Category: sexual abuse | Page 12 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 2

Besides hearing of instances of alleged sexual abuse in a Colorado United Pentecostal Church that were not reported, I have heard from several former members as to how people in leadership there, including licensed ministers, have conducted themselves. I’ve seen one person refer to former members as the ‘Walking Wounded.’ Even though the Bible shares in several places how believers should be slow to anger, it appears some in leadership have chosen to repeatedly, and for years, display the works of the flesh instead of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). (See Proverbs 14:29, 15 & 29:11, James 1:19-20, Ecclesiastes 7:9, Colossians 3:8.) The apostle Paul instructed Titus about elders among fellow believers and wrote in 1 Titus (NASB):

7For the overseer must be above reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, 8but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, 9holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching,

This is part fifteen in a series of articles and part two of the focus on a Colorado church. This is a compilation of allegations from numerous former members against the leadership of this church and the reports cover a span of many years.

I firmly believe that if a minister does not have the heart of a servant, as Jesus taught and showed by example, they should not hold license. Even Jesus himself did not come to be served but to serve others. Ministers and pastors are not supposed to be waited on and catered to by members of a church. They should not be elevated to a place where their actions cannot be questioned, nor should they live extravagantly on the hard earned money of members, when many of those people go without things.

Should ministers seek to have a table at church banquets where they are set apart from non-ministers and have church members appointed to only serve them and their needs? Where did ministers get the idea that they are separate from other believers in the body of Christ and shouldn’t spend much time with, or get close to, them? Did not the Pharisees in the New Testament act similarly?

Should members be expected to clean a pastor’s personal home because the church is having a conference (of course without being paid)? What about members who work for weeks under fear and intimidation on personal parties and anniversaries for the pastor and his family? Is it proper to remove members from ministries because they get behind in paying pledge money for such anniversary services? I cannot see David Bernard, the General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church, condoning such actions.

Should a pastor and his family live quite lavishly while there are many church members who are having a tough time making ends meet and while some ride a bus to services as they have no vehicle, while the pastor and his wife drive very expensive cars? Should the pastor and his family expect members to purchase them expensive gifts like a top of the line Jacuzzi or a baby grand piano or request that members help send them on exotic trips? It’s been said that some in the church have been told that “the least we can do is give him our money.”

Why would there be a hidden TV behind a wall panel in the living room (that was made to look like it was the mantle) during a time when UPC licensed ministers were forbidden to own one and all the while preach against it? In addition, why would there be a second TV in the basement with many Disney and other movies for the grandchildren? I have found the whole affirmation statement to be such a farce as through the years I have heard of various ministers signing the document and yet not abiding by it. Or making changes to it or adding a note that essentially nullifies it and these are accepted by the organization.

Should a pastor’s wife, now a senior pastor’s wife, be verbally abusive year after year to church members who volunteered to be in a seasonal church production, belittling them to the point where they are left in tears? One person shared they had to take Xanax for three months to make it through all the rehearsals due to her behavior. This woman has been described by more than one former member as ‘cruel,’ ‘vicious’ and ‘manipulative’. Some members were more afraid of what the pastor and his wife thought than God.

What about a PK, now a pastor’s wife, who regularly scolds choir members and even allegedly physically pulled a woman out of choir for failure to perform a movement she wanted, which the woman was incapable of doing due to the restricted room she had to work in. This leader took the choir member to the pastor’s office and allegedly lied about physically assaulting her. Should a person be screamed at for missing a cue? The fruit of the Spirit is severely lacking in such a person.

Love people. Respect them, serve them, and care for them. Ultimately, the only acceptable motive and the only successful method of leadership is love. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

Should a visiting minister demand money and anything of worth to be handed over to the church under the guise of obtaining a blessing, especially in a church that already had plenty and was not suffering financially? Some who didn’t have cash left jewelry, shoes, perfume and other valuables on the altar. When one woman regretted giving her wedding ring, she allegedly called the church the next day to get it back and was told it was gone.

Does a pastor have the right to demand that a future wife goes to the husband’s church when two people are planning on marrying (done in order to keep members in the church)? How is it any of his business? Should a pastor be telling church members that he forbids them to have interaction with anyone who leaves the church or to not attend a new work that has started nearby?

Should a pastor use intimidation or guilt to manipulate members? What does it say about a pastor when he threatens a member with a lawsuit or tells them not just to leave the church building, but the state as well? What would you think of your pastor if you discovered he had allegedly harassed a former member, contacting his employer in an effort to get him fired, all because he started a church? Would that not speak loudly of the man’s deep feelings of insecurity (as well as other things)? Should a pastor punish church members by removing them from the platform or their positions in the church for simply attending a service at another UPCI church?

