Category: mental health | Page 6 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The Forming of the Psyche: Patterns that keep us down

In my own personal therapeutic recovery, I have come to understand some important truths about why I am who I am, and what causes me to function in ways that I’d like to overcome.

For example, I’ve been trying to work through why I assume I know what people are feeling, just by judging from body language and facial expression. Why do I get up and leave at the first sign of conflict, or freeze when I’m unable to get away? Why is it that I experience anxiety so severely that it affects my physical health at times? Am I naive about the intentions of predatory people, or do I just freeze when I get those predatory signals? What causes me to stay in situations where I feel unsafe? How is it that I can feel so emotionally numb when I’m trying to spend time with those I love? What causes me to freeze into silence when I’m around my extended family or in a religious setting?

These questions, and others, recently led me into a very deeply informative session with my therapist. Assuming that I knew what a loved one was thinking and feeling brought me into a confused state, as I saw how wrong I was. My therapist, having worked with me for three years, knew much about my life growing up and my background of spiritual abuse. He pointed out to me how this ability and talent to read others was a very adaptive skill for when I was in the abusive environments. My physical and emotional safety depended, oftentimes, on being able to properly read these cues from parents and religious leaders. Later, this ability allowed me to keep my children from worse abuse from their father, and made me hyper-aware of his moods in order to try to maintain a safe environment. Though I often failed in that protective role, I was able to prevent things from being worse than they were, by that adaptive skill I learned in childhood. However, now I no longer need this adaptive coping mechanism in my daily life. New relationships are with healthy individuals who will plainly tell me if they feel angry at me, and be upfront, safe, and secure about it. The skill that I once needed for survival is no longer helpful, but in many ways has become a detriment in my relationships with healthy individuals.

In my many years of experiencing the power of male anger in a world where females were subservient or “submissive,” that anger was destructive. Avoiding it at all costs was important. Even female anger from an authority figure could be damaging. As a highly sensitive individual to start with, it wasn’t just the slaps and posterior beatings that I feared. It was the shame…the condemnation…the spiritualizing of human errors as sin. If I angered someone in an authority role it meant I was “sinful” in some way…”a nagging wife,” “not submissive,” “rebellious,” “lazy,” and other accusations could be thrown at me if I managed to anger someone in authority in any small way. This is the power of spiritual abuse–being able to apply spiritual context to things that are not, in fact, of a spiritual nature, in order to control others. So, after being born into such an environment, and spending over thirty years of my life entrenched in these situations, is it any wonder that my innate response to anger is to flee, or to freeze? Anger is traumatic in my inner world.

Anxiety has been my haunting nemesis throughout my recovery. It seems that I can never get away from it. Although I’ve made tremendous leaps of growth and have become highly functional in the facets of life that were formerly unknown to me, I daily battle anxiety. My best new coping skill is avoidance. If I can avoid the anxiety triggers, I’m able to maintain calm and functional life skills on a daily basis. However, it is unrealistic to be able to avoid all triggers and still live in the world. Learning to handle stressful situations in a professional and appropriate manner doesn’t mean that the inner anxiety is non-existent. In fact, the very fact of learning to stay in the situation and outwardly handle it appropriately instead of running away comes at a very high price. Nightmares haunt me after such events. Strange physical reactions occur that have no medical explanation–like the most recent, waking in the middle of the night with full body tremors that were uncontrollable and involuntary. Full blown panic attacks that left me gasping for air and grasping my chest in pain. The embarrassment and helplessness of such incidents is tremendous. I hate not having control of my body and my emotions. However, when trauma is in one’s past, these are not controllable issues. The body responds to the stressor with or without your permission.

