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I found a group of decade-old notes recently. The quotes are taken from a note from April  2003.

Dear [pastor’s wife]:

I saw a beautiful house for rent today. It has closets and floor space and cabinets. It has a large tub and blue carpet… it has closet doors that open and shut and built in cabinets… it’s in a beautiful, quiet neighborhood and a place to park in the back. There’s even an entranceway….

Oh, my. It’s the little things, hmmm? I believe this was written at a time when I found myself nearly homeless–I’d been engaged, agreed to sublet the apartment, and due to her situation had invited her to stay with me in the apartment until I got married. Then the engagement was called off by the pastor. She refused to let me stay any additional time to get my feet back under me. The pastor told me to get out. I slept at work one night, and at another church member’s apartment a couple nights.

From another note:

I’ve called every landlord that might be decent, but none have any vacancies… [except one on the wrong side of town in an unsafe area]. Can I rent [that one]? I’d feel more secure in a house on the bad side of town than I would begging church people for a place to spend the night or sleeping on someone’s couch…

I thought that after years of being single that God was finally putting some things together in my life. Then they all fell apart. Was I mistaken? Was He not in it? Did I misunderstand or let my feelings override his direction somehow? …Am I doing something horrible that I’m not aware of that causes me to be punished? Am I reaching for dreams I for some reason have been denied? … Am I a failure? What could I have done that would have made this better? What am I supposed to learn from something like this?

For starters, I was asking permission to get a place to live when I had no place to go. For seconds, the pastor backed the roommate’s right to tell me to leave after he called off my wedding, and I was STILL asking permission. There was no discussion of any consideration or compromise that I know of, and I wouldn’t have considered doing what she did to anyone. Above that, weeks before the wedding the pastor called it off, I was losing my apartment and struggling on my job, and my plans to complete my teaching certificate were crumbling. The questions may sound whiny or bitter now, but at the time those questions were a very real part of my life. Then too, this was three years after having been kicked out of a church. A later note says:

it took me quite a while to realize it, but when I left [the church I got kicked out of], I really battled some things and determined that I WOULD be blessed, and in my mind thought that if I wasn’t that God didn’t love me.

Unfortunately, ‘blessings’ are not always what we think they are. That wedding would have been a fiasco, and within a month or two of this time I had bought my first home (in a good area, with closets and cabinets and a place to park) and the problem at work had resolved itself–even ending in a raise and promotion.  Unhealthy churches tend to focus or teach us to label things as black and white, either all good or all bad, blessings or curses. Some, including the one I was in, allude to the idea that if bad things happen they are God’s punishment or the devil fighting us, and lead to the types of questions I asked. They undermine our confidence in ourselves and our trust in God.

Things in life aren’t all good or all bad. There is often a mix of good and bad in any situation, and we can choose to focus on either or both. But the best thing to focus on is that God loves us no matter what is happening in our lives. Unhealthy churches may try to rob us of that, and sometimes succeed. But they can’t change the truth.

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It is rare that I get negative emails in response to my website. I believe a main reason why I do not is because I try to take care in how I present my writings, do not write with venom, and give plenty of links to UPC and Apostolic material. In fact, present Oneness Pentecostals have at times written articles that they have allowed me to present on the website and even asked me to add an article or video of theirs to the site. Every so often a negative email arrives and one came on Monday from a man who I believe is an ordained minister in the United Pentecostal Church.

But operating a website on spiritual abuse, which has the United Pentecostal Church as its secondary focus, causes some people to hate and pray against me and envision in their minds all manner of negative things about me. It just comes with the territory. I am not intimidated by a minister (or anyone else) and the things which might work in their churches with members (to place fear into them or cause them to get in line or be quiet about something), no longer works on me.

I believe this is the Glenn T. Howard, Jr. who wrote this email. It would appear that this is the article on the website that he read and references. It is the only one I have written that includes a section on David Bernard and I mention nothing personal about him, nor do I “demean his ministry” or consider him a “phony.” I am sharing Howard’s email in its entirety and wish to use it as an example of what happens when a person brings up a problem in an unhealthy church or group. In fact, I have a section about it in the article mentioned. Last year in one of my blog posts, I wrote, “The pastor, who is insecure and feels threatened, decides that there really isn’t anything wrong, that it is simply YOU. You are rebellious, a trouble maker, trying to stir up strife or division, you are unteachable, backslid…. There are a number of possible reasons why YOU have become the problem.”