Have integrity. Be honest with God, yourself and people. Periodically ask God to purge you of personal or mixed motives. …When self-interest is at stake, seek the honest opinions of others and, if necessary, recuse yourself from a decision. Look at all sides of a decision or disagreement, consider other points of view, and treat everyone fairly. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

These are some of the allegations that I have heard about this church and their pastoral/leadership team. These alone are troublesome, but combined with multiple allegations through the years of unreported sexual abuse cause me to be quite concerned. Why are some so fearful of speaking out and reporting these incidents? If these accounts are true, these people are not fit to hold license with any organization, no matter how many in the organization there are who may not have seen things themselves. If these are true, how has this church been allowed to remain in the UPCI? Has headquarters never received any information about them? Do members not realize there is a judicial procedure in the UPCI where ministers can be confronted about wrongdoings?

Below are the personal thoughts, experiences and opinions of just one former member of this Colorado United Pentecostal Church.

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I remember the Sunday night when I decided I would never come back to that church again. I was sitting in church when, just before service, the then pastor’s wife asked the band to do a run through of the night’s special choir song. Before we started, she said in a serious, bitter tone, “I have friends visiting tonight so you all better not embarrass me!” We were about halfway through the song when she flubbed up the tempo, as was typical, and blamed it on the band. “Stop!,” she screeched, bent over with a look of disgust on her face. She then addressed the band by saying that she could not count on us for anything, that we never get anything right, and that it was our fault if the Holy Ghost “didn’t come.”

That was the moment my chin dropped down to my chest and I realized, this is not a place where Jesus – the real Jesus – is welcome. You see, for four years I had sat there, spending close to 20 hours a week at church, sometimes more, missing out on life because of my great commitment to the excellent music we put forth. We were a stellar band and everyone knew it, but when this woman wanted us six or seven players to copy to a T the likes of the Brooklyn Tabernacle, complete with every hit and swell of their full orchestra, it simply could not be done. But she didn’t accept that.

The prior year, I had served in a key position for the church’s massive Easter drama, witnessing behavior that would have been met with legal action in any other setting. This woman, supposedly the ultimate example of a godly woman, exhibited alarming, non Christ-like, and vicious behavior that no one who is called a leader should ever exhibit. Fits of rage, screaming, dramatic tantrums, and hurling objects such as her microphone across the room. Asking people, “Are you retarded?” when they didn’t do something quite to her liking, telling people they were jokes, and belittling even children who fell short of her expectations. It was an outrage.

Yet that is not the whole reason why I left. For the year leading up to my departure, I had pleaded for a meeting with the pastor. I wanted to discuss my feelings and the evolution of my beliefs, which were leading me to question the doctrines of the United Pentecostal Church. My pleas fell on deaf ears and I was continually blown off. But before that, I was “in” with them. I was one of them. I had enjoyed private dinners in their luxurious mansion, valued at more than $3 million according to the county assessor’s office. These people who are supposed to emulate Jesus – champion of the humble and selfless – were the most lavish people I had ever known. They drive Escalades, Porsches, and Jaguars. The husband sports custom Italian suits, expensive ties, and watches valued in the thousands. The wife wears floor-length furs, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, St. John, Yves St. Laurent, and every other ultra luxury designer bag, shoes, and outfits. The devil really does wear Prada. They take trips to luxurious destinations around the world, often paid for by church members as coerced anniversary or birthday gifts. Yet the majority of their church is poor.

Where is Jesus in all of this? Where is Jesus when their daughter, who, along with her husband, has taken over the church in recent years, grabs people’s arms so hard it leaves a bruise and threatens them when she thinks they’ve attempted to defy her? Where is Jesus when the current pastor, her husband, threatens people and makes false, damaging, and derogatory allegations about them from the pulpit? Or how about when a staff member, who is on the church payroll, gets caught sending racy photos of herself to boys in the church and more? It all gets swept under the rug. Jesus has left that building.

I know more than one woman who claims that the former pastor, now ‘bishop,’ demanded that she stay married to her husband when he was physically abusing her or having extra-marital affairs. I also know that he told me to my face that I would go to hell for leaving his church. I was then dragged through the mud, publicly shamed and excommunicated, like so many before me were. When a man leaves, they accuse him of being gay or an adulterer. When a woman leaves, she’s a harlot. When anyone defies them, there is hell to pay. They make hollow threats and viciously gossip.

They sift the hard-earned money of the poor from the coffers to fund their lavish lifestyles. In their own eyes, they are above reproach and not to be questioned, but they will face the One who knows and sees all one day. And I don’t want to be anywhere near them when that lightning bolt hits. God have mercy and show them the error of their ways while there is still time to correct it. These people are unfit for leadership, and certainly unfit to represent Christ. They are the epitome of the reason so many have negative views of Christianity and, in my opinion, defile the name of God.

1 Peter 5 (NASB): Therefore, I exhort the elders among you, as your fellow elder and witness of the sufferings of Christ, and a partaker also of the glory that is to be revealed, shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 1

Part fourteen of a series of articles.

(Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by one witness, though there are several others which have corroborated events. There have been no convictions as the case mentioned here was not reported to the police and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt.)

