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Surviving or Thriving?

I lived in fear – fear to the point of physically shaking and getting sick – for several years after I realized something was really terribly wrong at my former church. Doctors told me something was creating too much stress in my life. I thought surely I could make things better if I ‘just held on.’ I was stalked at church. I thought once people really knew, they’d stop it. They just laughed. I even heard a sermon that specifically told me it was ok to leave and I STILL stayed.

I thought if I just kept my head down and kept a low profile, everything would work out. I was in THE Church, after all. If I just prayed, just had faith, just trusted God, just repented and asked God to change me to fit in the church, everything would be OK. God wanted me to go to church, surely. He surely wanted me to go to the RIGHT church, to maintain a good witness by staying there. Surely he’d fix any problems and would ‘fight my battles if I just’ [shut up and did nothing]. It was easier to do nothing and stay than to face leaving and all that entailed (shunning, additional gossip, loss of a way of life even if that way was killing me).

And then there were the questions. ‘What if I’m wrong?‘ ‘What if the real problem is there’s something wrong with me?’ Surely I wouldn’t be so stressed or deal with depression, anger, fear and so forth if there wasn’t something wrong with me.

What if I was wrong? What difference would it make? Is it ever really wrong to leave a place that is unhealthy? Leaving meant getting away from the situation that was harmful to my health and well being. How would taking care of myself be wrong?

Even greater than the self-doubts were the other concerns. I thought I faced huge losses if I left. I wouldn’t be able to marry someone with my beliefs (not that I was able to find anyone I’d want to marry in the church). I would lose all of my friends (or acquaintances. In what life are people who stop speaking to you because you stop going to a certain building considered friends? Real friends don’t stop speaking to you because you don’t go to their church, anymore than they’d stop speaking to you if you stopped shopping at Wal-Mart.) And I’d lose my self image, that of the faithful super-Christian that would keep going to that church no matter how bad things got. (After I left, I realized it was self image and not a “witness,” because to those who were not attending, going to that church was NOT a good witness.)

In comparison… I’m dealing with a neighbor’s newly planted bamboo. It spreads quickly by underground rhizomes. You don’t know it’s invaded until plants start popping up, and once the rhizomes are there, it’s very hard to remove them. He should have installed a rhizome barrier or sand trap around it, or planted it in a container. He refused. It will cost me several thousand dollars to stop it, but at least I can stop those roots. If I don’t, the cost of getting it off my property once it’s there is even more… and the cost of the damage it can do is even greater. The neighbor’s response is he likes it and I can just mow everything in my yard off to stop it from growing all over my yard – my flower garden, my shrubs, my trees… I can mow them.

Churches plant invasive thoughts and expectations in our minds that may look nice on the surface but are insidious in reality in our lives. And they tell us to just keep smiling, just keep acting as though everything is fine, and teaching us to take care of the surface but allowing the roots to continue invading our lives. So we cope, at least awhile, by putting time and expense into keeping those “roots” at bay while they shrug and say it isn’t their problem.

And so, OK, I’m not moving. But I am stopping the roots. There are ways I can keep his stupidity a certain space from my house. There’s no way I could sit in a church that kept telling me any problems in the church must be ‘just me.’ There is unfortunately no root barrier for words or judgmental attitudes.

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The ‘Standards’ Lie – They are really Laws

I always felt like I was being a little dishonest in my days as a legalist when I spoke of the rules and regulations of the faith I belonged to, particularly in trying to explain them to new converts or questioning prospects. Our ladies weren’t allowed to cut their hair, color their hair, trim their hair, perm their hair, wear short sleeve shirts, tights/leggings, wear metal of any kind in their hair, or any form of jewelry/ornamentation, etc.

The same rules applied to me, as a man, with other requirements as well, such as abstaining from facial hair or allowing my hair to grow past a few inches long. And when people questioned these, saying things like, ‘Sounds like you guys are still under the Old Testament law,’ the response was always, “No, it isn’t laws, they are standards.”

To illustrate this, I want to start off with pics (pictures prove I haven’t altered the text in any way) from two exchanges I’ve had with people on YouTube content in the past week.

