Blogs

Since leaving a cult, I have delved into studying, writing, reading, talking and coping with the very real, sometimes hidden, but obvious affects cults and their teachings have on lives. Most certainly the very word ‘cult’ conjures up the worst horrors to hit the news headlines, like Jonestown, or Waco, TX, but the majority of cults are far less obvious and insidiously covert, and right next door.

The most common fear or result we have seen as a result of leaving a cult is the harsh judgmentalism that is felt by those who leave, or ‘change.’ You don’t obey their dress standards anymore. You can feel the whispers, the stares. You can even see it in their children’s eyes.

Part 1 (Please see Part 1 for my definition of a Cult)

In Part 1 we dealt with coping with rejection and separation from all you’ve known and been connected to, in the cult. One of the most glaring and obvious signs of a cult is that they require your entire social circle to revolve around them. Your friends, your family, sometimes your job.

Fellowship with ‘outsiders‘ is forbidden. Friendship with the ‘world’ they say, is enmity with God. This is Scriptural, but their definition of ‘the world,’ is twisted and perverted. To them, that is everyone who doesn’t believe and perform in their predefined mold.

To the JW and Mormon structures, absolute avoidance of non-members is required. To my ex-Oneness Pentecostal cult, you can wave and be nice to the family member that has left the ‘way,’ but you should avoid them as much as possible. To the Scientologist, destroying the reputation and value of those who have left, and hate for them is nearly required.

What is Judgmentalism?

So the end result of this mentality is judgmentalism. Judgmentalism exists by believing that there is a superior, or only way, believing that you alone have that only way and thus have found perfection. Anyone who rejects your way, or doesn’t line up is sub-par. They are rejected by God due to these performance standards, and thus, can/should be rejected by you.

For instance, the holiness standards of the United Pentecostal Church, International hold the following ideas simple ideas:

• Women cannot wear pants or they violate ‘Wear not that which pertaineth unto a man.’ (Deut 22:5)
• Men cannot have long hair, and women cannot cut their hair (short) to any degree. (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)

My particular church held the additional standards:

• Watching Television/Movies is sinful (Psalm 101:3)
• Wearing short sleeve shirts or shorts (men) is sinful (no Scripture for this)
• Men are not to have facial hair (no Scripture for this)
• Women need to wear pantyhose when in public or at church events
• etc

Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: – Hebrews 12:14, KJV

They have defined all these things as ‘Holiness,’ and then use Hebrews 12:14 (wrongly) to enforce the idea. Why am I saying this?

Because with this mentality, you can now judge those who do not follow this lifestyle choice. For instance, I know a woman who is still in this church standard, and she saw another woman on the side of the road who had left the ‘way,’ in pants. This woman said, ‘Well look, you can see she obviously isn’t going to make it…she is in pants after all.’

A judgment about her status was based on her outward appearance, which, in this case, alluded to her spiritual well-being, as in, she (the women wearing pants) was lost.

Another example of spiteful judgmentalism is how they ignore those who have left their circles. For instance, the bishop of the church I once attended pulled up in a truck to a driveway I stood in with another local businessman, ignored me completely, and refused to acknowledge my wave and greeting. He spoke to the other businessman, then drove away without looking at me.

Recently, the pastor of the church sent a Christmas card to my home and wrote the label to specifically exclude me from their holiday wishes. They could have labeled the envelope, ‘Brickley Family,’ but instead they singled out my wife and daughter.

They and their followers will say, ‘You are the one who chose to leave.’ Yet, I’m not sure how you can justify dropping respect and decency for another person simply because they disagree with you, and/or choose not to attend weekly services at your building.

Another young man decided to leave the church and this same pastor told him spitefully, ‘We will compare how our kids turn out in 30 years to decide who is right and who is wrong.’

This is why judgmentalism is a stumbling block. It can never bear good fruit. Jesus rightly said, ‘Ye shall know them by their fruits,’ and the pastor used the Word spitefully and incorrectly. Judgmentalism overrides common sense, decency, and wisdom. It is not a fruit of God’s Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, KJV

How to cope with Judgmentalism

1. Realize only God can judge you!

First, and foremost, come to grips with the reality that God is the only one capable and worthy to judge you, and when it came right down to it, He doesn’t do so superficially. If other flawed humans are judging you, they do it at their own peril and in our their own ignorance, violating Scripture commandments not to judge.