Many now wonder if there has been a habit of covering up and denying child and sexual abuse in evangelical churches in general—if there is something in the evangelical DNA that makes us hesitant to deal with accusations quickly, openly, and truthfully when there is the suspicion of grave sin in our midst. – Mark Galli

In writing this series of articles, besides all the situations I already knew, others have contacted me about additional instances of sexual abuse in the United Pentecostal Church. Since starting this series, I heard about ones coming from a well-known church in Colorado, which started sounding all too similar to what I have heard about Calvary Gospel Church in Wisconsin regarding failure to report. Between the two sets of asterisks below is what a person remembers from one of the alleged instances. In looking into this situation, I conversed with several people, including eyewitnesses to the service described in this report, and based upon their accounts I do not doubt this took place.

Prior to this event, the wife of another youth pastor had allegedly committed adultery with a member of the youth group, though he was of age, possibly in his mid 20s, and it appears to have been consensual. The couple divorced. It has also been alleged that in the 1990s, the pastor found out that the man who was playing the role of Jesus in “The Messiah,” an Easter production, was having an affair. It is claimed that after the discovery the pastor allowed him to continue in the role as it was close to when the play was being presented. These are not the only troubling situations surrounding this church and they don’t all pertain to sexual matters. One individual shared with me that in their opinion they have never seen a more corrupt district than the Colorado District of the United Pentecostal Church.

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Growing up, we seemed to have a revolving door when it came to youth pastors. They would come and go frequently, and it was always heartbreaking when you got attached to a new youth pastor only to have them disappear in a year or two.

Then, a young, cool youth pastor was announced. He and his wife were the epitome of good looking, well-bred UPC ministry. His adorable wife was the envy of many young girls for her gorgeous dark hair and fashionable clothes, while the youth pastor himself was what many young girls hoped their husband would look like one day. They toted around a sweet chubby cheeked baby boy that we all fell in love with and begged to babysit. We were smitten.

For almost two years, I thought we had finally hit the jackpot with who I will refer to as Youth Pastor X. Things seemed to be going amazingly well, the youth group was thriving, and we felt loved and cared about by leaders at our church.

Then, one Sunday evening, they weren’t at church, which was really odd, as they had just been at youth service the Friday evening before so they couldn’t have been out of town. At the end of the church service, the pastor of the church stood in the pulpit and said we would be having an all church meeting and he asked our visitors to leave at that time because of the sensitive nature of what he needed to say.

One by one, confused visitors exited the sanctuary with the assistance of church ushers who made sure they had exited the building before the meeting began. Dread sat thick and heavy in my chest. This wasn’t the first time we had a meeting like this. It usually meant that someone was being publicly kicked out of the church.

Slowly, my pastor began explaining that our beloved Youth Pastor X had been asked to resign his position at the church. He did not go into a lot of detail but did say that we were not allowed to have any contact with him or his family and that they were currently packing their moving truck and would be leaving the state immediately.

Questions started swirling in my head…what did they do? Was his wife caught wearing pants? Were they going to movie theaters? This was terrible! And we weren’t even allowed to say goodbye!

As my pastor continued to talk, it was disclosed that misconduct had occurred which left them no choice but to ask Youth Pastor X to leave. No further information was shared, though the pastor did take a few questions that he answered very vaguely.

As the next few days came and went, the truth of the story began to circulate. Youth Pastor X was having a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old girl from the youth group. The strange thing? The fault was entirely pinned on the 14-year-old girl. She was labeled as promiscuous and a bad seed. Everyone knew that she was a bad kid, and this just proved it. She must have come onto Youth Pastor X and he had no power against her. She had a spirit about her and the devil was working in her to ruin Youth Pastor X’s ministry. She was ostracized from the youth group, we all looked at her as though she had ruined his ministry.

No charges were ever filed. Youth Pastor X was allowed to leave the state without a tarnish against him.

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At the same time, if the many charges prove to be true to a larger extent than they currently acknowledge, it would be sad and troubling—but not without hope if it leads to truth-telling and repentance. The truth of sin that leads to repentance is one of the most glorious moments in our life in Christ. – Mark Galli

From what former members have shared, in this church it has been the normal procedure to dismiss any visitors in order to address members in regard to problems. The pastors are known for cutting off contact between members and anyone they feel is dangerous to the church.

The identity of the girl was never officially revealed by the pastor but there were people in the church who knew it. One person shared that her and the youth pastor were caught kissing while they were on a youth conference trip up in the mountains, possibly at Winter Park. It is alleged that she had a crush on him and pursued him and that she left the church for awhile after he was sent away. She has been in and out of that church since then.

Two others have shared with me they thought she was 15 or 16 at the time, not 14. Regardless of whether it was 14, 15 or 16, the legal age for consent to sexual activity in Colorado is 17. The victim was only 16 years old in 1998 and wouldn’t have been 17 until the first third of 1999 when this youth pastor was no longer there. The youth pastor was 28 in 1998. Despite these facts, there are some with ties to the church who will tell you that what happened was consensual. They are in grave error because according to the law, that was impossible. A minor cannot give consent and especially not a minor when the other party is in a position of trust.

