Category: questioning | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Blindsided: The First Warning Signs

According to Psych Central, “abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are ‘walking on eggshells’ all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. [We are] talking about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.”

Spiritual abuse, commonly played-out through any combination of physical, psychological and sexual abuse, is no different, other than that is usually hidden further under the guises of blindly following, never questioning, and certainly never criticizing the man of God. In our case, it took our family-life being turned upside down to finally realize that our church had changed into a toxic, spiritually abusive environment.

The Mass Exodus

Around the time of the church meeting about the pastor and his family, a mass exodus of approximately forty people began. Imagine a family that loved the Lord so much that they completely uprooted their family and moved six-hundred miles south for a Bible Institute. Not only did the Crawfords [name changed for privacy] become heavily involved in multiple ministries, but they were instrumental in organizing and beginning the greeter’s ministry, only to suddenly disappear. But people leave churches for different reasons, though, right? Surely, the head of security can become disgruntled too and decide his family needs to move on. Besides, his family only came from several states away, by faith, without any assurance of a steady income or place to live. It was only a few other families, including one who was close-knit with the pastor’s family, particularly the pastor’s wife. The number of people leaving around the same time was bewildering, but it really hit home when one of the youth leaders and his family said that that Sunday was their last service at Antioch Baptist Church. Every family that left was a pillar in our church, not only in ministerial involvement, but as people that truly loved the Lord, loved His people, and simply desired to please the Lord above all else. They were walking examples of compassion and of what God can do with lives that are sold out to Him.

But after losing about a third of our members within a few months’ time, our church was hurting. One could sense the pain, feeling the wounds and the bruises as if they were physically affixed to the auditorium walls. Still yet, we banded together and pressed forward. I tried to encourage the pastor and pastor’s wife, despite having a newborn to care for, but it seemed like they needed space more than anything. My family was struggling as well, just in a different way. It seemed that every time we got close to a family and started to develop a friendship, they left for one reason or another, but, thankfully, we managed to keep in contact with a few of them after they left.

Growing Tension

Following a visit with one family, whom, for their privacy, we will call the Martins, and after posting pictures of our children together online as well as with their new pet snake, the narcissistic man under the pastor, Douglas Stauffer, commented several times in passing that he noticed I spent time with a “snake.” Back when we first inquired of Pastor Andrew Ray if the Martins were all right and if they were still here, he confirmed they were no longer members, but also stated clearly that they did nothing worthy of having their membership removed. Despite this, when people found out we were still fellowshipping with them and any other families that left, it created a tension that could be cut with a knife. Nevertheless, we continued to move forward because people leave churches frequently for various reasons, and hurt feelings are a common part of the process. Over the next several months, still clueless of the situations that occurred, we attended regularly, served where we could with a newborn in tow, and tried to deepen friendships while hopefully developing other ones. Who were we to judge on either side?

Still, however, when the last two large families left, I had a sinking feeling that something could be terribly wrong. I pushed it out of the way for the time being because arguments happen between families, but I had previously witnessed the pastor’s family treating one of the William’s daughters [name changed for privacy] like last-year’s trash even though she absolutely adored them. Maybe her parents finally had enough and needed a new start. We did not know any details, but it still did not keep us out of the drama within the gossip-ridden inner circle.

Christmas Gift for the Pastor’s Family

Shortly before Christmas time, a dilemma came up in conversation within the walls of the nursery: no one was taking care of organizing the annual monetary Christmas gift to the pastor’s family and the pastor’s wife was distraught. The families who usually made sure everything went smoothly had either left, were overloaded at the church in order to compensate for the workers we had lost, or they had recently welcomed new children into their families. Now, on top of trying to throw together the last-minute details of a party/fellowship because of a lack of response to the emails, no one took charge of collecting the money for the pastor’s family! According to the pastor’s wife, Mrs. Ray, her family counted on this gift every year to buy Christmas gifts for their children, and there were people that would be extremely disgruntled that they did not know how to give. My husband enthusiastically and willingly stepped up to the plate, offering to organize the annual giving in the years to come. I have yet to fully understand why this still bothers me so much, but it was another red flag that priorities and focus may have been misplaced.

