Category: discernment | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Seeking the Living Among the Dead in Our Spiritual Lives

Why do so many choose to remain members of denominations they no longer agree with? This has always puzzled me, but in discussions with others who’ve made (often radical) changes in their membership, I’ve come to realize there are reasons, some of which I’ve highlighted below. As individual Christians, we need to be better prepared to help those in transition.

“I’ve always been a (whatever), so was my daddy, and so was his daddy before him. My grandad was a preacher. I don’t agree with all of it, but so what? Why should I change?”

A lot of people remain within their family’s denomination because that’s what they’re used to, and people are creatures of habit by default. However, it’s worth remembering that remaining or becoming a member of a denomination should be left to the individual. No one should feel pressure to remain in a denomination they don’t totally agree with, but sadly, many do.

More importantly, no one should feel as though they have to remain in a church where they can’t use their spiritual gifts. For example, one with the gift of healing probably would stagnate in a cessationist denomination, while one called to be a lay Eucharistic minister wouldn’t be able to fulfill their calling in a denomination that does not celebrate the Eucharist. Most families from healthy church backgrounds will come to accept such changes in time.

“I no longer agree with my church, but my family would disown me if I changed”

In some traditions, the church and the family structure are so intertwined that to leave the church means to also leave one’s family While not commonplace, sometimes to leave one denomination, considered to be a part of one’s ethnic identity, for another is seen as abandoning one’s people. Anyone in this situation should seek the advice of a clergy member and be willing to have a heart-to-heart discussion with their family.

Will there be hurt feelings and misunderstandings? No doubt, nobody likes drastic changes. However, you’re only delaying the inevitable without taking that important step. The help of a support group made of people who have exited the group may provide necessary clarity.

“When you get burned as often as I was, you get suspicious of other religious groups. I won’t go through that again”

Many are afraid to find a new church home because of bad experiences. The prospect of getting involved in another church brings about fears of being hurt again. Spiritual abuse in & of itself is difficult to recover from, especially when verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse is involved.

In this case, you may want to seek out churches different from the one you were hurt by and consider speaking to the clergy and other leadership before becoming too involved. If anything, your prior experiences may help you spot potential trouble. One thing you should never be afraid of is setting boundaries to avoid an involvement level outside your comfort zone.

Making a break from a toxic or unfulfilling church situation can be difficult, but you’ll be in a better place by taking this step.

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What made Jesus mad?

It wasn’t the sinners. No, he ate dinner with them. What we see Jesus fighting against are the religious Pharisees who loved to point fingers at other people’s sin and shortcomings. Legalism. It is essentially the world system telling you that salvation is not a free gift and that you must work for your grace. Grace is a free gift. If it comes with ‘requirements’ is is no longer a gift, but a paycheck. Jesus came to save the world not condemn it. A lot of these issues come from people trying to make the Bible fit their opinions. They refuse to research culture, translations, Hebrew, Greek, etc.. They fall under the influence of the adversary and believe we are not worthy of God’s acceptance unless we perform. God loves you; you have to switch your focus from you and onto what He did (and is) doing for us. By saying a dress, long hair, no jewelry, and no makeup is required to get into Heaven, you have rejected the power of Jesus dying and resurrecting by saying – No God, I think I got this. No thanks, I can save myself. However, it isn’t about us. It is all about HIM and what HE did for us.

It. Is. That. Simple.That is the GOOD NEWS!

Let’s take a look at the scriptures and see what they say.

In Matthew 23:27, Jesus addressed the Pharisees who were being judgmental and holding on to a ‘visual and works-based’ salvation by saying, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which appear beautiful on the outside, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and every impurity. In the same way, on the outside you seem righteous to people, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” This statement was radical then and it still is today! What good is it if we visually look ‘set apart’ but we are bitter, prideful, and show no love? That is what Jesus means by a whitewashed tomb! Jesus also declares the Pharisees hypocrites for straining out a gnat but eating a camel (Matt. 23:24). This was a parable about worrying about small things but yet, you are full of hatred and pride – which are BIG issues. We must cleans our hearts. As we do this, we will reflect Christ on the outside by our actions. We are becoming love. It isn’t a checklist, it is a process; one that can take years as we begin to heal the many layers of shame, guilt, and pain that we have endured. We must have faith. Believing in something we cannot….see.

