Category: legalism | Page 5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The Dress

It was camp time, and I, as usual, didn’t have much money for the fancy evening clothes that most people my age would be wearing. Looking through the thrift stores, I found one dress. It met all the requirements: 3/4 sleeves, mid calf, not too fitted, high necked. It was a beautiful antique green-gray with a cream background, and it fit me perfectly.

Since having been kicked out of my previous church because my former pastor “felt in his spirit” that I was “lusting after” him, I hadn’t felt like looking very pretty. I had started, in my mid 20s, dressing in bulky dress jumpers a size or two too large, in dull or dark colors. This wasn’t modesty, though I didn’t know it then. It was humiliation and depression and a very unhealthy body image.

I wanted to look pretty in a way, but I was also very embarrassed about looking good. Wasn’t that immodest? Would I look sexy? I never wanted to be accused of causing a man to lust again. But I also wanted to look attractive. I saw other women my age at church. They didn’t dress like I did, and they weren’t accused. They were admired. And then I found the dress.

I questioned whether I should buy it. It looked absolutely great on me… and I wasn’t sure if that was great or terrible. But I loved it so much and I loved the way I looked in it. So I bought it. And the last night of camp, I wore it. I was a little self conscious in it, because I knew I looked good, but worried that it showed my figure more than my bulky jumpers, but I was also very happy with it. And so I shouted through the Friday night service and went back home the next day, very happy with my week.

And then came Sunday morning. The pastor’s wife taught our Sunday School class, and that morning she dedicated the class time to discussing how someone in the class had worn something terrible on Friday night. It was too fitted. It showed way too much. The person who wore it should have worn a girdle. She was so embarrassed for her…. For me. I was a size 6-8. I was 20-something with no kids. I’d never married. And the dress, apparently, though she never named me, was bad. I never wore the dress again.

Looking back now, I have to wonder what her problem was. I wasn’t dressed badly. I actually was dressed more like everyone else than I’d been in several years. I met all the rules of the dress code. Did she pick up on my self consciousness and exploit it? Was she jealous? Or was it just pure spite? If she was really embarrassed for me, if she really cared, wouldn’t she have come to me privately and expressed her concern, rather than spending Sunday morning detailing her embarrassment of the unnamed person to the class? (And wouldn’t she have done the same for whoever it was, if it wasn’t me?)

I wonder these thing now, looking back. I recently lost weight and needed new clothes. The ones I had were so large they were falling off of me. And every time I go to try on clothes that really fit, I think of that dress from nearly 20 years ago, when I was condemned for feeling pretty.

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Stumbling Blocks

Sometimes when we leave conservative groups, we’re uncomfortable doing certain things, not because we agree with the rules of the groups we left, but because the rules have been so ground into us. We’ve been taught that we might, by enjoying these things ourselves, tempt others who feel they’re sinful to also do them. Sometimes these aren’t even “radical” things. They might be things like going to a PG movie that someone disagrees with, getting ears pierced, or attending an event that includes alcohol.

The thing is, there’s nothing about any of this — how we dress, tattoos, piercings, what we watch, what events we attend — that makes them a stumbling block unless we’re pressuring those who ‘have a weaker conscience’ to do them with us…. or sneakily getting them into those events or situations without their knowledge or consent.

None of these things would lead someone else to sin, or become a stumbling block to them. My sister can be horrified that I watch a certain movie, but as long as I don’t watch it in front of her or surprise her by turning it on while she’s at my house, how would I be causing her to stumble? If I wear pants around former church friends who believe it’s wrong for me to wear pants, I’m not causing them to start wearing pants. Instead, they will be horrified and work all the harder not to wear pants themselves. I’m not making them sin.

I did find something interesting about stumbling blocks tonight: stumbling blocks can be defined as things that keep people from a relationship with God. So my pants, my make up, my choice in piercings, drinks, tattoos, or movies will not keep anyone from God… but the gossip, false judgment, shunning, etc. of former church members does keep people from relationships with God.

So which are the real stumbling blocks?

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A Few Of My Favorite Things….

What I learned from the United Pentecostal Church organization.

It seems I am always looking at the UPC in a negative way. That I wasted my years in this organization and this morning in prayer, it seemed like God challenged me to name a few things that were good about this organization. So there I sat reflecting on this challenge and came up with a list of a few of my favorite things…

1. Because I had unanswered questions, I learned to study the word for myself.
2. When I studied the standards that were taught as if they were heaven or hell issues. God showed me that a clean heart and a right spirit was more important than my stinking self righteousness.
3. God revealed his plan of salvation to me and it’s not by works but by faith in Jesus Christ. I believe that the salvation of sinners is wholly through grace. There is nothing that we can add to it.
4. When I read 1 Corinthians 11, God opened my eyes to see that my hair wasn’t magical no matter how long it is and according to 1 Corinthians 11:16, “But if anyone seems to be contentious, we have no such custom, nor do the churches of God.” This was the verse‬‬ that was supposedly in the wrong place in the Bible.
5. God doesn’t like a (church) service controlled by emotionalism but everything is to be done in decently and in order. I believe a Christians’ moderation should be obvious to others and should never lead people into extremes of fanaticism. “Let all things be done decently and in order.” I Corinthians‬ ‭14:40‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.
6. So many people fake speaking in tongues so they make up for it by making large contributions to the church and brown-nosing the pastor. Reminds me of Simon the Sorcerer. “And when Simon saw that through the laying on of the apostles’ hands the Holy Spirit was given, he offered them money, saying, “Give me this power also, that anyone on whom I lay hands may receive the Holy Spirit.” Acts‬ ‭8:18-19‬. NKJV
7. If there is no fruit being produced in a church, then you need to get out and find one that believes the Holy Spirit bestows enabling ministry gifts upon believers; and that we should show spiritual “fruit” as evidence of a Spirit-filled life. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
8. In the UPC most of the churches are involved with pastor worship instead of God worship because people are more afraid of the pastor than they are of God. I believe one of the Ten Commandments says “You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus‬ ‭20:3‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.
9. I was trained by the pastor to not have any friends outside of “the church” and to not be unequally yoked. So I often wondered how I was supposed to be a soul winner when I was not supposed to be around them. “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice.’ For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.” Matthew‬ ‭9:13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
10. Last but not least, I learned how to carry a very heavy burden placed upon me by “the church.” How to dress, how to act, what to do and when to do it. I was so busy working for the church that I wasn’t working for God. Jesus said “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭NKJV‬‬. It wasn’t until I left the UPC that I understood the meaning of a lighter burden.

