Category: recovery | Page 15 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

What happened to Abiding in Christ? The Legalists Reformation

There are many plain messages in Scripture that reflect the attitude we are to have towards God, but one that is a foreign to an ex or current legalist, above all, is abiding in Christ. The Apostle John told us “But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you:”

John goes on to say, “and even as it [the anointing] hath taught you, ye shall abide in him.” You shall abide in Him, Christ! Not man, not works, not ritual and tradition, but Him!

So, minor confession. If you haven’t figured this out yet, much of my writing, and my purpose is to come against spiritual abuse, legalism, and cults, because they scar the soul every bit as much as sin does. I myself was a judgmental, legalist, a Oneness Pentecostal for fifteen years fully believing I had the only truth you lacked, before the realization that I was bowing down to man and not God. I lost the joy of my salvation, and I had replaced Jesus with my pastor.

I had deified man, and I worshiped man. I counted it the highlight of my church experience to sit near my pastor, or to gain his approval. I never thought ‘what if Jesus knew what I just did…’, it was always, ‘What if pastor knew about what I just did…’

But, like every cult, and every spiritually abusive, legalistic structure, the initial focus was Jesus Christ as a front for the true purpose of the system. His name is used to promote the system, but in the end, your obedience was to the man at the top, and that obedience was tantamount to salvation. We abided in our structure, and works, in our holiness (dress standards), in our obedience to a man (fervent and unwavering obedience they openly demanded), etc.

So what happened to Abiding in Christ?

Joh 15:1 I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.
Joh 15:2 Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.
Joh 15:3 Now ye are clean through the word which I have spoken unto you.
Joh 15:4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.

My largest argument with legalistic systems is that they remove the connection between God, His Son Jesus Christ and the commune of the Holy Spirit, and they (men who command control over others) replace it with with obedience to themselves, which is becoming a priest of the Old Testament in New Testament Shepherd’s Clothes.

Remember, that when Christ died, part of the ending of the Law and Old Testament structure was that the veil of the temple was rent in two. In other words, the separation between Man and God (the Holy of Holies) was removed. In olden days, only the Priest could enter into God’s presence and intervene on man’s behalf. With the death, burial and resurrection (Gospel) of Jesus Christ, we now have direct communion with God!

As for you, the anointing you received from him[Christ] remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his[Christ’] anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him. – 1 John 2:27, AMP

Modern legalists are the roadblock that stands between the Saint and God. We, as seekers of truth always seek out a teacher of Truth, and he stands before us, blocking the view of God. The problem is we accept flawed man, who says anything he wants in the name of Christ, as the teacher of Truth instead of the true vine Jesus Christ!

As a matter of example, my previous church/cult just celebrated 41 years in business, but in all that time, they have not sent forth a single preacher, evangelist, missionary, or sent sums of money to charitable organizations feeding the hungry.

Yes, I said business. It’s a for profit business. Pay your tithes, pray, obey and stay in the words of one of my favorite commentators. What is the significance?

You cannot abide in Christ, you abide in the Pastor. I was absolutely called by Christ to preach his Gospel. The four days of sleepless dreams, quickening and inspiration was nothing but a touch of God. I knew it, I prayed it, cried it, talked it to my wife, claimed my worthlessness before God, experienced excitement and dread and everything in between. When I told my Pastor?

If it was real (the calling) God would have told ME.

Thus ends abiding in Christ. How many Scriptures can we find defining that His calling, His Word, and His Spirit would come to us directly? Too many to list here.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

Teach me to do Your will, For You are my God; Let Your good Spirit lead me on level ground. – Psalm 143:10

“But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. – John 16:13

But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. – Galatians 5:18

Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path. – Psalm 119:105

One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. – Romans 14:5

You must abide in Christ alone!

The word abide according to modern dictionaries means to accept or act in accordance with. Or, in this sense, to live your live in faith to Christ!

In the Greek dictionary, the word has a similar and strong suggestion;

men’-o
A primary verb; to stay (in a given place, state, relation or expectancy): – abide, continue, dwell, endure, be present, remain, stand, tarry (for), X thine own.

To abide in Christ is to stay in Christ. Remain in Him, hold fast to Faith, believing Him and His Word. Not other men, (not even me!) or their standards, traditions or teachings. We must have Faith in Christ alone, for He alone is savior!

So abide in Christ, friends and brethren. Do not abide in the false religion of man but the truth of God!

To see more of my original work, please visit here.

