Category: United Pentecostal Church | Page 62

Just Couldn’t Stay Part 3

Continued from Part Two.

Now I am fifteen and am starting to be attentive to preaching. At this point in my life I didn’t fully understand or know what my theology was. I believed that Jesus was God’s son, people could get the Holy Ghost without speaking in tongues, baptism was something that Christians just did and you were saved at repentance. Oh, and living holy was like, live it or burn forever. So, we started at this new United Pentecostal church and like I said earlier they quickly let us know we were not in the truth. They constantly sang songs of the oneness of God, talked about speaking in tongues more than I had ever heard talked about in my life.

My mom and I were like okay great. But it wasn’t great. You see it was not this is what we believe and you can choose it, it was more like this is what we believe and you better jump on the wagon as well. My mother and I at the time were the only ones attending church. My dad had long stopped going and my only sibling was doing their own thing. So, my mom and I quickly got set up for a bible study. That’s when it all came out. The oneness of God. (insert disclaimer: I am not discrediting the belief of the oneness of God, I am still sorting out that belief, however I am saying that it was shoved down our throats and made a salvation issue.) After this bible study my mom and I went home and discussed it. I don’t remember us coming to a conclusion at that point. However, I do remember the pressure we received before we finally relented or just stop asking questions.

Fast forward to me being eighteen and I just couldn’t stay any longer in my parents’ home. The con-stringent rules were driving me over board. My mother and I constantly fought. If the church had UPC standards my mother had commands and demands, if one was going to live in her house you live by her rules. So, I left home and moved in with another family member.

It was during that time I meet my first real boyfriend. I was eighteen and free at last free at last… and well you know the rest of that. That boyfriend became what I come to know now as my husband. He describes those times when I first meet him as a rebel without a cause. I was trying to live out eighteen confined years in six months. He calmed me down and gave me balance when I didn’t know what that was.

We lived our first few years of marriage in bliss. No, really we did. After a while I noticed God dealing with me. I don’t think God ever left me, as much as it was me leaving him. I stopped having a relationship with HIM. My mom invited me back to church and I went. That second Sunday that I attended at the end of service she let me know she believed in the oneness of God. She gave me a story of how she came to believe that. Immediately I felt hot and angry. I remembering feeling like I had been lied to all my life. Keep in mind I didn’t search out scripture to see if this was true, I was just mad.

At that point I started praying and I remember a small voice in my head say “Why not repent you are already praying.” I remember thinking why not so I did. Now here is the deal after that….oh goodness it’s hard to explain. Let me try my best. I remember my mouth shaking, from me or some other force I don’t know. Then everyone was cheering and my mom was like “The Holy Ghost is all over you just speak it out.” So I guess that is what they call stammering lips, tongues, or the infilling. The pastor came and talked to me and I quickly said I got the Holy Ghost for fear of the church badgering me for months and years about getting it. I had seen people go through that and I was for one not going to. My whole niche about that was I truly believe I got “saved” at repentance when it was just me and the still small voice without the crowds and the cheering.

I started attending church regularly and started “living the part.” On the contrast, I couldn’t for the life of me when they started teaching that everybody was going burn in Hell but us believe that. I couldn’t for the life of me tolerate the hatred when they talked about Trinitarians. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why my husband didn’t jump on the band wagon with me. Eventually I let my brain die and picked up everybody else’s. I ceased to exist any longer. Their thoughts became my thoughts, their actions became my actions, their beliefs my beliefs. I was so caught up in it all I forgot to stop, think, read, and reason.

I might also add this was a time in my marriage I started to view my husband as an enemy. He didn’t believe the way I did, he didn’t attend church all the time like I did. Let’s just put it out there plain, he didn’t become indoctrinated like I did. That was the beginning of my own UPC experience. I was attending church for myself. I really did love the Lord and wanted to be a Christian. However, I was always confused on still what saved me, was I going to make to heaven? Was I doing enough? I had so much conviction it turned into heartburn. But there I was in church the first to run the aisles, pray, encourage the others, sign up for everything going on try and get in good with the pastor and his family. It was hard work and tiring. All while leaving my family at home. Day after day disconnecting myself from my husband because he wasn’t bandwagon man. He wasn’t a minister, pastor, evangelist, department head, musician or anybody important. He didn’t act like the men at church all holy and stuff. He was just, himself. Heartbreaking as it is I wasn’t myself at all…..

To be continued.

Just Couldn’t Stay Part 2

Continued from Part One.

It wasn’t just one thing that made me decide to leave as I mentioned yesterday, it was a compilation of many.

Alright back story time. I grew up in a ‘holiness’ church. Translation: any and everything will result in loss of salvation and send you to Hell. Things like fish net pantyhose, men with no ties on their shirts, crossing your legs in church for women, and popping your fingers because that is what the worldly people did to worldly music. Literally any and everything was a sin. Sin too many times and God would get tired of you and you would be “turned over to the devil.” All hope was lost at that point. You could have very well been bff’s with the Anti-Christ at that point. The list could go on and on.

Growing up my mother wouldn’t even participate in just everyday conversations at times because that would result in loss of salvation. I remember one time she yelled out in fear and anger “I’m not worried about those people I’m just trying to stay saved.” The reason for the outburst, my dad had just asked her if she remembered an old friend.

The deal is this ‘holiness’ group was not Apostolic Pentecostal aka Oneness Pentecostals. They were/are Trinitarians and believed in Matthew 28:19 literally. However, they were saved and we believed we were too at that time. They spoke in tongues, prophesied, danced in the Spirit, dressed and looked the part of UPC standards and obeyed the pastors every word.