I have been re-traumatized repeatedly by trusting unhealthy people in my life, from church situations to job related incidents, and on to friendships and personal relationships. In almost every one of these cases since leaving the spiritually abusive environment, I appeared to be naive in my trusting of these individuals and then experiencing their abusive advances. As I sat in my therapists office discussing why I am so “naive” and “gullible,” I didn’t get any concrete answers. It was only later, when reading a book for work, that the answer came to me and I knew the truth. It is not naivety that has landed me in these situations. It is the trauma in my past. Back in those times, I coped by freezing because I could not run away from the situations nor could I fight–for running away would be “backsliding” and fighting would be “rebellion,” both severe sins that would send me to hell. Freezing was my only option. Along with the freezing, I would use self talk to keep me from running–“Don’t be dramatic, everything is fine,” “don’t make a mountain out of a molehill,” “don’t be dirty minded, he’s not hitting on you,” etcetera. As a result, I was able to keep myself in situations that were truly unsafe, but it kept me from the condemnation that was so powerfully used in spiritually abusive environments. These learned responses to unsafe situations have followed me into my present functional life. It isn’t that I’m not able to recognize the un-safeness of a situation, but rather that I’ve been conditioned to stay and endure the situation. Learning to listen to that inner alarm bell and allow myself to flee in such situations is an ongoing work in progress.

I recently became aware that feeling emotionally numb is an aspect of post traumatic stress disorder. Although, to my knowledge, I’ve never been formally diagnosed with this disorder, I definitely could diagnose myself with it. The inability to be fully present with those we love is an important indicator of traumatic stress from the past. I have noticed this aspect in my life repeatedly. Although it affects my relationships with friends and extended family, the worst part is how it affects how I relate to my own children. I work very hard to overcome this and my children have a very close and warm relationship with me. Inside myself is where I feel the numbness. I have a child who is grown and gone from home. I’m continually amazed at how little I worry about this grown child compared to other mothers in similar situations. Days pass where I don’t even think about this, my own flesh and blood, my beloved firstborn. Suddenly, out of my dazed fog will come a frantic worry when I realize I haven’t spoken to him in a week, or when I start calling and get no response. In these moments, I “come awake” to realize how much I love my children and want to be present with them in the moment. Yet, far to many evenings the numbness drives me to fall asleep with only a few words exchanged between myself and my teens still living in my home. Sleep has become an escape for the numbness. This saddens me and drives me to continue seeking help to fully engage in the present.

Silence is a friend, a refuge of safety to where I run when I’m feeling unsafe. More than simply my introverted nature, I find myself retreating to silence when I’m with my extended family or in religious groups. The fully engaged student or career woman who has no trouble speaking up and sharing an opinion at work or in the university turns into a silent figure of stillness in these environments. Safety is the key difference. In the world of my extended family, I’m unacceptable. I’m “backslidden,” and anything I say can be used against me. I have to guard every word, every topic, every opinion. I’m not accepted for who I am. In the religious world I currently inhabit, it is possible that they would appreciate me for who I am, yet years of spiritual abuse have taught my heart, and trained my mind to find religious people judgmental and un-accepting. My primal brain urges have been so trained throughout the years that my thinking brain cannot compete with the anxiety that arises in such situations. I freeze. I’m again that little girl who couldn’t be accepted for who she was, and I’m again awash in the pain of that rejection. So I freeze. I’m silent, thinking my own thoughts, and waiting anxiously for the moment when I can flee the situation that gives me so much discomfort.

I am the way I am for a reason. I needed to guard myself from my environment when I was growing up in a spiritually abusive environment. Now that I am out, there is so much re-programming that needs to be done. I am not confident that I will ever have “normal” responses, but step by step I am working on allowing my brain to relax and learn new ways of dealing with stress.

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 4

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least five blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. The ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group as well as one from the IFB. Each person is separated between using and not using quotation marks. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See also Part One, Part Two and Part Three.

Only a robot could come through what we’ve all been through unscathed and without a myriad of mixed emotions, regrets, issues and more to unpack and sort through.