In both cases, we are discussing the Oneness (Apostolic) Pentecostal Holiness movement, of which I was part of for 15 years, and their dogmas (standards) on dress. I won’t take the time to reiterate all of those things, but read these blog posts to learn more: Men and Womens Apparel in Ancient Days, The Commandments of Men, & Out of Context: Without Holiness No Man Shall See The Lord.

In both cases, the individuals are defending their church dress standards, but claim things that aren’t true, and then do what I used to do, and that is to be dishonest about what the ‘standards’ really are. These are Oneness Pentecostals responding to my videos and other videos on the same topic – dress standards being law.

This one is one of the more interesting conversations because this individual does what most Apostolic Pentecostals do. He/She initially relates their dress standards to the commandment of being “Holy,” and then declares that the only other side to the coin (in layman terms) is that you’ll just go wear mini-skirts and paint your face, which makes you a harlot. (Yes, the Apostolic Pentecostal church teaches that you can’t wear makeup and make it to heaven.)

This highlights the disease of this belief set – because it gets rooted in their heart that if you don’t dress like them, you are a harlot.

Then of course, when asked how they make the connection between ‘Be ye holy, for I am holy,’ and ‘Without Holiness, no man shall see the Lord’ and their dress rules, he/she says what I used to say.

“It’s not a dogma its preference you make it a heaven or hell issue out of it.’

That baffles me because it is actually the Apostolic Pentecostals making a heaven/hell issue out of it. In a recent conversation with a young man, he said, “Look, they are standards, not laws, and the local pastor has the right to set standards for his church. (even on things not taught in the Bible, so long as they don’t contradict the Bible) I went and talked to the pastor and even he admitted, these things like facial hair, short sleeve vs long sleeve shirts are not heaven or hell issues.”

That sounded good, but then the pastor said this, (this is not verbatim, but accurate) “But, if I set the standard here, and you don’t obey me, you are sinning the sin of disobedience.”

That my friend is a law.

This one became even more interesting and this is just a small portion of the whole conversation. What always intrigues me about these ‘defenders of the faith’ is how rude and arrogant they tend to get.

All at once, Carson declares that women in the 1st century would have worn dresses like we would think of a dress today, as completely different from a man’s clothing, that the Apostle Paul taught this very simple idea, attempts to use Greek words to prove that women wore dresses, intently implies anyone who doesn’t believe this lacks basic intelligence (in another post, Carson said, “If you struggle with this simple principle you must struggle with a lot of things in life lol,”) and then goes on to say, “I dont believe a woman is going to hell because of pants.”

This is just a sampling of the fervor you will find defending the dress standards of the Apostolic Pentecostal faith. So I did a little social sampling/research, asking questions like this one.

“The Bible says not to take away from, or add to the Word. Jesus made it clear in Mark 7:7 that men who created their own laws (let’s call them standards) for the people, things outside of God’s word, were hypocrites and that worshiping Jesus in those things was vain and useless. Nowhere in Scripture does it say the Pastor has the right and duty to make up his own church rules, required for membership, that are outside of Scripture, and we aren’t talking about carpet color and instrument selection.

So, if your pastor says that men wearing facial hair is unholy – would I be allowed to be a full-fledged member of the church if I continued to wear facial hair? Would I be allowed to be a member? Would God be able to use me? Could I participate, in Choir, outreach, etc.?”

The answer, of course, is no. Unless you abide by that pastor’s standards, you have no legal standing in the Faith. So then I ask this question, “If there is no other Apostolic church in this town, and I can’t be a member of yours, how can I be saved since the majority of Apostolic Pentecostals think they are the only saved people on the earth?”

What is the difference between a Standard and a Law?

A law is something that is written into statutes that all people must obey. Disobedience to these laws results in penalization. In this simple example, the white background speed limit sign is a posted law. If you exceed this limit, you can be subject to penalties including traffic violations and fines. Normally (In the U.S.) you’ll have to appear before a judge and defend or plead your case. You are sentenced from your infraction and you pay the fine or duty that the judge imposes on you. That is how law works.

