Category: holiness standards | Page 8

Manufactured Controversy – Unintended Results

In my years attending abusive churches, it was a common practice to hear the pastor bash various lifestyles and forms of entertainment from the pulpit. In fact, it was at times encouraged to openly protest and confront those who supported those things. I wonder if we unintentionally created audiences by creating controversy.

My dad always says “If you don’t like a certain TV show, don’t watch it.” His simple approach allows for one to make his or her stand while not raising a stink everywhere else. The pastors, on the other hand, wanted us to be the “faithful watchmen” and warn everyone we met about the spiritual dangers associated with certain forms of secular entertainment, fashion, and literature. I couldn’t help but reflect on certain cultural phenomena that received massive exposure and monetary gain despite controversy.

Example 1: 2 Live Crew was an obscure rap group from Miami, Florida who didn’t receive major exposure until late 1989 when there was much controversy surrounding the lyrics in their album As Nasty As They Wanna Be. After the controversy occurred, 2 Live Crew achieved major success nationally and their coffers were much fuller than before.

Example 2: Many preachers voiced concern over the Harry Potter books written by J.K. Rowling. The protests backfired here too: Rowling’s books all became best sellers, and the movies were a hugely successful franchise.

Example 3: Legendary rock band AC/DC was blasted by pulpits for decades for songs like “Highway to Hell.” The controversy probably played a big role in that band’s success as many of their albums are on the all-time best seller lists, and AC/DC still plays to packed houses after 45 years of touring and recording.

Example 4: Since its debut in 1953, Playboy magazine has been the target of pulpits claiming the adult magazine objectifies women. This didn’t slow sales nor curb women from posing for the photos that made Playboy famous. Instead, it may have increased them.

As I reflect on these and other examples, I have to wonder. Did I help create the audiences unintentionally? Human nature often shows us people are curious by things that are considered forbidden, immoral, or illegal. The more attention given, the more curious people become. As we were out there protesting and “warning” others, we may have instead led more people into those things.

I also wonder how many of us who protested in public actually enjoyed those things in private. None of these things are sinful in of themselves, but if we have our shorts in a bunch over minor issues like these, how can we focus on the serious sin issues that not just threaten our society, but us personally? We also fail to realize that those who don’t know Christ will not receive our protests. They need to know the love of Christ first, then they will look to His example not ours.

Indeed, my dad is much wiser than many pastors when it comes to dealing with “offensive” material. It’s better to not give such things an audience in the first place.

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When The Church(Pastor) Invades Your Home

Recently I was reminded of several events of home invasion that took place during my time in the cult – the independent Oneness Pentecostal church I belonged to for 15 years, that illustrates the overbearing control some pastors and leaders take over the flock, the congregation, the members, and how that control ultimately leads to invading your personal life, your home, and sometimes, your person.

I would be remiss, due to recent comments, not to mention that not all Oneness Pentecostal pastors and churches do all of the things I mention in my blog. However, I believe the Oneness Pentecostal movement as a whole is a cult, and it’s doctrines lead to abuse and deception, and while I will make a disclaimer that not everything I write about is attributed to every church, it is pervasive in the system, and this is evidenced by the hundreds of interviews and contacts I have had from United Pentecostal, independent Oneness, and other Oneness Pentecostal people, not just my personal experiences.

First, let me start by asking the question, “Does the church belong in your home?”

It is no doubt to me, that your home life should be reflective of your Christian faith and convictions. We shouldn’t have a double standard for our ‘public’ life, and our ‘private’ life, but there definitely is a distinction between the two. And, as Christians, if we believe that God dwells in us, by the gift of the Holy Spirit that dwells in our heart, our being, then surely, God is in our home.

But does the church belong there, and when I say church, I mean the rules, dogmas, and wishes/commands of the pastor. For instance, in the Oneness Pentecostal church, women are forbidden from wearing pants, as they consider it unholy. They teach, that anything that splits the leg is men’s apparel. Of course, then they go on to demand women wear pantyhose..which splits the leg – but I digress.

It so happens, that this teaching prevails upon the homes too – for it has been taught, Don’t you think you can go home and wear pajama pants, and pants at home just because no one can see you. Again – this never made sense to me, because if the point of holiness in dress standard is not to cause other people to lust after you and slip up (morally) – and no one is there to see you…what does it matter what you wear? But again, I digress.