For a very long time, I have been contemplating whether or not to share my story on here, but I feel like it’s time. My biological father joined the UPC when I was around 13 years old. We believe he has bipolar disorder and the structure and strict nature of the church catered to his mental processes. As I got older, I began to realize how warped everything was. He would comment on the size of my chest and say that I needed to “work extra hard to be modest.” He would financially manipulate members of the congregation and our pastor in order to get what he wanted, and since he was a big strong man, everyone feared him.

I specifically remember one night I made him especially angry. I was talking too much, and women are to be seen and not heard. Five years later I was diagnosed with ADHD so it was truly out of my control. He took me by the forearms and threw me against a wall, giving me a concussion. He took away my phone so I couldn’t call for help. But it was all okay because I was “disobeying the Lord so I needed to be punished.” I was so scared for my life that I contemplated climbing out my second story window to run and get help. The next day, I tried to tell my youth pastor about it and all he told me was that I didn’t have the marks to prove it. This wasn’t the only time. Many times I would go home to my mother’s house with bruises, fat lips, and other injuries. He spanked me until I turned sixteen and left. Quite soon after joining the church, my bio father became involved with my babysitter, a woman from the church who was eighteen years younger than him (whom I despised). He told me he was going to marry her. That was the tipping point.

Three years later and many blocked numbers, emails, and a name and address change, he will still occasionally show up at my work or find a way to contact me. I work at a Texas Roadhouse in Wisconsin, and I see a lot of people from my old church come in. Almost all of them have tried to get me to come back. I would tell them what my father had done and no one ever believed me- up until one day, when I was sweeping my section and Jennifer happened to be in the section over with her husband and recognized me. We ended up talking for at least an hour about escaping UPC. It was so great to have someone who not only believed me, but understood what I have gone through.

I guess my message here is that it does get better. I used to go into full blown mental breakdowns when he would show up at my work. Now, I have the ability to have him removed from the premises (I’m so thankful for my managers) without the bat of an eye. I have a stepdad who has agreed to legally adopt me as an adult and loves me more than anyone else has. I have a new family through him, and I have this group as a wonderful support system. Because of the UPC, I developed Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s now being treated, and I feel more in control of my future. The church no longer affects me, nor has any power over me. I am grateful to see members from my own former congregation in this group who knew him and the trauma he incurred. After I left I realized just how much the church enabled him, but they didn’t win- we did…..

The stories never end. I always cared for my mother, who lived on $780 in social security, I paid for her phone, medicines, often groceries, etc. And still, the pastor told her, she needed to find a way to pay tithes and offerings.

Sick men, who shopped at Sacks 5th, all family members drove BMW’s, and they made a little lady with $780 who couldn’t afford to live, support them.

My issues happened in an IFB church with a cult-like family. I am STILL IFB.

1. The Bible is now filled with landmines and concepts I’m now terrified of. Prayer is the same way.
2. I was called a harlot for being interested in the man who is now my husband, and it still crosses my mind if I didn’t marry the wrong person because what if I didn’t wait on God and I just married the first person that liked me back, as I was accused of.
3. I would go into full-on panic attacks when a man walked into my place of work passing out tracks
4. I truly thought it would be better for everyone else around me if I was dead. I caused problems for the wife because her husband was always cutting things off because of things I did. And I couldn’t get him to stop. He wouldn’t stop, but for me to back out of the friendship (cult) would hurt her so deeply….it would have been better for me to die….but I couldn’t do it
5. I’m currently unable to handle the idea of the calling that God has called us to (missionaries) because of triggers….but then again, my (future) husband and I were told that with women that had emotional issues like I had, may never make it to the field……..
6. I’m afraid I will never be where I should be spiritually and that God has/will just put me on the shelf…and that that will affect my family

