Category: mental health | Page 5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V

“Jane” grew up in a home where mom was the leader of the house. Jane describes her mom as “an angry, ranting kind of person”. Jane’s mother had “gone through a lot as a child” and got into the apostolic church because she was impressed with how it changed her own mother from a promiscuous adulterer into a moral person.

There were four children in the home, and Jane was the only girl. Jane grew up scared of any deed or thought that might be somehow a “sin”. In her church growing up, she was also taught that if a person wasn’t healed when they prayed for healing, it was because of sin in their life. She said that she was taught the belief that if anyone said “anything wrong, they were going to go to hell at any moment”. This kind of fear was how she lived her childhood. In her church in Texas, they were taught that all the other apostolic churches (much less any other denominations) were “all hell-bound because they didn’t have enough standards. They were lost”. She states that this was hard to accept, because she had some really tremendously nice great grandparents who were moral and loving individuals, but were Catholic. She said she’s often wondered “Why were they doomed to hell?”

Not only did Jane receive a lot of messages of shame and condemnation at church, she and her siblings attended the church’s school, where “mom had to work for free in order for the kids to go to the church school, but the kids had to go to the church school if the family went to church.”

In the middle of this shame inducing nightmare, Jane suffered more than most other children. “The pain I had at home made me more sensitive” to the messages of condemnation. You see, Jane was being molested by her older brother for most of her childhood, unknown to the adults in her life. Her brother that was molesting her was six years older than her and would appear in her bedroom at night to sexually abuse her. She says he was about eleven years old when it started, which meant she was merely five years old. Because of the abuse, those messages at church brought even more shame to her than they did to other children in the same environment. The fear and condemnation was overwhelming for her. She describes a day when her mother was not at home when she arrived home and she was terrified that the rapture had taken place and she had been left behind because of her “sin”–the abuse that was out of her control.

Not only was Jane a victim of her brother’s sexual abuse, but her cousin, who was a year younger, was also molested by him when the cousin came to visit the family. Still, the secret did not come out at that time.

During these dark times in her life, where her secret abuse ate away at her and the shame and condemnation made it impossible to find refuge in church or at school, Jane often found encouragement through fortune cookies at the local Chinese restaurant. She says, “God sent me encouraging messages through fortune cookies”. These messages were such a powerful ray of encouragement in the middle of her pain, that she kept the little slips of paper and still has them to this day.

Finally, Jane hit puberty and her brother found a girlfriend and moved out of the home. Her physical and sexual nightmare had a reprieve. Still, when she was at church, hearing about hell and how everyone outside of her little church group was going to be lost forever, it puzzled her and tugged at her tender, loving heart. “I must care about my friends more than God does, because he’s ready to torture them in hell.” This thought pulled at her mind and she could not wrap her head around how this could be true.

Eventually, Jane moved to another state, married and had children of her own. However, her sexual abuse continued to haunt her and cause problems in her life as an adult and in her married life. Her husband was very supportive and they have managed to work through things as they come along, but Jane began having severe physical issues as an adult. She had to undergo surgeries and treatments, and still suffers from seizures at times. She says she feels that all of that stress and trauma from her childhood affected her health permanently.

Indeed, professionals who work with trauma agree that it can have severe physical indications. Bessel Van Der Kolk, in his book “The Body Keeps The Score” recounts the tremendous amount of research on this subject. He specifically discusses seizures as one of the problems seen often in people who have suffered years of childhood trauma. In another study, “The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study“, research was done on participants who had health problems, and it was found that there is a tremendous link between childhood abuse and trauma experiences and the person’s health later in life.

In the story of Grace, in part III of this series, you may remember that she shared just a few difficult experiences she went through as a child. She was later diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma, at the young age of 28, and underwent surgery to remove her kidney, as well as suffering from several female issues and life time struggles with anxiety.

