Category: obey the pastor | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

What Are You Plugged Into?

The long buzzing wires of the power-plant hang perfectly in the balance over the soft-flowing river, electricity surging through at lightening speeds. A tender infant’s favorite fuzzy bear lights up with contagious laughter and merry song, but its energy begins to wane over the course of days. Long gone are the days of fire-lit torches and oil lamps in first-world countries, society heavily dependent upon electricity to function: lights, doors, phones, televisions, computers, cars, and more. The efficiency and dependability of those items, however, are heavily reliant upon the power source. Is there enough power? Is it a pure source of power? Is the voltage too high, placing too great a strain and demand? As Christians, what are we plugged into? Is it too great, not enough, or holding us back? Or is the electrical output overriding the computer system’s limits, frying the circuits and rendering seemingly useless without repair?

The demands of a pastor or teacher are often too strenuous, adding restrictions and rules on top of what is truly demanded in Scripture. Are skirts long enough? Are collars high, sleeves long, and material loose? The subtle show of skin or appearance of figure will lead a man to fall. Are the men wearing suits in the summer heat, daily scraping off their facial hair, marching forward with a heavy black Bible under their arms? No one will support them in the ministry without a white collared shirt and tie. Are households in church every time the doors are open, despite sickness and family gatherings? Do women touch-up their make-up five minutes before their husbands arrive home, dinner on the table and children decked in freshly-pressed clothes after a grueling day of isolation, chaos, and bodily fluids, now taking on her duty as a proper help-meet for her husband? Generations of parents continue to uphold these ideals based on their own childhood, never questioning the validity of such teachings, oblivious to the sparkle soon lost in their children’s eyes.

What are we dependent upon as Christians? Are we taught that we must hang on every word and beckoning call of the preacher in order to attain salvation or a level of spiritual maturation and faith? Do we rest in just getting through the next hellacious verbal or physical beating from pastor or spouse with integrity intact, holding onto submission as key? Have we developed co-dependent relationships, soul-ties as deep as David and Jonathan? When the inevitable break occurs, the one dependent is mostly destroyed, while the stronger merely continues on with barely a scratch or taste of the tragedy left behind. Through innocent fervor or fear of hell-fire, we rely on other people, practices, and principles to survive the ravaging tactics of spiritual abuse in our churches and homes.

As lightening strikes, the power plant explodes and crumbles. The whirring current comes to a halt, leaving everything desolate, and shattered in pieces because the electrical strain is too great to bear. The human body and psyche can only handle so much. Or maybe it’s the slow, waning drain of the teddy bear battery, as functions shut down one by one. Movements become robotic and the musical notes slur together. Life slowly drains from the little bear, to the point that most will never notice until the battery is nearly dead.

Christ said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest into your souls. For my yoke is easy , and my burden light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). His intended yoke is much lighter then the legalism of man. The Bible says in Deuteronomy 33:25, “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.” God said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for thee…for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” God’s demands are never greater than what He gives us strength for, but man’s expectations and standards create a load we are not meant to bear, strained even more without the power to sustain them over a period of time.

What are you plugged into?

Spiritual Abuse as Trauma (Part 1)

INTRODUCTION

Trauma is often thought to be any life threatening situation. It’s easy to imagine a tornado, war, armed robbery as trauma. Most people also recognize rape and sexual abuse as trauma, because it invades the most intimate parts of the body. Sexual trauma robs the individual of their power over their own body, and even permanently changes the structure of a person’s brain (Van Der Kolk, 2014).

Many people would readily agree that the above-mentioned situations describe abuse. Yet these same people would also deny the existence of spiritual abuse, much less acknowledge it as trauma.

However, just as sexual abuse affects an individual by invading the physical and emotional aspects of intimacy, spiritual abuse invades the intimacy of the very soul itself. Much like sexual abuse perverts what was intended to be beautiful about physical romantic intimacy, spiritual abuse perverts God’s intimacy with the soul of a human being.

