Category: recovery

Is Your Faith Being Hijacked By Controlling Leaders?

Have you ever asked yourself ‘How did I end up here? What choices did I make that brought me to this moment?’ You might have asked this about your marriage, your job, some circumstance in your life that when you got there – it left you bewildered and confused. It felt like it was out of your control – like you were a puppet and the one pulling the strings was a hijacker – it doesn’t feel like it was you.

This is something I’ve heard many times about faith and spiritually abusive church structures – that it (faith) was taken over by controlling spiritual leaders who directly manipulated the steps taken by an individual, who then face a moment in time when their faith is in crisis. I’ve even asked the question, “Am I really a Christian (follower of Christ) if everything I do is the dictates of another flawed human being?”

One pastor told a young man, “Until I feel your unwavering loyalty, I will not give you one of my girls.”

To put this into context – the young man had asked the pastor of the church he attended for permission to marry another young lady in the church. The first and immediate response is that it isn’t the pastors choice – but in a system that hijacks your faith, they teach that it is the pastors choice.

In this scenario, the pastor simultaneously claimed ownership of a young lady, who was not his daughter, and claimed control over the actions and future of a young man in the church. The Bible says that we are to be led by the Spirit (Romans 8:14) and that when we need wisdom we are to ask God for it. (James 1:5)

More importantly, a Biblical command is to honor your father and mother (Exodus 20:12) and that in Bible terms, headship looks like this:

GOD
CHRIST
HUSBAND
WIFE
CHILDREN (presumably)

Ephesians 5:23

In the scenario of the young man and woman, the young man never spoke to his parents to seek permission to marry this young lady – and truthfully he didn’t need their permission, but following Biblical patterns would have given them much more authority in the matter. Instead, that process was hijacked by a controlling pastor.

How can your Faith be Hijacked?

I have now spoken with hundreds of people who have come out of or are coming out of spiritually abusive and controlling churches via this blog, my YouTube channel and social media groups, and the answers have been the same across the board – Fear.

Question: “What made you stay in that abusive relationship for so long?”

Everyone has identified with one or more of the following reasons.

The list can actually continue on for quite a ways but fear is always the preeminent cause for an individual to stay in a controlling/abusive relationship. This is equally true for most physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse victims.

Over time, the control and abuse are normalized in the mind of the victim, even craved. Someone who lacks self-discipline may feel they need someone controlling their actions for them. That person is a prime target to be taken advantage.

For instance, the young man in our story had to choose between being controlled by a manipulator and agree to his terms in order to retain the love he felt for a young lady and marry, or reject being controlled and thereby lose the love of the young lady. (This is a true story in case you were wondering.) The choice was clear – obey my wishes or I take away something from you as punishment.

This is hijacked faith. Two young people should seek counsel in their choices, although they have no obligation to do so. Their parents and friends should be step #1 – and certainly seeking spiritual counsel is also wise – but none of those people have the right to say other individuals can or cannot get married.

The Tragedy of 9/11

In thinking back to the hijacking of four American planes on September 11th, 2001, where thousands of people had their lives hijacked by the evil will of others, I considered the connection between those events and hijacked faith.

When the passengers of those planes realized what was happening, they were left completely choice-less and powerless over their future. What was going to happen was out of their control – and while the initial thought is that someone in a spiritually abusive and hijacked situation has a choice, those people did not – you may be shocked to realize that that choice was mentally robbed from them (the young couple) every bit as much as the passengers on those planes.

When someone is convinced that heaven and hell are real and that their admission to one or the other is entirely defined by their obedience to the pastor, they are intellectually and emotionally robbed of free will and choice.

This takes time to be brainwashed into believing this – but just like our scenario with the young couple – she was so convinced of this she told the boy she would not marry him if he disobeyed the pastor. A husband told his wife, “Either we leave this church or there is a real possibility we won’t make it.” The wife responded, “Sorry, I’m not leaving the church.”

These people’s faith and future have been hijacked by terrorists, terrorist men or women who wear the clothes of a shepherd, which turns out to be a much better disguise than sheep’s clothing for the wolf.

Recovery

Just like real life hijacking events – the only way to recover is to overcome the force of the enemy – to bring to bear enough power and effort as to overwhelm those who would hijack your faith and future.

What does this mean for the Christian who is involved in an abusive church or religious organization? It means getting a firm understanding of who YOU really answer to!

Matthew 23 is one of the most powerful indicators of what our Lord Jesus Christ thought about men who would place themselves upon pedestals, take credit, demand obedience and authoritative respect. His response to those types of people was to proclaim to His disciples NOT to be like that.

Mat 23:8  But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. Mat 23:9  And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven.  Mat 23:10  Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. Mat 23:11  But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

Jesus Christ is your father, your lord, and your master. Not another man, who is as equally flawed as you are. And before it enters into your mind that ‘Yea but God gave us Pastors and we are supposed to obey them’, read again Matthew 23:8-11. This was Jesus telling his Apostles (above Pastors in the food chain) ‘Neither be ye called masters.’