The above is exactly what this man does in his email. Instead of addressing the elephant in the room, he attempts to place the focus on me. Perhaps I am one of those atheists, trying to “magnify my own ego” since he claims to not know of my beliefs, even though they are clearly posted on the website along with my UPC background. The reasons for the website are also plainly shared. Both sections of the website have been available for many years.

In addition, he was reading the article more than two years after it was originally posted. He missed all of the then transpiring online talk and some false information and misunderstandings that were spread. That is part of the reason for the “volume of minutae” it contains as it was edited on an almost daily basis at the time. There were several different issues that came into play.

In addition, if I didn’t share things to back what I was writing, my claims would be called into question and dismissed. Clarifications were being made, UPC related material disappeared from online, and incorrect information was continuing to be shared by UPC ministers and members of the organization. Many had questions about what was happening and I did my best to find answers and pull it all together. It started mainly as an article on Lee Stoneking and his speech at the United Nations and then also grew into a focus on UPC minister Art Wilson and his ministry there, along with conflicting reports and statistics given by various licensed UPC ministers.

Consider what Glenn T. Howard, Jr. does and does not do in this email. He never addresses any of the problems or conflicting statements mentioned in the article, but focuses on me and my motives. He makes me the problem. Note how that the only possible motivations he considered for me were all negative. Bad, bad, Lois! How dare I write any article on Lee Stoneking or mention inconsistencies or untruths. Though some were giving false information and distorting what happened, I am the problem and my motives must be considered wrong.

He doesn’t address things that have been shared by UPC ministers that have been proven to be untrue. Is it OK for them to give false information or claims and should they never be called out for such things? Why is calling them out on these things considered to be demeaning them? I didn’t say or write them; they did. Yet I am compared with an atheist having a wrong motivation simply because I wrote about these things.

Is sweeping it all under the rug what should be done; should the elephant in the room never be acknowledged or mentioned? Is it only doctrine that should be discussed? If a minister tells an untrue story or misrepresents facts, should such things be allowed or ignored because they have a “ministry?” Why is it that when such things are pointed out, the one doing so gets accused of saying or thinking things about people which they never did? At least in this communication I wasn’t threatened with hell.

Here the email in its entirety:

Having reviewed your lengthy blog concerning Lee Stoneking/David Bernard/UPCI in general, I must confess that while disagreement on a number of issues embraced by the UPCI et al is not uncommon, I fail to see why such a volume of minutae is a deemed necessary to disprove that with which we disagree.

In the long run, what difference does it make? Are your writings designed to be a kind of rescue operation to get people out of the clutches of a major Pentecostal “cult”? I note too, that for some reason many atheists feel this deep seated need to broadcast their opposition to God in general and Christianity in particular, even to the point of intense ridicule. Surely there can be no doubt that their motivation, when the layers are peeled back, is to magnify their own ego. It gives them great pleasure to do those things that, in their mind, makes them feel they are “winning”.

Which makes me wonder- what is really your own motivation in producing the (evidently) highly researched material that shows up on your blog? Are you on some kind of crusade that somehow gives you a sense of worth?

If the Bible is true, and if the apostles of Jesus preached the truth of God, and if we find that truth in the book of Acts in the history of the establishment of the early church, and if that truth consists of the necessity of repentance, baptism in the name of Jesus Christ, and being filled with the Holy Spirit, and if a great number of people have embraced their doctrine and have given their lives to God, what is the big issue? What possible good can be derived from denigrating the ministries of Stoneking, Bernard et al? By “exposing” them for the phonies you apparently believe they are- what does this accomplish?

It is one thing to take issue because of doctrinal disagreement. There is a time and place to dispute error, of that there is no doubt, and some good can indeed come from it. But to demean the ministries of the men such as you have named, with such intensity… where do you hope to go with all that?

When all was said and done and you pressed that ENTER key for the last time, and sent your missive out into the ether did you feel a certain satisfaction that said “So there!” or “Take that!” ? And is this something that you plan to continue doing? Not knowing, of course, what your position is on issues, or whether or not you even believe in the truth of the Bible, and even if you do, I can’t help but wonder, doesn’t life hold more for you? I mean really, doesn’t it?

Glenn T Howard, Jr.

Since I have been operating the website since 1997, I think it is clear that I plan on continuing. In fact, I already have two people who have agreed to take the reigns whenever I am no longer able to do so.

