Category: obey the pastor | Page 5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Is Your Faith Being Hijacked By Controlling Leaders?

Have you ever asked yourself ‘How did I end up here? What choices did I make that brought me to this moment?’ You might have asked this about your marriage, your job, some circumstance in your life that when you got there – it left you bewildered and confused. It felt like it was out of your control – like you were a puppet and the one pulling the strings was a hijacker – it doesn’t feel like it was you.

This is something I’ve heard many times about faith and spiritually abusive church structures – that it (faith) was taken over by controlling spiritual leaders who directly manipulated the steps taken by an individual, who then face a moment in time when their faith is in crisis. I’ve even asked the question, “Am I really a Christian (follower of Christ) if everything I do is the dictates of another flawed human being?”

One pastor told a young man, “Until I feel your unwavering loyalty, I will not give you one of my girls.”

To put this into context – the young man had asked the pastor of the church he attended for permission to marry another young lady in the church. The first and immediate response is that it isn’t the pastors choice – but in a system that hijacks your faith, they teach that it is the pastors choice.

In this scenario, the pastor simultaneously claimed ownership of a young lady, who was not his daughter, and claimed control over the actions and future of a young man in the church. The Bible says that we are to be led by the Spirit (Romans 8:14) and that when we need wisdom we are to ask God for it. (James 1:5)

More importantly, a Biblical command is to honor your father and mother (Exodus 20:12) and that in Bible terms, headship looks like this:

GOD
CHRIST
HUSBAND
WIFE
CHILDREN (presumably)

Ephesians 5:23

In the scenario of the young man and woman, the young man never spoke to his parents to seek permission to marry this young lady – and truthfully he didn’t need their permission, but following Biblical patterns would have given them much more authority in the matter. Instead, that process was hijacked by a controlling pastor.

How can your Faith be Hijacked?

I have now spoken with hundreds of people who have come out of or are coming out of spiritually abusive and controlling churches via this blog, my YouTube channel and social media groups, and the answers have been the same across the board – Fear.

Question: “What made you stay in that abusive relationship for so long?”

Everyone has identified with one or more of the following reasons.

Fear of being disfellowshipped
Fear of losing positions of ministry
Fear of losing rewards (such as permission to marry)
Fear of punishment
Fear of losing friends and family member relationships (yes this happens)
Fear of Salvation (You are told disobedience to the pastor is disobedience to God and is the sin of rebellion/witchcraft)

The list can actually continue on for quite a ways but fear is always the preeminent cause for an individual to stay in a controlling/abusive relationship. This is equally true for most physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse victims.

Over time, the control and abuse are normalized in the mind of the victim, even craved. Someone who lacks self-discipline may feel they need someone controlling their actions for them. That person is a prime target to be taken advantage.

For instance, the young man in our story had to choose between being controlled by a manipulator and agree to his terms in order to retain the love he felt for a young lady and marry, or reject being controlled and thereby lose the love of the young lady. (This is a true story in case you were wondering.) The choice was clear – obey my wishes or I take away something from you as punishment.

This is hijacked faith. Two young people should seek counsel in their choices, although they have no obligation to do so. Their parents and friends should be step #1 – and certainly seeking spiritual counsel is also wise – but none of those people have the right to say other individuals can or cannot get married.

The Tragedy of 9/11

In thinking back to the hijacking of four American planes on September 11th, 2001, where thousands of people had their lives hijacked by the evil will of others, I considered the connection between those events and hijacked faith.

When the passengers of those planes realized what was happening, they were left completely choice-less and powerless over their future. What was going to happen was out of their control – and while the initial thought is that someone in a spiritually abusive and hijacked situation has a choice, those people did not – you may be shocked to realize that that choice was mentally robbed from them (the young couple) every bit as much as the passengers on those planes.

When someone is convinced that heaven and hell are real and that their admission to one or the other is entirely defined by their obedience to the pastor, they are intellectually and emotionally robbed of free will and choice.

This takes time to be brainwashed into believing this – but just like our scenario with the young couple – she was so convinced of this she told the boy she would not marry him if he disobeyed the pastor. A husband told his wife, “Either we leave this church or there is a real possibility we won’t make it.” The wife responded, “Sorry, I’m not leaving the church.”

These people’s faith and future have been hijacked by terrorists, terrorist men or women who wear the clothes of a shepherd, which turns out to be a much better disguise than sheep’s clothing for the wolf.

Recovery

Just like real life hijacking events – the only way to recover is to overcome the force of the enemy – to bring to bear enough power and effort as to overwhelm those who would hijack your faith and future.

What does this mean for the Christian who is involved in an abusive church or religious organization? It means getting a firm understanding of who YOU really answer to!