The yellow background speed sign is a standard. It is an advisory speed sign. You’ll normally see this when coming into a space of road that has a lot of curves or is windy. They will post a sign that is the suggested speed for which it is safest to drive that stretch of road. Exceeding this limit may place you in danger of not handling the road well, but it is not a traffic law violation to exceed this speed. If you are doing 35mph in a 25mph advisory zone, you have broken no laws and will not be judged for your behavior.

This highlights the simplistic distinction between Law and Standard.

You see, while we/they can claim that the standards of the Apostolic Holiness movement are not laws, they (and I was this way) are being very dishonest. I know people who defend these standards in this fashion who are not intentionally being dishonest, in fact, most aren’t, they are just regurgitating what they are being fed from the pulpit.

People will say, ‘Our dress standards are not laws,’ and yet, they will in the pulpit (and I’ve heard it hundreds of times) say, “No woman wearing pants and lipstick is going to make it to heaven.” In the first conversation image I posted, these people always backlash when you question their standards, by saying things like, “Fine, go find your self a church where you can be a harlot (wear makeup).”

If something you do keeps you out of heaven, it is because you have violated God’s law. So if the claim is, ‘You can’t go to heaven if you aren’t obeying the standards,’ then you know assuredly, that those are laws, not standards.

Now, a church and pastor may make a standard, something like, “Our church has held the standard that we do not want any married men or women in a room alone with another married person. When I (The pastor) counsel, I will not do it alone with a woman, my standard is to always have my wife with me when I counsel someone of the opposite sex. We ask all of our church members to be careful in this way.”

This is a standard. This is something based in principle, that you are not judged for, that you are not legislated by, and your membership to the church does not depend on. Would following the example set before you be extremely wise? Absolutely! but it is not a law.

God alone, if you believe in God and in His Word, is the only one capable of creating laws. Those laws were written. The faith was once (and for all) delivered unto the saints. What is going to keep you out of the Kingdom of God was clearly written in Scripture. To add to that is such a dangerous thing.

Conclusion

Let me end by saying this: If you, for yourself, believe that wearing a certain piece of clothing, or worshiping at a certain time helps keep you closer to God, than by all means, do it.

The faith which you have [that gives you freedom of choice], have as your own conviction before God [just keep it between yourself and God, seeking His will]. Happy is he who has no reason to condemn himself for what he approves.” – Romans 14:22, AMP

I am not judging you, or anyone for the personal standards and convictions they want to keep. Paul made it clear that you are blessed (happy) for those things you allow. Your own personal convictions.

What I am coming against, is entire organizations making ‘standards’ that keep people in or out of the church, and to their set of beliefs, also keep people in or out of heaven. If it wasn’t written in Scripture, and it’s taught as something you must do, it is a man-made law and should be called for what it is, an error and fallacy.

They worship Me in vain [their worship is meaningless and worthless, a pretense],
Teaching the precepts of men as doctrines [giving their traditions equal weight with the Scriptures].’ – Mark 7:7

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Losing My Identity

Some of us who left the abusive church environment faced an identity crisis. After years, even decades, of involvement, the church is a part of us. Its structure and belief systems are part of who we were.

In nearly 27 years of being deeply involved in the church, it was a very crucial part of what made me the man I became. When talking to others, I shared how I was a Christian, a licensed minister in a church, and a member of our nation’s armed forces. My faithfulness in the church and my military career were deeply intertwined; I saw each milestone as not only a moment of personal achievement, but a testimony of how God used me to be an example to the men and women I served with. As I advanced in rank and earned my warfare qualifications in the Navy, the pastor also shared this with the congregation. We had a large number of men and women in the church who served in the military and had the same testimony. We made the church look great through our personal successes.

20 years of faithful, honorable service led to the privilege of retiring from the Navy. As I made the move to civilian life, I wanted to use the same drive to be that testimony to the people around me. I sought to be the best I could be in “the real world” just as I did in the service. My identity was still one where church, career, and service were intertwined. Each achievement on the job I took as an example of how God used me to be that example to everyone around me.

