Category: healing | Page 11 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Grief and memories

I’ve been reading a book on grieving, No One Cries the Wrong Way. The author lists several ways to grieve, and it occurred to me that none of the ones listed works for those who grieve a loss like ours, because we are grieving a loss of a way of life and friends who are still alive but in many cases no longer speak to us, or at least don’t consider us friends.

We miss these people. We miss the church and aspects of the culture we left behind. We may miss parts of the routine, certain activities, and interactions with others who understand the group’s internal language and perspectives. At the same time, we may be angry at them and resistant to them because they’ve shunned us and failed us.

One of the things the book mentions that we can do is remember the good as well as the bad. We may not be able to share the good memories with our new friends, but we have the opportunity in support groups like this to share those memories with each other.

There’s nothing wrong with missing things about the unhealthy groups we left. There were good and bad aspects, and while we don’t want to go back, we can still miss the good things or the things that made us happy while we were there.

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Are you taught to keep the Law of Moses (Legalism)

I have been absent for some time in my writing trying to sort out the real motivations and purposes behind this blog. There is an internal conversation that asks, should I continue focusing on legalism, cult-style control within religious organizations? Or should I turn the focus towards grace, and love, and freedom in Christ?

Then events take place that remind me, grace, love, and freedom in Christ, comes from the awakening the understanding that the yoke of legalism is ugly, destructive, and anti-Christ, and my resolve is rekindled.

Thus, I want to ask you the dual questions; Are you taught (or are you teaching) to keep the law of Moses?

Legalism. It is the way of a theocracy or dictatorship. Undoubtedly, if we believe Scripture, we believe His method in the latter Old Testament was just this, a theocracy, a system of strict rule that consisted of a Law Giver (Moses), a Judge (priesthood) and Executioner (zealots). In modern day religious structures that use the Law to demand obedience to ordinances, these three, the Law Giver, The Judge and the Executioner is known as Pastor.

And yet the author of all of this, God, blotted out the written ordinances of the Law, it’s demands, requirements and judgements, with the fulfilling of Scripture, in Christ on the Cross.

Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross; – Colossians 2:14, KJV

I thank God that some time ago, through study, prayer, seeking and sometimes, just silence, I was able to come to the realization that modern day men who yoke congregants with the demands of the Law of Moses are NOT fulfilling the Law of Christ, and thus, I wanted no part with them.

Consider this illustration and the following Scriptural backing;

Act 15:5 But there rose up certain of the sect of the Pharisees which believed, saying, That it was needful to circumcise them, and to command them to keep the law of Moses.

Act 15:10 Now therefore why tempt ye God, to put a yoke upon the neck of the disciples, which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear? Act 15:11 But we believe that through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ we shall be saved, even as they.

Act 15:24 Forasmuch as we have heard, that certain which went out from us have troubled you with words, subverting your souls, saying, Ye must be circumcised, and keep the law: to whom we gave no such commandment:

Act 15:28 For it seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us, to lay upon you no greater burden than these necessary things; Act 15:29 That ye abstain from meats offered to idols, and from blood, and from things strangled, and from fornication: from which if ye keep yourselves, ye shall do well. Fare ye well.

The law was a very heavy burden, it was a yoke, and as described in Acts 15, it was something that not even the current Church elders (who were Jewish) and their fathers (all of Judaism under the law) could really and truly bear. Furthermore, it was fulfilled in the Law of Christ, His sacrifice was the final atonement of the Law.

Then the question was asked, ‘Why do you tempt (displease) God, to place requirements upon His believers?’

Jesus, much earlier, in Matthew 23, made a bold proclamation to his Apostles about how they would go forth in creating disciples, or more importantly, how not to, and it bears much weight in this conversation.

Mat 23:2 Saying, The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat:

Mat 23:4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.

Mat 23:6 And love the uppermost rooms at feasts, and the chief seats in the synagogues, Mat 23:7 And greetings in the markets, and to be called of men, Rabbi, Rabbi. Mat 23:8 But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. Mat 23:9 And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Mat 23:10 Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ.

It seems strange to me, then, that modern day pastors would crave the Seat of Moses (Law Giver, Judge of the Law and Executioner), which is Authority, absolute authority. It is no surprise, that when you crave such authority, the Law is your backdrop and story.

Granted, the experiences of which I speak are related to Oneness Pentecostal churches, or the United Pentecostal Church International. But as I share my story, and hear from many others, it is not privy just to that denomination. This takes place on a grand scale.

For instance, some of the laws of which I speak are quite contrary to Christ’s teaching, and yet they exist in many religious circles, such as;

The pastor dictates what clothes men and women can wear
The pastor dictates if men can have facial hair, or either sex can wear jewelry
The pastor controls who/if you can date or marry
The pastor controls if/when you can come to church

This is a very, very brief list, and it encompasses so many aspects of congregants lives, such as what music you are allowed to hear, whether or not you can attend plays, dances, watch television, or movies, etc.