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Reading the Bible after it was used to control and abuse you

I’ve been out of the Bible-based high-control group for 5 years, but still can’t read the Bible. Other than random verses I see online daily. I talk (mutter) to God daily, and think about Him a lot throughout each day, and desire intimacy with Him, and worship Him daily, and want nothing more than to experience more of His love and presence. But I am paralyzed when it comes to His Word.

To a Christian who hasn’t been severely spiritually abused this might sound crazy and garner the “well, you can’t be a real Christian then” response. But to someone who has been through something similar to what I have, they will probably understand that the Bible can trigger our PTSD. The Bible was misinterpreted, and used as a weapon. Used to make us miserable. Used to create deep fear, shame, guilt. Scriptures forced down our throat daily. Not to mention that the only translation we were allowed to read was the version translated by the sect founder! (Alarm bells ringing.)

The Bible was used to create such deep pain that I was depressed from age 7. Scriptures were taken out of context constantly. We couldn’t socialize with anyone “outside” the sect because of some obscure passage in Timothy. We couldn’t wear pants because of some Old Testament scripture where the verse next to it talks about not wearing clothing of mixed fibers. (I remember telling my Dad, post-sect, that I would remove my jeans – and change into a skirt – before leaving the house if he would remove his sweater of mixed fibers!)

I know that the Bible is a love letter from God to His earthly creation (I have done a lot of research on its legitimacy). But my body and mind still react in fear when I see all-too-familiar verses. After I had been “out” for about 3 years I was determined to read the Bible like a good little girl and so I printed the Bible out on A4 pages so that I would not be triggered as much because it wouldn’t look like a bound book. I still went into cognitive-mode (as opposed to heart-mode) and numbness. And I read it like a text book, with no feeling. I was still in have-to mode.

Very recently I decided to listen to the audio Bible so that I wouldn’t be triggered by reading. This was my second attempt at overcoming my fears, indifference, and disinterest. It was better than the first attempt. I felt like my heart was engaged and I was actually interested in the scriptures for the first time. However, I listened to the audio Bible once, then not again for the last 4 weeks. So, there is still a blockage.

I have asked God to remove the blockage. That the scriptures will be brand new to me, as if I have never seen them before. I am actually jealous of atheists, Muslims, etc who convert to Christianity and read the Bible for the first time. I’d love for the Bible to have no trauma associated with it. No baggage. No fear. The audio Bble I listened to was The Message translation. I chose that translation because I wanted the scriptures to sound very different from what I was used to so that they wouldn’t trigger PTSD. It helped a lot. Most of the verses sounded very different from the translation I was raised with (which was similar to KJV).

It’s still a journey to disconnect from the past. Our body and mind remembers. I have a measure of peace that God understands (although I do have the odd day where I think I’m not saved because I have indifference towards the Bible. My scrupulosity kicks in.) I crave connection with Him. And I am angry that the Bible has been damaged for me. It will pass as more healing comes. God works healing miracles every day.

I tend to stay away from Christian circles because I feel guilty – the vast majority of Christians don’t understand my predicament and look in horror if I mention that I don’t want to read the Bible. It’s too difficult to explain. I rest in the fact that true love comes from overflow, not obligation. The Father wants children, not slaves.

(This was difficult to write, and to post, because I am ashamed and feel that I will be judged. Especially as most ex-cultists seem to have no problem reading the Bible. But hopefully this helps someone know that they are not alone.)

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Struggles with faith and doubt

When I first left my former church, I thought I wouldn’t struggle with doubts or faith. I never thought I’d come to a point of wondering whether God was real or cared about me. I was wrong, and here are some reasons why:

When I left, I hid some of my feelings, my doubts and fears. I was busy proving to myself that I was still a Christian, and I was very good at it for awhile. The problem with that is that I could only maintain the facade for a time, not forever. Eventually the fears, doubts, and questions came out, and because I’d hidden them from myself for so long (well before I left), they kind of came out in a big jumbled mess, making them perhaps more difficult to deal with.
When I left, I kept thinking that I would get answers, find resolution, be healed, and see new success. None of that happened, and since people had promised God would do these for me or promised these to me, I blamed God when they didn’t happen. I became disillusioned… and that disillusionment hit around the same time as the facade fell.
After leaving, I was told too often by both myself and others to just get over it, to move on… to BE as though nothing had happened that changed my life, my thoughts, my beliefs. Walking out of that church had the effect on me that dropping a bomb on a small town might have to the survivors–I lost friends; family dynamics changed; the culture, beliefs, and perspectives that shaped a good deal of my life were suddenly in tatters; the place I’d considered safest was now seen as most dangerous–the world was turned on it’s head. “Get over it” and “move on” are absolutely ridiculous expectations in such cases, no matter how much we want to do just that.
I suffered from ‘shell shock’–I’d hear similar things to what I’d come to recognize as danger and ‘duck for cover’ so to speak. Most people did not recognize the signs of this and didn’t want to help or admit that this might be a problem… it was perhaps as difficult for them as it was for me to admit that someone could get PTSD from a church. And they and I both thought that exposure to a similar but more positive environment would ‘fix’ the problem. It didn’t.

