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If you’re lucky enough to have been raised in a healthy church and by a healthy family, your first thought when reading the title of this post might be, “obviously.” And I’m surprised if you read past the title. For others of us, the title seems drastic. God hates other things, and maybe, just maybe, He doesn’t condone abuse… but…

• but we deserved it.
• but if we’d been better people it wouldn’t have happened.
• but we have to stay in the marriage because God hates divorce.
• but God says “honor your father and mother.”
• but wives should submit.
• but we have to stay in the church.
• but we’re supposed to forgive and forget.
• but if God really wanted it to stop, He’d stop it.
• but the spouse/parent/leader didn’t really mean it…

Sound familiar? God hates abuse. Not just when it happens to other people, but when it happens to you. He hates what it does, how it makes you feel less than a person, less than others. He created you and he loves you, and that love isn’t conditional like people’s may be. And he doesn’t expect you to stay in a situation that is hurting you or your kids.

• You don’t deserve to be hurt repeatedly.
• You are not responsible for others’ bad behavior.
• Abusers are abusive because they are bad, not because you are.
• You deserve respect and love.
• You are valued. You are loved.

If you’ve been abused, particularly if you’ve been abused or abuse was permitted by a church, you’ve heard passages about what you should do, how you should accept whatever happens, how you should forgive. We do not often hear verses against abuse… and if we do, the parts against abuse are quickly glossed over. Did you know (I didn’t):

I Tim 3: Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

Psalms 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth.

Malachi 2:16-17 “I hate […] a man’s covering his wife with violence, as well as with his garment.” says the Lord Almighty….

James 1:26 If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.

1 Cor 13: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Eph 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 

James 1: 19-20 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

1 Tim 3: But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

1 Tim 5:8 But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Ex 21:10-11 …he shall not diminish her [his first wife’s] food, her clothing, or her marital rights. And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.

Titus 2:6-8 Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.

When I was a child, I knew an adult who my parents guessed was being abused by her husband. She often “fell.” Bruises on her face and arms were common. They talked about these and other signs in front of us kids, and encouraged us that if we were ever hit by a man who said he loved us, to leave him the first time he did it. That was instilled deeply within me, and though in time, in that particular situation, through a radical conversion experience of her husband, the woman suddenly stopped ‘falling,’ the affect the years of abuse had on her and her children were long lasting.  One married a probable abuser (the signs, again, were there), another became abusive and has been through a number of relationships that ended badly.

However, I saw the verbal and spiritual abuse I dealt with very differently. I blamed myself for what happened. I needed to keep my head down, needed to be a better person, wouldn’t be abused if I were a good person. These were the lies I believed, and the ones I repeated to myself until the night when I remembered the battered woman from my childhood and the emphatic statements of my parents that if we were ever hit, to leave. No, I hadn’t been physically abused, but weren’t the harsh words, the angry responses of my pastor to the mildest requests just as harmful? I didn’t leave that night. It took another year, a year of taking OTC medications to get through services, of shaking so badly that I could barely stand if I so much as got a text from the pastor, to leave. It took being called out in a service for simply quoting a verse to someone next to me. And it took realizing that I would have to leave or lie to cover a situation that I was aware of but that the pastor would want kept a secret for me to finally leave.

Nine years later, I still struggle with the affects of that abuse. There are still verses that completely drain me, and it’s still difficult for me to believe that God is not OK with abuse, to the point that I’ve debated changing the title of this post several times because it’s difficult for me to say that God hates abuse. But he does. He hates abuse.

And he loves you. He loves me. And he wants much better things for us than what we have received at the hands of evil people who’ve abused us.

Jer 29:11 For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the LORD. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.

I come from a long line of gardeners and I probably should throw in farmers too because that was a basic part of my family’s heritage. My great, great, great grandfather migrated from Wales to the States and joined the Continental Army at age 16 to fight for our Independence. After the war he crossed over the Smokey Mountains and ended up owning land in Tennessee and he started farming and raising livestock and his wife planted a garden. She called it a kitchen garden and she grew everything in it that could be served for meals and “put up” for the winter.