We tend to think of a Pharisee as just a Jewish person who didn’t accept Jesus as the Messiah. Why did they reject Him? Jesus was viewed as radical. His message was a 360 from the Law of Moses (Read the book of Leviticus). Moses taught you must perform a certain way to be clean. Jesus taught that God already sees us as clean and we will have eternal life if we accept Him into our hearts as our Lord and Savior. There are many more accounts recorded in the New Testament where Jesus denounced the religious hypocrites, but I would like to now focus on the gospel. The good news. We cannot follow something we do not….know. The good news is that God already loves us and he loves us with agape love. Agape love is unconditional love. Meaning, there are no conditions in which we can make God love us more or less. He loves us because He is love. Scripture tells us this.

1 John 4:8 “The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

Romans 8:39 tells us that nothing can separate us from love. Nothing. Not your skirt that is above your knees, your short hair, your bitterness, your lies….NOTHING. It is written, “(No) height or depth, or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!” Praise God for that because it is impossible to be sinless, but fear not! We are loved by God and we have been bought and paid for.

John 17:23 “I am in them and You are in Me. May they be made completely one, so the world may know You have sent Me and have loved them as You have loved Me.” This right here tells us we are loved the same way Jesus is loved. Hallelujah!

Ephesians 1:7-8 “We have redemption in Him through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” He has redeemed us! We are set free.

1 Corinthians 12:13 “For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free—and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.” God does not see a sinner when He looks at us. We have been baptized into Christ.

While we have this good news, so many people reject it. It is difficult for the human mind to grasp this concept that we are loved unconditionally by God. Another argument I have heard time and time again is that the God of the Old Testament was mean and full of wrath. Yes, people were killed, but the Bible is not a book of condemnation, it is a book about God’s redemption plan to save mankind after the fall. The only reason people were wiped away was due to their motives to wipe out the line to Jesus Christ. God had to preserve that at all costs because Jesus is the ONLY way to eternal life without pain and suffering.

If God was mad at us, why did he make a promise to Abraham that he would use his seed to bless the world? God made this promise in the very first book of the Bible. He wouldn’t do this if He regretted creating us. He promised Abraham, Issac, and Jacob (Israel) that He would redeem us through their bloodline. We now know that redemption plan was finished with Jesus Christ. The adversary tricked Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Good and Evil by making them feel God was hiding something from them. After the fall, they felt shame and guilt. Something God never wanted for us. The reason we felt naked was because of the enemy. Not God. We clothe ourselves to hide shame. If it was Satan who told us we were unclean in the garden, is it not Satan who is inside your head telling you that you are unclean if you don’t perform or wear certain types of attire?

One last thought. Fear in Hebrew does not translate to being scared. To fear God in the original text means to have childlike wonder and awe of God. Fear = awe. How easily we can get tricked into thinking God is angry with us. Satan has done this since the fall. The devil is the father of all lies and he knows no new tricks.

The good news is that the battle has been won. Jesus conquered the grave. We have redemption through Jesus Christ and we are covered by the blood of the lamb. Stop listening to the lies of the enemy. Read the word for yourself, rather than believing everything another human tells you. You can even question me and what I have written here in this article. Actually, I encourage you to. Seek to find the truth! The Holy Spirit will slowly reveal it if you ask for it.

We are no longer slaves. Thank you Jesus for this unconditional, undeserved gift of grace and eternal life.

Let your Kingdom come. Your will be done on earth as is it in Heaven. Until you return, I will praise You and spread this wonderful, life-giving news of how You died for me, and…..the world. I pray that every person who reads this will be filled with a seed of Truth. In Jesus’ name I declare this. Amen.

–GodIsLove

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The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

This is the continuation of thoughts about spiritual abuse based upon Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness.

The forth point the authors make is as follows:

Listen to the Holy Spirit inside you. Jennifer’s initial reaction to the group leader was negative. Only when he began telling her things that fed her ego did she soften toward him. Listen to the warning voice inside you when it tells you to pull back, and think things through. If you are a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit of God living inside you, and can ask for wisdom and guidance. You won’t hear an audible voice but will often feel a pull in one direction or another. James 1:5 says, “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” If something you hear or are taught makes you uncomfortable, ask God to reveal the truth to you. Then give Him time and quiet to do so, reading the Word.

Many who have been involved in an unhealthy church can look back and realize there were warning signs in the beginning and/or along the way. In the beginning, we sometimes overrode those due to the excitement found at the church or because we did begin our relationship with God there. Sometimes they are pushed aside as we didn’t know much about the Bible, churches or God and considered the leadership in the church to be more knowledgeable. Then, as in the case of Jennifer, some were told things about themselves that felt good and built them up and thus the initial uneasy feelings were overridden.