Although spiritual abuse is just one of many types of abuse, the risk to health and well-being is clearly evident. One cannot constantly inject a child with shame, fear, and condemnation without that child suffering a lifetime of consequential issues from that experience.

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV
Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse V

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse IV

“Ginger” is a beautiful young lady, talented and poised. The story she shared with me was in drastic, shocking contrast to her appearance. It was unimaginable what she had gone through as a child, what she continues to experience as an adult.

In Ginger’s case, it wasn’t the church who administered the worst part of the spiritual abuse–yet spiritual abuse it undoubtedly was. She describes that “Everything in life was about trying to obtain a spiritual experience, (speaking in tongues).”

Ginger remembers watching as her mother made her older sister give up a beginning career in modelling to pray “for eight hours every night in order to “get saved”. Her sister still had to work eight hours a day at another job. After many months of sleep deprivation, the older sister finally decided to pretend to “be saved”. Is this not torture? Is this not the type of techniques used by the Gestapo, and by other groups who torture prisoners until they finally give up out of physical misery?

Ginger notes that she saw her sister lose the next 22 years of her life to constant prayer, going to church, no dating, and no hobbies. She was 42 when she finally left the home, then ended up lonely, never married, and too old to finish her modelling career.

For Ginger, it all began at just five years of age. She recalls “Sometimes, we had to sit in a cold, dark closet and pray for several hours. We could not ask to come out because she would say that we “were not interested in Jesus”. We were supposed to pray until we showed some sign of “being saved”. That must have been grueling and difficult for a five year old girl.

She recounts how she was in the closet with her other sister, closer to her age, and that eventually “one time my sister stumbled on a few words and my mother thought that she was speaking in tongues.” Ginger says mom then announced that the sister was “saved”. Not content with that small victory, Ginger’s mother then began to use this to torture the little five-year-old, by saying “everyone in this house is saved except you. You’re the only one who is going to Hell.” Ginger remembers that this was the constant narrative until finally, her mother realized that the sister was not really speaking in tongues.

What does that do to a five year old? Can you imagine her sensitive little heart and the threat of hell, just because she had not spoken in tongues?

She goes on to describe how, as they grew older, “things became more strict. During the summers, we’d have to pray from immediately after twelve noon into midnight with few or no breaks. Once, I had to use the restroom and my mother said “go to the restroom, but I hope that you don’t go to Hell while you are in there”.

What kind of anxiety inducing insanity is that? Using the restroom is a human physical need and here we see her being shamed for having physical needs. We see fear tactics being used without any regards to physical human needs.

Ginger tries to explain her mother’s actions by saying, “Breaks during prayer were frowned upon because the thought that it was the Devil’s excuse to stop a prayer. Therefore, any time that a child asked for a break, they thought that it was the Devil speaking through the child.” This line of thought is hardly rational, so where did this belief come from? There is nothing remotely biblical about this philosophy.

Also, attending games, concerts, etc. were not allowed unless it was required for school. Dating was prohibited. In fact, if Ginger or her sisters even mentioned that they wanted a husband, she took it to automatically mean that they didn’t want God. Interestingly, Ginger stated that her father was not in her life, nor was any father figure in the home. This brings her mother’s opinion about marriage into question, as far as motivation. Was her own past experience jading her view? Yet, as most who perpetuate spiritual abuse, she turned her opinions into a “spiritual” cause, in order to control others.

Ginger reflects that “Sometimes, my mother would play games to see if I was Christian enough. One time, she made a song about me going to Hell and decided to sing it over and over to see if I would react.” What kind of mother does that? She continues to describe these “games”…”Another time, she pretended to be dead to see the manner in which I would react.” These descriptions are reflections of the manipulative nature of spiritual abuse. Using fear and shame to shape someone’s decisions and life are not Christ-like techniques to win the lost. These are tactics used in manipulation. These are abusive tactics that took a “spiritual” twist.