Matthew 23 is one of the most powerful indicators of what our Lord Jesus Christ thought about men who would place themselves upon pedestals, take credit, demand obedience and authoritative respect. His response to those types of people was to proclaim to His disciples NOT to be like that.

Mat 23:8 But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. Mat 23:9 And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Mat 23:10 Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. Mat 23:11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

Jesus Christ is your father, your lord, and your master. Not another man, who is as equally flawed as you are. And before it enters into your mind that ‘Yea but God gave us Pastors and we are supposed to obey them’, read again Matthew 23:8-11. This was Jesus telling his Apostles (above Pastors in the food chain) ‘Neither be ye called masters.’

The word here for ‘master’ is the Greek kath-ayg-ay-trace (G2519 in Strongs Dictionary) which means guide, a teacher. Others use it as authority. Neither be ye called authorities.

1 Corinthians 11:1 Imitate me as I imitate Christ.

This was Paul saying to follow his faith, follow his example and I would remind you Paul never demanded ‘unwavering loyalty for the permission of marrying.’ Paul never used dictatorial control of his disciples. Rather, he expressed the love of Christ and knew he was answerable to Christ.

Paul went on to express what Biblical headship is, which gives us guidance as to who we are to be loyal to;

1Co 11:3 Now I want you to realize that the Messiah is the head of every man, and man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of the Messiah.

Recognize and realize that our obedience is to Christ, our Messiah, and savior! It is Him we must please and nowhere did Jesus say, ‘If you obey the commandments of men, you will be saved.” In fact, he said quite the opposite.

Mar 7:7 Their worship of me is worthless, because they teach human rules as doctrines.’

John 15:10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.

Lastly, the commandments of Christ were quite specific – love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor. Paul told us in Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

What was it that Jesus did? He came to bear the burden of our sin. He gave himself for each of us and thus, he gave all Love to God and to his neighbors. If we do the same, we abide in Christ’ love and have the Father.

If we are obedient to Christ, we are obedient to God. Let no man deceive you and hijack your faith by the claim that you must be obedient to them! Paul asked people to follow him, he didn’t demand it. Any man who claims you cannot please God without first pleasing him is a robber of God’s grace and a hijacker of your faith! Do not let them, but put your faith in Christ and Christ alone.

Jesus Plus Nothing = Everything

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Legalism is Idolatry – Flee From It

Protestant/Evangelical Christianity was in some ways a response to the legalism of the Roman Catholic church nearly 500 years ago when in 1517 Martin Luther nailed his 95 Thesis to the doors of a church in Germany. More importantly, it came against this notion that particular sacraments (a form of Godliness) brought the forgiveness of sin.

This was a time when men could do horrible things in the name of God and so long as they completed their sacramental, ritual practices, their crimes were dissolved and mattered not. Men could continue killing, raping, controlling and harming others without punishment, both in the eyes of man and God. They idolized legalism and stopped revering the God behind the pages.

Coming out of a severely legalistic church, I have experienced this first hand. There is a vast difference between second chances, grace and forgiveness, and gross negligence and hiding/covering up sins by leadership because the individual in question is following along with the ‘standards.’

For instance, I know of a situation in which a young man was being used in a local church, was placed into the Sunday school buses, teaching in the Sunday School classes. He was doing everything he was supposed to – wore the suit and tie, was demonstrative in his worship, ‘spoke in tongues‘ which is the Holy Grail of a Oneness Pentecostal church. With glossolalia being observed, the boy was surely walking in the Spirit. That was all that was needed – he fulfilled the patterns and standards of legalism and thus, no questions asked – he was All God wanted in a person (as if it worked that way…).

Then, one day, with no warning, his face was on the front cover of the local newspaper.

Local man arrested, wanted by police for over a year was the headline. Same face, different name. I immediately read the article. He had been fugitive for over a year in another state. The article said he had changed his name, sold all his belongings, was on the run and in hiding, wanted for the crimes of molesting a small child.

I took a picture of the newspaper and texted it to another young person in the church who I knew would know him and said, “Is this Dominic? [Name changed for privacy]” It was, and the shock was real. How many children had the church put him into private positions with – no background checks, no questions asked. Just so long as you obey the church standards, nothing else matters.

There are dozens, perhaps hundreds of more stories of things being covered up in my old church alone, for sake of purity of doctrine and what I call the idolatry of legalism.

What is Legalism?

Legalism at its core is the belief that we can perform certain rituals and behave in certain fashions in order to please God and to warrant his favor. That man is so depraved, that without certain hard lines drawn in the sand that we must obey, administered by a local pastor, we have no hope of obtaining the grace of Jesus Christ.

In my old church, it was taught often,

‘You want God to bless you on the job? Be at outreach more often!’

‘You want God to work in your marriage? Shave that beard! Be at prayer more than 30 minutes every day.’