My great, great, great grandmother also grew flowers, planted fruit trees and basically landscaped the area around the house. Now this land in Tennessee is still in my family and cannot be sold, although my cousin is caretaker of the property no one farms it anymore but a few of the flowers still come up each year among the rock of the old landscaping. When I decided to plant a garden I journeyed down to the homestead and with the help of my great aunt dug up flowers from her gardens and also shoveled into trash bags some good rich dirt from the barns….not a pleasant smell driving home…but it would help my garden grow.

Once home the fun began and I laid out a plan for my kitchen garden and began landscaping around my home with the flowers I had dug up and adding that good rich dirt to my poor soil and before I knew it I had beautiful gardens growing. Each year I would add something new to it and enlarge them and my harvests were bountiful and lovely. My garden reached full maturity in about 5 years and it was beautiful.

Then came the flood….. in 2015 the creek flooded behind my home and washed everything away. The little decorative fencing, the shrubs I just planted and of course the flowers and good dirt and the mulch. It was all gone except for the bricks around my kitchen garden. I was heartsick and heartbroken because a lot of my plants had come from my great aunts home and she had passed away earlier that year. The flood was so bad I had to go stay with my daughter for a couple of weeks. Fortunately I lived in a mobile home and the flood took most of the skirting but it didn’t damage my home.

After the flood I decided to move to a different park to get away from the creek. I moved in January 2016 and because it was winter when I moved I couldn’t really take anything with me so come spring I had a new yard with nothing but an old tree in it. During this time I was struggling with Parkinson’s Disease and retiring out on disability from my job so my funds were rather limited. I had no idea what I could do in my yard with flowers, a few vegetables and a limited income. I didn’t even know if I wanted to bother with it again. I felt I was back in the depressive slump like when I first left the United Pentecostal Church and trying to work through the legalism and abuse.

Then I opened a box of books in my office and I saw a Bible and when I picked it up it opened to Genesis 2:8, “The Lord God planted a garden”….and His word penetrated my heart….and I knew I was going to rebuild and replant my garden even though I was still heartsick over the loss of my other garden.

I knew it was easier to quit than to commit to another plan and process but I would rebuild.  Sometimes the joy of today is destroyed by the joy of the past. But I couldn’t let myself be stuck in the past. I was going to choose joy and “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil 4:4) just as I did before.

Although it was easier to stay upset and hurt than forgive, I knew I needed to forgive the Park I moved from for refusing to pay for any of the damage that was caused by the flood….even though it was their fault by putting trees and leaves in the dry creek which caused it to channel the water straight to my home and gardens…so I forgave and moved on (Matt 5:23-24).

I chose to plan, prepare and plant passionately with the abundant life I had through Christ Jesus (John 10:10) and I worshiped God and praised Him continually as I replanted (Psalm 34:1). And God helped me with strength and finding bargains at the nurseries like never before. I continued to love my new garden and although it wasn’t as large as before it was coming together and was bringing beauty to my yard and spirit.  (1 Cor 13:8).

So I did rebuild and replanted and this year I will add more and enlarge my garden and I will finish well. By not giving up or giving in to the disaster, I succeeded by perseverance and my garden grew.  Just like my soul grew as I healed from spiritual abuse….and I finally found truth in Gods grace and mercy.

Romans 5:1-5 sums it up like this…”Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character, and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

I’m doing some research on abuse and submission as a result of a recent incident (poorly framed sermon) at the church I was attending. Here are a few thoughts from articles that are jaw-dropping… unfortunately mainly because I’ve never, in 40+ years of church attendance, heard them.

Why women stay in abusive domestic situations:

One woman was Beverly Gooden who tweeted on September 8, “I stayed because my pastor told me God hates divorce.  It didn’t cross my mind that God might hate abuse, too.”  ~https://www.etbu.edu/php/theintersection/a-biblical-response-to-domestic-violence/

Toward the end of the above article there are verses that show the Bible to address domestic violence and abuse. I don’t recognize most… and never heard them in church. The church has generally taken the stance that divorce is wrong. Why have they not discussed the sin of abuse? The response of my former church would have been that the woman wasn’t sinning in accepting the abuse, but would have sinned by divorcing the abuser. Is this accurate? If she allows him to continue sinning by her silence, particularly if she has children who are also subjected to abuse or the affects of living in a home where abuse is accepted, is she sinning less by her silence than by leaving?