Trauma occurs when an individual is harmed or threatened with harm, and they have no way to fight it off or flee from it (Van Der Kolk, 2014). Spiritual abuse is wrapped in a cloak of sanctimony that makes it difficult to identify at first. Then it threatens eternal damnation and separation from God–and how can the person fight or flee from this form of abuse? This insidious form of abuse leaves people just as broken as incest, rape, war, or violence. While other forms of abuse focus on the body and the mind, spiritual abuse scars the soul.

DYNAMICS

Working with clients who have been victims of sexual or physical abuse, I often find that their stories have a similar flair, in that the perpetrator of the abuse kept them separated from others so they wouldn’t realize the abuse for what it was. Maybe that uncle that raped him continually through his childhood told him it was “our special bond”. Or, maybe her dad told her “this is what dads and daughters do”. Trying to normalize the abnormal is a common key for abusers. Keeping the events secret perpetuates the crime, and keeps the child from knowing that what is happening is not okay. Because adults “know everything”, they assume they must put up with the treatment that is painful and confusing in most cases.

In this same way, we see that spiritual abuse usually involves an element of secrecy. The constituents are told that they are the only “right way” to be saved, and that other denominations or churches are “not right with God” or are “heresy”. They are encouraged to keep quiet about things that go on behind the scenes, and to not tell visitors of all of the rules and regulations until they are “part of us”. The leadership of such groups inundate the people with messages that lift themselves up to a place of authority over others. This is done to such a degree as to make people feel like they are not smart enough or close to God enough to make their own decisions and must go with what leadership says, regardless of their feelings about it, “in order to be saved”. These groups generally have entire services directed towards “rebellion” against the leadership being a sin, or they may include the comments often in their sermons. The constituents are taught that “this is what the New Testament church did”, even though there is no proof for that in the Bible. They often preach about how much they love the “saints” and it is acted out by preferential treatment to those who swallow it all and work the hardest to obey the leadership.

EFFECTS

So, what are the effects to the victims of the different types of abuse and trauma? Can spiritual abuse cause similar harm to that of physical or sexual abuse?

Working with sexual abuse victims and physical abuse victims, we often see a startle instinct that is overactive. Sometimes this is called a hyper-awareness. They are vigilant while in play, as their brains learned early that not every situation is safe. They often have nightmares. They may get very emotional at times, about things that make no sense to others. They may acquire social anxieties, regress in their development, or avoid others by curling into a ball under a desk at school. Triggers are everywhere for these individuals, and no one understands what that feels like except them.

Maybe he has anxiety attacks when he sees a red plaid shirt like the one uncle wore when he raped him. She may scream and cry or throw things when she smells the odor of a mechanic shop, because that smell triggers the memory of dad when he was molesting her. I’ve seen times where kids had to turn on every light they saw, all day long, and would get frantic if not allowed to do so, because something bad happened to them in the dark of night. Another adult client shared with me that she would hide in the closet to avoid her grandfather raping her, and that she still feels like the closet is her safe place when she is scared.

How does this apply to spiritual abuse?

Having spent some time talking to many victims of spiritual abuse, it is apparent that there are definite parallels. Symptoms of PTSD are very evident in these individuals. Panic attacks are common, sleepless nights where nightmares and fears reign, hyper awareness, and even social anxieties are present in the majority of these individuals. Paralyzing fear for no apparent reason is often a continual battle for those recovering from spiritual abuse. They learned in the most primitive parts of their brains that the place they were told was the safest in the world, church, turned out to be the most frightening for them. Triggers are present all around them in words spoken, actions taken, and faces they see on the street. However, the most frightening place of all has come to be a church building.

I’ve heard her describe getting up to leave during a sermon because she couldn’t breathe and was having a panic attack. He described being unable to sleep every single night. The odor of olive oil causes her to feel sick because it is what her abusive pastor used on her when he told her she was possessed of a demon. Seeing a white shirt and tie on someone carrying a Bible causes an instant heart rate increase and the urge to run in the opposite direction. Not going to church at all is often the only way to find peace and start healing.

References

Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York: Viking.