I was yelled at for hours by a man who we had deemed was an authority in my life since my parents weren’t Christians. He had me do chores in his house to keep me away from his wife because he thought I loved her in a sexual manner. He wanted to keep me away from his teen boys because he accused me of fantasizing about them throughout a church service (even forced me to “admit” it once), but he wanted me to spend as little time at my parent’s house because they weren’t saved, and thus a bad influence. He accused me of looking at the billboards and forced me to stare at the back of the seat with my head down when in their vehicle, yet insisted on inspecting every article of clothing that I wore. He told me to burn a skirt… I still remember it was black with little blue flowers and green leaves… because it was too short. It went to mid calf when sitting. He told me to get rid of my heels because they are prostitute shoes, and certain shirts (that his own wife bought me) because he decided they were too tight. What’s strange about it? Goodwill is still a trigger. His wife took me shopping before Bible college and I had several outfits that were fitting for a homeschooler going to Bible college…but those times were special. When I see Goodwill (etc), I think of those times and they hurt…. Then it triggers the anger of what her husband did. But it hurts deeply and I can hardly set foot in a Goodwill without panicking, 10 years ago this summer.

I remember the summer after freshman year… Six days before I was supposed to start courting the man who is now my husband… The man convinced my (now) husband to break things off. I was broken that summer…but I wasn’t supposed to contact any friends from college because they were a “bad influence.” There was to be no contact with my now-husband, though the wife (my friend/mentor) contacted him to find out how his dad was doing since he was supposed to have quadruple by-pass surgery. The man, Randy, assumed that I had made contact with my (future) husband. He berated me over and over again, hurling threats of things he would take away or things he would do that would make my life miserable. At one point…he called my future husband and started berating him. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door….lights off, I huddled up on the floor against the door and sobbed…. He was calling the man I loved, the one I wanted to marry but knew I had hurt so deeply… Now Randy is tearing him apart, causing him more hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it.

It was later that summer that they broke me enough to the point that I had decided I wasn’t ready for a relationship and maybe this wasn’t the man I’m supposed to marry. The only reason I was allowed to go back to Bible college was because I thought I wasn’t ready, the wife had contacted my future husband and he said he wasn’t ready, and that there was a good chance he wouldn’t make it back sophomore year right away due to finances.

My husband too went broke due to the UPCI and his ex wife’s beliefs that were drilled into his head from a young age. She was paying thousands of dollars a month into the church to “build” her and her parents status in the church, but the bills at home weren’t being paid on time and he was laid off from time to time due to work flow! We are free from that church now, nothing has struck us down, and almost five years later the bankruptcy that the “Church” put them in is finally paid off next month! We still tithe to our current church, but not for any other reason as we budget it and it’s not out of our reach!

Part Five.

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Harmed In The United Pentecostal Church Part 2

In two groups, I asked people to share how they were harmed during their time in the United Pentecostal Church. People were also able to respond who exited a different group. I received enough responses to make at least four blogs. These are used by permission and are anonymous. Some responses have been edited for spelling and punctuation. All the ones included in this part were from the UPCI or other Oneness Pentecostal group. Each person is separated between using and not using quotations. After reading this series of posts, perhaps many will better understand some of what can happen to people in abusive churches. See Part One.

What harmed me was being told I couldn’t seek help for mental illness and I couldn’t take medicine for mental illness because it could cause me to be possessed by a demon. And because I didn’t get help with the spiritual and emotional abuse for all of those years I ended up suffering from social anxiety self harm and depression. Thankfully I go to a church now that when I talked to my pastor about my problems she got me in to see a wonderful therapist and the taking of medicine for my mental health issues is okay with the Lutheran church I go to and I am slowly getting better and putting my life back together because I now go to a very loving and caring church that I thank God every day for.

Here are a few of the ways I was harmed:
Financially: My pastor told me not to leave his church in a very small, rural town. I could not find a decent-paying job… or even one with benefits. AND I paid tithes and offerings (15% as taught) on the $5-6/hr I made… and felt guilty for not giving more.

Psychologically: I was taught to distrust myself, to distrust my instincts and to think that anything bad that happened was my own fault. I learned shame and humiliation. I learned not to love my self or take care of myself because those things were said to be selfish and self-centered.