Monitoring Your Behavior

Around 2010-2011, in the church I attended at the time, the pastor was coming against the ‘dangers of the internet,’ and no one can doubt there are bad things on the internet if one goes looking for them. The approach was, and he asked me many times how to do it, knowing I was a computer nerd, to require church members who were in any way involved in ministry, Sunday School, Bus Ministry, Music, etc., to put a software on their home computers to block things that were considered ‘wrong.’ It was strongly encouraged that the whole church participated with this program, and probably the majority did. We simply did what our pastor told us to do.

That list of ‘wrong’ of course, was focused on pornography, violence, alcohol, and streaming of movies, television, etc. What was intrusive was that it wasn’t up to you install this software, or to control your own behavior. The software could only be installed by elders in the church, who came to your home to do it.

These elders installed the software with a password you could not be given, and the software could not be removed from your computer without their permission and password. Furthermore, it sent nightly emails to the pastor of your online activity, alerting them to you trying to access things that they didn’t want you accessing, and even telling them if you tried to uninstall it.

One young man in the church told me, “They did it with my tablet but as soon as I got it back I factory reset it.” They wanted this software on any phones and other mobile devices that could access the internet as well.

Of course, over time that demand settled. I would guess the majority of people got new computers and devices and never reinstalled it. I would also guess, the sheer volume of ‘monitoring’ time it took the pastor and his son (the son is now the pastor) would be overwhelming. Micromanaging people is a daunting task.

I, too, had the software on my home computer for awhile, but was tired of the restrictions and eventually reinstalled Windows to remove it. As a web designer with many ‘wine’ based clients, the software blocked me from going to websites that were about wine and it was constantly a major challenge to my business.

What has made it worse was that around 2015, the churches non-accredited private Christian school (which is just a fundraising and indoctrination arm of the church) went digital and changed curriculum, which required families with children in the church to purchase Chromebooks for their students. I’m a huge fan of digital, so this was a brilliant move to me, having children living like they were in the Little House on the Prairie times – they needed to be introduced to modern technology – but then the insidiousness of home invasion began anew. It was required that monitoring software was placed onto each Chromebook (which was not church/school purchased) so that school staff would be alerted to any young person infracting the church rules.

And even more ridiculous were the infractions. My good friend, who has disowned me because I now speak out against this church, was in charge of setting up these Chromebooks and told me “Kids were trying to look up Odyssey on there, or the weather, so I would call the school supervisor and tell her, ‘um’, you might want to go check on….”

This again is the church invading the personal and home life of its members, using control and fear tactics to keep people in line, teaching that absolute obedience to the pastor is required to be ‘righteous‘ before God. It is truly mind-boggling that a group of people (myself included for 15 years) would give another flawed and angry human being this level of control over their lives.

Letting the Preacher In

The second event wasn’t really an event, but an understanding, something the preacher would say from time to time to drive in the point of having the ‘right spirit’, or attitude of respect and obedience to the ministry.

“You should have the attitude that if I wanted to come to your home, and look through your drawers, and cabinets, and rooms, you would let me.”

This was such a devious teaching because as all of Satan’s lies, there is always this thin layer of truth covering the stink of rotten meat. In layman’s terms, the principle was that we shouldn’t have anything in our lives, and in our homes, that we would want to hide should the pastor come over. But, they spun it in such a way, that by osmosis, you would believe that he had the right to inspect your home whenever he wanted to.

It was this attitude of authority – that the preacher was God incarnate, the vicar of Christ, the authority of Jesus, the harbinger of His will.

In Family Class, which if you had children in the church’s (non-accredited) private school, you had to attend, they taught at times on what kind of underwear your daughters could wear.

In marriage retreats, several times it was covertly (via euphemisms and vague references) taught what types of sexual behaviors were allowable between husbands and wives. My pastor taught against masturbation, oral sex, and other ‘behind closed doors’ behavior, as if he had any business being there.

In other cases, several times in the church I attended, and in reports from other UPC church attendees (or previous/ ex-attendees), the Pastor would come to the person’s home after service, if that person wasn’t in church, and demand to know why he wasn’t there, all in the spirit of love and concern for his soul, I’m sure, and make sure they attended the next service.

My last example is my old pastor telling my wife how much weight she could lose. She had been dieting for some time after having our first child and was working to remove some of that extra baby cushion. The pastor met us in the middle aisle of the sanctuary, made some small chat, and then told my wife, who looked and looks great by the way, “You’ve lost too much weight, you need to stop.”