Spiritual Abuse as Trauma (Part 2)

Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 2

Besides hearing of instances of alleged sexual abuse in a Colorado United Pentecostal Church that were not reported, I have heard from several former members as to how people in leadership there, including licensed ministers, have conducted themselves. I’ve seen one person refer to former members as the ‘Walking Wounded’. Even though the Bible shares in several places how believers should be slow to anger, it appears some in leadership have chosen to repeatedly, and for years, display the works of the flesh instead of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). (See Proverbs 14:29, 15 & 29:11, James 1:19-20, Ecclesiastes 7:9, Colossians 3:8.) The apostle Paul instructed Titus about elders among fellow believers and wrote in 1 Titus (NASB):

7For the overseer must be above reproach as God’s steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, 8but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, 9holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching,

This is part fifteen in a series of articles and part two of the focus on a Colorado church. This is a compilation of allegations from numerous former members against the leadership of this church and the reports cover a span of many years.

I firmly believe that if a minister does not have the heart of a servant, as Jesus taught and showed by example, they should not hold license. Even Jesus himself did not come to be served but to serve others. Ministers and pastors are not supposed to be waited on and catered to by members of a church. They should not be elevated to a place where their actions cannot be questioned, nor should they live extravagantly on the hard earned money of members, when many of those people go without things.

Should ministers seek to have a table at church banquets where they are set apart from non-ministers and have church members appointed to only serve them and their needs? Where did ministers get the idea that they are separate from other believers in the body of Christ and shouldn’t spend much time with, or get close to, them? Did not the Pharisees in the New Testament act similarly?

Should members be expected to clean a pastor’s personal home because the church is having a conference (of course without being paid)? What about members who work for weeks under fear and intimidation on personal parties and anniversaries for the pastor and his family? Is it proper to remove members from ministries because they get behind in paying pledge money for such anniversary services? I cannot see David Bernard, the General Superintendent of the United Pentecostal Church, condoning such actions.

Should a pastor and his family live quite lavishly while there are many church members who are having a tough time making ends meet and while some ride a bus to services as they have no vehicle, while the pastor and his wife drive very expensive cars? Should the pastor and his family expect members to purchase them expensive gifts like a top of the line Jacuzzi or a baby grand piano or request that members help send them on exotic trips? It’s been said that some in the church have been told that “the least we can do is give him our money”.

Why would there be a hidden TV behind a wall panel in the living room (that was made to look like it was the mantle) during a time when UPC licensed ministers were forbidden to own one and all the while preach against it? In addition, why would there be a second TV in the basement with many Disney and other movies for the grandchildren? I have found the whole affirmation statement to be such a farce as through the years I have heard of various ministers signing the document and yet not abiding by it. Or making changes to it or adding a note that essentially nullifies it and these are accepted by the organization.

Should a pastor’s wife, now a senior pastor’s wife, be verbally abusive year after year to church members who volunteered to be in a seasonal church production, belittling them to the point where they are left in tears? One person shared they had to take Xanax for three months to make it through all the rehearsals due to her behavior. This woman has been described by more than one former member as ‘cruel,’ ‘vicious’ and ‘manipulative’. Some members were more afraid of what the pastor and his wife thought than God.

What about a PK, now a pastor’s wife, who regularly scolds choir members and even allegedly physically pulled a woman out of choir for failure to perform a movement she wanted, which the woman was incapable of doing due to the restricted room she had to work in. This leader took the choir member to the pastor’s office and allegedly lied about physically assaulting her. Should a person be screamed at for missing a cue? The fruit of the Spirit is severely lacking in such a person.

Love people. Respect them, serve them, and care for them. Ultimately, the only acceptable motive and the only successful method of leadership is love. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

Should a visiting minister demand money and anything of worth to be handed over to the church under the guise of obtaining a blessing, especially in a church that already had plenty and was not suffering financially? Some who didn’t have cash left jewelry, shoes, perfume and other valuables on the altar. When one woman regretted giving her wedding ring, she allegedly called the church the next day to get it back and was told it was gone.