A lot of the messages around violence against women are aimed at women – like not taking illegal cabs for example. But we feel there also needs to be a campaign aimed at men saying ‘please stop’,” he says.~https://www.christiantoday.com/article/towards.an.effective.church.response.to.domestic.abuse/27307.htm

Wait. Please stop?!?! This was taken from Christianity Today, not some obscure website. Please? 

From the same article:

In the Christian context, abusers may use Scripture or theological positions to justify their behaviour, while the women may believe that the permanence of marriage, the importance of forgiveness, and the headship of the man in the family means they must simply accept it.
“This needs to be talked about and what forgiveness means needs to be explained because people don’t realise that it is not being a doormat,” says Natalie, who is helping to draft Restored’s resources.

Notice that Natalie does not say that the permanence of marriage and the headship of man needs to be discussed. Just the issue of what forgiveness means. One of her last statements, though, stands out most:
“At the minute, the church isn’t the answer for people suffering abuse,” says Natalie.

Interesting to me was a Catholic article that stated, among other things:

Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. ~https://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm

This article also brings out scripture that shows abuse is wrong. I may post some of those in a separate article. They aren’t discussed or quoted nearly enough… and they need to be heard much more than “Wives submit…” and “women must remain silent” do. There are far more of them, but they are far less heard.

One last statement, because those reading it may well hear their own stories, no matter what sort of abuse they faced or from whom within the church:

He wanted submission from his wife and children. He wanted us to sit at his feet and learn from him. He wanted support and adoration from everyone. He wanted service and loyalty. Everything became HIS way. He knew BEST in EVERYTHING. … I didn’t seem like I adored him enough. I wasn’t loving him enough.

I sank into a deep depression. I began to see God differently than ever before. I felt like God was ONLY for my husband and not for me unless I was more obedient…more submissive…more adoring. I began to see myself as only a person in regards to my husband. Not an individual loved my Christ. I didn’t even feel like a human being anymore. Only a servant…and a terrible one at that. I don’t go to church anymore. I can’t pray. I don’t trust God. I struggle so hard to believe He loves me anymore.~https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2016/10/14/the-churchs-response-to-feminism-has-swung-the-pendulum-too-far-the-other-way-and-it-is-leading-to-abuse/

The quote above is very similar to things I’ve said due to church abuse. Only the man wanting submission and adoration was the pastor, not my husband. Abuse is wrong in any form.

A woman’s place in the church and in the home… I’ve had Ephesians 5 quoted at me so many times, and frankly it’s quoted all the harder at those women who are intelligent and capable, not “rebellious” or “unsubmissive.”

I don’t feel comfortable with women pastors. It’s my personal preference; I condemn no one for having a different opinion. However, that’s where my agreement with complimentarianism ends. I don’t disagree with Ephesians 5, but I do disagree with the too frequent misuse of it and a few other verses to condone abuse within Christian homes and communities.

Submission. It’s a term that has been yelled at me, preached at me, a term used to condemn and manipulate me and to relegate me to the sidelines not because I’d done anything wrong, but because I was born with two X chromosomes. Because of how God made me, I’ve been taught that the following were acceptable behaviors toward me and other women:

• physical abuse
• sexual abuse – such as rape of a wife by her husband
• verbal abuse (referring to women as heifers, discussing them as housekeepers, extra income, child bearers and keepers, and objects, but never as people to love and collaborate with)
• child neglect (the man and his desires have precedence over any other person in the household- the wife is to submit and the children to obey)
• stalking (if I didn’t want it, I should have married)

The problem with these is that when this is the “love” demonstrated by the church and “godly” men, when they go on to say that these are acceptable because if the women enduring these things would only submit more (meaning put up, shut up, and take whatever was done to them), God would surely step in and prevent more harm, when these are allowed or ignored, they undermine the rest of the passage in Ephesians, for if Christ loves the church and gave himself for it, if he loves the church truly and completely, but will only stop abuse if the woman accepts it and says nothing, does nothing, and if the husband who does this to her moreover is also supposed to be demonstrating the same love for her as Christ does… then she is doomed, because neither loves her well. She is relegated to the position of slave, with only what value someone else – her abuser, her accuser – places on her.

