Category: cult | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The UnBoxing Project: Options, not ultimatums

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 11, 2015 as part of a series.

Continued from Cynthia Jeub’s story.

Several friends were part of our network that helped Ashley move out of her parents’ house. This is another person’s part of the story, in their own words.

It’s hard when someone you care about is stuck in an abusive environment. It’s worse when you feel like you could and should be helping them to get out of said abusive environment.

Unfortunately, that’s often not up to you.

Fundamentalist cults use brainwashing techniques to make people think there is no way out. Effectively, they remove their members’ autonomy and consent.

When you’re trying to get someone out of a cult, the temptation is to pressure them into it — after all, they’re stuck there, right? They need your help to get out!

Doing that will only make things worse. You’re emulating the same techniques as the cult, which means your “convincing” is only going to last as long as you’re around. It also destroys trust — how can someone who has been abused using brainwashing and consent-destroying abuse trust someone who uses the same techniques?

And before the cries of “But we’re doing it for their own good!” begin, the cult leaders say the exact same thing. They’re just trying to save the person’s soul, after all.

So what are we to do? It’s the hardest thing — you have to let the person make their own decision.

As people, we tend to think our decisions are just a little bit better than anyone else’s — after all, we don’t let our judgement get clouded, amirite? But for someone to successfully get out of a cult, and stay out, they have to know their support system isn’t just more of the same brainwashing, only from the other side.

We’re talking about informed consent here. So let your friend know you’re there for them. Let them know what options are available. The cult tells them no one outside the cult will help them; you need to show them that’s a lie. The cult tells them they’re all alone outside the cult — show them they’re not.

Notice it’s show them, not tell them. Cults love to change the meanings of words: It’s not abuse, it’s “discipline” because we “love” you. You aren’t a “captive,” we’re holding you here out of “love.” There has to be action with this, and it has to be action that is diametrically opposed to the actions of the cult.

It’s difficult — you’ll be stuck just waiting sometimes, feeling like you can’t do anything for your friend. And yes, sometimes people will choose the cult, and choose the abuse. But if those helping them are taking away their consent, how are we any different than the people currently oppressing them? We have to be different, as different as it is possible to be. Otherwise they’ll be exchanging one oppression for another.

There’s a caveat, though: If there is physical or sexual abuse happening, especially if the person in question is under 18, absolutely call the authorities (Child Protective Services or the police). That may cause them to lose trust in you for a time — but it’s better than them dying from the abuse.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that everything will work out, that everyone chooses to leave abusive and manipulative situations. It’s just not true. Sometimes, the person chooses the cult. And that sucks.

But sometimes people shake off the manipulation, the brainwashing, and the abuse. And that is the reward.

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The UnBoxing Project: Defecting from a cult

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 8, 2015 as part of a series.

Continued from Racquel’s story.

Liz was part of our network that helped Racquel and Ashley as they left the cult environment of the First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs. Here is her perspective.

Photo: Wil C. Fry, creative commons license.

Nearly two years ago, I received text messages from Eleanor about a friendship between two girls that had been recently forbidden by their religious leader.

I was asked to attempt to sneak a cheap TracFone to one of the girls at her school because I would not be recognizable to her parents, who had confiscated all her means of communication. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in class that day.

Eventually, they acquired their freedom by leaving their church behind and living with friends.

Most people assume their own community has only good intentions in mind for members. Why would we believe otherwise if an overwhelming majority of us were taught that strangers are the ones who seek to hurt us?

In reality, data suggests that most cases of violent crime and sexual assault occur between people who are at least acquainted with each other or in regular physical proximity.

In spite of statistical and factual realities, we teach our children to fear strangers. We teach them to avoid the rare anomalies but fail to teach them to look for warning signs in the mundane. This contributes to the denial in identifying abusive communities when people are a part of one.

Instead, people taught to fear the outside world might think that to leave would be worse.

The philosopher Hannah Arendt says that evil is banal. It is predictable, common, and is generally perpetuated by unremarkable people motivated by their own, typically material needs.

An intense, outward adherence to a particular ideology or manifestation of a psychological condition might be present in the situation, but neither are enough to explain why communities as a whole behave a certain way.