Ginger says that “Studying for school was okay, but mom would sometimes try to stop me from reading textbooks because she believed that the Bible was the only book that should be read.” There are other cases where pastors preached against reading any fiction books. In some cases, the pastor would tell his congregation that it was not okay to read any books without his approval. Why is this so? Think about the history of books in Nazi Germany. Why were there book burnings? Books hold the power to expand the mind and affect one’s beliefs. In order to control Germany, there could be no freedom to read books that might disagree with Nazi philosophy. This is an age-old tool to controlling the minds of people. The Bible is important to read, undoubtedly. However, other books can be necessary as well. Jesus gives us freedom to choose. How can one have freedom if mind control is being used?

Ginger’s mother did not stop the abuse when her children reached adulthood. By then, she had a strong control over their minds. Her manipulation tactics were so powerful that, even then, she held them firmly under her thumb. “She kept changing the rules as to when someone was old enough to move out of her home. At first, she said it was after high school. When I graduated, it became the age of 21. When I was turning 21, my mother suddenly received a message from God that I should never marry because “God doesn’t like marriage”. She also changed the age that I could move out to 25.” Here again, what was with the hatred towards marriage? Is it not possible that mother had some unresolved issues with marriage that tainted her view of the subject?

Ginger continues to describe her early adulthood in the home. “During those years, I also had a very strict curfew. Mom had to open and close all doors upon me entering or leaving the house. I could not talk to anyone on the phone without her knowledge, and I wasn’t allowed to do any hobbies for too long without her interrupting and telling me that I was putting the activity “before God”. During this time, I received interviews at the Peabody Conservatory and the Julliard School to study music, but my mother completely prohibited this, saying that I would “go to Hell” if she could not see me, to verify that I was reading the Bible and praying.” Do you hear the control in this? Is this really about spirituality? Is there truly anything righteous in this? What about the command to “save yourself from this untoward generation?” Mom felt she alone was in control of Ginger’s ability to be saved. What a terrible burden to take upon oneself!

Ginger describes how she finally broke free. “Finally, I figured out that she would never let me leave, and I moved out suddenly at the age of thirty without her expecting it. She had a lot of verbal tantrums over the phone, excluded me from a lot of family activities, and gave a lot of silent treatment before she accepted it. She still checks on me from time to time to make sure that I’m ‘still a virgin’.” That last sentence is beyond insane. This is an attractive, intelligent, and successful woman in her thirties, yet her mother still insists on trying to control her from afar. Instead of being proud of the fine young woman she has become, she continues to inquire about private parts of her life and to put her down for her choices to be independent and healthy.

Ginger says that her mother learned most of the rules from the United Pentecostal church they attended, but that they did not see how her mother acted in the home.

She does recall that, “some of our neighbors also attended the church and they didn’t think anything was wrong. I could sometimes hear their kids screaming while being brutally spanked.”

She shares that the church did have slightly different rules on dating. “They allowed it, but only in public and no touching. Also, the woman didn’t have to be attracted to the man but she was still encouraged to accept the date.”

When I asked Ginger how she is affected in her adult life, she shared that she has had to block her family on social media, and she just visits occasionally. She says “I can only have a normal life by keeping my life separate and only visiting on the holidays.” She says that one sister is still trapped, living at home with mom, and that her sister acts maliciously towards Ginger because Ginger has found freedom.

I was impressed with what Ginger has accomplished in her life, in spite of this traumatic upbringing. To be robbed of one’s childhood is a great tragedy. Children must be allowed to play and to explore as part of normal development. To deprive them of this in order to make them pray for so many hours a day under fear of hell fire is terrible child abuse.

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse III

In my career as a social worker, we have case studies that we use to examine a person’s life story in order to assess and evaluate how to best help the individual. When we are sharing with other professionals, we give the individual client a made up name in order to protect their privacy.