Does a pastor have the right to demand that a future wife goes to the husband’s church when two people are planning on marrying (done in order to keep members in the church)? How is it any of his business? Should a pastor be telling church members that he forbids them to have interaction with anyone who leaves the church or to not attend a new work that has started nearby?

Should a pastor use intimidation or guilt to manipulate members? What does it say about a pastor when he threatens a member with a lawsuit or tells them not just to leave the church building, but the state as well? What would you think of your pastor if you discovered he had allegedly harassed a former member, contacting his employer in an effort to get him fired, all because he started a church? Would that not speak loudly of the man’s deep feelings of insecurity (as well as other things)? Should a pastor punish church members by removing them from the platform or their positions in the church for simply attending a service at another UPCI church?

Have integrity. Be honest with God, yourself and people. Periodically ask God to purge you of personal or mixed motives. …When self-interest is at stake, seek the honest opinions of others and, if necessary, recuse yourself from a decision. Look at all sides of a decision or disagreement, consider other points of view, and treat everyone fairly. – David K. Bernard, Spiritual Leadership article in the November 2018 edition of Pentecostal Life.

These are some of the allegations that I have heard about this church and their pastoral/leadership team. These alone are troublesome, but combined with multiple allegations through the years of unreported sexual abuse cause me to be quite concerned. Why are some so fearful of speaking out and reporting these incidents? If these accounts are true, these people are not fit to hold license with any organization, no matter how many in the organization there are who may not have seen things themselves. If these are true, how has this church been allowed to remain in the UPCI? Has headquarters never received any information about them? Do members not realize there is a judicial procedure in the UPCI where ministers can be confronted about wrongdoings?

Below are the personal thoughts, experiences and opinions of just one former member of this Colorado United Pentecostal Church.

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I remember the Sunday night when I decided I would never come back to that church again. I was sitting in church when, just before service, the then pastor’s wife asked the band to do a run through of the night’s special choir song. Before we started, she said in a serious, bitter tone, “I have friends visiting tonight so you all better not embarrass me!” We were about halfway through the song when she flubbed up the tempo, as was typical, and blamed it on the band. “Stop!,” she screeched, bent over with a look of disgust on her face. She then addressed the band by saying that she could not count on us for anything, that we never get anything right, and that it was our fault if the Holy Ghost “didn’t come.”

That was the moment my chin dropped down to my chest and I realized, this is not a place where Jesus – the real Jesus – is welcome. You see, for four years I had sat there, spending close to 20 hours a week at church, sometimes more, missing out on life because of my great commitment to the excellent music we put forth. We were a stellar band and everyone knew it, but when this woman wanted us six or seven players to copy to a T the likes of the Brooklyn Tabernacle, complete with every hit and swell of their full orchestra, it simply could not be done. But she didn’t accept that.

The prior year, I had served in a key position for the church’s massive Easter drama, witnessing behavior that would have been met with legal action in any other setting. This woman, supposedly the ultimate example of a godly woman, exhibited alarming, non Christ-like, and vicious behavior that no one who is called a leader should ever exhibit. Fits of rage, screaming, dramatic tantrums, and hurling objects such as her microphone across the room. Asking people, “Are you retarded?” when they didn’t do something quite to her liking, telling people they were jokes, and belittling even children who fell short of her expectations. It was an outrage.

Yet that is not the whole reason why I left. For the year leading up to my departure, I had pleaded for a meeting with the pastor. I wanted to discuss my feelings and the evolution of my beliefs, which were leading me to question the doctrines of the United Pentecostal Church. My pleas fell on deaf ears and I was continually blown off. But before that, I was “in” with them. I was one of them. I had enjoyed private dinners in their luxurious mansion, valued at more than $3 million according to the county assessor’s office. These people who are supposed to emulate Jesus – champion of the humble and selfless – were the most lavish people I had ever known. They drive Escalades, Porsches, and Jaguars. The husband sports custom Italian suits, expensive ties, and watches valued in the thousands. The wife wears floor-length furs, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, St. John, Yves St. Laurent, and every other ultra luxury designer bag, shoes, and outfits. The devil really does wear Prada. They take trips to luxurious destinations around the world, often paid for by church members as coerced anniversary or birthday gifts. Yet the majority of their church is poor.