In other words, abusers are regular people and not the monstrous caricatures we see on TV or evil stepmothers in children’s fairy tales. There might be a few narcissists and sociopaths at the upper echelons dictating the orders, but several people who are afraid of seeking out other dissenters within the group.

With hierarchy and scale, diffusion of guilt and responsibility is inevitable. Diffusion of guilt is generally paired with resistance to collective guilt that should logically follow the diffusion.

The lower end claim to be following orders, the higher ups claim they didn’t personally do it.

It’s the same garbage that makes none guilty for abuse that many participated in. It is as if people hope that with sufficient diffusion, the amount of culpability per person is rendered insignificant. Dilution of active ingredients in homeopathic “remedies” operates this way.

Abuse as a phenomena doesn’t become significant simply because the perception of responsibility among abusers is thinly spread out because there is always someone else to blame in the eyes of the guilty such that their victims somehow become responsible for their own abuse.

What I’ve gleaned from my studies in history and politics is that there is a tendency to conceal or otherwise diminish the significance of abuses as a means of trying to protect the legitimacy and reputation of an organization such as the Catholic church, many American universities, collegiate and professional sports teams, the entertainment industry, among many other examples.

When an organization cares more about protecting its own reputation than removing abusers or helping victims, there is a reason to question the validity and value of such an institution and the complicity of people within afflicted organizations.

Even if an individual abuser recognizes the harm they cause, to reject the cultural norms is to risk being socially ostracized and possibly, their standard of living. Obedience experiments by Milgram and replicated by others show that people are generally submissive to figures of authority up to a certain point.

It is likely that people from more isolated communities would escalate punishments further when commanded by members of their community than people from the general population being instructed by a stranger because of a greater sense of obligation and desire to belong in the former.

Defection is complicated. It comes with a high price tag in both an absolute and perceived sense.

People in deliberately isolated communities are generally taught that outsiders are evil, that its their own fault for being mistreated or that victims deserve it, and that the victims aren’t being treated badly in the first place. If maltreatment is believed to be normative and benevolent it tends to make victims attempt to justify what is going on as a means of internalizing conflicting messages.

The more isolated people are, the harder it is for them to recognize their own condition and the more complex the logistics of leaving becomes.

Liz received training at a local college in her hometown so that she could teach freshmen at her high school about how to avoid and recognize dating violence, local resources for victims, and statistics regarding the frequency of rape and lack of conviction. She was also a student teacher who assisted with evening adult education courses in sexual assault escape and self-defense offered by her school to the community.

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Am I a Christian if I Don’t Go To Church?

Are you a Christian? Am I a Christian? What does it take to be a Christian? These are questions that likely have been asked for millennia, nearly two to be exact. And of course, the answers change daily based on who you ask and what that person’s belief set is, of course, is strongly influenced by what denomination they choose to belong to.

The amazing thing is – as a Christian, one simply needs to look to the Scripture to answer their own question, and of course, the example of Christ that is set before us, and by His disciples, namely Paul. Most importantly, we seek the Spirit of God to answer these questions for us, as Scripture exposes to be the right (and best) way to find answers.

“As for you, the anointing [the special gift, the preparation] which you received from Him remains [permanently] in you, and you have no need for anyone to teach you. But just as His anointing teaches you [giving you insight through the presence of the Holy Spirit] about all things, and is true and is not a lie, and just as His anointing has taught you, you must remain in Him [being rooted in Him, knit to Him].” ~ 1 John 2:27, AMP

The anointing, that remains in you permanently (sealed with the Spirit until the day of Redemption, Ephesians 1:13) is there to teach you, and to be a guide to you in answering these questions, and more. Some people call it ‘conviction,’ that feeling you get in your conscience, that pricking feeling, whether or not you are on the right path.

When being asked to answer this question, I am always reminded of a single Scripture, and it is almost always my answer:

“If any of you lacks wisdom [to guide him through a decision or circumstance], he is to ask of [our benevolent] God, who gives to everyone generously and without rebuke or blame, and it will be given to him.” ~ James 1:5, AMP

So often, we as humans need/want another human to tell us what to do. We really can be sheep some times. And likewise, as humans, we believe it is our position to tell other humans what to do. This is especially true in religious settings.

