Blogs | Page 23 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Blindsided: Our Letter to the Witnesses

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

As we prepared to leave Antioch Baptist Church in early September 2018, I began to assemble a document describing the events that transpired from June 2018 to September 2018 that eventually led up to our departure. This document included, but was not limited to, transcripts of Douglas Stauffer’s voicemail, private Facebook messages between Pastor Andrew Ray, Douglas Stauffer, Matthew Olds, and myself, as well as copies of the email sent to our pastor about the harassment, and summaries of the meetings that took place.

My husband, simply desiring peace, was not supportive of the idea, but Pastor Andrew Ray’s words continued to repeat in my head about how we were not supposed to know that about the letter to the Crawfords*. The church’s letter not only dismissed the Crawfords* from church membership and the Antioch Baptist Bible Institute, but even callously threatened to contact their oldest daughter’s religious educational establishment should their family not leave in a way acceptable to the ones behind the letter! I find it ironic that Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer repeatedly attempted to invalidate my concerns by claiming them as merely transference from my past, and yet, Pastor Andrew Ray stooped as low as my mentor’s husband (Randy) to threaten a teenager’s college education as a means of silencing and control!

Both agreeing that such actions were not only appalling but manipulative, my husband I finally compromised by deciding to limit the recipients of the document we had created to just the few witnesses present at the final meeting with Douglas Stauffer. My husband desired to not cause division or strife, but I had felt strongly that our church needed to know the truth.

A copy of the abstract and list of documents sent to the witnesses is provided below:

To Our Friends and Family at Antioch Baptist Church

Abstract:

This message/email is sent to inform our fellow members and church family at Antioch Baptist Church of events on-going from June 3, 2018 to the beginning of September 2018 despite attempts to reconcile. Despite apologizing for the initial Facebook post, Doug Stauffer continued to harass my family in June. Two months later in August, after my wife attempted the beginning of possibly making amends, he endeavored to bully our family once again under the guise of attempting to move forward. On August 22, 2018, he approached us to say that he wants to clarify things and attempt to rectify the situation, but if not possible, he said that he will step down, leave, and the prior accusations of harassment will be brought before the church. Because accusations of harassment were brought up to Pastor Ray following the incident in June, Stauffer falsely believed himself to be a victim of the #MeToo movement. By further threatening to step down and leave without resolution, he further believed himself to be the victim, rather than the perpetrator. Pastor and Stauffer have continually stated that the accusations are a mere transference of my wife’s history with spiritual abuse to negate the validity of said accusations.

When asking pastor to attend the meeting so he would be aware of threats of stepping down and leaving by a Sunday School teacher, Pastor accused my wife and I of attempting to hurt our church based on actions in June. He further attempted to control the number of witnesses and who the list consisted of, as well as threatened to have men present in the meeting to address these past actions. We have compiled a list of correspondence between Stauffer, Pastor, and my family so that our those present in the meetings can be informed of the facts in case that a men’s meeting is called after we have left the church. This way, at least we may have some representation from those men. We have further decided to leave Antioch Baptist Church for the sake of peace in this situation that keeps blowing up in our faces time and time again. I am aware that sending this may not appear to be peaceable, but we are not wanting everyone in the church to know necessarily. Again, this is simply in case there is a meeting called in which there is a meeting pertaining to my family.

The following is a list of Documents included, [followed] by Key Information about the Documents Included on the following Page:

