Category: questioning | Page 6 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The sacred cows of Pentecost

According to Wiktionary, a sacred cow is something that can’t “be tampered with, or criticized, for fear of public outcry. A person, institution, belief system, etc. which, for no reason other than the demands of established social etiquette or popular opinion, should be accorded respect or reverence, and not touched, handled or examined too closely.”

There were herds of sacred cows in my former church, things that I think most people knew made no sense, but that no one would question, things like:

Praying an hour, because there was a song that said “Sweet hour of prayer.” Nothing in the Bible, and most of the congregation had never even heard the whole song. They certainly never sang it at my former church. It was too slow.
Women not wearing pants because of a verse in Deuteronomy that talks about women not wearing “that which pertaineth to a man.” Why this means pants specifically and not t-shirts, denim, suit jackets, etc, which all began as things men wore is never discussed, or if it is, it is shrugged away by saying that those don’t change the profile. The same people argue that a woman can’t wear a fly in her skirt because if she’s walking behind something and people can only see from hip and up it might look like she’s wearing pants. But that fly doesn’t change the profile.
Going to church multiple times a week because “the Bible says forsake not the assembling of yourselves together.” The Bible never says that people should assemble repeatedly during the week until they are exhausted or even though they are sick.
People should not wear jewelry, because the Bible says not to wear gold or jewels or costly array. In what universe does this mean your daughter can’t wear toy plastic beads around her neck but you can wear a $300 outfit?
Women shouldn’t wear makeup because Jezebel did. Not everything wicked people do is wicked. In the same verse she arranged her hair and looked out a window. Of the three, only makeup is preached against. (And for that matter, she only put on eye makeup… not lip gloss or blush, much less concealer or nail polish.)

There were many more. Herds of sacred cows. Cows so sacred that people did all sorts of strange things to avoid not only touching them but even looking at them. There were people who wouldn’t buy watches because they were sold in the jewelry section. Most women would flinch if they accidentally touched a pair of pants on a sales rack. People would go to church sick, and others would report each other for wearing chapstick. (“It looked PINK!”) Those sacred cows… there were way too many. Dare to ask the simple question “Why?” and you could be labeled or ostracized. It wasn’t even popular opinion that made them untouchable. Sometimes it was pastor’s opinion, and sometimes it was group think.

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Don’t dare ask questions!

In the sect that I was in until age 33, no questions were allowed to be asked that might threaten the tight religious control or their very narrow worldview. People of true and secure faith are not afraid of questions. But they were afraid. I was a naturally inquisitive and deep-thinking child. A true introvert. I had existential crisies – that was the type of anxious child I was. Therefore in this environment I grew more and more anxious and isolated because no adult would answer my questions, and they shamed me for even thinking them. I know now that the adults were afraid of my questions because they could not answer them or dare face their own doubts. Though they never admitted that they did not have answers. Some of the questions I had the courage to re-ask at about age 35, once I had left the control and the system of fear. Even then I didn’t get answers or an open dialogue. No conversation allowed.

Some examples of questions I would ask:
Where is heaven?
Why can we not adopt children from outside the sect? Why do you say that they are the devil’s children?
Why are we on this earth? What is the point of life?
How can Jesus hear me pray?
What will God do with hermaphrodites, who have both sexual organs? Will they burn in hell if they choose to be the sex that God didn’t intend?
If we will be in heaven with other Christians, then why cannot we socialize with them now?
Why does God only answer the prayers of the 1000 people in our particular group?
What about the books that never made it into the Bible?
Why can I not attend religious studies class at school? Why do I have to sit outside the classroom?
Why can I not attend the large school gatherings where a visiting pastor will say the Lord’s prayer? The other children in my class make fun of me for not believing in God, but I tell them that I do believe in God – which is why I cannot hear the Lord’s prayer being spoken by a pastor who doesn’t belong to my church. (I was very very confused about this one!)
If you think all Muslims will burn in the lake of fire eternally then why do you not attempt to evangelise to those Muslims you know? Do you not care that they will be tormented eternally?
Why would God, who is in essence love, create humans who he knows beforehand will spend eternity in hell? Why doesn’t he just stop them being born?
How do I know Christianity is true? What evidence is there?