Conclusion

As the majority of my work is now focused on high-control and cult style systems, I must confess this writing is as a warning to you, who may read this, that if you or a loved one find themselves in a situation where this level of control is being demanded, it is a cult, and a very traumatic and dangerous situation to be in. It will be equally traumatic to exit but exit you must.

As with all cults and high-control systems, your exit will be just as painful as the realization that you are being controlled. Having your best friend disown you because you speak out against it. Having friends cut you off for ‘questioning’ the control. Children may move away from parents, and parents may deny their children unconditional love, conditioned on their obedience to the system.

As with the pyramid image above, these systems are a #1 – ‘We tell you what to do’, and this will often involve your vacations, jobs, purchases, finances, etc. Be wary and avoid these places, run from them, and if necessary, get your family out of them. They may not be willing to come, but over time, if you show unconditional love, they will see the difference between the offer of freedom that Jesus gave, and life has for them, vs. the demands of bondage these evil men require.

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Denying Oneself

The concept of denying oneself to “take up the cross” and follow Jesus is a biblical principle. It is the application taught in harmful religious circles that can cause so much damage and misunderstanding.

In the group where I grew up, it could mean many things. Taking up your cross meant denying yourself of food for a day or even a week, several times a year. If you were properly spiritual, you’d fast one day per week to keep your flesh “under subjection” to God’s Spirit.

It meant to give up most of the pleasures of living in general. No music outside of Southern Gospel or Classical, no ball games, no skiing for women (unless they did it in a dress), no television or videos, no plays, no puppets, no playing ball (unless it was “just for fun” without keeping score), no alcohol of any kind, nothing sparkly or decorative on your clothing (lace was the exception). There was to be no jewelry of any kind worn, and no makeup at all, including clear lip gloss or nail polish.

Some taught against any hair decorations of any kind, others limited it to sparkly hair decor. There was to be no proms and no school band if it required playing at ball games. No theaters, no go carts for girls (skirts made it indecent), and no dating without a chaperone present. There was to be no kissing, no holding hands, or touching of any kind before marriage. No trimming of the hair, and in some circles no curling of the hair with hot rollers or curling irons. Skirts had to be very long and not have any kind of splits, and sleeves had to be below the elbows at all times.

Males had to have no hair on the forehead, touching the ears, or touching the collar of the shirt. No facial hair was allowed. In my church growing up, your hair style couldn’t be any bigger than a certain measurement.

In some churches, they taught on what kind of underwear was permissible. For example, no thong underwear for women. Men were taught not to wear sleeveless undershirts, but they must always wear an undershirt. Women were taught not to wear pajamas to bed because they were “men’s apparel”.

To some, open toed shoes were sinful, and it was wrong for a man to wear certain styles or colors of ties. Some games were “wrong” to play…for example, anything with a deck of cards was wrong in one environment including Uno, while the other environment found cards okay but any game that involved dice was a sin.

One church made men and women sit on separate sides of the church. Guess which side was child heavy?

In all of these, and many more examples of “denying oneself,” there are some interesting themes that played out repeatedly. They were in areas such as clothing, eating, and spending.

Those who had enough money to do so wore the most expensive clothing they could possibly find. If they had to deny themselves in other ways, they definitely did not avoid “costly array.” They would wear lizard skin shoes, and carry ostrich covered Bibles. They had exorbitantly priced suits and dresses with very extravagant design detail. Their hair might be long and uncut, but it was styled in the most outlandish way possible. Their heels (if permitted at all) were sky high, very expensive, and definitely ostentatious. Were they denying themselves by avoiding TV but dressing in this fashion?

Eating was another area. As much as you heard it preached about the body being “the temple of the Holy Ghost” in regards to not using alcohol or taking mental health medications, there sure was no shortage of eating. I saw more grossly obese people percentage wise, at United Pentecostal Church and apostolic conferences than anywhere. I watched very hard line conservative preachers eat multiple huge plates of food at every meal at these meetings. Some who could afford it bragged about eating at the highest end restaurants and how much the plates of food cost. In most pictures of fellowship, there were plates heaped with food in front of the church members. As a result, the appearance was often grotesquely sloppy and completely unattractive to anyone they were trying to convert. “Come look like us?” There was hardly a waiting list for that.

In the final area I want to address in this article, many conservatives were lavish spenders. I described above the spending on clothing and food, but there were also flashy vehicles and fine homes. It was most common to see a church sacrificially give in order to send their pastor on an extremely expensive vacation, or to buy him a luxury vehicle. In one instance, a church member buys the pastor a new Lamborghini every year.