A. Original Facebook Message by Crystal Olds on June 3, 2018

B. Transcript of Stauffer’s Voicemail to Matthew Olds on June 3, 2018 after Evening Service

C. Transcripts of Stauffer’s Messages at Antioch Baptist Church

D. Facebook Correspondence between Doug Stauffer, and Matt and Crystal Olds

E. Facebook Correspondence between Pastor Ray and Matt Olds

F. New Facebook Apology Post by Crystal Olds

G. Facebook Correspondence between Pastor Ray, Doug Staffer, and Matt and Crystal Olds

H. Private Message Sent from Doug Stauffer to Crystal Olds (Matt Olds not included)

I. Continued Messages between Pastor Ray, Doug Stauffer, Matt and Crystal Olds

J. Replacement Apology Facebook Post by Crystal Olds

K. Summary of Tuesday Meeting with Doug Stauffer, Matt and Crystal Olds, and Grayson Campbell* (witness)

L. Summary of Tuesday Meeting with Pastor Ray and Matt Olds

M. Twitter Post from Doug Stauffer on Thursday

N. Meeting with Pastor Ray on the following Sunday

O. Apology from Doug Stauffer on Monday Evening

P. Apology to Crawfords* on Tuesday

Q. Text Messages Between Pastor Ray and Crystal Olds (Matthew Olds Included) about Apology to Mary*

R. Email to Pastor Ray with Accusations of Harassment from Doug Stauffer and Analysis of Doug Stauffer’s character

S. Meeting with Pastor Ray and Matthew Olds about Email about Harassment

T. Text Message Between Pastor Ray and Crystal Olds (Matthew Olds Included) after Meeting Between Pastor Ray, Matthew Olds and Crystal Olds

U. Doug Stauffer’s August attempts at bullying, creating a hostile environment

V. Phone Conversation with Pastor the Day Before Meeting with Doug Stauffer

W. Meeting with Doug Stauffer with Three Witnesses

X. Letter of Resignation Given to Pastor Ray on Sunday, September 9, 2018 Following the Morning Service

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Finally Speaking Out” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Blindsided: Out of the Fire… With Buckets of Water

“I love when people that have been through hell walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire.” – Stephanie Sparkles www.livelifehappy.com

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Just A “Typical” Sunday

When Brother Nicholas* preached, “God Leads Us Along,” he probably knew little of the trials and waves that raged about me or the fires that threatened to consume me all those years ago. I believe it was the summer following my college freshman year: spirit broken, courtship called-off, future plans in question, and an agreement made to be completely submitted to the control of my mentor and her husband, Randy, as they helped me pick up the pieces left behind. All three of us believed they were “biblical authorities” in my life, and all three of us agreed (incorrectly) that I had made a mess of my life that year in college.

This particular Sunday was just like any other Sunday that summer, filled with excitement to be at church with God’s people and to hear His Word preached, but it was also just a typical Sunday with an ever-growing list of regulations from Randy based on my actions the previous week. Could this particular Sunday service have followed the week that Randy demanded that I no longer attend our church because of a disagreement between us? Could it have followed the week when instead of passing out tracts in silence, I “disobeyed” by witnessing to a customer I had gotten to know at work? Perhaps it was just another week when I was supposed to go down to the altar and “repent,” and then beg someone to help me because I “needed to get saved.” The consequences of not going down during invitation often involved being severed from their family, knowing I was emotionally dependent upon his wife, until I met yet another ridiculous expectation. He did usually follow up such declarations with an alternative demand, but it was just as outlandish and irrational as the first one.

Though several of my college friends had tried to warn me that something was off about Randy, those concerns only confirmed in Randy’s mind that those friends were ungodly and not “part of the ten percent” of students that were actually at Bible college to serve the Lord. To make matters worse, whenever he found out that I had sought advice out of desperation, he made sure the consequences equaled his view on my “dragging his name through the mud.” Perhaps, instead, this was merely another week that he had accused me of speaking with those friends over the summer after being directed not to contact them for the supposed sake of my spiritual growth. There were literally times in my life when the only one I could turn to was God.

Closing my eyes, I can still hear Brother Nicholas’s* endearing voice echoing sweetly through our little church’s auditorium:

“God leads His dear children along
Some through the waters, some through the flood
Some through the fire, but all through the blood
Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song
In the night season and all the day long.”

Brother Nicholas’s* message was like a soothing ointment to my wounds, a gift tenderly bestowed at just the time I needed it most. It was a reminder that no matter what fires I had to walk through, no matter what trials I had to face, the Bible promised that God was a buckler and a strong tower that I could run into for safety as God’s child. No matter how hard the waters raged, God would carry me through, and just like who God was, He would give me a song of peace along the way.