Where is Jesus in all of this? Where is Jesus when their daughter, who, along with her husband, has taken over the church in recent years, grabs people’s arms so hard it leaves a bruise and threatens them when she thinks they’ve attempted to defy her? Where is Jesus when the current pastor, her husband, threatens people and makes false, damaging, and derogatory allegations about them from the pulpit? Or how about when a staff member, who is on the church payroll, gets caught sending racy photos of herself to boys in the church and more? It all gets swept under the rug. Jesus has left that building.

I know more than one woman who claims that the former pastor, now ‘bishop,’ demanded that she stay married to her husband when he was physically abusing her or having extra-marital affairs. I also know that he told me to my face that I would go to hell for leaving his church. I was then dragged through the mud, publicly shamed and excommunicated, like so many before me were. When a man leaves, they accuse him of being gay or an adulterer. When a woman leaves, she’s a harlot. When anyone defies them, there is hell to pay. They make hollow threats and viciously gossip.

They sift the hard-earned money of the poor from the coffers to fund their lavish lifestyles. In their own eyes, they are above reproach and not to be questioned, but they will face the One who knows and sees all one day. And I don’t want to be anywhere near them when that lightning bolt hits. God have mercy and show them the error of their ways while there is still time to correct it. These people are unfit for leadership, and certainly unfit to represent Christ. They are the epitome of the reason so many have negative views of Christianity and, in my opinion, defile the name of God.

1 Peter 5 (NASB): Therefore, I exhort the elders among you, as your fellow elder and witness of the sufferings of Christ, and a partaker also of the glory that is to be revealed, ²shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness; ³nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge, but proving to be examples to the flock.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

Spiritual Abuse & Emasculated Men

A topic that often comes up in our support groups is how women are usually hit harder than men in spiritually abusive churches and groups. It often is mentioned in conjunction with ‘holiness standards‘ and submission. The subject arose once more a couple days ago and in reflecting, I was reminded of some things that married men have shared through the years, a topic that can be difficult for them to discuss. There are men who feel emasculated by the teachings of these churches and how the pastor basically takes their place as the husband. It has been asked, “How many women are having an emotional affair with the pastor and church because their husband can’t quite measure up?”

It seems to happen more often when the man isn’t part of the church or once was but left, or he attends but doesn’t fall in line with all the teachings. However, it also strikes men who are fully immersed in the group. As one shared, “The implied message was that it is more important to be dedicated to the church than it is to your husband. …I didn’t know that the pastor was also married to my wife…strange. Or that he was one of the heads mentioned in the scripture.”

This mindset places tremendous strain and pressure on a marriage and works to emasculate the husband, depriving him of his role and causing him to feel replaced, almost unwanted at times, and less than a man. In situations where there are children, sometimes the wife, and even other family members in the church, will say negative things to the children about their father that can cause relationship problems between them. It can bring untold conflicting feelings, angst and even fear that their dad will burn in hell, a terrifying thought for a child. The women appear to be blinded to the damage they cause as they believe they are following the will of God.

A person asked, “What is it that makes the man (or wife) think he ‘can’t measure up’? …How can a woman put the pastor higher than the man that brings home the bacon, pays the bills and cares for the family? How is it the man that never mowed the lawn, never paid one household bill (probably does not even hold a job) is the man that is superior?” This thought of any pastor being superior to others does not fit in with how the body of Christ is described in 1 Corinthians 12.

One man responded, “This is what the man is reduced to bringing home the bacon, paying the bills, and supplying non-emotional or spiritual needs. Anything else is perceived as an effort to try and convince or change the doctrine/beliefs of the wife, which in turn leads to accusations of the husband trying to break up the family. Unfortunately the woman in many cases makes the statement, ‘when I see you praying, and fasting, (until I see you are worthy) then I will submit to your authority or consider you the priest of our home.’ This obviously is not consistent with scripture.”