None of these tend to be supported in Scripture, unless you purchase the idea that the Pastor is God’s delegated authority (Moses) on the earth, and in him/her [pastor] is vested the authority to bind their own commandments as doctrines of the Church.

The only problem is, Jesus condemned this openly;

Mar 7:7 Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.

Often times, those religious dictators that would exercise authority and control over others, start with the backdrop of utilizing the Law of Moses as the vehicle of their control, but so often inject their own ideals, commandments and laws into the mix.

So what is the Law of Moses?

This is far too long a topic to address properly, but there is a very simple Scripture (it always does the best job!) that gives you the in a nutshell version;

Col 2:20 Wherefore if ye be dead with Christ from the rudiments of the world, why, as though living in the world, are ye subject to ordinances,
Col 2:21 (Touch not; taste not; handle not;
Col 2:22 Which all are to perish with the using;) after the commandments and doctrines of men?

Suffice it to say, that if you are being taught, or God forbid, you are teaching, that one must keep the rudiments, precepts, and ordinances of Old Testament Law, in order to obtain Grace, and to be Saved, it is anti-Christ.

Dress codes and standards, were Old Testament law. (Dresses only for women to be saved)

Tithing is old testament law. (Must give man 10%+ of all income to be saved)

Absolute authority in one human is old testament law. (Blind obedience to be saved)

Obedience to Christ is New Testament Law!

Gal 6:2 Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

Mar 12:29 Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is one Lord,
Mar 12:30 and you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’
Mar 12:31 The second is this: ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.”

Thus, if ANYONE comes preaching any other Gospel (Law), let him be accursed! The only Gospel is Christ, and Him Crucified! The only Gospel is the Law (Love) of Christ and the redemption we have in Him, through the Cross.

Anyone that teaches ordinances and obedience (always obedience to the teacher of the law) in order to obtain Christ’s grace and mercy is a false teacher, and is harmful to your faith, your future, and yes, your family! I pray you go forth in the Law of Christ, and let no one steer you aside from His Commandments of Love.

1Jn 2:25 The message that the Son himself declared to us is eternal life.
1Jn 2:26 I have written to you about those who are trying to deceive you.
1Jn 2:27 The anointing you received from God abides in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you this. Instead, because God’s anointing teaches you about everything and is true and not a lie, abide in him, as he taught you to do.

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Keeping the Peace: Will It Drive You Mad?

I think many of us probably feel as though being a “peacekeeper” is nothing to feel blessed about. It seems like the holiday season, in particular, brings out the very worst in people. How can you cope when you’re dealing with the stress that often comes with this time of year, combined with people who might be carrying about a lot of baggage that they aren’t coping with very well?

I’m not a mental health professional, but I’ve found there are a few ways to cope that make a lot of this easier. Hopefully, these tips will be helpful no matter where you are on a spiritual journey or where your loved one is:

Pick your battles wisely – Sometimes it’s hard to avoid walking into a verbal hornet’s nest, but sometimes there is plenty of warning that one is there. If you’re dealing with a loved one who seems easily set off, watch for the warning signs that they’re itching for a verbal sparring match so you can avoid discussion.

Avoid the temptation to have to have the last word – I’m very much a work in progress myself on this matter, but I’ve found it helpful in dealing with verbal “boxers” who thrive on conflict. Sometimes it’s not worth the wasted time or resulting migraine.

Draw a line and ENFORCE it – Some people just need to be told that you won’t discuss certain issues with them – period, end of discussion. One of the major things here is spotting ways they might try to use “wiggle room” to try to force discussion of the forbidden topic – you’ll need to treat these the same as you would any other boundary violation.

Don’t try to sway them – It’s frustrating to see people holding certain views that are making them and everyone around them angry and dysfunctional. However, remembering that you aren’t any more likely to convert them to your way of thinking any more than they will convert you to theirs will save you a lot of frustration.

Do damage control as needed, for your own sake – Some people continually engage in rude, thoughtless behavior despite your efforts to be nice and avoid any conflicts. Depending on the severity of the behavior, you might need to consider cutting contact, restricting their access to you on social media, etc.

Don’t feel guilty – Some insecure people will try to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries and act like you’re the bad one. Remember: No matter what their story is, you are not responsible for everything that’s happened to them, and they must be the one to choose to deal with their issues – you can’t do it for them.

Amen?

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Bible Reading and Prayer

I’ve asked and been asking myself for years why I struggle so much with Bible reading and prayer. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can talk to God a little bit, but I wouldn’t say we were on close speaking terms. Bible reading is very difficult, and I rarely pick up a Bible or want anything to do with things that remind me of it.