A Time to Speak or a Time to Keep Silent?

The Lord used that message to nourish my soul for years to come, but what if I had heeded my friends’ warnings and advice much sooner? What if the other girls under Randy and my mentor had been warned as well by someone before us? Could that not have limited the extent of Randy’s destruction in our lives? I will never know the answer to those questions, but I have long desired to warn Randy’s future pastors about the man who was outwardly intriguing and lighthearted, but was inwardly a ravening wolf. Considering his focus on teenagers, the probability was high that several teens after me would later reject the Lord because of Randy’s influence, but there was nothing more that I could do.

For the next several years, I began to find my voice after the long periods of silence, and I started to weed through the extreme viewpoints on Scripture and living the Christian life. In the process, I met countless others who had also experienced the tumultuous waves of spiritual abuse. They were abandoned by their pastors, youth leaders, parents and teachers. Their spiritual guides had betrayed their trust, covered up the abuse, and then exalted the ones responsible for the damage, all while leaving the victims to pick of the pieces of their broken lives. I realized that not only should I have spoken up during my time with Randy and his family, but that I could never be silent again. I could never allow myself to hide behind my fears, not just for the sake of my own well-being, but because there were a multitude of people who had escaped but still dealt with the residual trauma day-by-day, and countless victims that were still trapped within the confines of spiritual abuse. Above knowing I needed to speak, however, I made one determination and promise to myself: I would never allow someone to control and silence me again.

Imagine my surprise, when almost nine years later, I found myself in a position where silence about a moral issue- or lack thereof- appeared to affect my husband’s standing in the ministry and his ability to serve! Whether or not this was Douglas Stauffer or Pastor Andrew Ray’s intention, it worked incredibly well.

Back in the Fire

In June of 2018, Douglas Stauffer claimed that there had been a “church rupture” at Antioch Baptist Church in 2017, supposedly “the best thing that could have happened,” but it is my strong opinion that Stauffer’s actions proved that the dangerous infection had merely been left behind by the summer of 2018. After speaking out in June 2018, I feel that Douglas Stauffer used fear and Pastor Andrew Ray used shame to silence me for months, resulting in intense emotional distress on me and my husband, and on my young family as well. We loved our church family, and we felt that same love from the majority of those in our church family, but that same care only increased my struggle to keep silent, further straining my relationship with my husband. Unfortunately, the problem came down to two drastically different options: (1) protecting our unknowing church family and keeping that promise to myself of never being controlled or silenced again while completely disregarding my husband’s wishes or (2) supporting my husband by letting go of myself and my own personal boundaries. I was suffocating between a rock and a hard place.

Waking Up

I often conceded for my husband’s sake and for the sake of our marriage, but by the time Stauffer approached us again in August 2018 in what I felt was a threatening manner, that flicker of strength had already been re-kindled through the validation of my parents, friends, therapist, and multiple other survivors of spiritual abuse. I started to realize that Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer were merely “big fish in a small pond,” and thankfully, Pastor Ray broke the final straw the day before our final meeting with Staufer when Pastor Ray said we were trying to destroy our church by seeking advice back in June. Despite the turmoil between us at the time, Matt and I decided as a team that day that it was our time to leave Antioch Baptist Church in 2018, thereby numbering Pastor Ray and Douglas Stauffer’s days of manipulation and control over my family to a mere seven days.

We were broken. We were trodden down, and there was nothing else for those involved to take, but in September 2018, we gathered our immediate family together, bid farewell to our church family, and ventured off into uncertainty while making our home a “safe place” for our family once again: one that protected us from men like Douglas Stauffer.

