online support groups. See http://www.spiritualabuse.org/ck/supportgroup.html
I too am a former UPC member. It took me years to undo all the damage of the bondage of legalism. I was living as a defeated, coping Christian. Under that bondage, I never felt I was good enough for God. Now I understand God’s grace. I’m living as a victorious Christian life as Jesus promises!!
Wow! I’m so glad I came acrossed this! Everything you explained im going through at this moment. It’s so scary! I feel like I’m going to Hell even having these thoughts. I am so hungry for the truth it hurts! I want to Know God like I’ve never known before! My husband and I are currently youth leaders in our church and he kinda understands what I’m going through but he’s all about what the pastors says so I feel alone. I’ve never wanted to leave a church before but this confusion has me so messed up. I love the pastor and youth but I feel like I’m going thru the motions.
I am glad you found it to be helpful. While you may feel alone, you are not- and there are many who can relate. You may want to consider joining one of our support groups.
praying you are in a better place spiritually. It’s very scary!
I do not care if my E-mail is published or not .
I can not find in the scripture of the new covenant where a woman is allowed to teach or usurp authority over any man especially her husband . As is is taught by the U. P. C. I. by ordaining women. The U. P. C. I. General Supp. teaches three gods as does most of the so – called high priest over congregations. I state the person called a pastor , is nothing more than a new covenant High Priest. the so – called Oneness Apostolic Pentecostal movement is nothing more than another wayward daughter of the catholic church. All the heads of the movement I know state the name jesus is a false pagan name made up by the catholic fathers , and is only 400+ years old. They as well state the name YAHU is the only name taught by the Apostles, and should be the only name used,spoken, taught, worshiped. These heads of the Oneness Apostolic Pentecostal movement can not show one verse where any apostle commanded, taught,or received a tithe. Yet these men teach tithing to be used as it was in the old covenant . they teach that every person must have a pastor (High Priest) so called. As their Gen. Supp. states christmass is scriptural, and should be practiced. how he gets that is beyond scriptural understanding, scripture states not to make any image, likeness, similitude,statue, idol of man(human being) to worship it as our GOD. yet the so – called Oneness set a idol up each year to worship and call it their god AT HIS BIRTH . This is what I have seen out of the Oneness Organisations I have attended. There is no scripture for their teachings if one goes back to the manuscripts and the Hebrew language. Especially for teach the wrong name for salvation and being a dictator. All their teachings are from the catholic fathers.
I take courage in knowing there are many like me. I was in the UPC or Oneness affiliated churches for 25 years and in ministry for most of it. I had never heard of spiritual abuse until the last pastor I had ran off with the choir director and in a state of shock and confusion, I happened to run across a Utube video on the subject. That started my search for truth in which I suffered massive battles with cognitive dissonance and realized that my Bible study through all of those years was nothing more than confirmation bias; I knew nothing. When I walked away, I was sick and disgusted with it all but was afraid I would be lost by not going to church. The first freeing realization was that God and church are not synonymous; the subtility is in claiming that the building houses the Spirit of God (thus, the house of God), making them one, so missing church would be a sin against God. After Bible study with a concordance, lexicon and the help of videos of courageous people, I have dispelled the false doctrines of the UPC such as tithing, pastoral authority, “holiness” mandates, allegiance to a church, mystification of gifts, the babble called “tongues” and behavior that that deeply resembles a kundalini awakening of Hinduism (which is demonic). I have since forgiven the two pastors I had, which were symptomatic of NPD (one sociopathic), and only desire to someday help people escape from this maze of insanity called institutionalized church. What is known as church does not resemble what Jesus intended for His ecclesia; a church is a building affiliated with a man-made organization where a man without a job extorts at least 10% of people’s earnings. It is not easy to break free from programming; it is a long, long road but as Jesus taught, truth is freeing and I say the struggle is worth it. The freer you become the more you see the programming of people still in the system and the blatant heresy of the church system in the face of the Word of God, though they read and teach from it they cannot see the truth in it…that is the epitome of irony. I am so thankful to God that He allowed me to take this path and see truth. If you are like me, take courage that you are not alone and He said He will never leave nor forsake His ecclesia.
Things like this always bring me back to Romans 10:3 “For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.” There is definitely a certain righteousness that doesn’t exist and no one checks for in the UPCI, because they only look at the outward appearance of man-made ‘righteousness.’ The submission becomes to man-kind and a community (organization) over fully accepting and knowing God for themselves.