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way. – Romans 14:13

The cult will demand perfection for admittance, or to maintain your membership, which is truly a stumbling block to faith! God simply demands you strive not to sin, knowing of course that you will again. Consider again the adulteress of John 8, an illustration I’ve used many times.

When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. – John 8:10-11, KJV

We can also take comfort that while God definitely has an opinion about our outward appearance (dress) he is most concerned with the condition of the heart.

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.  – 1 Samuel 16:7

2. Surround yourself with non-judgmental people

Human nature tends to be judgmental, so we are going to face this issue throughout our life. Yet, when Coping with the Cults, your primary step towards healing is to get connected with ‘outsiders.’ And this will feel unnatural at first! You’ve been taught for years, perhaps your entire life, that this is absolutely wrong, to connect with people outside of the ‘way.’

More pointedly, find both religious and non-religious people that you can speak to, maybe even family that you had before the cult that would listen to your pains and understand them.

Look, when entering a cult, you cut off the entire world outside the cult. When exiting a cult, they cut you off from them. You are like an infant again in a world of strangers and now, it feels like limbo. Who do you have to turn to now? You must find them!

There are great Facebook groups like SpiritualAbuse.org and their website. These places will connect you to hundreds, thousands of people with similar stories and experiences that can listen, understand and help.

3. Do not become bitter and offer the same treatment in return

Lashing back at them is hard to avoid but is ever so important to avoid it. However, do not confuse exposing the hurt and the behavior of these groups as just being bitter. I expose them all the time, and they accuse me of being bitter.

But in my exposure of these cults, I have had many people come and say, ‘Thank you for sharing this! I was going through this and felt alone and didn’t know where to turn!’

You can be an instrument for a change! Those people who judge you are watching and waiting for your reaction. It may just be that in healing, you cause them to see you didn’t turn into the demon the cult said you would.

I have an in-law that calls me names because now I wear facial hair, which he is not allowed to have. I could in turn label and judge him, but my impact on him would diminish and it would just be a spitting match.

My son watched my words and behavior after I left the cult and had to start admitting, dad might be right… If I had become vile and bitter, he would have believed the worst of me, and been justified to think I had ‘gone astray.’

Conclusion

Coping with the Cults will not be easy, whatever brand, label or type it is. The judgmentalism runs deep in the roots of these organizations. Gossiping is generally the most visible sign of their spirit, both in organizations and in people.

When my sister left our church, years ago, people talked about her all the time. My dear mother, God rest her soul, would ask me at times, “Why do they have to be so mean to her?” They were the church leaders.

The answer is because they must. To be part of the gang you act like the gang. To be accepted into a social circle, you must morph with them. To be considered one of us, you need to act like us.

If you realize this and pray for them, silently forgive them, and count it an opportunity to show them a more real truth, a more real God, and a more real faith, you can endure and spring forth fruits from the judgmentalism.

More importantly, you can slowly etch away at the scars within yourself. Someone who has been deeply ingrained in a cult like society must battle out the judgmentalism they carry in their hearts. There are moments that you’ll look at other people and make decisions based on their appearance. Perhaps even looking back at those you escaped from and judge them.

Battle it out, pray it out, and be thankful you got out!

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Since leaving a cult, I have delved into studying, writing, reading, talking and coping with the very real, sometimes hidden, but obvious affects cults and their teachings have on lives. Most certainly the very word ‘cult’ conjures up the worst horrors to hit the news headlines, like Jonestown, or Waco, TX, but the majority of cults are far less obvious, and insidiously covert, and right next door.

The most common question I am asked, the top concern and hurt I see through my YouTube channel, this blog, interviews and online groups, is ‘How do I cope with the pain of all those I loved who now reject me, simply because I no longer go to church there?’

This series on Coping with the Cults will be focused on addressing the real and emotional outcomes that are a result of being a member of, or being affected by someone who is in a cult. But before we move on, I want to address the word cult and what I mean when I say it.

What is a cult?

1. The word itself has a few different social meanings. We have heard the phrase ‘cult following’ around a brand, a product, even a movie. Even Netflix has a section called Cult Sci-Fi & Fantasy. That is to say, these movies have a large fan base. Products like Apple can be referred to as the Apple Cult.