Shortly thereafter, I determined once again to take my power back by breaking the silence of what occurred within those walls. The pain in my children’s faces were my living reminders that I needed to warn others about Pastor Andrew Ray, and especially about Douglas Stauffer. Though my desire for speaking out was never to hurt Pastor Ray or Stauffer, I needed to share my story with every fiber of my being so that maybe-just maybe- even one person might heed the warnings one day, and thus be spared the heartache that still impacts my family today.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Our Letter to the Witnesses” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #18: Looking For A New Church Part 5

Church Attendance: A Matter of Life or Death, Really?

Many years ago, a prominent figure in the United Pentecostal Church posted a series of statements on Facebook about church attendance as follows:

We don’t attend church to earn salvation but to please God and maintain a healthy relationship with Him
If we have to miss a service we don’t fear going to hell, but we don’t say church attendance is irrelevant; it is a standard to teach
Church attendance is like a healthy diet; one missed meal is not a matter of life and death, but eating is

Let’s first tackle one aspect of these statements by asking yourself where these teachings can be found in the Bible. Where does it state that attending church pleases God? Did Jesus or any of the apostles teach that we maintain a healthy relationship with God through church attendance? Did Paul (or any other New Testament writer) ever teach that church attendance is a standard to be taught? Did anyone in the New Testament ever proclaim that church attendance is a matter or life or death or link it to eating properly?

Examine the progression of thoughts he presented. If you want to please God and maintain a healthy relationship with Him, you will attend church. Church attendance is not irrelevant, but a standard to be taught. If you miss one service, your life isn’t at stake; however if you miss too much or stop attending, it’s a matter of life or death. While the first post appears to say salvation isn’t linked to church attendance, if we follow the progression of statements, likening it to a matter of life and death sure instills the thought that if we do not attend, or miss too many services, we will die spiritually. We won’t be pleasing God or having a healthy relationship with him.

Reading these and seeing what is actually being taught, I am quickly reminded of all those who have been part of an unhealthy church. Their church attendance surely did not help maintain a healthy relationship with God. On the contrary, for thousands upon thousands of people it instilled in them the need to perform in order to be accepted by God, that God could hardly be pleased with their performance and that he was a harsh taskmaster, ready to punish and leave them behind if they didn’t measure up. It didn’t bring life, but rather a spiritual death with all the faulty teachings, wrong image of God, and focus on the church, pastor and themselves.

Contrary to the statements posted on this minister’s profile, there are indeed ministers in the UPCI who do teach church attendance is required to stay saved or at least keep from being backslid. Some in this organization do scare people with hell regarding church attendance. In fact, these postings also did this but in a more subtle manner. This has caused many people to erroneously believe that they must be at the church whenever the doors are open. Let me show an example from an Instagram comment made yesterday. It was in response to a female UPCI minister’s post about needing to be in church services. Not only does this commenter believe we must attend services in order to go to heaven, but even adds that the pastor will present you to God. This is fear based non-biblical teaching.
I’ve written this hoping it will help those who have left an unhealthy church and have not yet found a new one or those who cannot even attempt to look. These ministers can yell it at the top of their lungs all they want, but God is not going to cast you aside if you are not attending a church. Your relationship with God is not now, and never will be, dependent upon meeting with others in a church building.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #17: Looking For A New Church Part 4

Manifestations/Demonstrations

In continuing to address the matter of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one, let’s consider the issue of manifestations, or demonstrations. This will mainly pertain to those from Pentecostal type backgrounds and I realize that some may not appreciate what I have to share, but try to hear me out.

In many Pentecostal type churches, there can be an overemphasis on emotions, excitement, lively music and having what can be termed as manifestations or demonstrations. This is often seen as people crying, shouting, praying loud, jumping, dancing, running, raising/waving/shaking their hands, speaking in tongues, etc. In some circles, anything outside of this may be considered as dead, dull and boring. I briefly touched on this in Part One. If such are not seen, the person may believe that the Holy Spirit was not present or people were not yielding, or allowed to yield to Him, or that they did not hear from God. I remember learning that one woman felt they did not hear from God unless there were tongues and interpretations in a service.

