Category: leaving | Page 10 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Raising Two PKs in the UPCI

I was not raised a PK but as a pastor’s wife I had trouble fitting in with other pastor’s wives because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be around them. I wasn’t raised by Christian parents and especially not in a pastor’s home.

I did raise two children as PKs but tried to make their lives as normal as possible. I also know my kids were treated differently and were often excluded from activities and parties because they were the pastor’s kids.

It did save the life of my daughter one night when her two friends decided to live on the wild side and went to a party where they consumed alcohol and were involved in a terrible accident and both girls were killed. If my daughter would have been with them, well let’s just say she could have been killed too. This caused my daughter to suffer guilt because she hadn’t said anything to us about the party. She knew why she’d been excluded but didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to be a snitch. The years passed, my son went away to college and my daughter married and my husband left me for another woman and I was left to clean up his mess.

My life changed immediately and the saints took their hurt out on me. It wasn’t a good time in my life. I moved to a bigger city 2 hours away where my son lived and my daughter and her family followed suit. Her marriage was crumbling and soon she was divorced with three young daughters. We couldn’t find another United Pentecostal Church where we felt welcomed because we were no longer in the ministry but were still isolated from the saints. I had women coming to me in the church warning me away from their husbands and my daughter couldn’t attend because of her ex.

So we finally found a non-denominational church to attend. Here we found hope, love and a new beginning. But most of all we found acceptance without the stigma of our past.

I had close friends at my job but it was hard to make friends at church because of our past, but we did and most of all we feel at home.

My kids and I definitely suffered by the elitism of the UPC ministry but from the lack of it in our new church we’ve been able to achieve some normalcy. My daughter married a good man a few years ago who had 2 daughters and they have a wonderful blended family and I was blessed with 2 more granddaughters. I have also been blessed with a very nice man and we’ve been dating for three years and he is not a minister at all!

Through this we’ve learned to be kind and friendly to everyone and we welcome all to our homes for dinner, not just ministry. I belong to a sweet group of people who call me by my first name with the usual “sister” in front of it. I’ve got an identity that is all my own.

So what started out as the worst time of my life has changed to the best time.

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Abuse: Not the Only Reason to Take a Church Sabbatical

It’s very easy to understand why someone would take a sabbatical, so to speak, from church attendance when there’s spiritual abuse. However, what about situations without abuse where you just feel the need to take some time off? Are you being wrong or selfish to do so?

First, let’s look at just a few situations that may arise where people may decide to take a break from church:

A family member’s illness or similar situation – This should go without saying, but many people still feel like they’re doing something wrong by tending to a loved one in need. As a very good clergy friend once told a family member handling nursery duty – her place was with her loved one and the church could adjust until things improved.
Job circumstances – It would be nice to think that everyone would have Sundays off, but I know from experience this is not something to count on unless you only work Mondays through Fridays. Since most of us do have to work, it is unreasonable to feel guilty because you sometimes need to work Sundays.
Sometimes, especially in a smaller congregation, people can get too burned out with volunteerism. I’ve seen this happen to others in a way that the burnout literally snuck up on them, especially where the laity sometimes have to assume a worship/liturgical leadership role in the absence of clergy. Taking some time off services or scaling back volunteering can provide you with the “recharge” you need.

Another situation that might occur is feeling as though your gifts and talents aren’t being put to full use in your present setting. It should never be assumed that just because someone is a member of Demographic Group X they are a perfect fit for Ministry Y. Taking some time off can be a good way to decide whether you want to continue on your present path or not.

Based on what I’ve heard from others who have switched congregations, here are a few things to consider:

Make sure you’ve visited any congregations under consideration several times before making a final choice, including special events, ordinary Sundays and low attendance times, like school break
Don’t commit to getting involved with ministries or joining right away – such decisions made in haste may not be good ones
Avoid getting caught up in emotion and jumping right in too fast just because the service inspires you in some way – a worship experience should appeal to more than your emotional side

Just a few thoughts for everyone to consider…

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My Church Experience After Leaving Part 2

This is continued from Part 1.

Years later when I saw error in the main teachings of the United Pentecostal Church, so much time had passed in not attending a church that the thought of doing so brought about a bit of apprehension. I had no idea how other churches operated or what would be expected of me as a member or attender. All I’d known was the UPC. This is why church attendance was a problem for me during this time. This now brings us to the year 2000.

After I started the support group and was pondering a thought to move to Texas, I made a trip there in the fall of 2000 to feel things out. One of the members had shared about a church they found and enjoyed that wasn’t Pentecostal and wanted me to visit. I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be able to go and from our correspondence prior to my visit, they knew not to push. Not pushing helped, because if they had, I probably wouldn’t have gone.