The Pastor’s Paranoia of Criticism

Around the time of Pastor Andrew Ray’s fortieth birthday, the church planned a celebration with caution tape, caution hats, and decorations supporting the warning of our pastor becoming an old man. Everyone was taking pictures, but there was rumor that none of the pictures of pastor were to be posted online, despite numerous pictures being permitted in the past. I approached Pastor Ray to ask him directly, to make sure that it would not be problem, and his response was that they have a lot of critics right now who will find fault in anything. They did not want to give them any ammunition.

Around the same time, he began to post strong statements and opinions on his Facebook for all to see, but as soon as there was any question or objection, he seemed to take them as personal attacks. A disagreement about if children should be encouraged to go to college resulted in several husbands (mine included) being tagged in the post and quickly ended. Previously, he always encouraged discussion and differences of opinion, but now, any variance appeared to be taken personally.

Just one example of such public statements online is about criticism: “Criticizing one who is responsible to God for a decision is easy when you are not the one responsible to God for the decision.” While accurate, it conveys the idea that one should never question the pastor or disagree with his actions because he supposedly has this high calling of God. We are all individually accountable to God for our actions, and how we respond to others and the Holy Spirit.

A Single Statement

Near the beginning of the following year, when meeting with the pastor about something completely unrelated to the mass exodus, Pastor Ray made a comment that sent off instant red flags in my mind. He talked about men who came to Antioch Baptist Church, sold-out to God and were sure that this is where God wanted them and their family. Upon bringing their families, however, their wives have issues with the Biblical teachings of submission, and they would pull their husbands away from where God was leading them. I could not shake the idea that he was likely referring to the precious family from the north, the Crawfords [name changed for privacy], who had come down here for the Bible Institute. Mrs. Crawford, a sweet, gentle Christian mother, was an extrovert and an independent woman, traits frowned upon in a church that feels threatened by women. This is the point where I finally started to have doubts about the health of the church my family had called home for four years, because a woman is more than a mindless doormat that is only capable of manipulating and leading her husband astray from God. I later found out, however, that people were already questioning our loyalty because of continuing to fellowship with the families that left.

“Howard Hendricks says there are two kinds of people in the church: the pillars and the caterpillars. The pillars uphold the church with their prayers, their work, and their donations. They build the kingdom of God by the sweat of their brows. The caterpillars crawl in on Sunday morning, sing a few songs, listen to a sermon, and crawl out again, not to be seen for a week.’ From Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow, page 18.”- Posted on Andrew Ray’s Facebook wall in April of 2018

Feuerman, Marni. “21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.” World of Psychology, 8 July 2018, https://web.archive.org/web/20180202070321/https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Circumcising the Critics- Sermon #1” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 2

We have people occasionally ask us what to do if their child or loved one has started attending a church they believe is unhealthy or could even be a cult. The information they seek – literature, evidence, facts – that they can give their loved one isn’t often what will be most effective in helping their loved one. It can be very helpful for concerned family and friends to KNOW the facts and to read the literature themselves. And the person who is concerned about their friend or family member will see through the indoctrination and the misinterpreted verses, because they are looking for the error and are not blinded by the emotion, the excitement, the love bombing, and so forth. However, it must be understood that when the unhealthy group presents information to their loved one, they are often doing so very subtly. They don’t walk up to someone and invite them to church saying “You need to come to our church where you’ll be told how to dress and what to think.” And no matter what evidence is provided to them, they will be told not to be concerned, or that those questions can be addressed later, or will be given other information that sounds right.

