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As we approach a new year, and knowing I have more behind me than ahead of me, it becomes ever more important to own who I am. I am a child of God saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ my Lord. Much of my life found me chained to a legalistic doctrine that sapped my faith, hope and love and encouraged doubt, discouragement, fear and judgment.

Once I escaped (and it was a true and traumatic escape) I found a God of love and peace that I left behind many years ago in my quest to perform my way into salvation. There is NOTHING I could ever do to earn a place with God. Jesus already did it all and proclaimed it finished! Like Paul, I do not see this as a license to sin (realizing also that what I wear, my hair style, and where I go are not sin unless they are sinful) rather a knowledge that we are saved by faith in Christ alone, not by works, lest any should boast. The bottom line is and has always been God is Love and to be His disciple is to have love for Him and for one another—that is a bottom line where we find REAL peace. May God richly bless each one as we walk by faith into a new year with Him.

Christmas. One of my favorite times of year. Lights, presents, food, family, friends, music, food, presents… j/k..

We always had a very Christ-centered Christmas growing up. Yes, Santa came, and we put cookies and milk out for him sometimes (though I think Mrs. Claus visited our house more than Santa did- equal opportunity and all, you know? 😉 )

My favorite memories include listening to old 8-tracks of Bing Crosby while just sitting together looking at the lights on the tree, driving around looking at lights, making Christmas cookies, gifts and ornaments, and putting up the nativity. We had a very simple nativity that fascinated me. Joseph’s staff was metal, and could come out of his hand, and Baby Jesus could come out of the manger and be carried around, as long as Mom didn’t catch you with him!

When I started going to a Pentecostal church, that changed. Suddenly, there were no lights, no trees, no cookies, and, eventually, no nativities. But I secretly and guiltily continued to remember Christmas- the wonderful, miraculous time of year for kids and adults. Santa might be a bit mystical, but he was also an example of how to give generously and selflessly. Trees and nativities weren’t idols, but reminders of the holiday, decorations for the house, and part of a family tradition. Lights and music and gifts were ways of sharing beauty and joy with others. What was wrong with Christmas? Where was the joy I’d known growing up?

This year, my lights were up, gifts were thoughtfully selected and wrapped, and music played once more. No, there was no tree. And there just wasn’t time to locate and set up the nativity. But for the first time in years, I am celebrating Christmas. Not the pagan holiday some portray, but the miracle of Jesus’ birth, the beauty of my life in him, and the joy of giving from the heart.

On earth, peace and goodwill toward men.

Merry Christmas!

In writing something else I remembered realizing that only one person in the New Testament was listed as being thrown out of church–a man who “had his father’s wife” in Corinth.

It was widely known that the man in Corinth was sleeping with his mom or stepmom. But how does anyone dare disfellowship someone for allegedly thinking something? Can a thought be proven? No. Not unless it’s acted on. I dare say that many people have had thoughts they wish they hadn’t had. God doesn’t banish us based on what we are tempted to do, but only what we act on. Sure, a man that looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart. Jesus didn’t say that such a man should be stoned for adultery, nor did he say the woman should be stoned for whatever made him lust. Jesus was simply warning caution about not letting thoughts run wild, because if we think on certain things long enough, we might act on them, and it’s when we act on them that we sin. (Jas 1:13-15)

Expulsion

I went to a different kind of Christmas service tonight, a Blue Christmas service. The concept is to acknowledge that not everyone finds this to be a joyous season for a variety of reasons, and to give those people experiencing loneliness and loss the opportunity for a time of “remembrance and reflection.” And for this year, it was more meaningful than pretty much any other service I could probably have attended.

There were only two Christmas songs. The music was a man playing guitar and a woman singing along. Simple. Calm.

I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. Things at work, mainly. I thought. But there’s more to it. As the service progressed tonight, we were called to remember those we had lost. It wasn’t this job and the people who’ve sent messages there that I’m not a part of the team that I remembered.

Seven years ago in 2009 I lost my church, and every friend I had there, plus every friend I thought I had or wanted so badly to have. I lost hope that I would ever fit in there, that I would ever be accepted. I lost confidence in myself, and I lost faith to a degree as well. Not at first, but over time, year in and year out as I faced additional rejection in nearly every church I attended, through three moves and five job changes, and finally even from some of those friends I’d thought I made since leaving who called themselves Christian. And now at work, while a coworker who sits near me says the same things I heard in church: ‘You’ve got to trust God and just leave it in his hands. You can’t care what’s happening. Toughen up.’ Don’t feel. Don’t care. Don’t love? Wait, that’s not God. When did Christianity come to this place?

There is nothing wrong with hurting when people hurt us. And when people hurt us, it’s not because God wanted them to. That would mean God wanted them to sin, because that would mean God wanted them to do something unloving.

I’m not sure I ever allowed myself to completely grieve the loss of the friends I left behind in my former church. I miss them. I want to know what’s happening to them. I definitely haven’t given myself an opportunity to grieve the loss of the positive things I left behind in my former church. So perhaps the fact that I haven’t felt like celebrating this Christmas is a good thing, a way to move forward. And then maybe I can celebrate again.

Sure, the music was contemporary and that surprised me. But they sang my favorite (Mary Did You Know) and a few others. It was just all around fun, and everyone was very friendly.”