I leave you with a quote to consider from The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen:

The most powerful of all unspoken rules in the abusive system is what we have already termed the ‘can’t talk’ rule. The ‘can’t talk’ has this thinking behind it: ‘The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault (legalistic attack). If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated.’ Those who do speak out are often told, ‘We didn’t have all these problems until you started shooting your mouth off. Everything was fine before you started stirring things up.’ Or else, to make it sound really spiritual, ‘You were angry- you didn’t confront the matter in a ‘loving’ way. So it proves you weren’t handling the matter in a mature, Christian manner.’ In either case, the problem remains.

The truth is, when people talk about problems out loud they don’t cause them, they simply expose them.

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I’m organizing old paperwork and came across some copies of old letters and thoughts, as well as a note to the church office to let them know I would be out of town. I’ll start with the note. Keep in mind that:

1. I’d already talked to the pastor and his wife. The note was required as well, and directed to the office staff.
2. I was going to campmeeting two states away. A lot of others were also attending, and everyone at church was aware that it was campmeeting time. My parents’ home was the halfway point in the trip.
3. “Lord willing” meant “if the church leadership is still OK with this.” If I simply said I was going, I might be told I couldn’t go. If I went without permission or without this note, I would have probably been severely reprimanded on my return.
4. I was at least 35 years old when this was written.

Everyone–as I talked to [pastor and pastor’s wife] a few days ago, Lord willing I plan to leave for my parents’ house on Friday. I plan to be there through Thursday, then head to [the camp]. I hope to be back late Sunday night. My first service back will probably be [date].

Contact information: [included parents’ names, address, and phone which they should have had on file]

At [camp] I’ll be staying at [hotel/campground info]. I will have both cell phone [and provide their numbers here, which they also had on file]…

Wow. I know that not everyone felt they needed to do this, and perhaps not everyone did at my former church. But soon after starting to attend, I sent a note without getting permission first that I’d be going home for Christmas. I was told I couldn’t go and be ‘right with God.’ And so I backed out of my Christmas plans with family. After that I always asked AND sent a note.

Can you feel the fear in the note? Did you feel fear like this? Did you feel you had to report every move, or have every move you made reported by others? Did your church take attendance and then, if you weren’t there, call on Monday, ask why you weren’t there, ask where you were, and reprimand you for not letting them know in advance, all under the guise of being ‘concerned’?

These requirements are unhealthy and unreasonable. I had a cell phone; they could have reached me any time if they were truly concerned. But missing a service, even a couple of services, shouldn’t be reason for a call from the church office, especially during campmeeting when 10-20% of the church members will attend. These are signs of an unhealthy church, not of love or concern. Love would give the benefit of the doubt, not a lecture. Love would never deny someone their family time or planned vacation.

(Side note–at this campmeeting I heard a sermon that finally completely released me to leave that environment. Within six months, I would leave that church and its organization for good.)

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In early 2000 I was thrown out of a church. The process lasted several agonizing weeks, but things had been very bad for months. There was the man who kept telling me he was praying I’d lose my job because I was a woman and should work close to the church. There were the high standards that made no sense to me, the preaching about begging God for a special revelation of oneness because if you didn’t have that you would surely go to hell… after all, if you didn’t have that, you surely didn’t know God. The pastor bragged about his long fasts and groaned about people not wanting to ‘hear the truth.’ He didn’t share information with everyone, just with the men. The men were to tell their wives at home, which excluded me as a single woman. He told me that I needed a man over me, that I should either get married or move home to my dad’s house. Neither of those was an option. And there was the sermon about how if we leave our local church we have cut ourselves off from God, from life, from forgiveness, as though we have amputated ourselves from the body of Christ.

I remembered last night how, on December 31, 1999, I was terrified that God was going to come back and thought I’d surely be lost. I spent that night on the living room floor, sobbing and begging God to forgive me for who knows what, and never feeling any peace or forgiveness. I realize in my mind now that what I was dealing with was not conviction but condemnation, and fear, not godly sorrow or repentance. There was no peace or forgiveness because I wasn’t repenting of anything. I’d done nothing wrong except attend where I did and believe what I did, and those weren’t things I would recognize should be repented of for many years.