My parents handed me literature and let me know they disagreed with my choices without any real dialogue and already showing they disliked what the United Pentecostal Church taught without having heard too much. The church sat down, read through their literature with me, and let me ask questions as a newbie. They maintained a facade of openness to considering other perspectives. They would tell me I could believe what I wanted, but they loved me and wanted me to be able to choose what to believe, that there were things in the Bible most people weren’t familiar with and they wanted me to be aware of those things so I could decide for myself. Who do you think I gravitated to? Who do you think I felt was more respectful and caring?

No matter how much concern and respect loved ones show to the one interested in an unhealthy group or cult, that person will either perceive one of two things: they will become convinced that their family are interested in joining, too, or they will believe their family or friends are trying to “pull them out” of something that they are interested in. They may have been told that people will come out of the woodwork to tell them they’re wrong, they may be teaching your loved one songs that appeal to a feeling of secret knowledge and pride, and may be showing and telling the loved one that they respect whatever his or her decisions are.

If you are a friend or family member or loved one of someone who has expressed interest in an unhealthy church or cult, remember, when you’re up against all of the above, it can be easy for unhealthy people in the new group to make you LOOK wrong in various ways, and to basically silence your voice. BUT remember they cannot argue against your unconditional love, your respect for him as an individual who can (and will) make his/her own decisions, or your willingness to listen and ask simple but good questions based on your studies. Articles won’t win him. But you have much better ways to fight this.

Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 1

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Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 1

We get questions sometimes as to what parents should do if their child has started attending a church they think is unhealthy. These parents mean well, but often their questions revolve around finding literature to prove their child is wrong or their child’s new church is wrong. They believe that by presenting their loved one with this information, they can stop them from attending or from joining. They think that giving them information will stop their child from doing what they disagree with. Unfortunately I have never heard of a single instance of this working.

If you are the parent or a family member or a friend of someone who has started attending an unhealthy church, consider this: At what point have you ever convinced anyone that you were right by handing them some articles or telling them what you think? Now, how many times have you read a friend’s posts on Facebook or heard them repeatedly vent on a topic that was sensitive to you that made you think “Oh, wow, they are absolutely right!” rather than thinking “How rude!?!” or simply walking away in frustration?

Presenting information, no mater how good, how qualified, how abundant, isn’t likely to change your child’s, your friend’s, or your loved one’s mind about the church they are considering or has started attending. That’s not to say there’s not hope, but sharing articles and other literature doesn’t do even the smallest fraction of what listening and inserting informed but semi-neutral questions in the right places will. This won’t be easy, but it is much more likely to either be well received immediately or at least leave communication open so that when they do start asking questions at some point, they can come to you.

Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 2

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The value of disbelief

Questions. Doubts. We were taught they were bad. Thomas doubted. Doubt is the opposite of faith. It’s unbelief. We must have faith. Whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

Questions were feared. Push them down. Silence them. Drown them out. They’re just the devil.

In reality, those questions were what saved me. My doubts, my questions, my disbelief were the things that brought me to a point of walking out, finally, from an unhealthy situation. I was taught doubt was bad. I doubted. I doubted the pastor who called himself the Man of God but who flew into rages and rants from the pulpit against women, teens, visitors, members, parents, the elderly… I doubted the church that would believe liars and slanderers, saying “well, they have the Holy Ghost,” when anyone provided facts that should have obliterated the lies, should have revealed the slanderers and gossips for what they were. And in the end, I doubted the god they preached, a god who allowed hatred and pride but condemned skirts with slits and gold colored glasses, who would laugh as he sent people to hell. I doubted, and I’m glad I did.

There is value in disbelief. There is value in doubt. Not all doubt or unbelief is bad. Not all is wrong. There are things that should be doubted. And there are many things that should be questioned. Even things that others tell us we should have faith in. Even God things.

