Defining the different types of abuse seems unnecessary, but there are many people who do not know what constitutes abuse of another.
The golden rule, “do unto others as you’d have them do unto you” just doesn’t seem to be enough to enable human beings to learn how to treat one another. Although there are multiple reasons for this, the most simplistic response is to say that many people have been so misused themselves that they have little frame of reference as to how to treat themselves or one another. There is a saying I hear often, but do not know who to credit. It says “Hurt people hurt people”. In my line of work, I have observed that to be true. Usually, a cycle of abuse may be several generations long.
Since I work in the state of Arkansas, I have chosen to use some definitions that are handed out in that state. The Arkansas Legal Services Partnership defines emotional abuse as “behavior that undermines the other partner’s sense of self-worth.” It further defines psychological abuse as “isolating a partner from friends and family, and causing fear by intimidation and threats.”
As expected, there is no definition listed for spiritual abuse. However, many of the individuals who have experienced spiritual abuse could place their experiences quite literally in either of the above-mentioned definitions.
When a person leaves a spiritually abusive environment, it is often difficult to know how to act in the real world. The individual’s sense of self worth was so wrapped up in what they did for the church or in the identity of wearing certain clothing styles, that there is a transition period of time where they feel like they are a “nobody”, or completely irrelevant. A process of healing must begin, where they can begin to discover that they still have a lot to offer and that they are important just by being themselves.
Many abusive church groups isolate their members from friends and family who are “unsaved”. Oftentimes, members are forbidden from visiting other churches, going to ballgames, theaters, or other places of entertainment where one might normally spend time with family or friends. Not only that, many are told specifically that it doesn’t matter if their family drove across the United States to see them or not, they must tell visiting family members to either come to church with them, or they must leave the visiting family members at home alone, in order to not miss a single service at the church. There are specific things members are told not to discuss with family members, in some cases. In other cases, they are told to not talk to or associate with family members or friends who leave the group. If they have non-group members that are friends, the activities and the time they spend with those friends is limited. If members are spending time with non-members at all, it is expected that they will be endeavoring to convert them. This type of isolation has the effect of adding to the “brainwashing” effect of the group.
Fear and threats are levied to intimidate individuals to obey the rules of the group. Perhaps the greatest threat is being removed from any type of service or leadership for not “following the rules” or “toeing the line”. In some cases, this gets so extreme that a person is not allowed to be an usher because they watched a movie at a friend’s home, if movies are against the rules. In another case, it might be that they are not allowed to sing in the choir because they have a two inch split in their long skirt. Some pastors preach that young people have to have pastoral permission to date one another. Even when they start dating, they cannot ever go to a restaurant or to any venue alone, but always with a chaperone. In addition to these rules, they cannot hold hands, hug, or kiss at all until at their wedding. These rules are enforced by threats and intimidation. If you do not follow these guidelines, you will be “in rebellion” to the “man of God” placed over you, and you will go to a “devil’s hell” for your rebellious spirit. In the meantime, you will be shamed and shunned within the church group. If you are not a rule-follower, you will be banned from dating those who are rule-followers.
Do we need an additional title “spiritual abuse” in order to recognize these behaviors for the abusiveness they are? I think not. The very fact that these methods are designed to control another person and limit their contact with those outside the group should be cause for concern.
In a nutshell, abuse is taking someone’s power away. Stepping into another person’s life to command it is not only controlling, but it is abusive.
Spiritual Abuse as Trauma (Part 1)
Being in these legalistic churches is living in a constant state of hypervigalent fear. Constantly judging oneself and others. Often unaware of the extent to which you are doing it. There is no Que Sera in these churches. Nothing goes unnoted or unjudged. The freedom from leaving brings a peace that surpasses any possible good ever experienced in these legalistic cult like churches but it takes time and distance to let God heal. God bless those devoted to helping the abused.