In this sense of the word, cult simply means something that is loved and/or adored by others.

2. The second most common definition of cult is a religion. Christianity, from its very beginning was considered to be a cult by Judaism and the Romans who occupied Jerusalem at the time of Jesus. That is to say, a religious cult is a religious movement or organization that differs dramatically from the social normative of religion in the time and environment the group was formed in.

Christianity of its time was considered to be a cult.

3. Today’s most common understanding of the word cult, and what I mean when I say it, is a religious organization that exhibits the following major characteristics at the very foundation of the belief structure:

• Exclusive – They are the only ones ‘with the truth,’ and often use phrases such as ‘coming into the truth’, or ‘leaving the truth.’ You must be in their organization and share exactly their beliefs in order to gain salvation, and leaving the organization is often hard, painful and doing so labels you as apostate.
• Secretive – These groups will internally teach doctrines, beliefs and practices that they do not share publicly, knowing that the knowledge would create ridicule and scare away new converts before indoctrination and take away the shock of the beliefs. They may also have sacred texts or writings that only upper echelon member are privy too.
• Authoritarian – The biggest and most insidious aspect to religious organizations known as cults is their practice of gathering around a single, often charismatic human leader who through indoctrination, brain washing and often outright demands, requires absolute and unwavering loyalty and obedience by his/her followers. This is often displayed by members becoming aggravated and potentially violent towards any who oppose the leaders teachings.

This third example is the type of church I attended for fifteen years and what I, and the majority of the world that studies cults, would define as a cult.

A young man from the very same church I left asked the pastor there if he could marry a young lady in the church. Because this young man had been asking questions about the doctrines of the church, the pastor told him no. He was told;

“Until I feel your unwavering loyalty, I will not give you one of my girls.”

This is a cult. One in which your privileges in life are at the permission of the leader. An organization that makes you believe that you must cut off family, friends and other associations in order to be in right standing with them. A belief system that makes you guard what you tell people about it, is most definitely a cult.

What happens when you leave a cult? Separation

Disfellowshipped, cast aside as chaff, purged wickedness. Separation.

If you decide of your own volition to leave a cult, you are one of the few. And if you are told you had to leave the church, the result is the same. As a matter of fact, this is so important to some religious organizations that follow this definition of a cult, they have entire web pages dedicated to teaching their followers how to cope with Disfellowshipping their own children.

The Jehovah’s Witness organization is one such group that fits this mold and puts a lot of effort, like the Mormon faith, into teaching their followers the art of separating from those who no longer believe ‘the faith,’ or as little as ‘break the rules’.

This article, entitled God’s Love – How to treat disfellowshipped people?, goes on to declare that strict avoidance and abandonment of a disfellowshipped person is necessary to prove ones loyalty to God, even if it is your children.

In this article, Why Disfellowshipping Is a Loving Provision, they try to show how Julian dealt with the Church declaring his son an outlaw, disfellowshipped and to be shunned. His Son.

“What Jehovah expects of us is reasonable and is a protection for us. For example, we all want to live among peaceful, decent, and honest people, and that is what we experience among our spiritual brothers and sisters. Why are they this way? Because they dedicated themselves to Jehovah and promised to live by what he says in the Bible.

How stark a contrast these teachings are to the power of love given to us by Christ.

John 8:7  So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
John 8:10  When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
John 8:11  She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

What a different story! The example from the Jehovah’s Witness web page, and my old Oneness Apostolic Pentecostal cult said, ‘get right, perfect yourself, cleanse the sin, and then we will accept you!’ But Jesus said, “I’ve already accepted you in your sin, and I do not judge or condemn you, let that be the reason you cleanse yourself from sin.”

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8, KJV

How to cope with separation?

This is for most, the hardest and most crucial moment in escaping from a cult, and retaining their faith in a loving God. It would be all too easy to say, ‘Why would God allow something like this to happen?’ and abandon faith. To let the pendulum swing to the other extreme.

We’ve probably all heard someone say, and maybe the preacher, ‘Would God allow us to have growth and revival if HE wasn’t in what we are doing?’ as if that proved the validity of their systems. To that I would ask, why is the Muslim faith the fastest growing religious organization on the planet? Is God in it?