I have chosen this method to introduce to you some people I have known who have shared with me their stories of being raised in a spiritually abusive environment. Because of being raised in such a climate, many of these individuals still have parents or other family members who are in these groups, and therefore do not want to be identified in a public blog, due to the very difficult task of trying to maintain family relations with loved ones who are still in the group. I have honored their need for confidentiality.

Grace was born into the spiritually abusive environment she now believes to be a cult. Her father was a United Pentecostal Church ordained minister, and both grandfathers were also ordained in the same organization. Grace’s parents were evangelists, traveling around and preaching almost every night of the week for different churches in the United States. This was many years ago and Grace’s parents traveled by auto, staying in the homes of the pastors for which they preached.

During this time period, Grace was approximately two months old when her father decided one day that her screaming was “anger”, and that she was “throwing a tantrum”. He spanked her infant legs with his hand, a couple of swats to make it sting and begin teaching her early that “anger is a sin”. At her next doctor’s appointment, it was discovered that her mother, who’d been trying to breastfeed her, was not making enough milk, and the cries were cries of hunger and tummy discomfort. Grace is unclear about her parent’s feelings in this regard, simply stating that they recorded it in her baby book with a “ha, ha” beside the date of her “first spanking”, even after they knew about the hunger.

Grace says her parents did love her and did not intend to be cruel, but the toxic environment was one both of them had been raised in, and they were simply doing what they thought was right at the time, based on their intense devotion to the God they’d been taught to believe was a demanding God of judgement.

Grace describes how her parents bragged for many years to their saints and to her and her siblings that they knew how to “train a child” to “behave in the house of God”, because they had trained her at nine months of age to “sit on the front row” during song service, alone with no adult. “If you got up or turned around, one of us would come off the platform (her mom was playing an instrument and her dad was leading service) and spank you, then sit you back down. You learned quickly. We know even babies can be trained.” Grace says their reasoning for this was that they were “home missionaries” starting a church and did not have a trustworthy adult yet converted to help watch her during service.

Grace says that some of her earliest memories were related to church. She says she can strongly relate to a title of a pop song that recently became popular, called “Sit Still Look Pretty”, because that was what she was told to do often as a little girl. She remembers wearing ruffled dresses with itchy tulle slips under them, squirming because she was uncomfortable in those clothes as they irritated her skin, but she would often be reprimanded for moving or swatted on the leg if she could not sit still.

She remembers her grandmother being reprimanded from the pulpit by her father, during one of his sermons, because the grandmother was drawing pictures for her to keep her entertained during the long sermons that were completely beyond her ability to understand.

Grace remembers taking candy from a Sunday School room at about age five and then, when her mother found out, she told Grace that it was stealing, it was a sin, and she would be lost for taking candy like that. She was led in a prayer of repentance and sent to apologize to the Sunday School Teacher. She still remembers the heavy sense of guilt, though she really didn’t know it was stealing when she did it.

From age five, when her sense of sin was awakened by the “stealing” event, Grace describes how she would “seek the Holy Ghost” every service, going down to the altar and kneeling there as long as she could stand it to pray and ask for the experience of speaking in tongues. This went on every service for three years, until she finally received the experience at the age of eight. She remembers being baptized “in Jesus’ name” not long before that, and how “I really did feel very clean and light inside”, but wonders if it was the baptism itself or the belief in what it was doing (taking away her sins).

Grace recalls a time around nine years of age when “we were having a shouting service” and she and a friend around the same age fell out on the floor and rolled back and forth “because we had heard them preach about holy rollers being really spiritual”. Adults stopped them from continuing, but she remembers being confused about why they would lift up such a thing verbally, but yet stop the girls from actually doing it. She remembers a mixture of shame and confusion about the incident.

Out of 12 years of education, Grace says only two and a half years were in a public school. “Three years were our own church school, and the rest of the time I was home-schooled”. She says she did not learn some of the things that are normal for school aged young people to learn. “I never learned anything about Greek mythology, and even the philosophers were barely mentioned in the context of Paul’s visit there.” She relates that her education was very poor in mathematics, and that she distinctly remembers her father slapping her when she couldn’t figure out how to do a math problem. She remembers a lot of yelling at her as well, when it came to learning math.