In these unhealthy churches, the pastor is usually considered superior to others in the church and this plays into the emasculation of the other men. In fact, some pastors flat out tell people to imitate them in prayer, worship, dress, etc. In addition some claim that one cannot be saved without them. “The only way you’re ever going to get to Christ is to follow a man of God. The only way that you’re ever going to make it in the rapture is to follow a man of God. Amen! You can’t make it without a pastor.” (Quote is from the linked to video.)

So how does the man (pastor) appear superior to the husband? “When he is one who holds dedication, loyalty, and commitment overhead with hell fire and damnation, he certainly can [appear superior]. Conversely, because of the impression he gives of having a pipeline directly to the throne, and with statements and perceptions that no one can or should be more spiritual than the pastor, sure, that husband will never and can never measure up.” Imagine how this makes the man feel and what it does to him and how it insidiously works to destroy the marriage. If that man eventually gives up and walks away, it is entirely blamed on him for not measuring up.

Some seemingly fight a losing battle in attempting to regain their rightful place in the family. As long as the spouse places the pastor and church above her husband, there will be problems in the marriage and sometimes it cannot be overcome. Unfortunately, pastors have told wives to divorce. “Apparently, the pastor told my wife that if I don’t come around, and fall in line with all that he teaches, she shouldn’t stay with me. The same man who married us, suggests that, for the sake of her soul, she should probably leave me.” Such counsel goes against the admonition of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.

A woman shared some observations, “I have seen this kind of stuff going on. Women who think their husbands have no merit in the kingdom of God just because they aren’t like other women’s husbands. They usually have no respect for them and undermine their authority in the home. The children are taught that their father does not know anything. They are pretty confused… The wife runs to the pastor or other spiritual men, counseling with them. She constantly compares her husband with other men….why can’t he be like them?

“…I think if we were not taught erroneously to begin with…that the pastor is like the Pope and only he can hear from God for us…then many of us would have better marriages and better relationships with God. I have never spoken with men to get their viewpoint of what they think of their wives running off to the pastor every time they turn around. I think some of them are conditioned to think it’s OK.”

Another woman told of an event. “Last year at summer camp all the women were invited to lunch with the pastor and were also shown his bedroom with the comment ‘see how clean and tidy he is, not like your slobby husbands.’ Well, for those women with slobby husbands I’m pretty sure they did get mind problems the next time their husband left his clothes on the floor, remembering that nice tidy pastor’s room (which had been cleaned beforehand by a few of the women anyway). We were continually reminded of how our husbands didn’t measure up but if you dared to come out with it yourself you were a Jezebel bitch. So it was a no win situation for everybody.”

This is a very serious problem in unhealthy churches. While there are people who sincerely believe they are doing God’s will by placing church and pastor above their spouse, they fail to realize how their actions are ripping their family apart, harming their children and causing excruciatingly deep hurt to their spouse. Is this not spiritual adultery as one man observed? Take to heart what he shared. “This is so true. Not only putting the pastor in the place of God, but putting the pastor or church above the place of your husband. The hierarchy that God designed and that Paul outlined is pretty much cast into the fire by the UPC, there is no church, or pastor between God, the Man, and his Wife. It is so wrong for the pastor to demand a devotion to him, his doctrine, his perspective, and his general way of doing things. Sometimes I don’t think they do this openly or even purposely but they use various controlling techniques to demand devotion in general.

“It is so funny how most every UPC church has a name, but we don’t refer to them that way, instead we say, ‘I used to belong to Bro. Smith’s church, or I visited Bro. Jones’ church, or my sister belongs to Bro. Johnson’s church.’

“I would covet an opportunity to talk to a pastor’s wife to see how she felt about or even realizes that her husband has the devotion and attention of the women in their church above and stronger than the devotion to their husbands. How many people have the courage to call it religious and maybe spiritual adultery?”

Read Religious Cuckoldry by Dr. Michael Warstler, an essay on this same topic.

