Category: trauma | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

When Suicide is Selfless (Part One): Within the Cult

Looking back, I still remember the first time I felt hopelessness completely overtake my life, enveloping all joys into sorrow, and laughter into days of tears. The compassionate mentor who became an explosive dictator demanded to know every detail of my past sexual encounters. He likely wanted some form of company as his black Grand Prix was struggling to shift from first to second gear on the highway, plugging its way home on a grueling one-hour drive from work.

At first, I refused, knowing the phone conversation to be inappropriate between a forty-something year old married man and an eighteen-year old college student. He repeated his demands through coercion and manipulation until he finally resolved to threats. His wife- we’ll call her Mrs. Julie- was my friend, mentor, and accountability partner and we were supposed to talk on the phone in a few minutes, at four-thirty as we did every weekday. We would go over a list of daily questions, had I given in to any one of multiple temptations, as well as any other issues to discuss in the spiritual walk of a college girl. He knew I was emotionally and spiritually dependent on her and he used it to his advantage. Once again, he cut off all communication between Mrs. Julie and I until I conformed to his wishes. I also wasn’t allowed to tell her that he cut off communication, but simply leave her in hurt, broken trust, as she was a woman who highly valued dependability, loyalty in friendships, and keeping one’s word.

He was jealous of the time his wife spent mentoring teenage girls, and particularly her time with me. He often accused me of loving his wife sexually and would even direct me to a different room in his house to establish that his wife was his property. Now, with his vehicle falling apart, requiring expensive repair, he needed some semblance of control. Or maybe he needed some sick fantasy to aide in the time and distract him from the stress of the current situation, probably because he withheld from his wife as a form of sexual and emotional control as well. Defeated and concerned about Mrs. Julie, however, I gave in to his perverse commands. Thankfully, as a virgin, the account was limited, but he wanted to know every detail of petting, kissing, touching, and discovery.

When I was finally able to call Mrs. Julie, I had to explain why I was so late. But upon hearing the circumstances, she wasn’t angry with her husband- we’ll call him Brother Thomas- she was furious with me. She was livid and tried to have me see it from her perspective: a young teen girl expounding to her husband about her sexual life. I had crossed a line that no one knew how to rectify. Once again, I was the wedge between her and her husband. I was the one who caused the argument.

I was caught between a rock and a hard place, simply longing for all to be at peace. If Brother Thomas cut off communication entirely, Mrs. Julie would never forgive him, driving that wedge yet deeper. It would literally break Mrs. Julie’s heart for either one of us to break off our friendship, but here I stood: between Brother Thomas and Mrs. Julie, always trying to do the right thing, but continually making it worse.

There was no solution except for me to just be out of the picture so no one was to blame. And so began what I would later learn are called “intrusive thoughts”:
“What if that truck behind the church swerved just enough to hit me where I stood?”
“What if the shuttle driver over-corrected and we went into a ditch?”
“If only that car lost just enough control, and I would no longer be a detriment to their marriage and Mrs. July would be able to move on without the continued heartache.”

Looking back, I see how Brother Thomas was perverse. I see how Mrs. Julie placed the blame on me when her anger should have been directed towards her husband. I see now how it’s better that my life didn’t end that semester- I now have a loving husband and beautiful children! -and I can see now how they weren’t worth my life. But people continue to say that “suicide is selfish.” Let me tell you, it’s not always selfish. Sometimes it’s selfless.

Sometimes it’s from being beaten and berated to the point that one no longer sees the value in their own life, only that the end of their life would end the torment in another’s life. It’s not true, but nearly impossible to see in the moment. Depression and suicide lie. Spiritually-abusive cults continually remind us that we are as worthless, sinful worms in the eyes of God, when in reality, we are His treasure.

***If you are contemplating suicide, there is no reason to be ashamed nothing good comes out of a life lost. You are truly precious in God’s eyes. Seek out a friend or family member, a general care provider, or call the Suicide Hotline at 1(800) 273-8255. You can also text 741741 and a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. It’s a free service to anyone who lives in the United States and it’s run by the Crisis Text Line. Suicide isn’t always selfish, but it fails to show that there are other ways and your life is worth living.***

When Suicide is Selfless (Part 2): A Mother’s Love

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Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II

What is it like to be a child raised in a spiritually abusive environment? We have many books published that look at physical abuse and neglect from the eyes of the child, as well as other books that give an in depth look at sexual abuse or emotional abuse and how it feels to be the victim of such crimes.

More and more, I am hearing the stories of those who were raised in spiritually abusive environments. It is no shock to me to discover that many of these children also experienced other types of abuse while growing up. Abusive natures tend to not limit the tools of the abuse to one particular mode.

Many people may be familiar with the book “A Child Called It” and the sequels, where horrendous abuse is described from the viewpoint of Dave Pelzer, the victim, after he has grown up and finds himself in a safer environment. Although his mother’s primary choice of abuse was physical, she also heaped emotional and psychological abuse upon him. Severe neglect was part of her twisted behavior, and her physical abuse became more and more severe until it rivaled military torture in severity.

Much like this story, it is common in mental health care, when we encounter a child who has been the victim of abuse or neglect, to also discover other types of abuse the child experienced in that process. Knowing this, it is no surprise to discover that spiritual abuse often leads to physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sporadic care or neglect, and even, in some cases, sexual abuse.

The viewpoints of these individuals is quite similar to children who have grown up with other kinds of abuse.

There is the feeling that they are unworthy or faulty in some deep internal way. There is guilt over things that they have no control over. Constant need to apologize is common. A severe need for reassurance is to be expected. Not being able to trust their own intuition or second guessing their perfectly logical thoughts is part of the symptomology. Fear of authority or inability to trust authority of any kind is to be expected. Much like victims of other types of abuse, PTSD symptoms are “par for the course”–hyper-vigilance, nightmares, triggers, startle reflexes, wariness, and extreme anxiety. It is also fairly common that they may experience suicidal ideation–urges to harm themselves.