When I left the church, I was scared of questions. I’d stood in church listening to the pastor yell “this time tomorrow!” and talking about how the person who ran the aisles first or shouted the most or believed the hardest would get “their miracle,” and I thought, “yeah, right.” I’d doubted the church that could believe slander, lies, and gossip, while condemning sleeves that slipped above the elbows or a slip that barely showed under a calf length hem. And in the end, I doubted the god that was preached – a god who was angry, who was quick to condemn but slow to save. I doubted the purpose of and supposed answers to hours of prayer and fasting that were required, and I doubted my intentions in praying as I was.

Since leaving, I’ve feared the questions. Am I backslid? I’d never have thought this ten years ago! If I’d known what I’d be thinking now, I wouldn’t have left. I was taught that I should believe without questioning. I shouldn’t need to see reasons or proof for what I was told. And yet… God never told us not to question. Doubt is never listed as a sin. Doubt is not the same as unbelief, but there are even things that we should disbelieve, because some of the things we were told we needed to believe in faith were absolute lies. It doesn’t take faith to believe those things, it takes gullibility. Faith, real faith, doesn’t ignore questions, it responds to them — and it does so not by having pat answers, but by receiving and considering them fully. That is faith.

Real faith doesn’t reject doubt, it accepts it. Faith isn’t afraid to consider alternate views, because real faith, biblical faith, isn’t IN a perspective or opinion. Instead, it rests in an omnipresent, multi-faceted, all knowing yet incomprehensible God. Not one who will give us all the answers or silence our questions, but will encourage them. It’s when we have questions and doubts that we seek answers, that we grow, that we might become willing to step into the unknown. And THAT is faith.

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Where was God back then?…

‏In teen group, the youth pastors would preach about giving our hearts to the Lord, serving Him with all our might. Be a good soldier for Jesus Christ, giving our all to stand. We were to run our race with courage for the prize that was set before us… Lest we take our eyes off of the prize, off of Christ, and onto ourselves.

“The most miserable person you will ever meet is a Christian outside of God’s will.”

“If you……… (get away from God, get into sin, etc), God may put you up on the shelf” just like He did with Saul.

I miss early mornings in the Bible… I miss hearing God’s voice and knowing that peace. I miss hours in prayer. I miss being delighted in God’s answers and seeing Him work. While I hated the trials, I miss how He takes His children under His wings like a mother hen…

“When I sit upon my bed, and meditate upon thee in the night watches…. In the shadow of thy wing will I rejoice.”

The Lord’s touch in the Bible…. How he would bring a child onto his lap or into his arms. He used his hands to put mud on the eyes of a blind man, who at first saw men as trees walking.

I miss being able to read His Word without freezing up. I still can’t pray though several times there’s been progress… I miss looking forward to church instead of dreading it, not knowing what the message is going to be about.

Where was God then?

I was there because I truly wanted a close, intimate walk with the Lord, and I thought I had that. But where was He?

I thought I knew Him. Because I only desired a sincere walk with God, now I’m here, still, nine years later?

How can I be a ministry wife if I can’t pray, can’t read, can’t study? How, if I sing the hymns “living off of the victories of the past?” How can I possibly encourage my husband in the Lord? How can I raise my children when I no longer know what I believe…. And question the “what if He isn’t?”

Hours of Bible reading and prayer every day. Hours memorizing and studying the Word of God “that I might not sin against thee”… Days upon days of ministry, and nights filled with tears… Wondering how to get through the newest situation without repeating the old ones…

He [my mentor] wanted me to grovel…beg his forgiveness… Submit to his commands as my “authority” or there would always be consequences…

But God was there? All of that to serve the Lord?

I trusted my most recent pastor with some of what this man did…. But then he turned around five years later, ripped up an accusation of harassment, said I was trying to destroy my church by seeking advice (something always destructive with my old mentor), and told me the writing was on the wall…. This place was supposed to be one of balance, and it was to a great extent…. Turns out it was just messed up in a different way and I was supposed to submit for my husband’s sake.

I am what I was cautioned about: a “has-been” in the ministry as a soldier for Christ. I miss the days that fellowship was sweet. But I’ve tried so many times that it feels impossible.

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