The word here for ‘master’ is the Greek kath-ayg-ay-trace (G2519 in Strongs Dictionary) which means guide, a teacher. Others use it as authority. Neither be ye called authorities.

1 Corinthians 11:1 Imitate me as I imitate Christ.

This was Paul saying to follow his faith, follow his example and I would remind you Paul never demanded ‘unwavering loyalty for the permission of marrying.’ Paul never used dictatorial control of his disciples. Rather, he expressed the love of Christ and knew he was answerable to Christ.

Paul went on to express what Biblical headship is, which gives us guidance as to who we are to be loyal to;

1Co 11:3  Now I want you to realize that the Messiah is the head of every man, and man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of the Messiah.

Recognize and realize that our obedience is to Christ, our Messiah, and savior! It is Him we must please and nowhere did Jesus say, ‘If you obey the commandments of men, you will be saved.” In fact, he said quite the opposite.

Mar 7:7  Their worship of me is worthless, because they teach human rules as doctrines.’

John 15:10  If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.

Lastly, the commandments of Christ were quite specific – love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor. Paul told us in Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

What was it that Jesus did? He came to bear the burden of our sin. He gave himself for each of us and thus, he gave all Love to God and to his neighbors. If we do the same, we abide in Christ’ love and have the Father.

If we are obedient to Christ, we are obedient to God. Let no man deceive you and hijack your faith by the claim that you must be obedient to them! Paul asked people to follow him, he didn’t demand it. Any man who claims you cannot please God without first pleasing him is a robber of God’s grace and a hijacker of your faith! Do not let them, but put your faith in Christ and Christ alone.

Jesus Plus Nothing = Everything

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How can you be a Christian and [do a certain thing]

A couple years ago a friend posted on Facebook, “How can anyone call themselves a Christian and [do a certain thing]?” If I named the ‘thing,’ it would cause an argument even now. The Bible is silent on the matter she was referring to.

Her statement upset me. I’d left a church where you were “backslid” if you did or even thought certain things. And suddenly I was hearing the same type of thing again, from people who were supposed to be healthy Christians. “How can you be a Christian and wear stretch pants?” “How can you be a Christian and not tithe?” “How can you call yourself Christian and not go to church every Sunday?”

I’d heard eerily similar things in my former church, though there they were statements: “You’re backslid if you wear pants.” “You’re backslid if you don’t tithe and give at least 5% offering.” “You’re backslid if you aren’t in church every time the doors are open.” They were overly judgmental statements meant to control by fear. Fear of losing out with God, of being a bad witness, of being declared not good enough. And so when I started hearing similar statements from mainstream churches and Christians, I was angry.

The questions are not, “Why do you think like that? Why do you do that?” in a way that would lead to open discussion and consideration of other perspectives. The questions are meant to shame, to shut down the other person, and to draw into isolation or polarize. The questions are not healthy… they are actually abusive.

I do not want to be a part of that abuse anymore. I don’t want to be abused by it and I do not want to be the abuser. I will not draw lines in the sand that indicate who is and isn’t Christian based on perspectives on stretch pants or skirts or tithing or church membership. Definitely not politics or social stances.  What makes a person is no more or less than whether or not the person believes and has put their faith in Jesus. That is Christianity. Other things have to do with denomination, theology, philosophy, or maturity, perhaps, but not Christianity.

I was asked on a survey if I was a Christian… and I hesitated. Christianity has come to be tied to some pretty bad things for me. And above all, the question rang in my mind, “How can you call yourself Christian and…” My belief in God and my faith in Jesus hasn’t changed. But in my mind, the term “Christian” has.

Someone stated half-jokingly recently that she was not a Christian, but a Jesusian. I like the term. I’m no longer a Christian. I’m a Jesusian, too.

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When churches silence, part 2

I sat in the counselor’s office physically shaking. I’d left the church eight years before, but remembering it… I still physically shook as I described what had happened. And I barely mentioned most of it. I’d been stalked in the church. I didn’t mention that the stalking had been accepted, even laughed about. Or that no, it actually wasn’t the first time I’d been stalked in church… it was just the first time that I was concerned for my physical safety.

I’m beginning to realize that the church is still silencing me.

“Don’t talk bad about the man of God.”
“You wouldn’t want to be a bad witness.”
“We have to protect the truth.”
“I wouldn’t want to hurt them.”

It’s difficult to shake those thoughts even after leaving, and I still think about them even while knowing that I must speak out, in private or in public. I’m still careful. I don’t want to shake anyone’s faith. I don’t want people comparing our stories and thinking theirs wasn’t ‘bad enough.’ Every story is valid, and every story should be heard.

