Blogs | Page 191 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Punishment v. Discipline

Someone this weekend discussed the scripture Hebrews 12:6 “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.”

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. God wants to discipline us, not punish us, and certainly not abuse us. Discipline teaches a lesson, while punishment demands condemnation for an action or misdeed. Discipline is positive. Punishment is negative. Abuse is an extreme form of punishment, where the punishment exceeds the crime, is unrelated to (or unassociated with) the crime, or where a person is punished without reason or unreasonably (i.e. because the abuser is angry and needs someone to “take it out on”)- abuse is misuse of punishment.

If something bad happens and we start running through our memories to see if we’ve done wrong, that’s not of God. When He disciplines us, He’ll also make sure we know exactly what we have done, and how to do better next time. There won’t be any vague “You’ve been bad. You are very bad,” condemnatory statements. That’s condemnation. Discipline, however, comes with love.

Romans 8:1 [There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

If we are condemned, we fear. God doesn’t want us to be afraid of Him! He’s our Father. He loves us. “The fear of the Lord” in the Bible refers to a healthy respect for God. It means to honor Him- not be terrified of Him.

God wants us to learn from mistakes. He disciplines, because discipline leaves hope, faith, and trust intact, and teaches a specific lesson. He disciplines in love. He isn’t waiting to strike us down for being human- for making a mistake or even for a deliberate “sin.” He loves us.

Judgmental

I recently did a search to see Susan Boyle perform her first time on Britains Got Talent. When Susan Boyle walked out onto the stage everyone from the judges to the audience was skeptical. She was frumpy, a bit silly, and said she wanted to be like a particular female singer (can’t remember the name) and everyone snickered. Then the music cued and she opened her mouth and eyes opened wide and mouths dropped to the floor. She sang I Dreamed a Dream – it was her dream to be a professional singer.

It reminds one of other stories like Beauty and the Beast or more likely The Ugly Duckling. Perhaps Susan has not transformed into the usual beautiful princess in the world’s view, but her voice is absolutely beautiful. She has done six albums and bought a 300,000 pound house (not sure how that translates to US dollars).

I said all that to say that being in an Apostolic church where everyone is judged by how we dressed and what church we attended it makes one pause. I once looked out the window at work and saw a boy with blue hair. I forget exactly what I said but a coworker/supervisor walked by and said, “Now, now.” It caught me off guard as I thought anyone else would agree with me. I was probably thinking “Blue haired people go to Hell.”

What is that saying “don’t judge a book by its cover?” I know I have seen many things since my exodus from that church that I would have been judging by its cover. But what is inside? Underneath? Did we ever see the beauty and kindness of a person because they did not look like us?

When someone would get the Holy Ghost we then began measuring the women by how long their hair was getting and their pants changed to dresses/skirts. The men only had to shave off mustaches and beards if they had them and cover up tattoos with long sleeves. We had to have them conform to our standards in order to not judge them.

Below is that first video of frumpy Susan showing everyone that you just can’t judge by what you first see.

It’s OK To Miss The Good

Memories. Previously I touched on the subject of good things happening at unhealthy/abusive churches and that being able to see and admit such is an evidence of the healing process. There is another aspect, that it is OK to miss the good that happened.

When one has been involved for awhile in any activity, when they leave they sometimes have periodic times of missing it, even longing for aspects of it again. It is natural. If you spent years coaching a football team or playing cards with a group of people, you would have periods where you missed the good times, the fellowship together, the camaraderie. I think to never feel these would be abnormal.

Why should you feel it would be different after leaving a church where you spent many months or years bonding with the people and involved in the activities? Yes, even when you later found the church was unhealthy, abusive and/or taught false doctrine. Those things do not change the good times you had or any closeness with people. It is OK to miss the good things from your former unhealthy church.

I want to share some well spoken thoughts on this, that a member of our support group once wrote. I feel it wraps up the subject very well and gives an important word of caution at the end. It is quoted with permission.