God didn’t come back on December 31, 1999. The pastor told me about a month later that he discerned I had bad thoughts and if I didn’t change, he would throw me out. He then left town for several weeks. How does a person change thoughts someone thinks they have, but they don’t? I ‘repented.’ I spent hours more on the floor, sobbing and asking God to change me. I stopped eating, thinking I would fast until they returned. But I thought they would be gone for a week at most, not several. I finally had to eat, and felt I was condemning myself by doing so. I tried to reach them by phone so that I could talk to them before breaking my fast, but they wouldn’t answer at first and then answered only to tell me to stop calling them. I called everyone at the church asking them to forgive any offense real or imagined, and was later accused of calling them threatening to kill myself instead.

These things had a psychological impact, but the spiritual impact was greater. I’d started attending there with a fairly healthy view of God and faith. By the time I left, my self confidence had been torn out from under me (I felt guilty just for being invited out to eat, because ‘saints’ shouldn’t eat with the ungodly-1 Cor 5:11), but more than that, my faith in God had been shredded as well. I repented, but I hadn’t felt forgiveness, and certainly hadn’t seen any forgiveness from others at the church, not even the ‘man of God,’ the pastor. I begged God for the special revelation we supposedly must have, but never really understood or experienced anything about this ‘revelation’ as the pastor described it. I fasted for days but was still thrown out. My pastor had discerned something evil in me, some thought I didn’t know I had, and though I’d prayed and fasted and repented, things only got worse.

Above all of this, these things had happened during a time when I’d thought I was closest to God. I was praying in tongues often, studying the bible, feeling the emotionalism in church, living by the high standards set, close to the pastor and his family (at least in my mind), repeatedly playing the sermons and music I was told to, and was very involved in bus ministry, Sunday School, and music at church.

All of these ended the night the pastor called me and told me never to come back. No one but me ever realized they ended, because that night I lost every person who might have known. I went to another similar church, but was told there to pretend nothing had happened and just ‘move on’. I couldn’t move on, though, and I couldn’t talk about the reasons I couldn’t, since I was to pretend nothing was wrong… and since admitting these things would have been good reason for the new pastor to label me ‘backslid.’ The only thing to do at that point would be to ‘pray through’. More fear, more nights on the floor sobbing, begging God for something that at that point I knew wouldn’t happen. To make matters worse, just as I would start to heal somewhat and begin to feel that there might be hope, something else would happen and the doubts would come back, as well as all of the memories.

Of everything that happened in my 19 years in Pentecost, that’s what had the most lasting damage. That combination–the fear, the condemnation, the false teachings that backed them, but most of all the doubt that they  instilled. Not just self doubt, but faith shattering doubt of the Bible and of God.

Things are better now. I am healing, slowly. There have been times I wanted to just walk away from all of it. It would be easier not to believe than to fight through the mess that was left after everything happened. But there have also been times of learning and growth, and for me, these have been the most healing, times when I saw the scriptures that were used against me in a different light and I realized how wrongly they’d be used, times when I recognized some of what caused the damage and was able to rebuild, to heal, and to finally move forward, not as though nothing had happened, but in spite of what has.

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One thing that’s common in leaving groups like my former one is that, in leaving, people have to rebuild everything they believe. They have to sort through what the group taught, what they agree with and what they don’t, what others teach and what they can accept as safe and true… it’s a lot to process, and many of us want to process it all fairly quickly. It leaves us in a state of not knowing what we believe… We disagree with the unhealthy group on a few points (ie that if we don’t attend their church we’re going to hell) but don’t know what we do believe on other points (certain staunch beliefs on things like baptism, worship styles, and communion were very much ingrained in me at my former church and were difficult to study out and accept others’ beliefs on).

Thankfully, there have been people I could safely pose questions to. “OK, my former church taught _____. Why do you teach _______?” has been a common theme. Another has been, “That word/phrase doesn’t mean to me what it does to you. Please explain what you mean without that term.” When I don’t have answers to these questions, I start getting depressed sometimes. I don’t want to pray and don’t want to go to church. I want to run far away from all of it. When someone takes the time to explain what they mean, and then change their wording slightly, the fear lessens dramatically. When I’m allowed the time to work through things and come to my own conclusions, when those conclusions are accepted, I am relieved. In those times I grow.

I’m guessing sometimes we know what we believe, but we haven’t realized it yet because we still see how much we have to sort out, how far we want to go, rather than how far we’ve come. And sometimes we just need a little definition and space to see things in a different way and to gain a healthier understanding.

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