Grace describes herself as a “very shy, timid teenager, easily brought to tears”. She says that, because of the environment, she was highly sensitive and full of shame and guilt that was largely misplaced.

“The church rules…you never questioned them”. She learned as a toddler that pants, cut hair, and makeup were sins for women and she would point out people she saw wearing these things and ask her mother “Is that lady Catholic?” She apparently equated sinfulness with the Catholic religion, as is so often done over UPC pulpits.

No jewelry of any kind was allowed, and strict rules governed the sleeve length and dress length of her clothing. “We stopped wearing short sleeves when I was about ten,” she remembers. No slits of any length were ever allowed in skirts, and sleeves were required to be below the elbow. Hems were below the knee “sitting, standing or kneeling”. She said her long uncut hair was at one time to her ankles, “but we were not allowed to wear our hair down if we were going to be on the platform. It was considered stringy and unkempt.” She remembers that, when going around family members who were not in the group, her parents would make sure she braided her hair or wore it in a bun so that “we will be a good testimony to the family”. Somehow, even though her hair was praised and glorified throughout her lifetime, Grace knew that it looked “like a hippy” when it was down and obviously untrimmed.

Grace calls herself a “girly-girl” because she always loved beautiful things, but says that she had to confine it to lace and flowers for most of her life because most pretty things were forbidden–such as jewelry, makeup, nail polish, etcetera.

Grace describes hearing many sermons about women staying in their place, but mostly from her father’s associates, not from him. She says this is probably likely to the fact that his mother was also a preacher when he was a child. However, submission was a topic that was preached in great doses, especially submission to one’s husband and primarily to the pastor.

Grace ends our interview by relating that she feels the most harmful part of being raised in this environment was the fact that the parents controlled the children to such a degree, and then her parents used the pastoral role to control her even further. “The pastor could tell you to do anything, even if the Bible didn’t say do it. You had to do it because the pastor said and if you didn’t you were going to hell, because the pastor was God’s man and you had to obey him as if he was God.” Grace says that, where parental boundaries fell short, her father was adept at “pulling the pastor card” in order to control her.

“I finally left his church when, as an adult in my thirties, I was told I had to have his permission to have people over to my house and he was in control of the guest list.” This was in his role as her pastor, not her father.

Grace’s story is only one of many that I hope to introduce you to over the next few posts. An entire life from babyhood into middle adulthood can hardly be summed up in this short article, but I have tried to include some of the most powerful stories that Grace shared about what it was like to grow up in this environment, virtually brainwashed by the isolation and involvement in such a group.

(To be continued)

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse II

What is it like to be a child raised in a spiritually abusive environment? We have many books published that look at physical abuse and neglect from the eyes of the child, as well as other books that give an in depth look at sexual abuse or emotional abuse and how it feels to be the victim of such crimes.

More and more, I am hearing the stories of those who were raised in spiritually abusive environments. It is no shock to me to discover that many of these children also experienced other types of abuse while growing up. Abusive natures tend to not limit the tools of the abuse to one particular mode.

Many people may be familiar with the book “A Child Called It” and the sequels, where horrendous abuse is described from the viewpoint of Dave Pelzer, the victim, after he has grown up and finds himself in a safer environment. Although his mother’s primary choice of abuse was physical, she also heaped emotional and psychological abuse upon him. Severe neglect was part of her twisted behavior, and her physical abuse became more and more severe until it rivaled military torture in severity.

Much like this story, it is common in mental health care, when we encounter a child who has been the victim of abuse or neglect, to also discover other types of abuse the child experienced in that process. Knowing this, it is no surprise to discover that spiritual abuse often leads to physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sporadic care or neglect, and even, in some cases, sexual abuse.