The law, which in my opinion needs to change, does allow that someone under 15 can consent to have sex when the person is not more than four years older. In addition, a 15-16 year old can consent as long as the other person is no more than ten years older. (I am uncertain as to when the near in age rules went into effect. Regardless, the age difference between the two exceeded both rule exceptions.) What also comes into play in a case such as this one is when the perpetrator is in a position of trust. Examples of a person being in the position of trust are pastors, teachers, doctors, etc. A criminal charge of sexual abuse is more serious when it involves a position of trust. [Because there may be other sexual abuse victims from Colorado reading this, some may wish to review this PDF document, which covers the law, statutes of limitations and potential sentences and was valid as of at least 2015. You may also wish to read this article of why it is important to report possible cases of sexual assault.]

As I’ve written elsewhere, ‘if you are interacting with a sex offender who is admitting he or she has harmed someone, and you feel yourself being pulled to feel sorry for this person instead of, or more than, the victim, it is probable that an experienced victim-stancer is manipulating you.’

“Many well-intentioned people feel sympathy for an offender and advocate for them with the victim and/or the victim’s loved ones. They remind victims that their abusers are created in God’s image no matter what harm they have done. For the victims and their loved ones, this is a bizarre, surreal, and wounding experience because it echoes and reinforces the grooming of the abuser. – Maureen Farrell Garcia

One person alleged they were told by the pastor that this man was dismissed due to impropriety issues with money. However, the youth pastor privately shared that he had been dismissed due to inappropriate contact with a minor. It has also been alleged that the pastor told him to leave Colorado immediately and if he did so, no further action would be taken against him. This was never reported to the police. The youth pastor did not hold a UPCI license at the time.

This youth pastor was married in 1993 and felt a call to preach in his teen years. He attended the Jackson College of Ministries, a UPC operated Bible college which has since closed. Serving at this Colorado church while in his mid to late twenties, it appears he held the position from 1996 through 1998. Some dates I received were slightly different, but all narrowed it down to the mid to late 90s. He was definitely gone in 1999 as the next youth pastor was serving during the time of the Columbine shootings.

Besides all of this, it is very disturbing that this youth pastor became licensed a few years later after moving to another district just southwest of Colorado, during the time when Tommy Hudson was the Superintendent. It doesn’t matter whether or not he ever again did something similar. As was explained in a previous article, when a person is guilty of an immoral sexual act, they are forever ineligible to be licensed. In this alleged situation, besides adultery, we have a sexual assault of a minor. This man is first seen in the 2002 UPCI Directory, which is reflective of him receiving license in 2001. It is interesting to note that the Directory indicates he received ordination, which isn’t the level a newly licensed minister usually receives. In 2002 he became the associate pastor of a church. Just a few short years later in 2005, he became the pastor of a different church and remains in that position as of the writing of this article. Two to three years after taking over the church it became non-affiliated. (There are two types of UPCI churches: affiliated and non-affiliated.)

The rules in the UPCI Manual are clear- if one has been sexually immoral, they are not qualified to hold license, nor to minister in a United Pentecostal Church.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Victim Blaming

Over the weekend, the Catholic Church was rocked with more upsetting news concerning the scandals involving priests molesting children. Pope Francis delivered a homily where he blamed Satan for exposing sin in the church. I rolled my eyes in disbelief as I read the pontiff’s comments.

Looking back on my own experiences and corresponding with others who went through similar ordeals, it doesn’t shock me as much as it might have a decade ago. Too often, church leaders place the blame everywhere BUT on the abuser. When a victim or concerned member voices concern or attempts to report abuse, they are quickly silenced.

How many times have we heard pastors say “touch not God’s anointed” when allegations of abuse surface? How many times are church members excoriated for “spreading gossip” or “negative communication?” I personally was admonished to simply shut up and “focus on the good, pure, and lovely things” on numerous occasions. This attitude of turning a blind eye only worsens the problem.

In another abuse survivors group, an account was shared of how a teenage girl and her family left a large church in Indiana after the senior pastor was caught taking the girl out of state for sex. This pastor even went so far as to blame the girl for leading him into sin, after he groomed and had his way with her for some time. The pastor was rightly sent to prison.

When I was a teenager in the late 1970’s, I read in history class about the great revivals that occurred in the early 20th century. Why don’t we see that now? I believe part of it is here. Until the church takes abuse victims seriously, and purges perverts from the ranks, folks will stay away from houses of worship.

Those who preach the gospel must live the gospel.

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One Woman Remembers Steven Dahl’s UPCI Connection

One would think that with all the cases that have come to light in recent years, where ministers have been caught failing to report instances of sexual abuse, that it wouldn’t be happening much today. Yet we still have ministers who think that such criminal activity should be handled behind church doors. While this series revolves around the United Pentecostal Church, I wanted to share that there is a Oneness Pentecostal church not affiliated with them that is presently in the news for two different cases of sexual abuse, with the pastor having been accused of failing to report both to police. In June 2018, Randy Allen Westmoreland, pastor of The Church of Jesus Christ, 791 Juniper Road in Valparaiso, Indiana, was hit with two misdemeanor charges of failure to report. One involves his son-in-law, Jeffrey Michael McGehee, who is accused of sexual misconduct with a male minor, vicarious sexual gratification, child solicitation and possession of child pornography. (It appears he goes by his middle name.) It was claimed that McGehee’s wife and father were aware and that similar incidents by McGehee occurred at a church in Tennessee.