Silence doesn’t stop molestation, stalking, backbiting and gossip, authoritarianism, or narcissism. It doesn’t stop favoritism, judgmentalism, threats, blackmail, negative peer pressure, or manipulation. It doesn’t help people who are hurting, who think they are alone – the only ones, surely, who’ve been hurt by an entity acting in the name of God. And it doesn’t prevent more people from facing similar situations… again, and again, and again.

How many people have been affected by spiritual abuse? We can’t know for sure. The church is silent.

When churches silence, part 1
When churches silence, part 2
When churches silence, part 3
When churches silence, part 4

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When churches silence, part 1

I sat in the counselor’s office in an intake interview, trying to get her to understand why I might want to be in a spiritual abuse support group. It’s been 18 years since I was thrown out of a church, but when I started explaining that time, I was hesitant. By the time I explained what finally prompted me to leave, I realized I was physically shaking.

Even after blogging, even after the newspapers covered stories, even after talking to person after person online, even after talking to others in person, even after eight years, even after eighteen years… even after… I was shaking. A day later, I’m still a bit shaky inside.

Will they understand?
Will it make a difference?
Can I trust them?
Will they believe me?
Do I even believe myself?

The church has been silent. It was silent when I was expelled on a lie. No facts were checked. The organization the church was part of was supporting the church I was in to some degree. I called headquarters. I knew people there… and I was told that every church was autonomous. I was told (though they knew as well as I that not every church in the organization would accept me. I’d been branded, kicked out of a church. “We don’t want trouble.”  The person I knew at headquarters told me to just go find another church. And not to talk about it. “Just move on.”

I heard that too much.
“Just move on.”
“Don’t talk about it.”
“There’s no need for anyone to know.”
“We’re trying to protect you.”
“Don’t tell what happened — we don’t want people thinking badly of you.”
“Just hold your peace and let the Lord fight your battles.”
“Just pray about it.”
“If you say anything negative, it’s gossip.”

Why? Why would people think badly of me if I told the truth? If I defended myself?
Since when is it gossip to tell the truth?
How can there be healing or change if no one ever talks about what happened, no one acknowledges the wounds, and everyone pretends nothing at all happened?

When churches silence, part 1
When churches silence, part 2
When churches silence, part 3
When churches silence, part 4

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When the church betrays us, pt 7

Even after I walked out of that last church, the one that I’ve written the most about in the past and the one that finally did the most damage to me and others, I tried to find another Pentecostal church to attend. I still believed they had The Truth. I still believed that they were right about everything but maybe had just made a mistake or two. Surely the problem was just a person or two. Surely it wasn’t widespread.

I called. I asked pastors if I could please go to their churches. Only one agreed to let me come. I asked the pastor there to do just one thing: don’t tell people where I’m from. I was greeted at the door by a member, “Oh, you must be Mary from ____ church! What happened? I know people there. I’ll ask.” The pastor had already told them where I was from. The gossip had already begun. And then the pastor smilingly told me that he understood that I didn’t want to talk about it, but that he knew some things about that church, himself, and he thought we ought to go out to eat and ‘swap stories.’ I knew then that I would have to leave Pentecost.

It took me 19 years.

What do we do when the church betrays us? I stayed as long as I could. I stayed longer than I should have. I finally left. But the ongoing impact of what happened has remained. I don’t have any answers for what to do when church betrays us, but there are some things that churches and Christians in general can do to help:
Listen.
Believe us.
Don’t pressure us to participate, to join, or to share. Give us time.
Love us. Not with a “You’ll go to hell if you don’t do what I say!!!” ‘love’ but with genuine compassion and mercy.
Provide opportunities to belong to faith communities outside of traditional ‘church.’
Remember that not every wound is visible, and not everyone will say they’ve been hurt. Be kind to everyone, whether they believe like you do, or act like you, or are members of your church or not.

What can we do, we who’ve experienced betrayal? Perhaps the same things.
Don’t pressure yourself, and don’t pressure others.
Give yourself and others time.
Believe yourself. It’s hard for some of us to believe that we really went through something ‘that bad’ in a place we thought should be good, but it happened. Believe yourself.
Trust your instincts.
Love yourself and love others with genuine compassion and mercy.
Be kind.
Remember that others may not see your wounds. You may not even be aware of all of them at first. It’s OK. It’s OK if it takes time to heal. It’s OK if you feel worse the second day than the first. Healing takes time. Growth takes time. And sometimes both come with pain. But it’s OK.
Be patient with others and consider their perspectives. They may not believe like you do or act or dress like you, but there may still be much to learn from them.
Be willing to diversify your friendships. Having friends with other opinions doesn’t speak badly of you, but instead gives you an opportunity to learn more about yourself as well as them.

Peace to you.

When the church betrays us, pt 7
When the church betrays us, pt 6
When the church betrays us, pt 5
When the church betrays us, pt 4
When the church betrays us, pt 3
When the church betrays us, pt 2
When the church betrays us, pt 1

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