It can be a huge step out of one’s comfort zone to attempt to visit a church outside of their former group. They may have been told all their life that other churches are dead. They may have heard that they quench the Holy Spirit in services. They may have even heard that people in other churches do not even know God. It can take a great deal of courage and determination to visit one of these other churches when your background is Pentecostal.

When believers gather together, Paul taught in 1 Corinthians that it should be with the purpose of everyone being strengthened, encouraged, edified and helped. The church at Corinth appears to have been trying to major in manifestations. Yet in doing so, they were neglecting to see to it that all were edified. It also appears that they were not operating in love. Manifestations and lively services are not necessarily synonymous with people being changed and helped.

Chapter 13 has to do with being part of the body of Christ and in the use of spiritual gifts. Paul shared that people could do all manner of things outwardly, but if what they did was not done through love, they were nothing more than noise makers. Some people ‘demonstrate’ to be seen as more spiritual, and to be recognized and praised of men. One is never acting out of love in such cases.

Jesus and the early church taught believers to not seek after signs. In this, they were not teaching that one should reject or avoid them, but rather that the focus not be placed upon them. Even when the disciples were sent ahead of Jesus into some towns, and had been given the power and authority to do miracles and cast out devils, Jesus told them not to rejoice in those things but to rejoice because their names were written in heaven.

What I am sharing should not be taken as being against spiritual gifts or lively worship. The point is that we who are from a Pentecostal type background can unnecessarily limit our choices of churches by eliminating all non ‘Spirit-filled’ ones from a list of possibilities. The Holy Spirit is just as able to move and touch people in a ‘dead’ church as He is in a ‘lively’ one. Whether a song is a hymn or a vibrant one, does not limit God. Whether a singer sings to live music or a soundtrack, has no bearing on what God can accomplish.

Many of us forgot that Jesus said where two or three believers are gathered together in His name, He would be in their midst. He didn’t limit the location. He didn’t say only if there was lively music, nor did He say only if it was in a tongue-talking church. If you are gathering with other believers in a so-called ‘dead’ church, and claim God is not there, then you are not believing what Jesus said. You are actually the one that missed Him in the gathering and not the others present.

It can be difficult for some to believe that God can move and touch people in a quieter service. But where did this thought come from? When Jesus walked the earth, were those he healed or helped running around, jumping or shouting at the time he met their need? When the lame man was at the gate, did Peter tell him that if he only worshiped more or prayed louder, he would be healed? When the woman with the issue of blood approached Jesus, was she told that if she had only danced around she would have been healed? When Elijah challenged the prophets of Baal in offering a sacrifice, weren’t they thinking they’d be heard due to their loud worship and their physical demonstrations? Did Elijah believe God would only accept his sacrifice if he, too, was demonstrative and loud?

Because you may not see the reactions you expect or are accustomed to, does not mean God’s presence is not there. Perhaps you have expected a certain type of atmosphere for so long that you cannot perceive God moving in silence, quietness or less vibrant worship. But just because you may not see it does not mean it is not happening. It might surprise you if you took time to talk to others and discovered how God met needs, all while you felt He was nowhere to be found.

Yes, it can be difficult for those used to a certain way to then attend a different type of church. But if you can push past your preconceived ideas and realize how God is not limited by the manner of worship or preaching, you might find yourself strengthened, edified and encouraged. That ‘dead’ church might be just the place for you to rest awhile and heal some.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3

Triggers

Another aspect of of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one is experiencing triggers. A trigger is when something happening now takes you back to another time, bringing with it an overreaction to what is happening presently. You could experience great fear, sadness, a panic attack or find yourself disassociating. Let look at an example.

You are visiting a new church and a certain song is sung, one that you were used to hearing at the unhealthy church. Maybe the pastor at one time chastised you in front of everyone after that song had been played. Hearing it now, even though that pastor is nowhere around, triggers that memory. Your hands may start to sweat and you may start to shake. You may become fearful and want to run out of the church. All this is happening because of the memory this song triggered.