The second case concerns Valerie Clabaugh, a member of Westmoreland’s church, who was charged with sexual misconduct with a minor. She had allegedly first been interested in the boy’s father, who attends a Michigan church, before becoming intimate with his son. It has been reported that not only did Westmoreland fail to report, but that some other church members knew about both situations and even advised Clabaugh not to speak with police. It was also said that a leader at the Michigan church was attempting to persuade the boy’s mother not to go to police. In doing a quick online search, there appears to be a network of Oneness Pentecostal churches called The Church of Jesus Christ, with ones readily found in Indiana, Michigan, Florida, and Tennessee. It is unknown if these cases will lead to any criminal charges in Michigan or Tennessee for failure to report.

Considering the seriousness of criminal sexual acts involving minors, I believe it should be more than a misdemeanor for a minister to fail to report and there should be no statute of limitations for it. If the person suffers additional abuse or if there are others who are harmed after they are aware of such, they should be charged with being partially responsible. Had they done what was right, the person may not have been able to continue assaulting people.

This brings me back to situations involving United Pentecostal Churches in Wisconsin. This article covers information about Steven Dahl, who allegedly molested two children in the 1980s, as well as allegations of failure to report instances of child sexual abuse by pastor John W. Grant, of Calvary Gospel United Pentecostal Church in Madison, Wisconsin. Please see prior blogs for additional details. (Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by a survivor. There have been no convictions as the case mentioned here was not reported to the police and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt.)

This is part 13 of an ongoing series.

To very briefly summarize: On December 15, 2017, Debbie McNulty started her blog and shared that in the early 1980’s, Steven J. Dahl had repeatedly sexually molested her when she was 11-12 years old. She reported this to her pastor, John W. Grant. It was never reported to police. Soon afterward, Dahl was caught in bed with his wife’s minor sister and then quickly moved (possibly out of state to Nevada). His wife eventually filed for divorce in March 1985 and when her sister Alice turned 18, he married her in April 1986 in Nevada. At some point afterward, he returned to Wisconsin, still involving himself in, and being welcomed with open arms by, United Pentecostal Churches. On April 11, 1995, Dahl started the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church [go here when the prior link doesn’t work] in Oconto.

In my previous article, I shared that Christian Life Center, located at 670 North Green Bay Road in Neenah, Wisconsin, while under the long-term pastorate of ordained minister John J. Bridges, supported Steven Dahl as the pastor of their daughter work in Oconto. (Christian Life Center years back was called Twin Cities United Pentecostal Church and is presently CrossPoint Church, with Philip Bridges being the pastor since 2011.)

Though there was undeniable evidence that the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church was considered a daughter work of the Neenah church in the 2000’s, it was unknown by me at that time how far back this affiliation went. Below you will find what one woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, remembers of her time in the Wisconsin District of the UPCI. From what she shares and what we previously reported, the affiliation between the Pentecostal Lighthouse Church and Christian Life Center went back to April 1995. There never should have been any affiliation as Dahl’s alleged sexual behavior disqualified him. How this ever was allowed to happen and continue is beyond belief. And UPCI ministers still speak at Dahl’s church in 2018.

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I verify that the following statements are true to the best of my knowledge and memory. My goal in sharing them is to inform others of what I feel is important for them to know, as it was important to me. If I had the choice to have been informed of similar testimony at an earlier time, I would have appreciated it. I feel I need to speak out as I feel strongly that the survivors have a right and a responsibility to tell their stories, to prevent future occurrence, as well as to inform people of the truth behind those who they may not be aware committed these acts. I state clearly though, this is my own story, and my own opinions.

Around August of 1995, I had recently turned 18 and had gotten married. I had a son at the age of 15, and was still with his father. Prior to that, at a younger age, I had heard of the Holy Ghost in bits and pieces from evangelic based believers, and then through a few church services I attended with a friend, whose older sister attended a small United Pentecostal International church in Monroe, WI. The main and only thing I really knew was that speaking in tongues was a sign of the Holy Ghost and not much else. I stopped going to that church after a youth group meeting one evening because they played a kind of trivia game where you had to know a lot of bible verses, and I did not. I was embarrassed and didn’t want to go after that. When I think back, I completely see now how I was in fact targeted for not being raised in the church, but that’s a different story. However, I would say I do not feel that I was abused in any way there, nor did I see anyone abused. It was no different than ways I had been targeted by teachers in the public school I attended.

Anyway, back to 1995. One day a neighbor knocked on my door and asked if I knew of the Holy Ghost and I said yes. Eventually that lead to starting a Bible study with that same neighbor, his wife, and my husband. Then we went to a different UPCI church in Madison, WI named Calvary Gospel Church, which at that time was run by Pastor John Grant Sr. who was also the District Superintendent of all UPCI churches in WI. I received the Holy Ghost there, and I began to change my life into more of a “Christian” lifestyle. I was considered a new convert, my husband occasionally attended, my son who was still very young attended one Thursday evening service as well, and two Sunday services every week. I also continued attending Bible studies at my home or other homes. The UPCI churches in WI also have many other meetings of various sorts. For instance, youth service, family camps, music ministry, church picnics, etc. One thing they did at that time was have a prayer conference in Milwaukee, WI that was up to three days long, and one night I decided to attend with the same neighbors who introduced me to the church.