In the book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, it ends with something I wasn’t expecting when I first read it, fresh after leaving the cult. The authors, David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, said leaving a spiritually abusive system was like leaving a physically abusive relationship, or leaving a drug addiction. It would take recovery.

Recovery? I shuddered. I left it, what did I have to recover from?

Bitterness for sure. To have the sudden realization that those whom you called friend, and even loved ones, turned from you simply because you decided to no longer attend a church. Not that you left God, became a robber and a murderer, or blasphemed God, you just left that address, or building. Can friendship be that cheap? Their responses will be, ‘You’re the one who left.’

Fear daily. What if they were right? What if the curses of God are about to crash down on me? Did I make a mistake? Will they ever talk to me again? I don’t have any friends now. What will my family say about me?

Anger at the system. Anger at those who follow the system. Mostly, angry at yourself for being so gullible and stupid. How could I have been so weak and stupid to let them control me like that?

When I read this I nearly broke out in tears. It was true. I was really angry, and I could easily take it out on others, but I was really angry with myself. That I would allow another human being with no gun to my head to control me so utterly. I felt like my manhood was ripped away. Really small, you know?

And then they said, this is how a drug addict feels. That small pill, the little bottle. The tiny droplet, or small pile of white powder. It had absolute control over them. And they felt stupid.

In the book Toxic Faith by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, they describe spiritual abuse like physical abuse, in that humanity tends to cling to the abuse if it is all they have known, because the unknown somehow seems more painful.

What a vicious cycle it is, and I believe God alone has judgement for the propagators of this hate.

The only way to Cope with the Cults, and the separation that follows, is to get help!

Consider this list of the top five steps you must take after a marital separation and see how it applies to Coping with the Cults.

1. Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings
2. Give yourself a break
3. Don’t go through this alone
4. Take care of yourself emotionally and physically
5. Avoid power struggles and arguments with your ex-church fellowship

#5 originally read, “Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse.”

This is poignant because when you buy in to a cult, you are marrying the system. You are not just someone who attends, but you are a member. You have committed to being one with the organization; you are, in all intents and purposes, betrothed. And separation from that is painful and has long term tremors.

You can, and you will recover! You will find support, and new friends, a fresh start, the life God intended you to live. It may take months, and in some cases, there are those who have been out for years that still face the struggle.

But God has better plans for you! You can Cope with the Cult that dogs you in the shadows of your mind, because God is not the author of confusion. Life was never intended to be a closet society on the fringe edge of normality.

You did escape, and you can escape, and you will recover, if you realize you were NOT STUPID, you are human. You are OK to have different feelings. You will not be hard on yourself for the past, and you most certainly will not do this alone. You will take care of yourself, free from the judgementalism of your past, and you, not in the spirit of separation, but in the spirit of love and recovery, will not endanger yourself by becoming embroiled in arguments and power struggles with those who would condemn you.

Remember the words of Christ as you go on in victory, Coping with the Cults.

Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

It’s New Year’s Eve, the time of the traditional watch night service, or foot washing and communion in many Pentecostal circles. It was one of the biggest nights of the year for me for the nineteen years I was “in,” and it’s a night that still brings many memories even after eight years “out.”

My views on communion have changed a lot since leaving. Tonight, considering some of the scriptures, I realized some things:

1) Regarding 1 Cor 11, which was always held as somewhat of a threat against us, “unworthily” has nothing to do with “sin in your life.” It has to do with eating selfishly, without consideration of others around you. The whole passage is about some people eating and drinking excessively while others remained hungry during the Lord’s Supper. Paul wasn’t warning them about being unclean or harboring secret sins. He wasn’t telling them to go on a soul-searching three-day fast, repenting of everything imaginable or “cleaning house” (literally and figuratively) before the once a year event, but of remaining considerate of others, shaming the church and disgracing the poor (v 22). This actually coincides with the very first Passover, in which the people were commanded to share the lamb with neighbors if the lamb was too big for one household. (Ex 12:4)

2) There was always debate and some shaming about who could take communion. Communion at Pentecostal churches was “closed” — so much so that they didn’t even serve communion in a regular service, but in a special one after hours. Visitors and children shouldn’t take communion, it was thought, because they hadn’t been baptized. My parent’s church (not Pentecostal) had taught this, too. Yet even strangers and foreigners could celebrate Passover, and communion is the New Testament “version” of Passover. (There were laws regarding how they should prepare, but they could participate.) (Num 6:14).