This didn’t happen because I left the church. It happened because I was in it. It happened because the words that were supposed to comfort me were very often used against me instead. People who professed to be Christians did what they could to undermine my faith and that of others, in order to lift themselves or hide their own failures, and not just a few times, but repeatedly, until what I hear when I read, no matter what it is, brings a flood of bad memories rather than anything good.

I wasn’t raised in what most people who read this might consider a Christian home. We went to Sunday School, we read Jesus storybooks sometimes, but Bible reading was in preparation to teach, and prayer was mainly before extended family meals, not part of daily life. I struggled with some things in my own life, and at nine I went to a camp where we were ‘encouraged’ to have daily devotionals and to memorize scripture. I was a strict rule-follower and very much took these new rules to heart.

When I got home, though, I quickly learned that it was not to my advantage to follow them… I hid to memorize verses or to read my Bible, and most of my prayer time was done after lights out or high up in the top of a maple tree where no one would know. (When my sister found out I was reading my Bible, the next time we were in trouble for something she chimed in to Dad that I should know better because I was reading my Bible… and she got off the hook while I was punished, because he agreed with her.) Still, even touching the Bible brought me a kind of peace and calmed me in a way that nothing else had been able.

Throughout my childhood there was a feeling that I should be following the rule, the discipline, of quiet time. I wasn’t very faithful with it always, but the thought was there that I should be. Going to a Pentecostal church backed that thought. I jumped into that rule and others very eagerly–the concept of rules associated with church was familiar to me, and I liked having rules… they brought order to areas of my life that were very chaotic otherwise. One problem with this was that it led to legalism… the other was that not everyone followed the same rules.

Bible reading, particularly, went from being something positive to a chore within just a few years. I craved the recognition of getting my Bible reading certificate (for reading the Bible through in a year), but it was easy to fall behind and it was hard to catch up. There were other obligations, there was life… and more and more a piece of paper and a few minutes of applause for the hours and hours of ‘faithfulness’ in a year wasn’t enough. I started to recognize that the recognition was unfair when the youth were challenged with a point system — a point for every minute prayed or chapter read. Well, goodness, I could pray and drive but I sure couldn’t read and drive, and I could speed read but I wouldn’t get much from what I’d ‘read,’ but this was how to rack up points. And a chapter often took a whole lot longer than a minute of prayer. There would be no recognition for ‘slow and steady’ in the point system. I think that is the first year after joining that I didn’t get my certificate. It didn’t matter any more.

Within three years of that, I was thrown out of a church. I fasted for a week before I was thrown out, having been warned to somehow change whatever the pastor disliked, even though I wasn’t sure what that was. Fasting didn’t ‘fix’ me, and it didn’t prevent me being thrown out. I’d been the only one going to the church to pray, the only one going to the prayer room before church at least sometimes, definitely the only one ‘interceding’ in tongues for the services, but I was the one thrown out. I didn’t understand how this could happen. Being thrown out made me doubt myself and my routines of prayer and fasting. What difference had they made? Not only was I told not to go back there, but I’d actually had the pastor tell me he didn’t know if I COULD BE saved.

I experimented a little while with other options, but in the end I moved… to a place that ended up just as bad or worse. Within months I was no longer reading, praying other than before church as required, or fasting if I could avoid it without getting called out. I’d try. I was guilt ridden when I didn’t, and fearful that I’d be ‘caught,’ but even the fear and the guilt weren’t adequate motivators. Not that they should have been; by that point I had THAT unhealthy a perception of “Christian disciplines,” though.

It’s not easy to get out of that level of legalism or that degree of unhealthiness.

Tonight I found an article about the type of church I grew up in. It reminded me of that group’s “five steps to salvation” and the emphasis to a nine year old camper of the importance of daily Bible reading, memorization, and prayer. It reminded me of the beginnings of a legalism that would take me, finally, to a place where I wondered if there was a god, to a place where I’d sit stunned as someone told me they were a Christian but didn’t have devotionals and didn’t think they were even necessary… to a place where I would wish I could believe the same, to find again a place with God where the rules didn’t matter, but just the relationship.

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Does God crush you like a rose to make perfume?

Someone wrote to me recently about songs that ask God to “crush me,” “wreck me,” and “consume me,” saying,

If God can abuse his bride, yet tell her that it is for her good, of course a husband can do that to his. And both blame her for not trusting.

This reminded me of the popular teaching that just as the sweetest perfume comes out of crushed roses, God wants to crush us like a rose so He can make perfume like that. (<– Several links there.)

As if somehow our lives would become more pleasing to God if He crushed us.

And apparently, from the songs she was referencing, that’s a pretty popular notion.

Read the full untangling of this teaching at Here’s the Joy . . .

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