Now by that time I had learned quite a bit from them and others. I had a pretty good knowledge of what the church counted as holiness standards. This included such things as woman dressing “modestly” by wearing skirts below the knees, nothing too form fitting, sleeves no shorter than a few inches above the elbow, not cutting your hair, no low-cut tops where you could see cleavage, etc. I did have a good time at the prayer conference, but one thing that stood out to me very obviously was that the humongous choir that sang had several women who had makeup and low-cut tops, and other slight differences in appearance compared to what I was told was allowed on stage in the UPCI. So, on the trip home I asked my trusted neighbors this. It was a common occurrence for me to ask them questions riding to and from church and they always answered me.

Please understand that this conversation took place long ago, and I do not recall all the details. What I do recall is them answering me that the choir that sang was from a church that wasn’t still in the UPCI and that their holiness standards were a bit different. What I do recall that they never bothered to say, was that one of the main leaders (Brother Dahl) at that time involved heavily in leadership in that church, had previously attended the Madison church and was a leader in a lot of the involvement with youth. Now, I do not know if they knew what he had done that got him removed, but I do feel that they should have made that clear to me right away if they even had suspicion of him, and that they knew to do so which I will explain a bit later.

Now I am going to skip ahead a bit. I stayed involved and as an active member of that same church for four to five years. When I decided to leave it was for several reasons but the main one being, I was very active in the choir, and I started to feel very hypocritical because at home my marriage was falling apart. I know that the church is against divorce, so I knew I wouldn’t be accepted the same way by my church family there if I decided to leave my husband. I separated from my husband and just stopped going to church. I still carried a sincere love for the people there and counted Pastor Grant as the most honest Christian man I knew. I felt heavy guilt all on my own about leaving the church, but for many years I still refused to say it was any sort of cult, and that they did nothing but preach from the oldest English copy of the Bible, and just counted myself “backslidden”. My then ex-husband continued to attend off and on with my then three children, and I fully trusted everyone that I knew there with them. I still felt it was a place where they could be safe.

Moving on, it has been over 15 years since I left that church and rarely went back. I have been a user of social platform finding people I knew, and meeting new people as well for about 10 years now. Some of the people on my contact lists are people who do still attend Calvary Gospel Church in Madison, and some even just attend a UPCI church. The neighbors that I said brought me in, the husband is one of them. I also notice that Steve Dahl is on one of the social platforms and he is a friend of my same neighbor that brought me in, in fact they even talk on the news feed regularly and joke around. So, this is not the relationship of someone that my friend doesn’t know. It is VERY apparent they knew and know him well.

To keep others in confidence, I will only say that I began finding in the last couple of years, serious, personal, criminal, stories beginning to emerge about religious groups, and then later specifically about the UPCI worldwide, and then specifically about Calvary Gospel Church, and then about Steve Dahl. This became more and more personal very quickly. Now, let me be frank here, I am quite aware that nearly every church organization, and even just individual human beings, have flaws. I am not blind to the evils of the world. I am however also very firm about justice being served, protecting my children, and honesty. One thing is for sure, I used to think that the UPCI church organization always would preach that to lie is a sin, that even hiding the truth is a sin. One reason I know this, and trusted Pastor Grant, was because when anything would happen that was simply too non-biblical to ignore, such as adultery, there would be consequences and you would be held accountable for it. During my time there, one licensed minister lost his license and was persuaded to confess to the entire church (adults only) that he had committed adultery. In summary, I trusted his decisions.

So, after learning that the main leader of the church I attended, as well as the church that my children attended, had allegedly mishandled allegations of child molestation (a girl under the age of 13) and not reported the accusation to authorities, or possibly even neglected to inform the entire church or leaders, I was worried, upset, and very angry. From that, I also learned that not just one but many girls in the church, some of whom I even knew or know, had been sexually harassed, and emotionally abused. Even now, there is a strong possibility that these were only a few of the many who experienced these things. I immediately contacted those I did have as contacts whom I knew had or even still attended the UPCI church, telling them specifically of what I had heard about Dahl, with the main intent of informing them. My ex-husband contacted me, and my children also did and they know nothing about it, and have no bad experience which I am thankful for. I am happy for that, but very unhappy that the unknown risk was there in the first place.