I understand that many adults don’t have all the answers to these questions – I don’t either – but it was their reaction that was shaming. I was “bad” for asking. I was “bad” for having a mind of my own, for thinking critically. They didn’t say “oh, I’m not really sure” and discuss various options and answers, they blushed, and scoffed, and grunted, and left the room.

I lived with a deep shame until my late thirties because I thought there was something wrong with me for asking these questions. I had existential depression. I didn’t want to be alive. I was “bad”. Something was gravely wrong with me. I learned to be quiet and not ask questions. To follow blindly and to conform in silence.

About 6 months after I left the sect I had the courage to turn on the Christian radio station in our city (radio was Satan’s tool) and there was somebody doing a talk show from a Christian university who said that it is normal for people in their teens and twenties to question the faith of their parents and ask questions. He said they have counselors to help with this and to walk through all kinds of questions. I was driving on the highway at the time and almost swerved my vehicle in shock, and disbelief, and relief – I wasn’t a monster after all! A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. The lie that I was deeply defective started to subside. Often the parents’ shame and fear become the child’s and so the cycle continues. What a waste.

Why would God give us minds that are capable of thinking and reasoning if we are supposed to be “robots” who follow blindly and take everything at face value? Even when it goes against our God-given conscience? In fact, I think that doubt is a healthy part of faith – and can very often lead us into a deeper and more genuine faith. Actually, it was my keen and analytical mind that got me out of the sect – while all of my family members remain in – their refusal to entertain my questions didn’t work in the long run! I’m free!

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Abuse: Not the Only Reason to Take a Church Sabbatical

It’s very easy to understand why someone would take a sabbatical, so to speak, from church attendance when there’s spiritual abuse. However, what about situations without abuse where you just feel the need to take some time off? Are you being wrong or selfish to do so?

First, let’s look at just a few situations that may arise where people may decide to take a break from church:

A family member’s illness or similar situation – This should go without saying, but many people still feel like they’re doing something wrong by tending to a loved one in need. As a very good clergy friend once told a family member handling nursery duty – her place was with her loved one and the church could adjust until things improved.
Job circumstances – It would be nice to think that everyone would have Sundays off, but I know from experience this is not something to count on unless you only work Mondays through Fridays. Since most of us do have to work, it is unreasonable to feel guilty because you sometimes need to work Sundays.
Sometimes, especially in a smaller congregation, people can get too burned out with volunteerism. I’ve seen this happen to others in a way that the burnout literally snuck up on them, especially where the laity sometimes have to assume a worship/liturgical leadership role in the absence of clergy. Taking some time off services or scaling back volunteering can provide you with the “recharge” you need.

Another situation that might occur is feeling as though your gifts and talents aren’t being put to full use in your present setting. It should never be assumed that just because someone is a member of Demographic Group X they are a perfect fit for Ministry Y. Taking some time off can be a good way to decide whether you want to continue on your present path or not.

Based on what I’ve heard from others who have switched congregations, here are a few things to consider:

Make sure you’ve visited any congregations under consideration several times before making a final choice, including special events, ordinary Sundays and low attendance times, like school break
Don’t commit to getting involved with ministries or joining right away – such decisions made in haste may not be good ones
Avoid getting caught up in emotion and jumping right in too fast just because the service inspires you in some way – a worship experience should appeal to more than your emotional side

Just a few thoughts for everyone to consider…

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Five Different Experiences….One Result Pt 1

Part 1 of 4.

So many times I heard the only way to be saved was by following Acts 2:38 (“Then Peter said to them, ‘Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.'”) Jesus gave Peter the keys of the kingdom and said upon this rock I will build my church (Matthew 16:13-19).

The United Pentecostal Church taught we were to follow what Peter preached on the Day of Pentecost and not what Jesus said in Matthew 28:19: “And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, ‘All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.’ Amen.”

My grandfather and his family were saved during a Pentecostal tent revival in 1917 and he married a sweet Baptist girl, my grandmother, in 1928 and the big debate of Acts 2:38 and Matthew 28:19 began in our family.

Now my grandmother converted to Pentecostalism and became indoctrinated quickly and prayed for her family to follow in the Pentecostal ways. Problems began with my mother who rebelled against the church and its teaching at age 17 and married my father when she was 18. The marriage didn’t last long and they divorced when I was four and my brother was 14 weeks old. We moved in with my grandparents and were once again under the influence of Pentecostalism.