I think this is something important for anyone to realize after leaving an unhealthy church. After having been a part of something for a long time, it can be hard to reconcile mixed feelings when there were good times too. I’ve missed a great deal of things since leaving, and even felt a little nostalgic at times. Never enough to warrant going back to it, but I’ve certainly dealt with periods of sadness. I’ve cried over friendships I left behind and wished I could re-live some of the positive experiences without returning to all the negative. I think it’s good for everyone to realize some of those feelings are “normal”… so long as it’s kept in perspective and doesn’t drag us back into another unhealthy situation.

Church Shopping

Well, I had an interesting experience today- I went to a Pentecostal service in another city. Visited a couple other things on the way, so part of the day went well…

Wow. I had thought since every church is different, I should give another Pentecostal church a chance, at least. Haha. They were actually quite friendly, telling me that they hoped to see me again and then when I hedged, telling me they’d see me their next service, asking where I was from, and announcing where I was from when I specifically said not to!

But they were trying to be nice, and as far as I can tell the pastor and his people are kind. Actually after service there was some work to be done, and the pastor asked if some men could help him with it. He walked off the platform started working, himself, right alongside everyone else. That was the first time I saw that in years.

The service was typical Pentecostal. Very good music. Milder worship than I’m used to, thankfully, just some clapping and singing- no squeals, spinning, dancing, running, leaping or spells.

Sunday School was OK, but the lesson didn’t use many scriptures and was kind of disjointed. The message was a bunch of catch phrases thrown together. I sat there listening, and although it would have been considered a “deep” lesson, and “anointed” preaching, I felt sorry for them. Some study had gone into both, but I realized that it’s no wonder I can’t remember what’s preached in a Pentecostal service- there’s too many bits and pieces splattered all over the place to really pin it down. I wonder sometimes if the preacher remembers the message after he has preached it, it’s so fractured!

No one tried to pray me through, no one pushed worship or tried to up the excitement level. Those things were good. And I enjoy hearing the songs I’m familiar with. But it amazed me how different my perspective on what constitutes a “good” message is now, and how disjointed the messages really are in Pentecostal services I’ve experienced.

So the search continues…

I went to a denominational church earlier this morning that was more liturgical. They sang “Lord prepare me (to be a sanctuary).” I always liked that song. They sang all four lines and stopped dead! And did it again on Kum ba Yah. (Yes, they really did sing it. I couldn’t believe it either!) Once through, and done. After being in a church where a normal chorus must be sung 20 times to start to feel the spirit, it was a shock!

Anyway, so it was a very interesting day.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #6: How You Are Treated

When one leaves an unhealthy church, how they are treated sometimes depends upon how those who remain perceive it.

If you are only seen as struggling in an area or being influenced by someone else, then your exit may be looked at in a more positive light. People may keep in touch, invite you to church services and functions, and the pastor may even encourage this.

If you are viewed as rebellious or no longer believing some of their teachings, you will be seen in a poor light, probably talked about more, and avoided or shunned. Some controlling pastors will tell church members to not have anything to do with you.

I remember leaving my former church for a few months before I left for good. I had been going through a rough time, had returned from being in charge of a church to a huge difference at my home church and had broken things off with my fiancé, which was very hard emotionally. During this time I was contacted by numerous members through mail and phone. this was prior to all the social media we have now.

When I left for good a couple years later, there was very little contact from anyone. Some months after I left, the pastor told everyone to turn off any recording devices during a service and he said some things about me. To this day I do not know what was said. He called other pastors from the same organization to ‘warn’ them about me. Various negative rumors circulated. I was definitely seen as bad and on my way to the hot place.

Yet when I left, I caused no problems and didn’t run around trying to pull anyone out with me. My leaving was done quietly and in a way to not bring unnecessary attention to it. But what triggered them to later turn on me, because the first several months after my exit there were no rumors or warnings?

I had been putting together a paper, mainly for my own studies, refuting their teaching of women not being permitted to cut their hair. A current member, who was a close friend, told the pastor about it after a harsh sermon he gave on hair. Only a very few had seen it and that was by their request after I had left.

How those at your former church perceive your exit may well influence how you are treated. Don’t expect many friendships to remain if you are seen as questioning or going against any teaching. The campaign against you by unhealthy leadership will intensify in an effort to keep current members in ‘the truth’ and away from you.