Triggers can happen anywhere, not just in a church setting. Since we are talking about finding a new church, the emphasis in this blog is on it happening while at a church service. This can hinder a person from looking for a new church, especially when they find themselves triggered in numerous ways.

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Landau Tobias

Educating yourself about triggers will help you to better cope with them. Be patient with yourself and understand you are not going crazy. While some will not experience them because their former experience was ‘mild,’ a great many people do. Triggers also happen to those who have experienced other types of traumatic events, such as being in combat or surviving a natural disaster.

Though triggers can be most unpleasant, you can learn to deal with them. Just understanding why they occur can be a huge help. Their frequency and intensity should decrease over time and for many people they will stop. In Captive Hearts, Captive Minds the authors speak of disarming triggers and gave the following example on page 113:

Monica R. was born into a cult that used flowers as a symbol for silence and death. A gift of flowers, even a greeting card with flowers, especially roses, represented a dire warning. After leaving the cult, Monica avoided anything depicting flowers. Her apartment even lacked green plants. As she began working through her beliefs in therapy, she remembered an old medicine woman who had befriended her in time of need who used plants, especially aloe leaves, for healing. A piece of the leaf could be torn off and the sap used to reduce the pain of minor burns and insect bites. Monica bought an aloe plant.

Next, she tried tomato plants. The meaning of flowers was changed as the tomato flowers led to tomatoes, her favorite vegetable. Not long after, she was able to bring nonflowering plants into her home and, finally, flowering ones. This change took place over a period of several months. Now, years later, Monica has a garden with roses, annuals, and perennials and she is able to enjoy their beauty without being constantly afraid.

A trigger could be a song, seeing how people worship, or it may be the tone in the pastor’s voice. If he sounds a little like your former pastor, you may have a difficult time hearing anything said. If he looks at you, raises his voice, sounds angry, or even does the ‘uh’ at the end of words like some ministers make themselves do, you could be reminded of an unpleasant experience from your former church. You could be triggered by the way they ask for money or how a song is repeated over and over. A passage that was used to create fear in people may be quoted and set off a trigger. There are any number of issues which can cause a trigger and it varies from person to person. Two people from the same unhealthy church may not have the same triggers.

If you experience these in your quest for a new church, examine what happened and see if it is a warning that this church is unhealthy or if it is nothing more than a trigger. If it is the latter, you should be safe in trying the church again. But if you are triggered too often or continuously over the same thing in various churches, it would probably be best for you to take a break. There is no sense in pushing yourself in this area if the triggers are that strong and frequent. Allow yourself some breathing room and slowly try again at some point in the future. In Traumatized by Religious Abuse, the author shares:

In the aftermath of religious abuse, most survivors experience a tremendous sense of confusion. Places, people, situations, events, even seemingly small aspects of religion- words, articles of clothing, books- that once represented safety and comfort suddenly trigger responses that are difficult to understand or integrate. Some survivors long so much for the things they once had that they put themselves directly in the path of triggers they aren’t ready to face. While we would never tell Veteran Dave to live next to a shooting range, survivors of religious abuse might feel compelled to seek out those very things that trigger traumatic responses for them. Whether out of a sense of obligation, obedience, mandates from other people or the institution, or just a desire to recapture the good things associated with faith practices in general, survivors of religious abuse sometimes jump out of the frying pan right into the fire and wonder why they still feel burned.

Some people need to attend a church that is quite opposite of the one they exited because of triggers. You do what you need to do for your health. It doesn’t matter what those from your former unhealthy church might say, or what ignorant people may say who are clueless about spiritual abuse.

Another area of difficulty can be your concentration. You may find your mind wandering off in a service and also when you try to read. This is also very normal. Should you find yourself not listening to what is being taught or unable to focus on reading something from the Bible (as well as other books), understand that this happens. At the same time, when it comes to the service, check yourself to see if it is an overall difficulty with concentrating or if the minister isn’t providing anything edifying and that is what is causing your inattention.

This is a link to an article about triggers that some may find helpful. There is much information available and I encourage you to educate yourself so you are better equipped to deal with them.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.