The viewpoints of these individuals is quite similar to children who have grown up with other kinds of abuse.

There is the feeling that they are unworthy or faulty in some deep internal way. There is guilt over things that they have no control over. Constant need to apologize is common. A severe need for reassurance is to be expected. Not being able to trust their own intuition or second guessing their perfectly logical thoughts is part of the symptomology. Fear of authority or inability to trust authority of any kind is to be expected. Much like victims of other types of abuse, PTSD symptoms are “par for the course”–hyper-vigilance, nightmares, triggers, startle reflexes, wariness, and extreme anxiety. It is also fairly common that they may experience suicidal ideation–urges to harm themselves.

Spiritual abuse is no joke. It can cause permanent harm, just like any other type of abuse. It tears down the individual, and creates the same anxieties found in other child abuse victims. Almost without fail, spiritually abusive environments will require physical abuse of children, often disguised as “biblical” corporal punishment, but seldom considered within the realm of “normal” developmentally appropriate corporal punishment.

In the next segment of this article, we will look at some of the stories of the abuse from the eyes and testimonies of the victims, as we preserve their privacy.

(To be continued)

Children Raised Under Spiritual Abuse

Many people I know were actually born into a spiritually abusive environment. While I’m unaware of any official studies done on the effects of spiritual abuse on children, I do have training about the effects of physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse on the growing child. I also have access to a wide variety of studies that have been done on the effects of neglect on children and their development.

When we think about a newborn infant, we often think of a “clean slate”, or an unmarred human being that is ready to take in any teaching or influence from the environment around it. Leaders in spiritually abusive environments are also aware of this. Many of them begin to mold children from birth, building a relationship with them that often makes them very sensitive to the control of the leaders in charge. This results in adults who are extremely loyal, will brook no ill word about the leadership, and will help to carry on the twisted ideas that they have been brainwashed to believe since birth.

Make no mistake, these spiritually abusive environments do not form in a vacuum. There are very powerful relationship dynamics that occur to keep these environments in play, and without forming the deep relationships, they could not continue to perpetuate the pain that they cause. The relationships have several dynamics of dysfunction that enable them to become the controlling factor in such environments.

First of all, the relationship is often built on deep feelings of sentiment and belonging. The leadership fully accepts and loves the child, for the infant is without choice and perfectly designed. It is a “blank canvas” that the leader is free to work with, and by wasting no time getting attachment going, further control is virtually ensured.

There are several types of attachment styles that infants form with their primary caregivers, but that is a subject for a different article. Here we are simply discussing the church leadership beginning to form a powerful attachment with the infants within their congregation.

If the parents remain in the group while the child is growing up, very quickly all parenting resources and advice come through the church leadership as well. In this way, the leadership of the church becomes the final say and the main authority in the child’s life, as well as forming the emotional attachment that brings the desire to please.

In addition, in many of these groups, the parents are encouraged to homeschool the children, or to place them in a private church school run by the group. In this way, the group is in complete control of all information that goes into this child’s mind as he or she is forming ideas and learning “facts” about how the world operates. For example, when the child learns that the world is round, he also learns that people who watch television are going to burn in hell forever. When she learns about how seeds sprout and grow, and when that experiment is done as part of her learning, she is also learning from that same source that women who trim their hair are going to be lost for eternity. The source that credibly teaches facts about the world is, at the same time, slipping in twisted teachings and claiming them to be as factual as learning how to read or solve a math problem.

Finally, once the child is born, the group begins to teach him or her that they are the only “safe” place in the entire world. The child is learning to fear the “other” in the world at the same time he is learning to depend on mom and dad to feed him his bottle. If he or she happens to have an “unsaved” grandparent or aunt outside of the group, that person is often not allowed to be alone with the child, so these children pick up the silent message that grandma or grandpa is not quite safe because they are not part of the group.