Spiritually: I learned to fear. To fear the future and to fear God in a negative way. I learned that God didn’t have my best interests in mind — that he wasn’t there to take care of me but to be served without question no matter the personal loss… and that he would not only expect, but demand that we face those losses as a way to test our faith and trust in him.

Physically: The stress I was under from the lies and the judgmentalism took a physical toll on me. It affected my health and my strength and endurance as well.

Socially: I was led to believe I should trust people in the UPC above all others and to distrust those who were not UPC. I lost friends and disconnected from family. I missed time I could have spent with Grandpa before he died, and missed good years with other members of my extended family and with real friends I had and could have had outside of the facade of the church I attended.

And… because of the rules of my church, because the pastor had to approve (and usually arrange) any relationships, I never married, never had kids, and never shared many other experiences that would have been positive and which most people would consider normal. I lost hopes and dreams and connections with others, ways to share with and interact with humanity.

I was raised UPC from the time I was eight years old until I left when I was 33.
I feel like I have major trust issues. Once you figure out everything you have been taught your whole life is a lie and you were duped and used as a door mat for nothing, it’s heart wrenching. You can’t look at people the same way for fear of being naive and taken advantage of once again.
I am cynical and critical of all churches and pastors. I never again want to open my heart up to a pastor or their family in case they are not who they claim to be.
I am leery of church comradery because people who say they are your church “family” will most likely leave you high and dry if you stop attending at any point down the road.
Just to name a few things… I’m sure I could think of more if I gave it more time!

I can completely relate to the music stuff! I was there from 9-1 every Sunday morning to sing and from 4-9 every Sunday PM. Plus any extra practices. Any thank you? Nope. Just people ragging on you if you didn’t show up because you were out of town or something! How much family time was lost while I was “giving my talent to God” every week for 12 years!?! Ugh. The illusion of my responsibility to music is a big reason why I stayed in so long.

Before attending the UPC, I loved going to church so much. I’d go to most any church regardless of denomination. I’d walk if it was nearby, I’d take a church bus. (These when young) I knew Jesus would be there, I knew He loved me unconditionally. The UPC took that simple trust and crushed it with their man-made rules and extensive fear mongering. Now, maybe I’m not good enough for Jesus to really love me, maybe I’ll lose my salvation. I have issues with trusting church leadership, I want to go to church, but don’t want my children’s simple belief in God and Jesus to be tarnished.

Second, and I’ve worked through this at this point, when we left I had no friends. I lost them, was shunned. I was so wrapped up in having the UPC as my identity, that leaving left me lost and confused as to who I was, as a person and my identity in Christ. I had to relearn how to interact with every day normal people, how to be “me” and interact in society.

Straight to the point….we felt like puppets on a string and the pastor’s wife was an evil bitch!!!! Sorry for the profanity but that’s the best words for describing her!

We were in the UPC for over 25 years and I believe it was the hypocrisy that we saw over those years that led to our leaving. I have a very hard time trusting those in the ministry because of seeing things preached against and knowing that they were doing those same things. They were always shaming people into giving more money to the church than they could afford, while those that begged for the money never seemed to go without. One day I actually started to study the UPC doctrine and opened my eyes to see it all starting to unravel. While there are some good people in the UPC the basic doctrine is flawed.

Lately, the word “robbed” comes to mind. Every time I hear the beautiful words of the gospel and how little of the Bible we were taught, and yet we were told there is no place else you can go from here, everywhere else is wrong and hell bound. I cut my daughters hair and was dismissed as someone unworthy to serve. I was treated from then on as if I wore the scarlet letter on my chest. In my mind, the group is too fault ridden to exist. It is not doctrinally sound and they only love each other.