Spiritual abuse is no joke. It can cause permanent harm, just like any other type of abuse. It tears down the individual, and creates the same anxieties found in other child abuse victims. Almost without fail, spiritually abusive environments will require physical abuse of children, often disguised as “biblical” corporal punishment, but seldom considered within the realm of “normal” developmentally appropriate corporal punishment.

In the next segment of this article, we will look at some of the stories of the abuse from the eyes and testimonies of the victims, as we preserve their privacy.

(To be continued)

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V

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Spiritual Abuse as Trauma (Part 1)

INTRODUCTION

Trauma is often thought to be any life threatening situation. It’s easy to imagine a tornado, war, armed robbery as trauma. Most people also recognize rape and sexual abuse as trauma, because it invades the most intimate parts of the body. Sexual trauma robs the individual of their power over their own body, and even permanently changes the structure of a person’s brain (Van Der Kolk, 2014).

Many people would readily agree that the above-mentioned situations describe abuse. Yet these same people would also deny the existence of spiritual abuse, much less acknowledge it as trauma.

However, just as sexual abuse affects an individual by invading the physical and emotional aspects of intimacy, spiritual abuse invades the intimacy of the very soul itself. Much like sexual abuse perverts what was intended to be beautiful about physical romantic intimacy, spiritual abuse perverts God’s intimacy with the soul of a human being.

Trauma occurs when an individual is harmed or threatened with harm, and they have no way to fight it off or flee from it (Van Der Kolk, 2014). Spiritual abuse is wrapped in a cloak of sanctimony that makes it difficult to identify at first. Then it threatens eternal damnation and separation from God–and how can the person fight or flee from this form of abuse? This insidious form of abuse leaves people just as broken as incest, rape, war, or violence. While other forms of abuse focus on the body and the mind, spiritual abuse scars the soul.

DYNAMICS

Working with clients who have been victims of sexual or physical abuse, I often find that their stories have a similar flair, in that the perpetrator of the abuse kept them separated from others so they wouldn’t realize the abuse for what it was. Maybe that uncle that raped him continually through his childhood told him it was “our special bond”. Or, maybe her dad told her “this is what dads and daughters do”. Trying to normalize the abnormal is a common key for abusers. Keeping the events secret perpetuates the crime, and keeps the child from knowing that what is happening is not okay. Because adults “know everything”, they assume they must put up with the treatment that is painful and confusing in most cases.

In this same way, we see that spiritual abuse usually involves an element of secrecy. The constituents are told that they are the only “right way” to be saved, and that other denominations or churches are “not right with God” or are “heresy”. They are encouraged to keep quiet about things that go on behind the scenes, and to not tell visitors of all of the rules and regulations until they are “part of us”. The leadership of such groups inundate the people with messages that lift themselves up to a place of authority over others. This is done to such a degree as to make people feel like they are not smart enough or close to God enough to make their own decisions and must go with what leadership says, regardless of their feelings about it, “in order to be saved”. These groups generally have entire services directed towards “rebellion” against the leadership being a sin, or they may include the comments often in their sermons. The constituents are taught that “this is what the New Testament church did”, even though there is no proof for that in the Bible. They often preach about how much they love the “saints” and it is acted out by preferential treatment to those who swallow it all and work the hardest to obey the leadership.

EFFECTS

So, what are the effects to the victims of the different types of abuse and trauma? Can spiritual abuse cause similar harm to that of physical or sexual abuse?

Working with sexual abuse victims and physical abuse victims, we often see a startle instinct that is overactive. Sometimes this is called a hyper-awareness. They are vigilant while in play, as their brains learned early that not every situation is safe. They often have nightmares. They may get very emotional at times, about things that make no sense to others. They may acquire social anxieties, regress in their development, or avoid others by curling into a ball under a desk at school. Triggers are everywhere for these individuals, and no one understands what that feels like except them.

Maybe he has anxiety attacks when he sees a red plaid shirt like the one uncle wore when he raped him. She may scream and cry or throw things when she smells the odor of a mechanic shop, because that smell triggers the memory of dad when he was molesting her. I’ve seen times where kids had to turn on every light they saw, all day long, and would get frantic if not allowed to do so, because something bad happened to them in the dark of night. Another adult client shared with me that she would hide in the closet to avoid her grandfather raping her, and that she still feels like the closet is her safe place when she is scared.

How does this apply to spiritual abuse?

Having spent some time talking to many victims of spiritual abuse, it is apparent that there are definite parallels. Symptoms of PTSD are very evident in these individuals. Panic attacks are common, sleepless nights where nightmares and fears reign, hyper awareness, and even social anxieties are present in the majority of these individuals. Paralyzing fear for no apparent reason is often a continual battle for those recovering from spiritual abuse. They learned in the most primitive parts of their brains that the place they were told was the safest in the world, church, turned out to be the most frightening for them. Triggers are present all around them in words spoken, actions taken, and faces they see on the street. However, the most frightening place of all has come to be a church building.

I’ve heard her describe getting up to leave during a sermon because she couldn’t breathe and was having a panic attack. He described being unable to sleep every single night. The odor of olive oil causes her to feel sick because it is what her abusive pastor used on her when he told her she was possessed of a demon. Seeing a white shirt and tie on someone carrying a Bible causes an instant heart rate increase and the urge to run in the opposite direction. Not going to church at all is often the only way to find peace and start healing.

References

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Viking.

Spiritual Abuse as Trauma (Part 2)

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