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

This is the continuation of thoughts about spiritual abuse based upon Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness.

The forth point the authors make is as follows:

Listen to the Holy Spirit inside you. Jennifer’s initial reaction to the group leader was negative. Only when he began telling her things that fed her ego did she soften toward him. Listen to the warning voice inside you when it tells you to pull back, and think things through. If you are a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit of God living inside you, and can ask for wisdom and guidance. You won’t hear an audible voice but will often feel a pull in one direction or another. James 1:5 says, “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” If something you hear or are taught makes you uncomfortable, ask God to reveal the truth to you. Then give Him time and quiet to do so, reading the Word.

Many who have been involved in an unhealthy church can look back and realize there were warning signs in the beginning and/or along the way. In the beginning, we sometimes overrode those due to the excitement found at the church or because we did begin our relationship with God there. Sometimes they are pushed aside as we didn’t know much about the Bible, churches or God and considered the leadership in the church to be more knowledgeable. Then, as in the case of Jennifer, some were told things about themselves that felt good and built them up and thus the initial uneasy feelings were overridden.

As time went on, warning signs could be rationalized away. We had been pulled into the system and mindset. We fell into the thoughts that the pastor was to be obeyed, even if something wasn’t in the Bible, and that questioning what happened or was taught was akin to questioning God and being rebellious. And since rebellion was as the sin of witchcraft and we knew witches were not saved, well….we learned to suppress questions and any thoughts of something not being right.

While sometimes warning signs can be our own fears and insecurities, they are often something in which we need to pay attention. They should cause us to pause, take a step back, and objectively evaluate what is happening. If many of us would have done this, we never would have joined our unhealthy church or would have left sooner than we did.

If you are having feelings of uneasiness regarding your church, take heed. If you find it was just you and perhaps you misunderstood something, there is no harm done. If you find that there is something amiss, you may have saved yourself a great deal of harm and anguish. It never hurts to pause and reevaluate a situation.

The fifth and final point the authors make is:

Look at the fruit. Jesus said we could judge the soundness of a tree by the kind of fruit it produced: “For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit” (Luke 6:43). What fruit does the life of the person you are listening to exhibit? The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). If the doctrines you are hearing do not lead to this kind of fruit, don’t consume them. In Jennifer’s case, the doctrines she was taught led to fear, self-loathing, exhaustion, inferiority and depression. The leader himself exhibited pride, control (over others, not himself), anger, violence, and an attraction to ungodly things. If the fruit is bad, the tree it comes from should be avoided.

The fruit in a person’s life is their actions, attitudes & character. It shows what is in the heart. It involves how a person is all the time and not simply during church activities.

Jesus spent time speaking of the Pharisees and his harshest words were directed toward them. While they tried to put on a good show outwardly, so all would look up to and revere them, Jesus told us that inside they were full of dead men’s bones. They praised God with their lips, but their hearts were far from him. They were hypocrites and yet they were the religious leaders of the Jews.

Unhealthy ministers and pastors will show their true fruit and you have a right to inspect that fruit and determine if it is good or bad. Bad fruit is involved when they teach things that benefit themselves, such as in persuading people to give more money or do favors or chores for the ministry. They may preach against certain things but not truly believe them and may be found breaking those rules. They may have one set of rules for the members and another for their family. If the ministry acts like they stand in God’s place and can pronounce all kinds of judgments against you, that is bad fruit.

Take some time and return to the Gospels and read about the problems Jesus had with the Pharisees. See how they were infuriated because Jesus healed someone on the Sabbath. See how they tried to trap him in conversations, were jealous of Jesus and wanted the best seats as they felt deserving of them. Consider how they prayed and looked down on the publican while praising themselves. Look at how they did things to be seen and praised of men. Do you see any of these same traits in the pastor?

If you or others are being treated harshly in a church, take a good long look at the fruit the pastor displays. Is it good or bad fruit? Is it what Jesus taught? Do they have the heart of a servant….or the ego of a personal kingdom builder?

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2