From the dogmatic and fundamental Christian mindset, it is our duty (requirement, commandment) to share the Gospel through the means of telling people when/where they have failed or by telling them how they are wrong, rather than encouraging and leading them through love. (Just think of those street signs proclaiming who is going to hell, which I highly doubt has saved anyone.)

“Imitate me, just as I imitate Christ.” ~ 1 Corinthians 11:1, AMP

For others, sharing the Gospel is not a forced issue, but something that comes organically through their human interactions, anywhere, and at any time. Their goal isn’t to point out the sinner, but to point out Christ by example to the sinner, so that others may imitate and be provoked to good works of faith because of their lifestyle (the one providing the example). After all, Scripture teaches us;

“By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you have love and unselfish concern for one another.” ~ John 13:35, AMP

Likewise, the inverse is also true;

“Beware of the false prophets, [teachers] who come to you dressed as sheep [appearing gentle and innocent], but inwardly are ravenous wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them [that is, by their contrived doctrine and self-focus].” ~ Matthew 7:15-16, AMP

Notice the intense difference? Love (focused on others) vs ‘their contrived doctrine and self-focus.’ (Look at my intelligence and ability, you should do what I say!) So my point is, Scripture makes it clear your love for others, which produces action and behaviors that benefit others, is how you serve Christ, and one another, and is in fact, being Christian. Scripture also teaches us;

“No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends.” ~ John 15:13, AMP

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you will/must physically die in order to fulfill this passage, although that may and is included in the context, by way of exemplifying Christ dying on the cross for our atonement. But it also includes your entirety. That can include your time, prayers, finances, food, clothing, shelter, heart, friendship, commitment, ear, counsel, and, most of all, love.

And most importantly, of all arguments in answering this question, is that YOU ARE the CHURCH. I am the Church. Every believer, sealed with the promise unto the day of Redemption is the CHURCH.

I remember a few weeks back meeting an older couple while sitting at the PUB (I recently wrote about this in my article Neither do I Condemn You.) and through our conversation, I learned that this wife no longer believed in Christ due to some abuse and misfortune that took place in her past. By the end of the evening, she was thanking God for our meeting, we all felt it was ordained, by God, and together we were able to minister to each other in faith-filled connection, in a Christian way.

Was that Church? There was no preacher. No altar. No offering plates. No communion. No music, choir or soloist. No piano, no organ, no guitar, bass or hymnal. There was no weeping, shouting, tongues, or interpretations. But it was Church in the truest sense of what we are to do as Christians – minister to others and exemplify the LOVE of Christ.

But am I Christian if I don’t go to Church?

Yes – Absolutely, and unequivocally, IF you are busy about your Father’s business, exemplifying the love of Christ to others, preferring others, supporting others, helping others, and being like Christ (the definition of the word, after all, is being Christ-Like). Look:

“Pure and unblemished religion [as it is expressed in outward acts] in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit and look after the fatherless and the widows in their distress, and to keep oneself uncontaminated by the [secular] world.” ~ James 1:27, AMP

And the reality is, via (non-commandment) examples of Scriptures, it is (and was in antiquity) quite NORMAL for Christians to gather and assemble, for the purpose of prayer, and support, and edification. In fact, the truest sense of the word ‘ekklesia’ originated as a Greek political assembly that came together, in body, to debate politics. This, of course, was later the word used to describe Judaic/Christian gatherings, wherein Synagogue, the Law of Moses was presented and debated, and later, Christian gatherings.

It is wrong (and equally wrong for someone to assume my teachings are anti-Assembly) to say you shouldn’t go to an assembly (today this is known as Church), or that there is no value in assembly. It is equally wrong to say that if someone doesn’t go to church (assembly) regularly, that they are not Christians.

And, let’s just be honest – people today (often) say that it is necessary for the growth and maturing of the Spirit of a person to go to Church. (eye roll) And then when challenged to provide Scriptural evidence of this (considering most early disciples were in such rural areas that ‘assembly’ was a rather rare thing), these same people may say, “But how can you edify and support one another and provoke each other to good works if you are not assembling together!”

