We have people occasionally ask us what to do if their child or loved one has started attending a church they believe is unhealthy or could even be a cult. The information they seek – literature, evidence, facts – that they can give their loved one isn’t often what will be most effective in helping their loved one. It can be very helpful for concerned family and friends to KNOW the facts and to read the literature themselves. And the person who is concerned about their friend or family member will see through the indoctrination and the misinterpreted verses, because they are looking for the error and are not blinded by the emotion, the excitement, the love bombing, and so forth. However, it must be understood that when the unhealthy group presents information to their loved one, they are often doing so very subtly. They don’t walk up to someone and invite them to church saying “You need to come to our church where you’ll be told how to dress and what to think.” And no matter what evidence is provided to them, they will be told not to be concerned, or that those questions can be addressed later, or will be given other information that sounds right.
My parents handed me literature and let me know they disagreed with my choices without any real dialogue and already showing they disliked what the United Pentecostal Church taught without having heard too much. The church sat down, read through their literature with me, and let me ask questions as a newbie. They maintained a facade of openness to considering other perspectives. They would tell me I could believe what I wanted, but they loved me and wanted me to be able to choose what to believe, that there were things in the Bible most people weren’t familiar with and they wanted me to be aware of those things so I could decide for myself. Who do you think I gravitated to? Who do you think I felt was more respectful and caring?
No matter how much concern and respect loved ones show to the one interested in an unhealthy group or cult, that person will either perceive one of two things: they will become convinced that their family are interested in joining, too, or they will believe their family or friends are trying to “pull them out” of something that they are interested in. They may have been told that people will come out of the woodwork to tell them they’re wrong, they may be teaching your loved one songs that appeal to a feeling of secret knowledge and pride, and may be showing and telling the loved one that they respect whatever his or her decisions are.
If you are a friend or family member or loved one of someone who has expressed interest in an unhealthy church or cult, remember, when you’re up against all of the above, it can be easy for unhealthy people in the new group to make you LOOK wrong in various ways, and to basically silence your voice. BUT remember they cannot argue against your unconditional love, your respect for him as an individual who can (and will) make his/her own decisions, or your willingness to listen and ask simple but good questions based on your studies. Articles won’t win him. But you have much better ways to fight this.
Help! My child is joining a cult! Part 1