When one has left an unhealthy church, it can be very triggering to attend services again. Some simply cannot do it. While churches closer to what one experienced may be the most triggering, a very different church could still cause triggers. I remember some people at a secular cult awareness gathering being triggered by the use of a podium in a session and we were not holding any type of religious service. Yet it reminded them of the prior churches they attended, with the pastor at the pulpit. Other people are able to jump right into another church and do not grapple with these same triggers. Each person will react in their own way, based upon their past experiences. One may be triggered by certain songs or their volume, another by the speaking style of ministers, some by the mention of certain Bible passages and others by the dress and appearance of those in attendance.

I had a mind battle about visiting the church. It wasn’t that there was no desire to go and I certainly wasn’t against church attendance. Then there was the issue of ‘proper’ attire. I no longer had all the dresses or shoes that I’d wear for services as I slowly changed my wardrobe through the years. I had to talk to myself a lot and I didn’t know for sure if I’d be going even the morning of the service. I fought lots of feelings, thoughts and emotions, even to the point of wondering if I’d pass out. It had been six years since I’d attended church and that was Oneness Pentecostal. This was a Friends church- Quaker. Huge difference even though theirs were not the ones where people sat in a circle.

Well, I made it. It was funny to me how the songs they sang were ones I knew. As the service progressed, I calmed down inside and was able to attend the following week without going through all of the prior angst.

When I moved to Texas in June 2001, I attended that same church periodically at first and then regularly until the end of February 2002. An incident happened where the main pastor proclaimed an author to be a prophet for our time and he was coming to speak for a few days at the church. This was being heavily promoted and the bulletin mentioned how the ministry at the church was impacted by this author. I had problems with some of his teachings and rejected the thought of him as a prophet. After prayer, counseling with a minister friend, and much thought, I made the decision to move on.

Though the people seemed nice, there was only one older gentleman, a visiting minister, who regularly spoke with me. Outside of the Sunday School class I was in, I didn’t have much interaction with anyone. (In the class, other than a group discussion, my talk was mainly with the teacher as I was usually the first to arrive.) It certainly was different from what I was used to where visitors and new people were made to feel at home and quickly developed friendships and spent time together. In retrospect, since I left, it’s best that no bonds were really made.

After that, I went through many months where I didn’t know if I’d be remaining or having to move due to my finances and later being let go from my job because they did away with the position. It wasn’t until the fall of 2002 that I knew I would be remaining. So though I would have liked to have had somewhere to go, I didn’t look too hard because of my situation.

I remained without a home church during the rest of my time in the state. It was a difficult issue for me, especially after feeling to leave both churches I had attended.

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My Church Experience After Leaving

This is a brief summary of the first seven years of my church experiences after leaving the United Pentecostal Church. Understand that for several years afterward, I still believed the main salvation teachings of the group.

When I left my former UPC church in late 1993, I’d already been introduced to a church in West Orange, NJ which had not long before voted to pull out of the organization. When I resigned from my church, I would attend as I was able (it was two hours away). There was only one other local UPC in my area. I knew my former pastor still had feelings against that UPC pastor and church. (Before I ever started attending, there had been a split in the church which eventually led to this other one starting in a nearby town.) Even though I would have been accepted at this local church, even in not upholding standards, I knew that to go would be upsetting to my former pastor. During the time I was a member, my pastor would periodically say negative things in sermons about that church, some of the people, and its pastor. This went on for years after the split had taken place. If it upset him to have to stand behind and pray for this man at his UPC ordination (he didn’t like that Wayne Trout, the District Superintendent, had him do this), it wouldn’t have helped the situation had I left our church and joined this one.

Several months after I left, the pastor was told by one of my friends that I’d written some findings on the hair teaching. He called pastors to warn them about me. This isn’t hearsay as I heard it directly from one of the pastors he called, which was the nearby church. I have no idea if he just called the churches in the southern part of the state or if it was more widespread. Because of his actions, other than this local church that had started after a split, there would be no way I could have attended any of the others. While I did meet with the pastor of the nearby church and even gave him a copy of my writings on hair, which he asked to keep, by that time I knew I couldn’t live what I considered a lie. I’d be welcomed there but could never be used other than in giving a testimony, helping clean or raise funds, or something similar. At the time, I knew I’d want to be active anywhere I attended and to do so would necessitate adhering to all the things that I no longer saw as biblical. I simply couldn’t do it.