This is likewise short-sighted and inaccurate, based on the average Sunday AM assembly of Christian ‘church’ in the North American modern era model. The majority of Churches today gather on a Sunday AM, at a predetermined time, with a predetermined schedule, a predetermined speaker with a predetermined message, preceded by predetermined songs and followed up by predetermined prayers, altar calls, offerings requests, program announcements, and dismissals, clean-up and prep for next Sunday AM.

If one attends church, listens to a single man (or woman) exercise a gift of teaching, plop $20 in the plate and goes out to lunch – how Christian are they? No more, or no less, than one who doesn’t attend that service.

I’m not about to announce my following of a man, because I follow no man, but I have admiration (in part) for a man named Francis Chan, who at one time was founding pastor and leader of a 6,000+ member mega-church, who one day realized it was all wrong and gave it up.

What was wrong? Consider this question and answer from Francis;

Cornerstone was a thriving church. Why did you resign from leading it?

We were just looking at scripture and seeing so many commands we weren’t obeying as a church. The church was really built around a speaking gift and a sermon, which is what a lot, maybe all, churches at that time were built around – and, you know, we would look at scripture and go: “Gosh, there should be so much more interaction.”

One of the questions that I asked was: “Am I part of the problem? Do people want to come and hear a sermon rather than use their spiritual gifts because I’ve trained them for that?” Why don’t I consider moving on to a more unreached place and starting something new that was reproducible, more like the underground Church in China? Something that didn’t depend so much on me but on the whole body of Christ.

Francis goes on (you can find his interviews on YouTube, Google, etc.) to describe that biblically, ALL members were to exercise a gift. The problem is, modern ‘church’ is focused around showing up and listening to one man exercise a gift and then going home, reaping the benefits but putting nothing in, and frankly, most churches/pastors don’t WANT you speaking up.

The blatant reality is that attending, and not attending, are equally valid, if you are grounded in faith in Christ, at exercising the gift’s he gave you in order to multiply and add to the Kingdom (create disciples).

“But do not be called Rabbi (Teacher); for One is your Teacher, and you are all [equally] brothers. ⁹Do not call anyone on earth[who guides you spiritually] your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. ¹⁰Do not let yourselves be called leaders or teachers; for One is your Leader (Teacher), the Christ. ¹¹But the greatest among you will be your servant. ¹²Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be raised to honor.” ~ Matthew 23:8, AMP

What is also true is that one cannot truly fulfill the commandments of Christ as a silo, a solo warrior, off alone, never connecting, interacting and edifying with other believers.

“I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too are to love one another.” ~ John 13:34, AMP

So yes – one can be a Christian without attending ‘church,’ a building, with a program (accompanied by a desperate need for you to drop money in the offering plate). However, you may not be the best YOU, you can be in Christ, if you are not regularly, and purposefully, connecting, sharpening, learning, or teaching, with other believers of your faith.

For me personally, I have daily video calls with other friends and believers where we exhort and teach each other, encourage each other, and more. I have weekly meetings with people of faith, and I purposefully seek out ways to fulfill the commandment of Christ (love one another), but I do not regularly attend ‘Church.’ Am I a Christian?

That’s up to God.

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When Extreme Churches Collide

Many of the blogs shared cover some deep, even painful topics. This one will attempt to share a lighter aspect of the abusive church environment – what happens when two such churches compete on the same turf for new converts.

The church I attended (a UPCI breakaway church) had its main headquarters in Waukegan, Illinois. This was a short drive from the Navy base at Great Lakes, and we even had a serviceman’s center on the North Chicago strip outside one of the main gates. This made it very easy for us to travel to the base and attempt to proselytize the sailors; I was stationed at Great Lakes on several occasions and was very active in the base ministry.

We weren’t the only church competing for members on the base. An IFB megachurch (Independent Fundamental Baptist) from Hammond, Indiana sent men from their Bible college to the base every weekend. Their sales pitch included inviting the sailors for a game of football or basketball depending on the season. Most of the students from the IFB church weren’t in the military, but back then it was fairly easy for civilians to access the base as it was before 9/11.