Deny yourself? It doesn’t sound like it. Take up your cross? Not with those name brand suits.

The inconsistency is a major factor of concern and it is sad that, like the biblical Pharisees, these people try to swat at every gnat while “swallowing” a camel. They missed the big picture while snipping threads in the tapestry.

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 2

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least four blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. All the ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group. Each person is separated between using and not using quotations. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See Part One.

What harmed me was being told I couldn’t seek help for mental illness and I couldn’t take medicine for mental illness because it could cause me to be possessed by a demon. And because I didn’t get help with the spiritual and emotional abuse for all of those years I ended up suffering from social anxiety self harm and depression. Thankfully I go to a church now that when I talked to my pastor about my problems she got me in to see a wonderful therapist and the taking of medicine for my mental health issues is okay with the Lutheran church I go to and I am slowly getting better and putting my life back together because I now go to a very loving and caring church that I thank God every day for.

Here are a few of the ways I was harmed:
Financially: My pastor told me not to leave his church in a very small, rural town. I could not find a decent-paying job… or even one with benefits. AND I paid tithes and offerings (15% as taught) on the $5-6/hr I made… and felt guilty for not giving more.

Psychologically: I was taught to distrust myself, to distrust my instincts and to think that anything bad that happened was my own fault. I learned shame and humiliation. I learned not to love my self or take care of myself because those things were said to be selfish and self-centered.

Spiritually: I learned to fear. To fear the future and to fear God in a negative way. I learned that God didn’t have my best interests in mind — that he wasn’t there to take care of me but to be served without question no matter the personal loss… and that he would not only expect, but demand that we face those losses as a way to test our faith and trust in him.

Physically: The stress I was under from the lies and the judgmentalism took a physical toll on me. It affected my health and my strength and endurance as well.

Socially: I was led to believe I should trust people in the UPC above all others and to distrust those who were not UPC. I lost friends and disconnected from family. I missed time I could have spent with Grandpa before he died, and missed good years with other members of my extended family and with real friends I had and could have had outside of the facade of the church I attended.

And… because of the rules of my church, because the pastor had to approve (and usually arrange) any relationships, I never married, never had kids, and never shared many other experiences that would have been positive and which most people would consider normal. I lost hopes and dreams and connections with others, ways to share with and interact with humanity.

I was raised UPC from the time I was eight years old until I left when I was 33.
I feel like I have major trust issues. Once you figure out everything you have been taught your whole life is a lie and you were duped and used as a door mat for nothing, it’s heart wrenching. You can’t look at people the same way for fear of being naive and taken advantage of once again.
I am cynical and critical of all churches and pastors. I never again want to open my heart up to a pastor or their family in case they are not who they claim to be.
I am leery of church comradery because people who say they are your church “family” will most likely leave you high and dry if you stop attending at any point down the road.
Just to name a few things… I’m sure I could think of more if I gave it more time!

I can completely relate to the music stuff! I was there from 9-1 every Sunday morning to sing and from 4-9 every Sunday PM. Plus any extra practices. Any thank you? Nope. Just people ragging on you if you didn’t show up because you were out of town or something! How much family time was lost while I was “giving my talent to God” every week for 12 years!?! Ugh. The illusion of my responsibility to music is a big reason why I stayed in so long.

Before attending the UPC, I loved going to church so much. I’d go to most any church regardless of denomination. I’d walk if it was nearby, I’d take a church bus. (These when young) I knew Jesus would be there, I knew He loved me unconditionally. The UPC took that simple trust and crushed it with their man-made rules and extensive fear mongering. Now, maybe I’m not good enough for Jesus to really love me, maybe I’ll lose my salvation. I have issues with trusting church leadership, I want to go to church, but don’t want my children’s simple belief in God and Jesus to be tarnished.

Second, and I’ve worked through this at this point, when we left I had no friends. I lost them, was shunned. I was so wrapped up in having the UPC as my identity, that leaving left me lost and confused as to who I was, as a person and my identity in Christ. I had to relearn how to interact with every day normal people, how to be “me” and interact in society.

Straight to the point….we felt like puppets on a string and the pastor’s wife was an evil bitch!!!! Sorry for the profanity but that’s the best words for describing her!