‘Do you think God can bless you over you (women) wearing pants?”

‘If you aren’t paying your tithes God isn’t going to answer your prayers!’

They truly believed that they had to dress certain ways in order to please God – such as no short sleeve shirts, no shorts on men or women, women were being like harlots to wear makeup, earrings, to dye their hair or to tan their skin. It’s a long litany of Thou Shalt Nots, above and beyond any scriptural example. Yet they honestly believe (or have been brainwashed to believe) that if they do any of those things – God will be dishonored, and worse, his wrath was to come.

But how is legalism idolatry?

It is idolatry when ‘playing the part’ is more important and overrides the grace of Jesus Christ! When legal matters are brushed aside for the purity of the doctrine. It is idolatry when instead of worshiping God for Calvary and what the cross did for us, we obey the pastors every whim, believing that is what pleases God.

Paul said it best in 1 Corinthians 2:2

for I made the decision to know nothing [that is, to forego philosophical or theological discussions regarding inconsequential things and opinions while] among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified [and the meaning of His redemptive, substitutionary death and His resurrection]. – Amplified Bible

Legalism turns inconsequential things into matters of doctrine and makes them sacraments for the atonement of sin, just like the Roman Catholic Church of 500+ years ago. If you want to be saved, pray in tongues every day. If you hope to have God’s blessing, pay more money. If you think God is going to help your family, stop wearing short sleeve shirts and shave your beard.

It is important to know, that God and God alone washes (atones) our sins. Not by any works of righteousness (Titus 3:5) which we think we can do. James rightly said faith without any works is dead (James 2:20) but our works are an outward effect of our faith, our faith is not predicated or made whole, or made better by works, or as legalists call them, standards.

The fruit of God’s spirit is not legalism – it is not a dress standard, it is not ritual, it is not sacraments, it is not blind obedience to a pastor, and it is most certainly not judging others salvation based upon their outward appearance, which is what every legalist will do.

But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22

The result of having the Spirit of Christ WILL produce THESE works. All other demands upon Christians is a false and phony doctrine. Paul went on to say;

Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].

The end of legalism is life in Christ and fulfilling the law of Christ, which is purely and simply, living our Galatians 5:22 – loving and caring for others in the way Jesus Christ gave himself for us. While we deserved nothing, he gave us everything!

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Judicial Meetings – Public Humiliation & Shaming

I was shamed in public, in front of the entire congregation – multiple times – but wasn’t allowed to utter a word to defend myself because of my sex. What level of emotional abuse is that? Extreme.

The meetings were special judicial meetings. At each meeting I dissociated and felt like I was floating above my body. The entire meeting was an out of body experience because I was so traumatized that my body detached from my physical and emotional experience to cope. The man (my father-in-law at the time) who stood up to shame me about something very intimate, came up to me after the service and I shook hands with him because conflict, “rudeness,” and assertiveness is ungodly behavior for a woman.

I was the victim of years and years of relentless domestic abuse. And now I was being blamed in public. They victimized the victim. They attacked my character. What he said about me was a huge lie but I was never allowed to say my side of the story, or to put it right. Because women are not allowed to speak during the meetings or services.

I didn’t even defend myself in private because I felt I had no personal power because I had been spiritually, emotionally, verbally, and financially abused for so long. I felt powerless, hopeless, helpless, broken, silenced. I’m sure, based on my character, that most people in the congregation knew that what was said was lies, but he was not told to make it right, or to take back what he said.

Life went on. Some believed him. They ignored me. And gossiped. False accusations. A private investigator hired to watch me. He was promoted to more elevated duties. No apology. I was left horrified and traumatized (what he said was of a very personal and intimate nature). I had been humiliated in front of my entire social circle (we were not allowed to socialize with anyone outside of the congregation). Every time I went to a service (6 times per week) I felt like I was sitting on top of my car as I drove home – that’s how dissociated I was.

The one positive result from this experience is that I woke up to the fact that I was in a controlling and abusive church. If it wasn’t for this extremely painful experience I might never have woken up. I might never have realized that God was absent from their services. I still struggle with PTSD from this experience (6 years later) and don’t have a Christian community due to deep trust issues.

How can a group of so-called Christians be so ignorant that they don’t realize what public humiliation – with no ability to defend yourself or speak – does to a person psychologically? Even Wikipedia knows! 🙂 This is the sickness of a perverted and callous “Christianity” that follows rules and that is very far from the heart the God.

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Dissonance

What is it? How does it apply to spiritual abuse? Who does it affect?

The dictionary defines dissonance as: “lack of harmony among musical notes. a tension or clash resulting from the combination of two disharmonious or unsuitable elements.”

A great analogy would be listening to your one year old toddler banging on a piano and the reaction your nerves would have from that discord.