The fun started whenever we met the IFB guys and typically they would try to invite us to the sporting events. From there, the conversation quickly escalated to a debate over doctrine and whether or not any of us were going to heaven. Sometimes the debate got heated when the subject arose about which one of us was “the true church” and which one was a cult. On some occasions it nearly became a shouting match. This wasn’t really a surprise as the pastors of our respective churches were known to bash one another from the pulpit.

What did I learn from the experiences? Both churches drilled Scriptural knowledge deep in our heads, and admonished us to defend our beliefs no matter what. Both churches also encouraged us to be quick to call out who we thought were false teachers. We were also quick to call someone who disagreed with us a cult. The most significant thing I learned was that despite our doctrinal differences, the manner of indoctrination, abuse, and control was practically identical. Our tactics in outreach were basically the same, only my former church was much closer to the base. Our respective leaders were also steeped in controversy; the IFB pastor at that time had numerous allegations of abuse and control, and our general pastor did as well including prison time.

This is why survivor groups like this are important. Our stories cross denominational and doctrinal lines, and we are often more alike than we wish to think.

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When The Church(Pastor) Invades Your Home

Recently I was reminded of several events of home invasion that took place during my time in the cult – the independent Oneness Pentecostal church I belonged to for 15 years, that illustrates the overbearing control some pastors and leaders take over the flock, the congregation, the members, and how that control ultimately leads to invading your personal life, your home, and sometimes, your person.

I would be remiss, due to recent comments, not to mention that not all Oneness Pentecostal pastors and churches do all of the things I mention in my blog. However, I believe the Oneness Pentecostal movement as a whole is a cult, and it’s doctrines lead to abuse and deception, and while I will make a disclaimer that not everything I write about is attributed to every church, it is pervasive in the system, and this is evidenced by the hundreds of interviews and contacts I have had from United Pentecostal, independent Oneness, and other Oneness Pentecostal people, not just my personal experiences.

First, let me start by asking the question, “Does the church belong in your home?”

It is no doubt to me, that your home life should be reflective of your Christian faith and convictions. We shouldn’t have a double standard for our ‘public’ life, and our ‘private’ life, but there definitely is a distinction between the two. And, as Christians, if we believe that God dwells in us, by the gift of the Holy Spirit that dwells in our heart, our being, then surely, God is in our home.

But does the church belong there, and when I say church, I mean the rules, dogmas, and wishes/commands of the pastor. For instance, in the Oneness Pentecostal church, women are forbidden from wearing pants, as they consider it unholy. They teach, that anything that splits the leg is men’s apparel. Of course, then they go on to demand women wear pantyhose..which splits the leg – but I digress.

It so happens, that this teaching prevails upon the homes too – for it has been taught, Don’t you think you can go home and wear pajama pants, and pants at home just because no one can see you. Again – this never made sense to me, because if the point of holiness in dress standard is not to cause other people to lust after you and slip up (morally) – and no one is there to see you…what does it matter what you wear? But again, I digress.

Monitoring Your Behavior

Around 2010-2011, in the church I attended at the time, the pastor was coming against the ‘dangers of the internet,’ and no one can doubt there are bad things on the internet if one goes looking for them. The approach was, and he asked me many times how to do it, knowing I was a computer nerd, to require church members who were in any way involved in ministry, Sunday School, Bus Ministry, Music, etc., to put a software on their home computers to block things that were considered ‘wrong.’ It was strongly encouraged that the whole church participated with this program, and probably the majority did. We simply did what our pastor told us to do.

That list of ‘wrong’ of course, was focused on pornography, violence, alcohol, and streaming of movies, television, etc. What was intrusive was that it wasn’t up to you install this software, or to control your own behavior. The software could only be installed by elders in the church, who came to your home to do it.

These elders installed the software with a password you could not be given, and the software could not be removed from your computer without their permission and password. Furthermore, it sent nightly emails to the pastor of your online activity, alerting them to you trying to access things that they didn’t want you accessing, and even telling them if you tried to uninstall it.

One young man in the church told me, “They did it with my tablet but as soon as I got it back I factory reset it.” They wanted this software on any phones and other mobile devices that could access the internet as well.