Consider this: In the church, which happened first, the church’s submission or Jesus’ love? He loved first and he loved well. The church still struggles with submission. If this is the case, then in marriage, if it can be compared to the relationship of Christ to the church, the husband should love without demanding submission in any form. Submission can’t be commanded anyway. If, though, the husband loves well, submission from the wife will come. She will trust the one who loves her more as she learns more about that love.

What is a woman’s “place?” The same as any human’s. Not in some certain hierarchy of worth or lack of worth, not “under” a man, not in a certain role. A woman is not a threat to man that she should be put down or destroyed. She is to be loved. That is her place, and it will not be found in abuse, in hierarchy, or in any relegation to a lesser role than she is capable of. Love promotes growth and encourages the one loved to be all that she can be. It values the person as she is, without demand or expectation, without condition, while still encouraging her to be more than she could expect of herself.

I sat in church this morning trying to convince myself that it was going to be OK, that the verses being read were not meant the way I’d heard them preached. I succeeded for awhile, but the more we read, the more concerned I became. Why were we reading about God’s wrath the week after we read about his resurrection? What was happening? The verses read still don’t make sense. The songs were poorly chosen, too… and all I know is that the main song leader was out, so perhaps it was just a bad day.

But then the preacher got up. He read Ephesians 5. He began with a verse that I’ve heard yelled and preached too many times: “Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord.” He didn’t stop there, and to his credit at least he did continue to read through the part about “men, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it…,” which was so little read in the unhealthy church I came from that many men didn’t recognize that part of the passage, even though they quoted the first (about submission) to women often.

The boys would actually sit in the narthex and tell passing women two or three times their age to do things and then say they were unsubmissive if they didn’t, not understanding that the verse didn’t say women were supposed to be subject to all males. A man would follow me around the church, and even off church property, muttering in tongues and saying I was rebellious and unsubmissive for not marrying him. We’d never been on a date. One woman confided that her husband raped her and both he and the church said it was OK, because he was her husband and she should submit.

In Sunday School the pastor’s wife laughed until she cried telling the single young ladies about the man who spanked his unsubmissive wife with a frying pan and another who came home and threw the supper she’d made in the trash, telling her to start over because he wanted something else. The pastor’s brother meanwhile would stand behind the pulpit calling women “loud-mouthed heifers” and other derogatory terms. They were not to take offense, but to submit to that.

And finally one overstepped the line by saying that women were things, because a verse says “he that desireth a wife desireth a good thing.” Therefore, women, in his mind, were things. Objects to be used and set aside, automatons to do the men’s biding without a word. If a woman was to speak her mind at all, it was to be done as entreating her husband, begging and/or flirting until he might consider what she said.

I know that isn’t what the preacher meant this morning. But it was way too close. Talking about how he used to want his wife to be like someone else, asked why she didn’t do this or that like someone else… he said she did speak her mind when it was best for the family now, but he didn’t say he respected or loved her for it. He said it (to my hearing) as a necessary evil of being and staying married. I hope it was just that what he said was filtered through years of abuse. I hope he didn’t mean what I heard. But I can’t shake it.

He said that there is power in submission, because submission requires trust, that the women who submit are, basically, the least damaged or most healed. He does not know me. He does not know my story. He doesn’t know the stories of others I have known, who submitted without trust, whose trust was broken through that submission… not only their trust in a man, but their trust in men in general and more important their trust in God. We were told if God loved us he would protect us if we just submitted. And the abuse worsened. We tried to submit more, and it got worse yet. In “rebellion” to that we found freedom…. in rebellion to the false idea that we should accept whatever we are handed by abusive men because God said “submit”. In rebellion, too, to the false idea that we should remain silent as we see others’ pain, as we all submitted to such abuse.

So excuse me, preacher, if I tuned you out today. It wasn’t because I wasn’t married and so didn’t see an application. It was because that passage was too often applied to me without love, and with a little too much hate or apathy or just general wickedness of narcissists left with a power they didn’t deserve and was not of God.