As time went on, warning signs could be rationalized away. We had been pulled into the system and mindset. We fell into the thoughts that the pastor was to be obeyed, even if something wasn’t in the Bible, and that questioning what happened or was taught was akin to questioning God and being rebellious. And since rebellion was as the sin of witchcraft and we knew witches were not saved, well….we learned to suppress questions and any thoughts of something not being right.

While sometimes warning signs can be our own fears and insecurities, they are often something in which we need to pay attention. They should cause us to pause, take a step back, and objectively evaluate what is happening. If many of us would have done this, we never would have joined our unhealthy church or would have left sooner than we did.

If you are having feelings of uneasiness regarding your church, take heed. If you find it was just you and perhaps you misunderstood something, there is no harm done. If you find that there is something amiss, you may have saved yourself a great deal of harm and anguish. It never hurts to pause and reevaluate a situation.

The fifth and final point the authors make is:

Look at the fruit. Jesus said we could judge the soundness of a tree by the kind of fruit it produced: “For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit” (Luke 6:43). What fruit does the life of the person you are listening to exhibit? The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). If the doctrines you are hearing do not lead to this kind of fruit, don’t consume them. In Jennifer’s case, the doctrines she was taught led to fear, self-loathing, exhaustion, inferiority and depression. The leader himself exhibited pride, control (over others, not himself), anger, violence, and an attraction to ungodly things. If the fruit is bad, the tree it comes from should be avoided.

The fruit in a person’s life is their actions, attitudes & character. It shows what is in the heart. It involves how a person is all the time and not simply during church activities.

Jesus spent time speaking of the Pharisees and his harshest words were directed toward them. While they tried to put on a good show outwardly, so all would look up to and revere them, Jesus told us that inside they were full of dead men’s bones. They praised God with their lips, but their hearts were far from him. They were hypocrites and yet they were the religious leaders of the Jews.

Unhealthy ministers and pastors will show their true fruit and you have a right to inspect that fruit and determine if it is good or bad. Bad fruit is involved when they teach things that benefit themselves, such as in persuading people to give more money or do favors or chores for the ministry. They may preach against certain things but not truly believe them and may be found breaking those rules. They may have one set of rules for the members and another for their family. If the ministry acts like they stand in God’s place and can pronounce all kinds of judgments against you, that is bad fruit.

Take some time and return to the Gospels and read about the problems Jesus had with the Pharisees. See how they were infuriated because Jesus healed someone on the Sabbath. See how they tried to trap him in conversations, were jealous of Jesus and wanted the best seats as they felt deserving of them. Consider how they prayed and looked down on the publican while praising themselves. Look at how they did things to be seen and praised of men. Do you see any of these same traits in the pastor?

If you or others are being treated harshly in a church, take a good long look at the fruit the pastor displays. Is it good or bad fruit? Is it what Jesus taught? Do they have the heart of a servant….or the ego of a personal kingdom builder?

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2

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The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2

This is the continuation of thoughts about spiritual abuse based upon Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness.

The third point the authors make is as follows:

Test those who say they speak for God. In 1 John 4:1, the Bible says, “Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” You approach a salesperson with a degree of skepticism, expecting to hear things that might not be as good as they are described. It is even more vital to maintain healthy caution with regard to people who try to “sell” you ideas that sound biblical but may not be. If what is being said is true, it will stand up to scrutiny, and over time.

Anyone may make the claim to speak for God. We see it all around us today, from televangelists seeking your money to the small church where the pastor has complete control of the people. In Jennifer’s circumstance, it was a very small group that didn’t meet in a church and was operated by one man who claimed to speak for God. He was a liar and a fraud. We find the same in unhealthy churches, large and small. Some man or woman claims they speak for God and people follow. How can one determine if a person truly speaks for God? Obtaining a ministerial license or going to a seminary does not mean one has been called of God to operate a church or even preach.

So what are some ways that a person can know if the minister’s claim is true? First, what they teach will agree with the scriptures. If a pastor says God told him to sleep with you, for whatever reason, that is not God. In contrast, the scriptures certainly do not condone sexual relations with the spouse of another person.

If the minister tells you it is permissible to lie about something in order to defraud someone outside the group or to lure someone into the group, what can you find in the Bible that speaks about lying? If the pastor proclaims that you must tithe in order to be saved, what will the scriptures show if you study tithing? Any minister that teaches things contrary to the scriptures has not been speaking for God.