All this time I was still attending the church two hours away when I could. As the weeks went on, there were others who became upset with things happening at my former church (that had to do with the pastor) and more left. We contacted the pastor from the West Orange church to see about starting a cell group locally as his church had several of these. I started attending more regularly there and some of us attended a class for this type of leadership. However, during this same time there were all kinds of things happening at my former church and they hit me very hard. I had many emotions and feelings I was dealing with, sometimes not very well.

I felt that while I was grappling with all that, I shouldn’t be in a leadership position. I was supposed to help with the cell group (they call them life groups) and another couple would lead them. To be in a leadership position in these home groups, you had to join the church as a member. I didn’t attend a membership explanation meeting and due to the the way the pastor approached me about missing it, it didn’t sit well and I was feeling pressured. He already knew how I was feeling and never shared prior to it that it was necessary for me to attend.

So they started the group and I didn’t join the church. The pastor didn’t attend our home meetings, but made the lessons for them. At the very first local cell gathering, there was something odd introduced there which I’d never heard before and questioned, though I didn’t do so at the meeting. All of the things combined led me to stop attending. Eventually, everyone from my former church who had gone there left for one reason or another.

As shared at the beginning, at the time I was still very much UPC in doctrine with the exception of standards. Because of this, every Trinitarian church was automatically put out of the picture, sight unseen. There were only a handful of UPC churches in the entire state, so for any smaller Oneness Pentecostal group, there were even fewer, if any at all. I called different places that others would share about and they just didn’t line up with the doctrine in one way or another. Eventually I just gave up looking.

Years later when I saw error in the main teachings, so much time had passed in not attending a church that the thought of doing so brought about a bit of apprehension. I had no idea how other churches operated or what would be expected of me as a member or attender. All I’d known was the UPC. This is why church attendance was a problem for me during this time.

When one exits an unhealthy church, it is important to take the time and effort to examine the teachings. Had I looked into the main salvation teachings then, I wouldn’t have been extremely limited in potential new places of worship.

Part 2.

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On The Other Side

On the other side
The sun will shine
On the other side
Everything is fine
On the other side
We’ll learn to be content
I know where the grass is green
We’ll step ashore and the air is clean
So weep no more
Leave your troubles far behind
On the other side (The Seekers)

While being on the ‘other side’ of an unhealthy church experience won’t mean everything will be OK with total contentment and no crying or trouble, one can truly get to a much better place than was experienced.

On the ‘other side’ of all the yucky parts of dealing with the negative aspects of our experiences, there is a good place. There can be a happy ending to your story. And you know what, you’ll appreciate it to a greater degree than others. Why? Because you’ve experienced the ‘wrong side’ of religion. And when you’ve experience the ‘wrong side’ of religion, you thoroughly love and appreciate the ‘other side.’

You’ve heard certain teachings over and over and over and not much of any meat. You’ve experienced the image of an uncaring God, just ready to bust you over the head should you dare step out of line. You’ve experienced a minister who does not have the heart of a servant. You’ve experienced a works related salvation. You’ve experienced a place where the love is most often dependent upon you keeping the rules. You experienced a time where your initial joy at coming to know the Lord was slowly squeezed from your being, to where you may have even become a judgmental person.

BUT…on the ‘other side’, you can experience the REAL thing. God loves you simply because he loves you. You can’t do a thing to make him love you any more or any less….but you may find your love for him growing as you break free from the faulty teachings and untrue image of God. You’ll find there is no whip or baseball bat in his hand, ready to pound you at the least infraction of a rule. He is a patient, long suffering God. You may find that the Bible will open to you anew—-and you will look forward to reading it because of all that God is revealing to you. You read it before but missed so many wonderful truths because it was twisted and used to manipulate you. You might develop and use your gifts and talents so you may help others; many had them squashed in their former churches. It’s kind of like being a kid all over again and getting to go to that place you just couldn’t wait to get to!

Will things like these happen right away? I wish I could say that they would. It takes time and patience while you work through all the issues involved in leaving an unhealthy church. It may be difficult at first to not view God as a harsh taskmaster or to be able to read the Bible without past sermons screaming in your mind. As you discover who you are in Christ and learn of God’s grace and start to experience it, things will change. It is a much better place than the one you left. It isn’t a place of striving to obtain favor with God, it is one of knowing you already are accepted by him. It isn’t a place of trying hard to measure up, but one of resting in the completed work of Jesus Christ. It isn’t a place of being shamed, humiliated or degraded, but a place of love, joy and peace.

Our prayer is that all who have been subjected to spiritual abuse and unhealthy churches will come to a place of healing and be able to break free from the tangled mess of deception and lies of their former churches.

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