Month: September 2016 | Page 9 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

“I overheard the pastor telling Bob that you had a rebellious spirit and we aren’t supposed to contact you. He thinks you’ll soon be a drunk or on drugs.”

“Liz said that if you had been under submission to your husband, you never would have cut your hair and that’s why your son broke his leg.”

“Doug said that the reason you left is because you were never really one of us and were faking it all along.”

“One of the women at church caught you wearing make-up and now you’re being called Jezebel.”

You’ve left an unhealthy or abusive church and start hearing what current members, and maybe even the pastor, are saying. You are hurt, heartbroken – maybe angry. Though you recall seeing this happen to others who left, and expected it to occur, it hits hard.

Unfortunately, being human we sometimes have this desire to want to know what others are saying about us. Curiosity gets the best of us. But remember the old saying that ‘curiosity killed the cat’ because listening to this kind of talk can temporarily kill your spirits. There is more than enough to deal with in sorting through all the emotions and issues involved in leaving, than to add unnecessary turmoil to it all.

The best way to handle this is to stop the talk before it hits your ears. If someone from the former church starts sharing what anyone else there is saying about you, stop them in their tracks and tell them you do not wish to hear it. Some church members have nothing better to do than to talk about those who left, make up stories and believe things without ever stopping to determine their veracity. Through it all, most don’t call, write or visit.

These were people you bonded with and loved and you don’t need to hear the latest gossip about yourself or why you left and what you are supposedly doing now. If listened to, you will most likely be hurt and don’t need to get angry enough that you say or do things which will later be regretted and that will be used against you to ‘prove’ you are backslid, rebellious, reprobate, etc.

Remember, you decided to move on and are no longer a member. Don’t get pulled into the nonsense and run around trying to put out all the fires. You know your character, why you left and how you are living. All the talk in the world won’t change that truth and you will never convince otherwise those who are determined to believe a lie.

If you allow people to report these negative things, fighting your thoughts will prove more troublesome. You will need to guard your own spirit more carefully and will have additional ups and downs due to thinking about all the gossip and how wrong and unfair it is. Save yourself some heartache and turmoil by not listening. Don’t allow your curiosity to get the best of you.

So far, I’ve written about my stepdad’s difficulties with church that have arisen because of his toxic religious upbringing, his adoptive mother’s unhealthy beliefs, and issues with United Pentecostal Church family members. Now, I’d like to focus on the positive – a few people who have been instrumental in helping him start to break out from the spiritual abuse.

The first person who played a major role was Rev. Laura, the then-rector of the church we started attending when we moved back from Houston. Jon had never dealt with a female clergy member from a mainline church before, so this was a new experience for him. However, his friendship with Laura turned out to be good for him, and he actually started attending services from time to time, although his level of participation at this time was low. There was just too much stuff going on during this time with the UPC folks that it was hindering his progress.

Around the time Laura accepted a call at another congregation, things were starting to come to a head with the frustrating religious differences between him and the UPC family members. The experience of having a clergy member go to another church after a tenure of about 12 years (she had been at our church for close to ten when we started going) was new and took some adjustment. His experience with previous Baptist congregations, for example, had involved pastors with such long tenures that the congregations had more or less been shaped into the pastor’s image.

Our most recent rector, Fr. Les, arrived about five years ago, and he and Jon hit it off right off the bat. Even though he’s still gone slowly about getting involved with church stuff, I think Les has been a very positive influence on him, and I’ve noticed some subtle positive changes in Jon’s outlook during the time Les, who is now at a church in another state, was in charge. He’s actually given formally joining serious consideration, which is a major step. However, he’s also aware of and grateful for the fact that membership is not an absolute requirement to be fully welcome.

A few other good friends from church have also had a positive influence on him. By making him feel welcome, without a hidden agenda, he now knows that you can make real friends in a church setting. The fact that people at our church come from various backgrounds and have an assortment of interests outside the church has made a good impression. With the people in his family that were involved in the UPC and other groups, everything was all about goings on at the church, all the time. I think knowledge that the body of Christ is about the people, rather than where they meet, has been refreshing for him.

This has been most obvious when Les visited him in the hospital both when he was an inpatient and when he was having outpatient surgery. Being able to receive communion and the laying on of hands/anointing with oil without being a formal member has helped him be able to approach his involvement on his own terms. Knowing that he can participate as much or as little in the life of the congregation as he wants has made him more willing to be a part of things.

This part of the story is still ongoing, but I have every reason to believe he’ll continue to recover from the toxic beliefs he was exposed to growing up. With God, all things are possible! Please keep Jon, my mother and I in your continued prayers.