Don’t blindly accept what a minister teaches, even if in the past you have found something they taught lined up with scripture. Some ministers start out good and then stumble into false doctrine or an unhealthy group. You have a Bible, and if you don’t they are available online for free. We really have no excuse for not checking what is taught before accepting and believing it. If you choose not to, down the road you may find yourself caught up in a very unhealthy situation.

I want to share an article written around 1979 by former United Pentecostal Church minister Dan Lewis when he worked as a teacher at their endorsed Jackson College of Ministries. It appeared in the college’s newspaper, The Agape. It addressed questioning and it being okay to not always have answers. It created a firestorm for him at the time it was written. This is from his book The Journey Out of the United Pentecostal Church.

FAITH WITH A QUESTION MARK

To some people questions are disturbing! For them life is a logically consistent, systematic closed activity which can be defined in precise propositions. Questions are unnerving. Worse, questions without immediate answers are unthinkable and to be avoided at all costs. What cannot be rationally treated with finality is to be brushed off or ignored. Probing is regarded with suspicion. Options are nonexistent. Anything less than blind assent is labeled as dissent or even rebellion. Yet, is not such an approach to life, especially Christian life, somewhat naive and overly simplistic? Does not such an attitude portray insecurity rather than strength? Ultimately, does not this position describe uncertainty rather than faith? The man who is afraid of questions is usually a man who is fearful of his position!

It is my conviction that genuine faith must be a questioning faith! It must be an attitude toward God of seeking for truth and a contentedness in spite of unanswered questions. Faith cannot be founded only on empirical evidence, for what can be conclusively proven does not require faith. For this reason, God Himself must be approached on the level of faith. As the transcendent God, He must be pursued. He reveals himself, true, but He always remains far enough beyond our comprehension to beckon us onward in our quest for Him.

Some of the greatest luminaries in God’s assembly of saints were questioners. Job, David, Habakkuk, and others asked discerning and pointed questions, not only of their peers, but of God. Does God enjoy my suffering? If a man dies, will he again live? Is God righteous? How can YHWH use a people less righteous than Israel to judge his own people? In the case of Job, it was the trio with the ready answers who found error, while the sufferer with the unanswered questions found truth. One of the finest ways of discerning the depth of Jesus’ teaching is to observe the questions which he asked, answered, or in some cases left unanswered. Jesus never avoided sincere questions that were motivated by truth-seeking. Questions were not an embarrassment to Him.

In the New Testament, one confronts both “faith” and “the faith.” “Faith” is what is believed because of genuine encounter with God. “The faith” is what is received because of traditional and doctrinal correctness. Both are important! However, we live in a generation which feels comfortable in accepting “the faith” without necessarily having “faith.” A doctrinal heritage can be adopted and defended without a genuine encounter with Christ. “The faith” without “faith” is worth little. One of the prime reasons for such a bland form of Christianity is a reluctance or fear of asking questions. “The faith” can be blindly followed without questions. But real “faith” comes as God reveals Himself, and He reveals Himself to the searcher.

Occasionally, one’s approach to the Bible takes the following naive, omniscient form, as related by Bernard Ramm. “Dear Friends, I have read no man’s book. I have consulted no man-made commentaries. I have gone right to the Bible to see what it had to say for itself.” Yet, as Ramm further points out, although this may sound very spiritual, it is in reality a veiled egotism.

Faith presumes a transcendent God. He is not wholly transcendent, or we could never know him. On the other hand, he is not wholly within our grasp, else he would cease to be God for us. Faith is the first prerequisite for coming to God, yet it also leaves us with unanswered areas, for “faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.” In this life, “We see but a poor reflection” (NIV, 2 Co. 13:12). “We have this treasure in a fragile vase of clay….” (Weymouth, 2 Co. 4:7). We are constantly aware of our finitude and of God’s all-sufficiency. We are called to trust Him in the unanswered questions of life and eternity. If our faith is healthy and properly focused, unanswered questions are not an embarrassment but an incentive to continue our pursuit of Christ! As we struggle with a sensitive conscience in making ethical decisions, as we look inwardly in godly self-examination, as we view the needs of the world in light of the gospel, we have faith with a question mark! In the words of Jim Bishop, “I had wanted proof, something for my eyes or ears or hands. He wanted me to believe without it. Faith was what He required of me. And He never rested till I found it.”