Then, the day came where everything was stripped from me. A year after starting a new job, I asked about changes in the church’s direction and teachings. I felt we were drifting from biblical teachings to a more watered down message. I sensed a loss of urgency in preaching the gospel. I also questioned why the church changed its name, removing ‘Apostolic‘ from it.

I voiced my concerns about embracing the 501(c)(3) IRS code, which places restrictions on what churches can and cannot say. There was also the discovery, through the state sex offender registry, that a church elder served time in prison for molesting an underage girl. Note: I didn’t have an opportunity to discuss the issue concerning the elder, but others did after my departure. I voiced my concerns to another elder, and my response was “I understand, brother, but HE’s the pastor.” This was a polite way of saying I was no longer welcome.

The reality of that statement floored me as I drove home. Decades of dedication to the church, forging a crucial part of what made me the man I became, was rendered void in one 10 second answer. My identity was taken away from me.

I have no answers to anyone at this time on how to find or create a new identity after being stripped by the church. I’m still working on that myself. I know I still believe in Jesus Christ, am a proud veteran, and a loving soul. At the same time, being booted from the church stripped me of a major part of my identity. I still struggle as many do in finding a church home where I can feel wanted, safe, and able to make a difference.

God bless us all as we reconstruct our lives in Him.

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Finding community after leaving a cult or toxic religious environment

After years or even decades of languishing in a highly controlling religious group, ex-cult survivors are finally able to express themselves freely and investigate whatever they choose.

This can also mean that they can be fairly fiery. They say what’s on their mind and don’t hold back. If they see that something is wrong, unjust, unfair or unethical, they want to speak out.

I include myself in this group. Sometimes, it does also mean that we can be unintentionally hurtful or even rude. After repressing our true thoughts and feelings for such a long time, they occasionally all come tumbling out uncontrollably… We don’t intend to be rude trolls, and most of us aren’t, but at times the anger, resentment and hurt that has built up inside us spill out when we are triggered, and we say things we shouldn’t.

When my husband and I came out of the Watchtower, we remained extremely critical of the Institutional Church. However, our faith in Jesus grew exponentially. If you leave a cult and then read the Gospel of John, you will see that Jesus was also AGAINST the institutionalized injustices of the religion of his day. He spoke out bravely against the cruel and hypocritical Pharisees, and as a result, he was silenced, tortured and hung up to die. He could have done his good deeds quietly or not chosen to heal people on the Sabbath; he could have been a people pleaser, afraid of their reaction and their power. But He was not!!!

Sometimes, we want to be brave and outspoken like Jesus, but we lack the wisdom or compassion that He had. We don’t always know exactly what to say, or who to say it to. And people can see us as a threat.

Coming out of any spiritually abusive environment is bound to affect our identity. We are not tied to our past, but to a certain extent, it does shape our outlook on the world. I am also convinced that experiencing such suffering, rejection and loss has widened our hearts, and made us more compassionate people. We cannot sit in judgment on others like the Pharisees and cult leaders, because we know how much that hurts, and we could never shun another human being.

It has also made us hyper-vigilant when it comes to identifying hypocrisy and manipulative behaviours in others. We avoid those people like the plague, and make no attempt to influence or “change” them, as we know it is fruitless. We can love them from a distance, and keep out of the line of fire.

Although my husband and I do attend a church now, we are still hungry for real, honest and sincere fellowship. At this point in time in my life, I am profoundly grateful for the precious friendships I’ve made online. People could say that an online contact isn’t a “real” friend, but I have experienced the exact opposite. At the click of a button, I can communicate with others, either in voice or video calls, via chat or in a group setting, and speak with other human beings who know what I’m going through. I thank God for this precious gift of modern technology, which despite all its downsides, has made it much easier to come out of a cult and find true friendship. If you haven’t done so already, I invite you to join our online community: Faith after Deception Fellowship. [Group is no longer in operation and was not affiliated with spiritualabuse.org.]

If you’ve never been in a cult and haven’t experienced spiritual abuse, be prepared for the fire when you meet those who have. The fire is bright, it is hot, it can burn, but it can also kindle some of the most sincere and genuine friendships you will ever have. Don’t be afraid of us… we don’t bite!!!

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