We were in the UPC for over 25 years and I believe it was the hypocrisy that we saw over those years that led to our leaving. I have a very hard time trusting those in the ministry because of seeing things preached against and knowing that they were doing those same things. They were always shaming people into giving more money to the church than they could afford, while those that begged for the money never seemed to go without. One day I actually started to study the UPC doctrine and opened my eyes to see it all starting to unravel. While there are some good people in the UPC the basic doctrine is flawed.

Lately, the word “robbed” comes to mind. Every time I hear the beautiful words of the gospel and how little of the Bible we were taught, and yet we were told there is no place else you can go from here, everywhere else is wrong and hell bound. I cut my daughters hair and was dismissed as someone unworthy to serve. I was treated from then on as if I wore the scarlet letter on my chest. In my mind, the group is too fault ridden to exist. It is not doctrinally sound and they only love each other.

Where do I start? I was born and raised in the UPC although my mother was not “in” church, she took us faithfully every Sunday because she did not want the shaming and guilt from my grandmother. My mom needed my grandmothers help with watching my brother and I when she was between marriages. I was pulled from both sides and in and out of church through my teen years. When I married, my husband and I got back in church and stayed for 25 years I think. He became a minister and pastor. I began to doubt the doctrine and would research and write papers on the subjects to give to my husband. I did not like raising my teen age kids in such a fragile glass house and we were shunned by the church people from parties and etc. In the end my husband ran off with a “worldly” woman and left me high and dry.
So my damages are:

1. Lack of trust in the ministry.
2. Takes me awhile to trust people or their statements of love.
3. PTSD -anxiety and panic attacks.
4. Had to learn that it was okay to love myself….still a work in progress.
5. I still study the Word for myself and do not take a man’s word.
6. I am learning that God loves me and gives me grace and mercy and is not mean and harsh and full of hate and damnation.
7. I will never step back into a UPC ever again.
8. I’m glad I found the church I attend now which we call a Body of Believers. They have accepted me and helped with my healing and forgiving process. They also leave the giving amounts up to me to decide.

Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression stemming from various teachings and indoctrination….Severe perfectionism from being taught God loves us only when we measure up. Ten years of abusive marriage because of false ideas of submission. Fear and panic attacks triggered by opinions of others since that was a key piece in the group.

My time was consumed with activity and nonstop obligations. I feel I overlooked my children’s childhood and have multiple regrets over it. Also I feel like I don’t know what to believe, who to trust, even if I could trust myself for such a long time.

I was in for about 9 years.

Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church

When one has been exposed to spiritual abuse, great harm can be done. While some escape with minimal or no injury, most do not leave unscathed. Those of us who have been exposed to it grow weary of people trying to minimize or poke fun at what we experienced. If a person has only been in a healthy church or group, they cannot relate. They will wonder why people remained or went along with some things. They simply do not understand the atmosphere in unhealthy churches, nor the harm they cause. Some others who are still part of an unhealthy church love to label everyone as bitter, rebellious, and/or unforgiving and some laugh and say we just didn’t get to sing in the choir or didn’t like the color the pastor painted the church.

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least three blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation and emoticons have been removed. All the ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group. Each person is separated between using and not using quotations. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches.

I feel like I lost time with my immediate family that could have been shared, as Jesus did – with compassion and mercy. My interactions with them (while in the organization) were more about my false appearance of moral superiority, judgement and condemnation. I’ve lost moments with them that I’ll never get back. I only have hope that our eternities will be spent together at this point.

I was taught a dysfunctional and deformed view of God, as a vengeful, rejecting, elitist, which justified me and everyone else to behave in like manner. I became that guy that cut off family, friends, and anyone who rejected our way. I taught and believed anyone who wasn’t Apostolic was a fake wanna-be Christian and wasn’t going to heaven.

Wearing Make Up? Going to hell. Wearing pants? Going to hell. Wearing shorts? Going to hell. Seeing a shrink? Going to hell. etc, etc, etc. Thus, I spent 15 years judging people instead of loving people. Sure, I’d wave, but I’d turn around and snicker – yea there’s a harlot…

I was taught to mock people who left or were different instead of following Scriptures example. Years ago a local businessman came to me and said, “I know you are a Christian, and I highly respect you, and I want to confide in you.”

This man confided his addiction to pornography to me, explained how he tried and tried to quit, the hurt it caused his family, his failings, etc. In the end, he asked me to mentor him, to be an accountability partner, to support and pray with. I told this man that if he had the real Jesus, not his fake Jesus, he wouldn’t have these problems and that he needed to come to church, get baptized in Jesus name, get the Holy Ghost and speak in tongues or he was lost to hell, and until he did those things I wouldn’t be able to be that connected and close to him.