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

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The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 1

I am going to use Becca Anderson’s and Jennifer Redcay’s book, Pushing Back the Darkness, to share some thoughts about spiritual abuse. Near the beginning of the book, it says,

The heart of the issue in Jennifer’s experience of being drawn into a cult was her lack of discernment about the things the leader was telling her. It sounded so great to hear that he thought she had a “special ministry.” Without the tools of biblical discernment, she was unable to separate truth from lies.

Many unhealthy groups either claim God has something special for you or that they are, or have, something special that others do not. It is an exciting feeling to be part of something that appears to be special and important, especially in the spiritual realm. Sometimes people get so pulled up into this aspect, and because they may see some things happening, they may fail to discern what is really going on.

After this, the authors share some helpful points on how to discern truth from error. Below is the first point:

Read the Bible for yourself. Jennifer was a casual Christian. She was not familiar with the Bible and was therefore vulnerable to the leader twisting the Scriptures to suit his own purposes. Biblical knowledge doesn’t come overnight or from casual reading. It takes work. Read it systematically and regularly. If you are confronted with something that sounds like it “might” be from the Bible, or someone makes claims and backs them up with Bible verses, talk to someone more knowledgeable about the Bible (a friend, pastor, etc.) if you do not feel you have the ability yet to properly check out what you’re being told.

Some who become involved in unhealthy groups either have little to no knowledge of the Bible or when they do attempt to check the veracity of what they are being taught, they only know how to study the way the group has shown them. They may not read passages in their proper context. They may not consider the whole, or all, of what the Bible teaches on the subject. By only using the ‘proof texts’ supplied by the group and not reading them in their proper context, it may appear that the group’s teaching is true, even though it is in error.

That is what happened to me when I became involved in the United Pentecostal Church. I had very little Bible knowledge and did not know how to properly study it. The manner in which they pulled out a passage here and there, piecing them together, appeared to make sense and I was hooked and pulled in. Had I read everything in context and considered what the rest of the Bible taught, I would not have come to the same conclusion.

Later when one leaves, sorting through the teachings is an important aspect of healing. Some people shove this to the side, feeling it is unimportant or they are afraid to tackle it. I encourage everyone to take the time to look objectively at what the Bible actually says. You can know if a teaching is based upon the Bible or not. It takes time and it can be difficult to look at doctrines that the group has tied to your salvation and relationship with God. But if you do not tackle these, you may find yourself periodically in fear of something not true. You may forever believe that distorted view of God that was instilled into you. These things may well affect you at least off and on throughout your life if you do not seek these things out for yourself. Don’t allow that to happen.

The second point the authors share is:

Don’t be afraid to question what is said. When the apostle Paul was preaching in various cities, he praised the people of Berea because they didn’t take what he said at face value. They spent diligent time comparing it with the Scriptures they had and learned for themselves he was telling the truth. Anyone who insists you take his or her interpretation and not question it should set off alarm bells. Ask. Dig. Go to those who know more if you need to.

A person who teaches something true is not afraid of questioning. They are assured of their belief and are not insecure or needing to dominate others by commanding them to accept what they teach based on their word alone.

The unhealthy group often has an unwritten rule against questioning their practices and beliefs. A person usually discovers this by making the mistake of voicing a question and seeing how this is twisted into making them look bad and not having enough faith. You are to believe and follow the teachings because the leader said so. They are “watching for your soul” and “must give account” of you to God, so they say.

People all too often place ministers and pastors on a pedestal of sorts and in an unhealthy church this becomes especially dangerous as that will be taken advantage of. The pastor is seen as all knowing, even speaking as the voice of God. Disobedience to pastor is seen as disobedience to God. This places your spiritual welfare and destiny at stake in your mind. It is easy then to take this mindset and create a no questioning rule that can lead the person down all types of treacherous paths.

I cannot recall how many times since 1997 (We just celebrated the 21st anniversary of the spiritualabuse.org website this week.) where I have had people share that they were afraid to question and/or were afraid to voice their questions to anyone at their church. They often learned to push them aside or rationalize them away. “Well, the pastor was put there by God and he knows best.” “If the pastor is wrong, God will correct him.” “There must be something wrong with me that I am having these questions about what is being taught.”

Questions are normal. There is nothing wrong with questions. Jesus himself allowed people to question him. He did not forbid them and he did not berate or turn on people for doing so.

If your church is healthy, they should be open to questions. Leadership should not be insecure and turn you away or view you negatively because you questioned something taught. If you encounter anything else, then take a huge step back as you are likely in an unhealthy group.

The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 2
The Darkness of Spiritual Abuse Part 3

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