Of course, over time that demand settled. I would guess the majority of people got new computers and devices and never reinstalled it. I would also guess, the sheer volume of ‘monitoring’ time it took the pastor and his son (the son is now the pastor) would be overwhelming. Micromanaging people is a daunting task.

I, too, had the software on my home computer for awhile, but was tired of the restrictions and eventually reinstalled Windows to remove it. As a web designer with many ‘wine’ based clients, the software blocked me from going to websites that were about wine and it was constantly a major challenge to my business.

What has made it worse was that around 2015, the churches non-accredited private Christian school (which is just a fundraising and indoctrination arm of the church) went digital and changed curriculum, which required families with children in the church to purchase Chromebooks for their students. I’m a huge fan of digital, so this was a brilliant move to me, having children living like they were in the Little House on the Prairie times – they needed to be introduced to modern technology – but then the insidiousness of home invasion began anew. It was required that monitoring software was placed onto each Chromebook (which was not church/school purchased) so that school staff would be alerted to any young person infracting the church rules.

And even more ridiculous were the infractions. My good friend, who has disowned me because I now speak out against this church, was in charge of setting up these Chromebooks and told me “Kids were trying to look up Odyssey on there, or the weather, so I would call the school supervisor and tell her, ‘um’, you might want to go check on….”

This again is the church invading the personal and home life of its members, using control and fear tactics to keep people in line, teaching that absolute obedience to the pastor is required to be ‘righteous‘ before God. It is truly mind-boggling that a group of people (myself included for 15 years) would give another flawed and angry human being this level of control over their lives.

Letting the Preacher In

The second event wasn’t really an event, but an understanding, something the preacher would say from time to time to drive in the point of having the ‘right spirit’, or attitude of respect and obedience to the ministry.

“You should have the attitude that if I wanted to come to your home, and look through your drawers, and cabinets, and rooms, you would let me.”

This was such a devious teaching because as all of Satan’s lies, there is always this thin layer of truth covering the stink of rotten meat. In layman’s terms, the principle was that we shouldn’t have anything in our lives, and in our homes, that we would want to hide should the pastor come over. But, they spun it in such a way, that by osmosis, you would believe that he had the right to inspect your home whenever he wanted to.

It was this attitude of authority – that the preacher was God incarnate, the vicar of Christ, the authority of Jesus, the harbinger of His will.

In Family Class, which if you had children in the church’s (non-accredited) private school, you had to attend, they taught at times on what kind of underwear your daughters could wear.

In marriage retreats, several times it was covertly (via euphemisms and vague references) taught what types of sexual behaviors were allowable between husbands and wives. My pastor taught against masturbation, oral sex, and other ‘behind closed doors’ behavior, as if he had any business being there.

In other cases, several times in the church I attended, and in reports from other UPC church attendees (or previous/ ex-attendees), the Pastor would come to the person’s home after service, if that person wasn’t in church, and demand to know why he wasn’t there, all in the spirit of love and concern for his soul, I’m sure, and make sure they attended the next service.

My last example is my old pastor telling my wife how much weight she could lose. She had been dieting for some time after having our first child and was working to remove some of that extra baby cushion. The pastor met us in the middle aisle of the sanctuary, made some small chat, and then told my wife, who looked and looks great by the way, “You’ve lost too much weight, you need to stop.”

Conclusion

As the majority of my work is now focused on high-control and cult style systems, I must confess this writing is as a warning to you, who may read this, that if you or a loved one find themselves in a situation where this level of control is being demanded, it is a cult, and a very traumatic and dangerous situation to be in. It will be equally traumatic to exit but exit you must.

As with all cults and high-control systems, your exit will be just as painful as the realization that you are being controlled. Having your best friend disown you because you speak out against it. Having friends cut you off for ‘questioning’ the control. Children may move away from parents, and parents may deny their children unconditional love, conditioned on their obedience to the system.

As with the pyramid image above, these systems are a #1 – ‘We tell you what to do’, and this will often involve your vacations, jobs, purchases, finances, etc. Be wary and avoid these places, run from them, and if necessary, get your family out of them. They may not be willing to come, but over time, if you show unconditional love, they will see the difference between the offer of freedom that Jesus gave, and life has for them, vs. the demands of bondage these evil men require.

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