Where do I start? I was born and raised in the UPC although my mother was not “in” church, she took us faithfully every Sunday because she did not want the shaming and guilt from my grandmother. My mom needed my grandmothers help with watching my brother and I when she was between marriages. I was pulled from both sides and in and out of church through my teen years. When I married, my husband and I got back in church and stayed for 25 years I think. He became a minister and pastor. I began to doubt the doctrine and would research and write papers on the subjects to give to my husband. I did not like raising my teen age kids in such a fragile glass house and we were shunned by the church people from parties and etc. In the end my husband ran off with a “worldly” woman and left me high and dry.
So my damages are:

1. Lack of trust in the ministry.
2. Takes me awhile to trust people or their statements of love.
3. PTSD -anxiety and panic attacks.
4. Had to learn that it was okay to love myself….still a work in progress.
5. I still study the Word for myself and do not take a man’s word.
6. I am learning that God loves me and gives me grace and mercy and is not mean and harsh and full of hate and damnation.
7. I will never step back into a UPC ever again.
8. I’m glad I found the church I attend now which we call a Body of Believers. They have accepted me and helped with my healing and forgiving process. They also leave the giving amounts up to me to decide.

Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression stemming from various teachings and indoctrination….Severe perfectionism from being taught God loves us only when we measure up. Ten years of abusive marriage because of false ideas of submission. Fear and panic attacks triggered by opinions of others since that was a key piece in the group.

My time was consumed with activity and nonstop obligations. I feel I overlooked my children’s childhood and have multiple regrets over it. Also I feel like I don’t know what to believe, who to trust, even if I could trust myself for such a long time.

I was in for about 9 years.

Part Three
Part Four
Part Five

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A Real Look Inside a Victim of Spiritual Abuse

I am working on learning to be vulnerable and honest about what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. However, the world at large is not a safe place in which to be vulnerable. That is why I write under a pen name. I can be honest and open with the world and yet be protected. That is the beauty of this site, this ministry of healing, this safe place. No one can hurt me when I’m vulnerable here.

So, today I’m going to be real honest and open. I’m going to give my readers a chance to view the results of 35+ years of spiritual abuse, that eventually morphed into physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological, and even sexual abuse. I’m learning that no human can pass through the fire without being burned. Everything I have faced has left scars, wounds, and horrifically altered my being forever.

Sitting with a friend over a meal recently, she shared her agnostic beliefs with me and asked me specific questions about what I believe, after all I’ve been through at the hands of religion. I told her, remarkably, “I don’t know what I believe anymore. There were so many lies. So much deception. So much pain and betrayal. The only thing I know is that I believe there is a God, and I believe that Jesus is the son of God who came to earth to die for our sins. Beyond that, I do not know anymore what I believe.” In that moment, I felt so odd. I wondered “How did I get here?” I felt a bit like a “heathen,” given the many years of indoctrination I had, and the fervency of my dedication to the cult for many years. On the other hand, there was a feeling of peace and realization, that, in mainstream religious circles, I’d just stated the very essence of being a Christian. It made me realize that I hold onto what really matters and the rest is now fluid for me.

Research

I was at a training event for work last week, where the effects of fear on the brain were related by an expert. The results were astonishing. When a person lives in a constant state of fear for a period of time, the brain produces large amounts of cortisol to counteract the stress and provide balance. Early life stress disturbs the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, and this can cause a person to be more likely to have psychiatric issues as an adult (Carpenter, Shattuck, Tyrka, Geracioti & Price, 2011). In some severe cases of abuse, the child’s development is interrupted and their brain develops permanent damage due to the abusive actions of adults in their lives. They develop severe mental illness that can cause them to become psychotic, or to become a psychopath or sociopath. This is interesting, in light of the phrase that I heard after my children were abused by their father. I was still in the cult, and the preacher involved did not like it that my children and I couldn’t just “snap out of it” after escaping the abuser. He once made a statement that “so you were abused. Get over it. Many people have been abused.” Obviously this was an uneducated and asinine comment.

There is a reason for the depression and anxiety seen in my own life and that of many other victims of spiritual abuse whom I’ve encountered. There is a scientific explanation. People who experienced greater amounts of childhood emotional abuse also have more increased depression symptoms, especially when they have ongoing life stressors. Therefore, studies have shown that emotional abuse is truly a risk factor in our reaction to stressful life events (Shapero, et. al., 2014). Spiritual abuse has not been studied as much as other forms of abuse, but it definitely has an emotionally abusive element. It has been discovered, however, that spiritual abuse has many different facets and layers of experience that affect the biological, psychological, and social, as well as the spiritual realm of a person (Ward, 2011).