As for the rest, not even one of them answered outside of the original source and those who already knew. They answered me many other times on various other things completely unrelated to this. So, the question remains, why wouldn’t they answer if there’s nothing to hide? Not even a simple, “I am sorry, but I don’t know anything about this”. If I say, “Happy Easter” they say it back, when I asked quite recently about a woman who passed away they responded with no issue. If I was still in the church, and I heard this, I would at least respond that I don’t know. I don’t know why the church or its members have decided not to respond. I do know that a few have responded negatively elsewhere and there is evidence of such that I have seen. Though this is not my entire story about my experience with the UPCI, I felt it vital to relay this specific information. I have hopes that it encourages people, specifically the abused, to stand up and tell their story no matter who it implicates. I hope that they know there are people like me who do believe them even if we weren’t there, people who do feel punishment is due to those who committed the acts, and people who are willing to stand with you and tell the truth of what they do know. No, I’m not encouraging playing a victim, I am not encouraging reliving the experiences, but I am encouraging sharing knowledge, lifelong healing, prevention, and standing for justice. Thank you for reading.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

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Harmed In That Cesspool Of Awfulness Part 5

When one has been exposed to spiritual abuse, great harm can be done. While some escape with minimal or no injury, most do not leave unscathed. Those who are particularly harmed are the men and women who were sexually abused, and making that even worse for them, is when a church/minister covers it up and the perpetrator faces no real consequences. By failing to report these to police, I believe these ministers are partially responsible for those who are later assaulted. The stories of sexual abuse are especially heartbreaking as the survivors are forever changed. You will notice that this installment in the series has a different title and it is taken from a woman’s comment that is seen below. I saved these for last due to the nature of their experiences and because this is a lead-in back to my earlier series on the United Pentecostal Church And Sexual Abuse.

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. I received enough responses to make five blogs. [See also Part One, Part Two, Part Three and Part Four.] These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation and emoticons have been removed. Each person is separated between using and not using quotation marks. Note: In the second story, some statements that are included were made in further discussion after the initial statement. These are noted by brackets and placed inside the original statement so that it flows better as compared to adding them all afterward.

Oh how can I even put down every time they hurt me… every time I wasn’t good enough, every time I was shunned. Ministry kicked me many times while I was down, told me to stay away from people. I was kicked out of a UPC Bible college for kissing, lol. I was raped and then threatened by ministry to keep it quiet, because they wouldn’t back me. When I went back to Bible school in the states, as soon as I made the decision to leave, a minister taught a class on how much of an adulteress I was, while one of my friends defended me then [was] kicked to the streets while trying to get the remainder of my belongings. They were afraid of my influence. Then when I left UPC, I had emails telling me how I wasn’t leaving due to theology issues but my heart and how corrupt it was. Other than all of that, the control, the dictatorship and the abuse. The many times I didn’t line up because my hair wasn’t right or my skirt long enough. I have found forgiveness, I have healed a great deal… but these scars will never be able to go away because they are a part of me… they are now who I am. And I have no doubt someone UPC would read this and cast blame on me… perhaps I should have been a better Christian.

Wow. Loaded question. This would take a book.

My parents started going when I was in 3rd grade. My mom was mentally unstable and the UPC gave her a place to hide. I firmly believe that she would never have gotten away with her behaviors if she had lived in “normal” society. So that just set us up for more vulnerability.

I was targeted by an older man, my Sunday school teacher, and was raped by him at 14. He had been sexually assaulting me since the month I turned 12. I was threatened, verbally and psychologically abused by him for years. His friend (who I’m convinced these guys were all there to prey on younger girls), also stuck his hand up my dress/underwear and wouldn’t remove it. When the pastor found out, I was told it would make the church look bad and threatened that I’d get kicked out of the church school. (Which is another point of contention – the lousy education I received.)

Things only got worse. I was kinda forced into marrying my abuser, who was 17 years older than me. I took one for “team UPC.” They got rid of their child molester by marrying him off. Or they thought – because you can’t pray that away.

Needless to say, that marriage was a disaster. He was a “minister,” who couldn’t hold a job, liked porn and young girls, and was a wreck. I finally left, and the church treated me like garbage. I was shunned by everyone. [When I was trying to leave, he drug me up by the baptismal, and yelled at me, asking if I wanted my teeth rearranged, and then punched the wall next to my face. Not a single soul in that church did anything. They all viewed it as “righteous anger” and I was backsliding so I must’ve deserved it.] The pastor told me not to “rock the boat,” among other things, to “encourage” me never to tell, and boom, next thing I knew I was a lesbian, on drugs, had cheated, you name it, they made up rumors about me. [I could go on. Ha. But the control they had over me, the manipulation, the way I was beat down and taken advantage of, is shocking.]

[Sadly, I was not the only one. Our pastor knew of many cases of sexual abuse and only threatened the victims with silence. Never did anything to the perpetrators. It was rampant there. The church’s methods were awful. Truly deeply harmful.

Thankfully I ran. Oh, I’m so happy I left that cesspool of awfulness.

I imagine that my experiences are extreme but it is my experience. My UPC pastor did not report the sexual abuse that I reported to him when I was a child. Not only was it not reported, but many people from the organization still associate with my abuser. I feel that the church I attended did not care about Christ’s general message. When my family was hungry no one helped us. When we didn’t have electricity no one helped us. Your importance within the congregation was directly associated with how much money you gave. I also feel that my self-confidence was damaged because of the way that our church talked and taught about women. I could list many many many more things but we would be here all day.