3) At the first Passover, they were slaves. I’m not sure how they all found lambs a year old, but I do wonder if this meal must have been an absolute feast to them.

4) It still amazes me that breaking bread in the Bible was an invitation to fellowship. Jesus broke bread and shared it, and invited us all to remember him through that broken bread. He invites us all into fellowship, both with him and other believers.

And so, I no longer participate in watch night services. And I’ve learned some things since last attending one.

Happy new year to all of you. May you find peace and freedom in the coming year.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

I woke up this morning with some sadness weighing on my heart, and heavy thoughts in my mind.

Mind if I talk about it?

Yesterday, someone I hadn’t talked to for quite a while came to mind. I asked my wife if she had heard from him lately, and she said no; with that, I made a note to check in with him later that night. I wanted to send him a late “Merry Christmas” and a “Happy New Year” on Facebook. I also wanted to see how he was doing, his church, family, etc… Late last night, I got on Facebook to check in, and after I searched his name, was taken aback by what I discovered.

He unfriended me.

I was shocked. I asked my wife to look him up in her Facebook account, and she’d also been unfriended. We’d also been removed from the private group that he ran.

Actions like this (refusing to contact an individual and work it out) can be a trigger for me. In the past, I talked to him about all of those “friends” who turned their backs on me when I left the United Pentecostal Church (UPCI). I’m surprised that he would do the exact same thing he criticized them for doing.

I was a minister in the UPCI, and leaving that organization was a horrible experience. One of the biggest obstacles was how so many friends and family I knew and loved just easily and quickly turned their backs on me. Unless you experience something like this, it’s difficult to understand.

Here is a question: how do people just all of sudden decide they don’t want to talk to you anymore, or want to be in your presence, and don’t want you in their lives? (Especially ministers that you’ve opened up to.)

When those UPCI people left, he was there. He talked to me, and helped me out. He gave me some good advice that actually HELPED me understand and get through that dark period of life. I’ll never forget these statements he gave me, and as a matter of fact, I have repeated them often while trying to help others.

“Not everyone who fights in the trenches with you is your friend.”

“There is a difference between being friendly, and being friends.”

The sad reality is that while I strive to be a friend, a lot of people only strive to be friendly. I learned the hard way how those are two very different things.

I know firsthand how difficult it is being a minister. Few will admit it, but ministers live wearing more masks than many of the people hearing their preaching. One mask is trying to please God, another is trying to please our friends, then family, the church, critics, the lost, etc… A minister is trying to balance all of that on a tight rope that really doesn’t exist. In fact, there are days were it would seem like walking on water would be a lot easier than trying to have a balanced relationship with everyone!

While many believers live trying to balance it all, often they fail. It happens to us all. At times, it all just becomes so very convoluted. When that happens, we often just start pushing people away.

You don’t have to push away the people who love, respect, cherish, listen, challenge, debate, and disagree with you. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. I tell myself this every day.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

In December 2017, the blog section of the spiritual abuse website had 9882 visits, with 6047 being unique. Below are the top ten read posts for December from seven different authors.

We are always looking for new people to join our group of bloggers, so please consider registering and watch your email for more information. How frequently you post is up to you. Let your voice be heard and help others recover. You may find healing for yourself as well. Read here for more information.

Commenting directly on the blog is an encouragement to our writers as they often cannot see all the places where their words are shared and discussed on social media.

Woman ‘in the Spirit’ on a Jamaican Flight – author Lois (accessed 1738 times)
Religion or Christ? – author Nancy (accessed 531 times)

She’s Got The Look (Of Salvation) – author John (accessed 432 times)

When you’re an “Apostate” in their eyes – author ThereIsLife (accessed 426 times)

22 Similarities In Christian Cults – author D.M. & posted by Lois

Living for God should not be so hard – author Random Thoughts

The Few, The Proud, The… – author Lois

Are you taught to keep the Law of Moses (Legalism) – author dividinghisword

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #1: You and Those Who Remain – author Lois

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. – author Random Thoughts

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.