For those of us raised in a cult, many of us suffered various types of abuse, both in childhood and as adults. It is no wonder, then, that we suffer from depressive symptoms, anxiety issues, and sometimes even more debilitating mental issues. In my personal experience, adjustment disorders have plagued me throughout my adult life, exhibiting with both depressive and anxious symptomology. Here, I want to describe what it is like to feel these symptoms in relation to the past spiritual abuse and emotional abuse combined:

Depression is a dark, weighted cloud that sits on my soul. It consistently tells me there is no hope, and it holds me in misery. I can’t shake the sadness, or the feeling that my life is over… wrecked… beyond repair. I’m able to pinpoint that these religious leaders and specific abusers from my past have ruined my life, but I also feel completely broken and inept at everything in life. I can be making straight A’s, functioning at a high level, as far as daily living, and still feel like I am a complete and utter failure.

I sometimes feel I’m doomed to this darkness drowning my soul forever. I often cannot feel anything outside of an emotional numbness that causes me to be unresponsive to what is going on around me. Sometimes it becomes a pervasive sadness that has me crying over everything that happens, even if it isn’t a negative event. At times, it keeps me from feeling happy or celebrating clear victories or positive events. The inner voice plays down the positivity.

Many times when the depressive feelings overwhelm me, I feel the urge to kill myself. The most common feeling is to have this strong impulse to stab myself in the chest–likely because my emotional heart is feeling so much pain it feels like I’m already being stabbed in the heart inside, but there is no one to witness the event or care. Shame messages from childhood and religious leaders haunt me. I’m flooded with messages such as “you wouldn’t be in this situation if” and “it is all your fault for leaving the church.”

Other thoughts that commonly flood my mind at those moments include “You are a hot mess,” “you are too sensitive,” “you need to pray through,” “things will never be better–you are scarred for life,” “who do you think you are to think you deserve better?” “you are just an emotional female,” “I wish I were a logical male,” “what if my problems are a punishment for not being good enough,” “I wish I could have more faith,” “I’m not a strong person. A truly strong person could live up to all of the rules to earn the blessings of God.” Many other thoughts flood my mind in those dark moments.

I usually feel physically heavy, especially in my chest. I often get a headache. I don’t have any energy to be productive during these moments, and often I just feel like sleeping to hide from the world. Sometimes I will eat large quantities of chocolate or other comfort food to try to alleviate the pain. When going about daily life, in that state, I often have impulses to pull out in front of a fast approaching semi truck, run my car into a telephone pole, jump off of a cliff, run away from everyone I know and live out of my car with my children, or some other equally harmful impulse. Instead, when I get to that point, I go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant so that I can function and cope with the stress.

However, I know many others who cut themselves to find release, or contract eating disorders that cause them to binge, purge, or both. Others who are afraid to get medication may self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs. Some have difficulty holding down jobs or meeting daily living demands due to the crippling depression that they cannot shake. When we feel this kind of depressive symptoms, we feel horrible and it makes us snap and growl at those around us who love us. Sometimes it can drive them away, yet we truly need their unconditional love more than anything else in these moments.

Anxiety has often been described to me as the “flip side of the coin” in regards to depression. I have noted that this is often the case in my own life. My medication keeps the depression at bay for the most part, but the anxiety will often trigger depressive symptoms or vice versa. Anxiety is terribly painful as well. Sometimes there are panic attacks, where my chest hurts as if I’m having a heart attack. I will become short of breath, feeling like I could possibly pass out or die. I will often become dizzy and the anxiety level is so high that I’m terrified and cannot find a reason for the anxiety at times. Sometimes my legs will become shaky, or my hands will shake uncontrollably. All of these things are signs of a panic attack and are not anything I’m in control of, but are physical symptoms of the high levels of stress hormones produced in my body.