Thus began my many years of questioning the faith and much confusion because I really did want to live for God but I just couldn’t understand all the rules and of course the teachings of “We have the truth and everybody else was doomed to hell”. That always made me sad to think of my friends and family going to hell because they didn’t want to obey “The Truth”.

Although God desires for us to live in unity. “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” (Psalms‬ ‭133:1‬ ‭NKJV‬‬). There is no unity with other denominations and UPC, nor is their unity within families.

‭‭So I began asking questions…a lot of questions and instead of answers I received rebuke. Instead of being satisfied with the UPC view of “The Truth” I studied the scriptures and commentaries. This article came from a research paper that I gave to my husband before he abandoned me and the church….I always felt it was my fault because I must have pushed too hard when all I really wanted to know was the truth for myself and not just accept the preaching and teaching of an organization. Some of the references and writing have been updated.

Part 2

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Leaving (pt 2)

Continued from here.

When I left my former group, I needed a place to talk through things with people who would understand, and found three groups that seemed to. They were very different. One announced personal information about me, which scared me. The other two asked for personal information, but didn’t share it with their groups. Yet they had it, and I was afraid they could use it against me if they wanted. There were two other things that scared me, though. The first was that one group pressured me to change my beliefs about things that were fundamental to the doctrine of the group I left and another seemed to hold to those beliefs. The second was how harsh the groups all seemed toward either beliefs or people within my former group.

It’s scary to leave a group. To hear people saying things against that group when you’ve been taught never to say ANYTHING even remotely negative about the group can be frightening. To hear that group called a cult or heretics, to hear the standards discussed as false doctrine, and to even see people making decisions to not believe in God at all, blaming the group for their disbelief–those things can be terrifying.

In the end, I left two groups. The first I left because they were so very negative and hateful toward my former group. They weren’t simply upset with the people who had hurt them, but with everyone who wore the label “Pentecostal.” They stereotyped all Pentecostals as bad, as hypocritical and abusive among other things. The second repeatedly made extremely derisive comments toward those in their former groups in what I thought was an angry, bitter way. I tried to divert those comments to more positive thoughts, but it didn’t work. I discussed this and how it upset me with the group leader on a couple occasions… and was removed from the group after the last discussion. I wasn’t told I was being removed. I just suddenly didn’t have access anymore.

Each group actually helped me in it’s own way. At least one helped me learn what I did NOT want to become. Two encouraged me to think for myself, but one also reminded me very much of my unhealthy church in the end, because when I pressed for changes to control the more extreme negatives, I was removed. Even so, I still learned from it. One of the things I learned was that I was my own person and that I could and would stand for what I believed to be right, even if it went against leadership… and even if it meant being censured for it. In time, I learned that it was the right decision, even though it hurt at the time, just like leaving my former church did. And eight years later I’m still a part of the final group.

I see people come and go from groups now and it bothers me some. I wonder if I’ve said anything wrong or if there was something more I should have said. I’ve seen responses from others that ranged from sadness to what seemed to me to border on “good riddance” and reminded me very much of the response of the church I left. In reality, I don’t know what anyone’s intent is in their response. They could laugh because they’re sad or scared themselves. They could shrug it off because they are bothered when people leave or because they are reacting to another interaction with that person.

In all, the people in the groups I’m part of seem healthy and are willing to do so much to help others. There are times that discussions get negative, but not hatefully or bitterly so, and not in an attacking way for the most part. When I see a post that seems to be hateful, bitter, attacking, labeling or stereotyping, it’s quite often either not intended that way or is by someone who is just leaving or who simply needs to vent. And I’ve learned, in time, to be patient.

When I first left the unhealthy church, I went through a time where I didn’t want to leave and wanted to run every time a group seemed to oppose the unhealthy group. Then, I went through a time where I wanted to leave any group where anything “bad” might be said or done. Eventually, I learned that I could ignore some things, take a break for a few days, or even hide certain types of posts, either dealing with them once I felt ready or never. Mainly, I discovered that I had a choice, and that being part of a healthy group didn’t mean I had to agree completely with everyone in that group. I didn’t even have to agree at all. But more important, I learned that even if I didn’t agree, I could still love. I didn’t have to leave.

That has been well worth learning.

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