Unreasonable expectations are behind all of these. It wasn’t until I stopped expecting things to go a certain way that I started regaining real hope. And yes, you read that right. I actually find myself having more hope since I stopped having these expectations. Not hope that everything will be OK, not hope that things will be ‘fixed’… this is a different kind of hope, or maybe more of a peace, than Christians I’ve known seem to talk about. Maybe more of an acceptance. This is what happened. This is what is. And though I have no idea what will be, I can be OK with that. And I think God is, too.

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Does God crush you like a rose to make perfume?

Someone wrote to me recently about songs that ask God to “crush me,” “wreck me,” and “consume me,” saying,

If God can abuse his bride, yet tell her that it is for her good, of course a husband can do that to his. And both blame her for not trusting.

This reminded me of the popular teaching that just as the sweetest perfume comes out of crushed roses, God wants to crush us like a rose so He can make perfume like that. (<– Several links there.)

As if somehow our lives would become more pleasing to God if He crushed us.

And apparently, from the songs she was referencing, that’s a pretty popular notion.

Read the full untangling of this teaching at Here’s the Joy . . .

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When it’s hard to pray

Sometimes, when I share my blog posts, I receive comments that I find heartbreaking, such as “I’ve tried praying, but I can’t feel God’s presence or sense He is answering… I don’t know what I’m doing wrong… I’ve given up.”

I know that these are sincere, open-hearted, genuine people, but very sadly, some of them have received judgment and even condemnation when they’ve dared to express themselves honestly about this issue. They fear they’ll be accused of not having enough faith, or of harbouring some secret, unconfessed sin or be told to fast more or “try harder.” Sometimes, other well-meaning souls will inform them that they shouldn’t try to “feel” God’s presence at all, but to content themselves with an intellectual knowledge of His existence.

However, none of these responses takes into consideration the context in which these individuals find themselves: each of them has suffered tremendous spiritual abuse at the hands of a toxic Cult or a religious High Control Group. Imagine if you’re speaking to someone who has been sexually abused; wouldn’t it be understandable if they then go on to struggle with intimacy?

In a similar way, many victims of spiritual abuse find it incredibly difficult to pray, because so many things that are related to prayer are now emotional and intellectual triggers, leading to confusion, soured memories and great pain…. Initially, we close our hearts in order to protect them, but sometimes we end up shutting them up altogether…

Many cults equate the group with God himself, as they presume to speak for him and dictate every detail of people’s lives. This means that even things like God’s name or the question of who to pray to can be very difficult for those who have left. People who have stayed in the group may accuse us of turning our backs on our Creator, and we want to assure them that this is NOT the case, but untangling who God really is can take time and isn’t easy.

I do not claim to have all the answers to these difficult questions; it’s taken me a long time to pen these words, as I have no solution to offer, no magic words or silver bullet.

However, what I can say is that after traumatic experiences and great disappointment, our spirituality often changes, maturing and becoming less dogmatic and closed minded. Our heart is stretched to breaking point, now able to stand in compassion alongside other victims of abuse.

In fact, none of us has the right to stand up like a Pharisee and tell other people how to pray or what they’re doing wrong. When someone shares with us that they’re having trouble praying, we don’t need to “fix” them; it’s better just to listen with grace and mercy, not “helpful tips,” advice or criticism.

If the opportunity seems right, other people may be encouraged to hear of our own spiritual journey towards Christ. It’s probable that we’ve all experienced times of dryness in prayer, when we’ve had to press on despite not feeling God’s presence or peace. As Jesus walked through the desert for 40 days, we also follow a similar path at certain points in our lives.

Having the courage to say “I find prayer hard” is an enormous step. We need to know the encouragement of other people on the same journey in order to stay sane. Christianity is a “team sport,” in that we were not designed to sit alone, struggling in silence.

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