Common triggers to a panic attack occur in church services–comments made, guilt inducing messages, judgmental comments, anything that takes me back to my spiritually abusive past. These physical responses are my body’s way of telling me that I’m in danger again. Anxiety also makes me fearful, hyper vigilant, and pours energy into my body through adrenaline. I will have bursts of highly productive energy induced by stress, followed by extreme tiredness and inability to stay awake. Sometimes there is an impending feeling of doom that has no concrete basis in real life.

Thankfully, I am able to know that my body and my feelings are betraying me and I can differentiate between reality and the panic. However, many people cannot tell the difference and too much anxiety can lead people to become delusional. Because of the bursts of adrenaline and the body’s need to relax afterwards, people who suffer from anxiety can appear erratic or inconsistent in their productivity. Some people have lost jobs, or at least been marginalized by society for the inconsistent patterns of functioning that are observable in their lives. In my case, when I had the severe panic attacks over several days time, my doctor prescribed a few pills of a low dose anti-anxiety medication. However, I took only two and kept the rest for future reference, as anti-anxiety medications are commonly abused and can be addictive. I generally use relaxation techniques to reduce my anxiety levels. Yet some people experience such severe anxiety that they have to have an ongoing anti-anxiety medication.

I have learned some very helpful coping skills to deal with my depressive and anxious symptoms. I have been blessed to have several amazing therapists who have helped me learn to cope better with the stress. Many others do not have the luxury of truly helpful professionals to aid them in managing their symptoms, and they suffer from far more debilitating symptoms as a result.

The conclusion of my emotional/mental responses to my past abuse is that I have finally come to terms with the fact that I do have scars that may never go away. I am prepared to take medication for the rest of my life, if that is what I have to do to function and have a happy life. I no longer feel shame about seeing a therapist, and I do so as much as needed…as long as my insurance covers it. My friendship field is smaller than some, due to mental health stigmas, but I have honest, loyal, and trustworthy friends who support me.

I have vowed to NEVER, EVER darken the door of another church in the abusive religious group I escaped, other than my own family member’s funerals–and even then, I’ve given myself permission to get up and leave when I feel threatened. I attend church only when I feel capable of handling any triggers, and I reserve the right to get up and leave if I feel stressed. I talk to God about my stress and my past, as well as my current beliefs, and I feel that He understands the resulting chaos of religious leaders who abuse…after all, Jesus was personally acquainted with the Pharisees, and angered by the way their actions affected the people. Occasionally I try something new that is legal but was “forbidden” by my church growing up. If I like it, I make it part of my life. If I dislike it, I choose not to do it in the future.

Overall, I focus on enjoying the freedom to say “no,” or to accept things without the ruling of any spiritual or familial leader telling me what to think or do. I feel angry and bitter at leaders who have hurt me in the past–yes I do–but I work on letting these things go and focusing on my own health and recovery from abuse as much as possible. At times there are new stressors or events that take me right back to the past I’m trying to avoid. In those times, I give myself a lot of patience and I refuse to feel guilty as I process my anger and fury for what happened. Then, as soon as I can, I try again to put the past behind me and keep living in the present.

This is my journey. Yours will be different.

Carpenter, L., Shattuck, T., Tyrka, A., Geracioti, T., & Price, L. (2011). Effect of childhood physical abuse on cortisol stress response. Psychopharmacology, 214 (1), 367-375.

Shapero, B. G., Black, S. K., Liu, R. T., Klugman, J., Bender, R. E., Abramson, L. Y., & Alloy, L. B. (2014). Stressful Life Events and Depression Symptoms: The Effect of Childhood Emotional Abuse on Stress Reactivity. Journal Of Clinical Psychology, 70 (3), 209-223.

Ward, D. J. (2011). The lived experience of spiritual abuse. Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 14 (9), 899-915.

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