So these are a few of my favorite things that I didn’t like about the UPC organization and by turning away from them, I actually found God and His mercy and grace.

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The Sacred Cows of Pentecost Part 2

The previous blog touched on some topics that were considered taboo to discuss in the Pentecostal churches, especially United Pentecostal Church and similar groups. There were other areas where one could say we gagged at a gnat and swallowed a camel.

Television: Psalms tells us not to set wicked things before our eyes. The UPCI was especially hardcore in preaching against the “idiot box” and even required its ministers to sign a statement verifying they didn’t own a television. I do remember a conversation with one UPCI pastor where we touched on television. He admitted to me many of the pastors lied about owning televisions but the district and general board usually did nothing about it.

The conversation with that pastor revealed a double standard that cuts a swath across denominational and doctrinal lines. The leadership will preach hard and fast that certain activities are sinful, like watching television. They expect parishioners to obey the teachings without question. However, the message to the masses wasn’t practiced by those who delivered it. The pastor, in his conversation with me, unwittingly exposed the man behind the curtain.

In the wake of streaming video and other services, the very discussion concerning television is a moot point now. Yet, the double standard is clear and most church members never ask about it.

Gossip: Almost every pastor I listened to preached vehemently against gossip, in particular when questions arose about possible misconduct by an elder or leader. Scriptures such as “evil communication corrupts good manners” and Philippians 4:8 (the go-to passage to silence any questioning or “negative communication”) were used to discourage “gossip” or asking questions.

Just like with television, gossip had its double standard. In one church I attended and even held license, I sat next to the pastor’s wife and daughters. In less than five minutes I was able to learn the dirt on almost everyone! The pastor should have told his own family to stifle their own tongues, but to my knowledge never did. Again, the man behind the curtain was exposed.

There are so many “sacred cows” nobody wanted to touch. but in this forum it’s a golden opportunity to openly and freely have a discussion. The more we discuss these, the more we discover aren’t even scriptural.

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Manufactured Controversy – Unintended Results

In my years attending abusive churches, it was a common practice to hear the pastor bash various lifestyles and forms of entertainment from the pulpit. In fact, it was at times encouraged to openly protest and confront those who supported those things. I wonder if we unintentionally created audiences by creating controversy.

My dad always says “If you don’t like a certain TV show, don’t watch it.” His simple approach allows for one to make his or her stand while not raising a stink everywhere else. The pastors, on the other hand, wanted us to be the “faithful watchmen” and warn everyone we met about the spiritual dangers associated with certain forms of secular entertainment, fashion, and literature. I couldn’t help but reflect on certain cultural phenomena that received massive exposure and monetary gain despite controversy.

Example 1: 2 Live Crew was an obscure rap group from Miami, Florida who didn’t receive major exposure until late 1989 when there was much controversy surrounding the lyrics in their album As Nasty As They Wanna Be. After the controversy occurred, 2 Live Crew achieved major success nationally and their coffers were much fuller than before.

Example 2: Many preachers voiced concern over the Harry Potter books written by J.K. Rowling. The protests backfired here too: Rowling’s books all became best sellers, and the movies were a hugely successful franchise.

Example 3: Legendary rock band AC/DC was blasted by pulpits for decades for songs like “Highway to Hell.” The controversy probably played a big role in that band’s success as many of their albums are on the all-time best seller lists, and AC/DC still plays to packed houses after 45 years of touring and recording.

Example 4: Since its debut in 1953, Playboy magazine has been the target of pulpits claiming the adult magazine objectifies women. This didn’t slow sales nor curb women from posing for the photos that made Playboy famous. Instead, it may have increased them.

As I reflect on these and other examples, I have to wonder. Did I help create the audiences unintentionally? Human nature often shows us people are curious by things that are considered forbidden, immoral, or illegal. The more attention given, the more curious people become. As we were out there protesting and “warning” others, we may have instead led more people into those things.

I also wonder how many of us who protested in public actually enjoyed those things in private. None of these things are sinful in of themselves, but if we have our shorts in a bunch over minor issues like these, how can we focus on the serious sin issues that not just threaten our society, but us personally? We also fail to realize that those who don’t know Christ will not receive our protests. They need to know the love of Christ first, then they will look to His example not ours.

Indeed, my dad is much wiser than many pastors when it comes to dealing with “offensive” material. It’s better to not give such things an audience in the first place.

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