…I have suffered a lifetime of trauma due to the sermons and teachings around the devil, hell, and the rapture. That is the primary cause of my PTSD.

I feel like my situation was likely more extreme. The Wisconsin UPC in general is pretty messed up but I lucked out with the pastor who was obsessed with unpardonable sins and had the most bitter woman as a wife.

One of my first memories of the UPC is an adult male church member giving me quarters to sit on his lap. This is beyond not normal/appropriate.

I’ve talked about the anxiety, fear, depression I experienced due to the sermons I was exposed to. My best friend in the UPC was raped by her own brother (also UPC) and he also used to be inappropriate with me…not rape but still not remotely OK. There was a heavy layer of sexual inappropriateness in that church….way beyond normal teen hormones. I remember senior guys in the k-12 school we attended teasing me about being flat chested and they’d lift up our skirts and thought it was funny. I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time.

The pastor dealt with all this because we keep things in the church.

We’d have to kneel in front of the pastor’s wife and if our school uniform skirts didn’t hit the ground we were sent home.

The pastor’s son was/is mentally ill and is now in his 70’s. He used to corner us in the church basement and ask us out when we were around 15. He was well into his late 40’s at that point. He continues to harass young girls to this day and the excuse is “It’s just Michael being Michael.”

These are just a few small examples from my childhood.

I feel like we’ve been hit in every area. Our situation isn’t as tragic as many others, but it has certainly messed with us. Spiritually: I feel like we are in limbo. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I know we have deep grooves in our brain that lead us back to what we’d been indoctrinated with, and fighting our way out of those grooves has been hard. Learning to think outside of the UPC box has been challenging, but we are getting there. I am afraid to trust any “spiritual leader” or walk into a church.

Emotionally: There are so many “triggers“… when I think of anything UPC I cringe. When I think of friends who shunned us because we moved from one church to another when we moved an hour away, I feel abandoned. When I think of the pastors who manipulated us in so many ways, I feel disgust and anger. When I think of people who are still in the UPC and not realizing what is going on, I feel sorry for them. When I think about raising our kids in that environment, I feel guilt. When I think about how judgmental we were, I feel shame. When I look in the mirror I am embarrassed and disgusted. When I think about all the money we sacrificed to the UPC, I feel regret. On and on. It sounds like I’m a mess, and honestly, I’ve never been happier or felt more freedom, but when I am trying to deal with what we’ve been through, all these feeling start to swirl. I know they will decrease in time, and in fact, they are becoming less frequent and intense, but it’s still draining.

Physically: Up until we got into the UPC when I was 27, I was physically active and fit. I water skied, para-sailed, fished, camped, played softball, did Jazzercise, played racquetball, swam, hiked, wore a size 8 or 10 and felt OK about myself. After I got in the UPC and started dressing like a bag, not being active, eating more, spending less time outside, I became overweight. There are other reasons that play into that, too, but much of it is because I just quit doing things I loved. My self esteem is at about zero. I’ve recently reconnected with high school friends, who of course I didn’t spend time with while in the church unless they were interesting in converting. So many of them want to get together, but I’m so ashamed of how I look I can’t face them. I just want to crawl in a hole or starve myself until I am presentable. I hate the clothes I wear. I feel like I stand out with these nasty skirts and t shirts. I can’t wait to change my wardrobe…and it’s coming, but I’ve not yet been able to buy new clothes or feel good about any pants I’ve tried on. It’s coming along, though.

Financially: We totally supported the church with our tithes and sacrificial giving. We have never had extra money, and it took so much self discipline to always give 10% plus another 5 and sometimes10% more! We went without many things. That doesn’t bother me, but what does bother me is how it affected the kids. It was hard on them to see their friends with spending money or new clothes, and they had very little. We weren’t poor, but we were tight all the time. And then to see the pastor and his family living in luxury, being given lavish gifts, vacations, cars, boats, new home, etc. really hurts. It hurts because it’s all at the expense of the people who are living without so they can give to the church. We figured it out and the money that we’ve given to the church could have paid off our house, our car and allowed us to have a savings. Instead [my husband] is working two jobs and I’m making bars of soap to sell in order to make ends meet. It’s just wrong. Why were we so gullible!? Why didn’t [we] see what was going on years and years ago? Regret.

Family: Our family has been damaged. My daughter was preyed upon by an older, married man, and was seduced by him, married him after he divorced his wife, and then was abused by him for 15 years. We were told by the pastor that the person who did this to our daughter would be reported to the police, (before they got married and all that came after), but we recently found out it never was. That’s another story, but my point is, this hurt our family. All three of the kids lost their youth. Their education was lacking. They were not active in community. They didn’t have friends outside the church. We didn’t go on vacations because we didn’t have money and wouldn’t miss church. We always put church first and missed many family milestones, get togethers and events. I know our families resented it and all the while we were holding our noses in the air thinking we were super Christians for doing it. Putrid! I can’t think of any area in our life that wasn’t affected or harmed by being a part of the cult. It will take time, but we will recover and continue to live in freedom! I look forward to what is left of our future.

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