This man was seeking Jesus, and I could have been part of that, and helped a MAN with a problem most men face. Instead? I judged, condemned and rejected like a good Pentecostal should.

It took me three months after leaving the cult to circle around to as many people as I could remember that I rejected and personally and face to face ask for forgiveness for the things I had done, said and exemplified.

I grew up with a very unrealistic view of the world around me. I was a good student in public school and a PK at home. I felt schizophrenic because the two worlds were always in competition. I attended the cult college instead of real college but thankfully met and married a wonderful man. He was clueless to all the hurt and abuse women suffer in the UPC. I was robbed of the fun and joy of being a young wife. I felt like an old lady at 30 and looked like one. So many things were not ‘allowed’. We were allowed to eat so I got fat. No makeup, jewelry, feminine things that make a young wife smile. I never fit in, my kids never fit in; not because we broke the rules but rather because we followed them too closely. I was miserably judgmental of myself and everyone around me. The peace that can be found when you leave this legalistic, self righteous group is unbelievably amazing!

…I did not even touch on the financial in my last post. From our pastor insisting we buy a van as a young married couple so we could haul people to church (and his assurance in 1973 that we would never have to make all the payments because the rapture was imminent). Then my making all our clothes, even suits and jeans because there was a cheap mill fabric store and a huge portion of our money went into the church. We shared drinks at Burger King while the pastor ate at Bennigans with our tithe. We had major life events including my husband being injured and spending almost two years in the hospital and a year of waiting for military pay to kick in while living on $40 a week from Red Cross and painting a house myself in lieu of rent. No church offered any help whatsoever. That year I had $19 for Christmas for three small children. Although we were assured we would have huge money issues and go broke if we left and did not pay tithe, we have flourished in the seven years since leaving, even though we still give to the poor and needy and those who struggle and to our own families (even those still in UPC who still struggle) but not to the fat cat preachers.

I lost my youth. I lost out on relationships with extended family before I left and now with my immediate family and most childhood friends since I left. I was uneducated, depressed and married at 20. I hated my life and didn’t even recognize it until I left.

Being a former 4th generation UPC kid and growing up under the church pews, I learned to hide who I was quickly. I learned my body should be hidden. I wore clothes several sizes too big for 27 years. If I wore something that fit me (even as a kid), it was too sexy and I would be causing some old penis to sin. I was taught I shouldn’t find interest in sports or things because the dress code for those things were “inappropriate,” I really hate that word! It was used for anything that didn’t fit the UPC mold: friendships, clothing, jewelry, heels off in church, sexuality, creativity that didn’t serve the church in some way… I was taught to not speak up, to hold my peace. I wasn’t to listen to my instincts because they were inherently evil. (I still struggle with this! It’s gotten me in some pretty awful situations over the years.) I felt I often needed to apologize to people I cared about in the church for my family’s treatment of them in the name of God. The church taught exclusivity from “the world.” I could have had some pretty amazing life-long school friends had it not been for the church! I missed out on joy, being more athletic, being a dancer, feeling beautiful, being playful, having relationships with my non-UPC family, getting help with my developmental disabilities outside a school setting, and not making plans for my future past 18. (It was a rule in our house we had to graduate high school, but I didn’t plan for marriage, college, career, kids, or anything. The rapture was going to happen! Hallelujah. Amen. Why try to dream about things that’ll never happen?!? It really made the first few years of my marriage super tough. I didn’t know how to live in the real world. I was so flipping naive! I didn’t know what I wanted to do for work, so I got fired a lot a lot! I didn’t know how to pay bills. I’d always lived with my parents. I could spend money like there was no tomorrow at the grocery store. My poor husband was/is still super patient with me when it my lack of street smarts/worldliness pops up.) There is sooo much more.

The constant call for money and giving more than you could afford caused much heart ache in our family. Even to giving our whole month paycheck to the church. Not even a thank you and it going into the big black hole that was existing at that time. My husband and BIL were asked to sign on a huge loan and they wouldn’t. That next Sunday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The church was asked who would support the pastor in anything they did or say by raising their hands. We did not of course. That’s when we were snubbed leaving that day. We had had enough. 1/3 of the church split. We were with the split. That pastor left us to go evangelize and we felt betrayed. The new pastor sent in by the UPC also betrayed us by leaving in a month. That’s when both of us gave up on the UPC. My husband went back to it after awhile but I never did.

Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

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