In the realm of spiritual abuse, it occurs when the object of worship is portrayed in a harsh, unloving manner while being called a “loving God.” It affects the new believer as he or she begins to learn that there is a list of confusing rules to serving this God, and that the initial experience of joy and love is not considered an assurance of salvation. It is applied to the feeling the believer gets when he or she is told that obedience to a pastor is equal with salvation, yet discovers the leader in question is immoral.

The term was coined to explain the phenomenon of confused emotions that occur within a child who has been molested and yet feels an attachment to the abuser. This is often seen in foster children who realize their parents treated them horrifically, yet part of them wants to continue to cling to that parent in love and trust, even though they know the relationship was hurtful.

At one meeting, I sat and listened to a preacher as he told blatant lies, one right after another. I am not referring to instances where people have a mistaken memory, or a differing viewpoint, but rather outright lies that have absolutely no basis in truth. He was defending his position as his actions had been called into question. He lied without any hesitation whatsoever. The ease with which he lied was appalling, given his history and presumed position as a “holiness preacher.”

The dissonance was almost palpable. It was hard for me to remain in the meeting, knowing his boasts of integrity and “godliness,” yet listening to lie after lie rolling off his tongue.

How can a person be two very opposite things at once? This man was one who preached absolute honesty in all cases–to others. He taught tithing on the gross, no physical contact between couples before marriage, and necklines covering the collarbones. Yet he lies.

As facts began to unfold, it became apparent that dishonesty was a very strong thread in his character.

The discrepancy was astounding.

Yet, the more I come to know about the fellow sufferers of spiritual abuse, the more I see this common thread coming through. The dissonance is real. It comes from every abusive leader, in one way or another. It affects anyone in their power or domain.

Sometimes I think that spiritual abuse is the worst kind of abuse of all. It is abuse of the soul. To take one’s relationship with God and use it to abuse and control is the greatest form of harm. The dissonance may be with us for a while, but there is a God, and as angry as Jesus was in his day over the Pharisees, it cannot bode well for those who continue in their willful harm of souls.

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Taking every thought captive

There are also some things I was told I had to do to be saved. I was taught to just stop thinking about some things, “taking every thought captive.” However, refusing to think about certain things, particularly problems in the church, is NOT what the Bible means by 2 Cor 10:5.

Thought stopping, or refusing to think about certain things, is not healthy. Yes, if our thoughts are coming in torrents it is good to slow them down and work through them systematically rather than panic, but to simply refuse to recognize thoughts or questions is very unhealthy and is almost always identified with unhealthy situations that include someone not wanting the one they are teaching to think for themselves. God himself gave us the ability to think for ourselves when he created us. And no, that wasn’t a bad thing. God made everything good.

But even as I write that, I remember a tangle of verses and partial verses that would seem to prove the opposite:

-I’ve been taught not to trust my own thinking. “The heart is deceitful and wicked above all things…” I was told, indicating that my heart was evil and my thoughts therefore, if they didn’t line up with the church’s teaching, must be evil, too.
–Don’t question the ‘man of God,’ I was told. “How can they hear without a preacher?” Well, I heard and responded to God. That doesn’t mean that I have to do anything that anyone who calls himself a preacher says to do for the rest of my life. All that verse says is that someone must tell others before they hear about God, which makes sense.
-But the pastor will ‘give account’ before God. That’s not what Hebrews 13:7 is about. No human being is going to stand before God for us and give an account, either for the good or the bad… I find it odd now that the pastor would have said he would give account of us before God at the judgment, because the way it was always discussed, he would be telling all the bad things about us… which gives him the role of accuser of the brethren. That’s not a role any human should want to choose or tell others he would have.
-But Adam and Eve used their choice to sin. And that’s what it boils down to.

If we are given free choice, we’ll sin. Sin is bad. Therefore… if we don’t think or don’t question, if we don’t make major decisions without checking in with the pastor, if we are accountable to someone else, if we make extra rules to keep ourselves ‘safe’ from sin… we’ll be OK, right? WRONG! For starters, none of that stops people from sinning. God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden every evening. They had the greatest ‘accountability partner’ possible. Eve made the first extra rule — don’t touch the fruit. It didn’t work. And… there are a lot of people who would disagree, but maybe it wasn’t supposed to. God knew when he created us that we would make the wrong choice sooner or later. But he still chose to give us that choice. And when he created us with the will to choose, he still called his creation (us) good.

I’m going to repeat that. God made us with the ability to choose. He knew we would sin. AND HE STILL CALLED US GOOD. Not because we were only going to be good for a little bit of time. Not because he didn’t know what would happen. He called us good because he loves us… and maybe, just maybe because sin is not the horrible problem to the almighty, omnipotent, omniscient, eternal God that we humans have been led to believe it is.