We left that church for a time and started attending an United Pentecostal church across town, you know those Jesus only people. They did all the exact same things we did at our old church except for the “3 step salvation part.” I was only six at the time but I adored that little church. We didn’t stay there long though and I never knew why. So off we marched back to the Trinitarian holiness church.

For the most part that was my religious upbringing. The upbringing of fire and brimstone, blink twice and burn in hell, “God ain’t playing with y’all,” once saved barely saved, doubt your salvation every second of the day upbringing. How did I cope with it at the tender age of two till I could escape, suffer through a lot of psychology damage? It wasn’t until later in life I realized how catastrophic my view of God was.

When I was fifteen we decided to leave that church and organization for good. We visited another little UPC church in our town. They quickly let us know we had not been in the “truth.”

To be continued.

I Just Couldn’t

I couldn’t stay once I read it in the bible for myself.
I couldn’t stay any longer when I found out that a lot of what I believed was added into scripture.
I couldn’t stay any longer once my eyes where open to the pride.
I couldn’t stay any longer when the inconsistencies in scripture were too big to ignore any longer.
I couldn’t stay any longer when after 13 years in, I still didn’t know if I was saved or not.
I couldn’t stay any longer when after 13 years I didn’t know who or what was going to save me in the end.
I couldn’t stay any longer when pastor after pastor, preacher after preacher constantly contradicted each other.
I couldn’t stay any longer when I found out other Christians loved Jesus and had a relationship with Him (I was lead to believe both of those where false) yet they didn’t hold to the same soteriology I did.
I couldn’t stay any longer when I found out about grace.
I couldn’t stay any longer and listen to the hatred, depression, fear induced, cliché, non-biblical preaching.

So, what did I do? I left Oneness Pentecostalism. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was the most traumatic experience in my life and it didn’t happen overnight. Did I ‘backslide?’ No, I did the exact opposite. I found Jesus.

To be continued.

Why I Left: Final Part 5

Continued from Part Four.

I appealed in a letter to the senior pastor because I doubted that my email would get to him. It didn’t do much good. He didn’t respond to me directly. Instead he told the other pastors and counselor (3 against one) to invite me to a brief meeting. It was only five minutes and they did most of the talking. Basically the assistant pastor apologized to me for any misunderstanding and all was forgiven. But I still came out of that meeting feeling humiliated and lied to. In fact I went into the sanctuary because the meeting had started and I couldn’t hold my tears back for about ten minutes.

On Mother’s Day the senior pastor didn’t pray for the mothers. He didn’t even ask them to stand to honor or bless them. He knew I am a mother of five. His own mother according to him was an alcoholic. That could be why he didn’t want to honor mothers. Well, they did show a short clip on the screen in honor of Mother’s Day but other than that he spent most of the service nagging or at least that’s what it felt like.

He was preparing for a three-day event of evangelism with his favorite pastors, so he asked people, “Who wanted to pray?” I think the congregation was a little surprised that he dismissed Mother’s Day in order to make it more important to pray for the three-day event. So people weren’t raising their hands at first. Then he started to really nag with his voice raised. Finally a few people started raising their hands. But as he was nagging he was saying, “If anybody doesn’t like my personality because I get angry sometimes there’s the door!” and he motioned to the exit door. I felt that God was prompting me to let that be my last day there. I felt the pastor said that and handled Mother’s Day that way to send a message to me that if I am to stay there that I shouldn’t question or check the character of the pastor against scripture.

I had enough. So I left and never came back. I did email one last time with a proposal that 1. They would put a footer in the bottom of their emails with a policy for emailing. 2. That they would have a sexual harassment seminar. 3. I would get a little bit of compensation money for having to go to therapy. I checked myself into a therapist and they confirmed it wasn’t a healthy church.

You could say I was a little ticked off. Ultimately I followed my convictions the best I knew how. But I did learn I need to use more discretion in the future with somebody of the opposite sex. I need to be more clear, concise and really limit any biblical advice to no more than twice if I don’t get a response. Then leave a church when there is a clear refusal from leadership to check their character or system against God’s standards.

He that reproveth a scorner getteth to himself shame: and he that rebuketh a wicked man getteth himself a blot. Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will love thee.
Proverbs 9:7‭-‬8

Parts One, Two and Three.

Why I Left: Part 4

Continued from Part Three.

This next part is pretty painful and I had trouble remembering the order of the next series of events which was mostly psychological warfare I felt from the pulpit.

When the senior pastor came back from his long recovery from surgeries, during the preaching, it seemed he started covertly addressing me. He said: “Sometimes issues in churches get swept under the rug and later the debris comes out.” Then he made eye contact with me. He went on and I don’t remember his words but he seemed to imply indirectly that it was getting taken care of now. Apparently, he saw something, questioned it, and something was acknowledged by the assistant pastor. Afterwards, I got a more overt message from behind the pulpit that I should say nothing. Now I got another long intense (almost threatening) stare and then he changed the subject. I believe that was the time he was most gentle from the pulpit. I felt somewhat blamed like it’s partly my fault.

It did seem like there was some form of mild discipline that happened to the assistant pastor. Because after that I didn’t see him preach or teach anymore. He also wasn’t making announcements or leading small groups that I know of.

Now, I don’t seem to be able to recollect what triggered the next time the senior pastor seemed to address me again from the pulpit, but my gut said it was a preemptive strike against me due to the pastor’s fear that I was going to spill it. I can only suspect after the discipline he read the email where I confronted his assistant pastor and he didn’t like feeling threatened that his long known right hand clergyman could be exposed in his own church, or he simply had an empathy imbalance for his assistant, or anger at the thought that I could divide the church or something. By the way, that senior pastor on different occasions has shown glimpses of his entitled and abusive nature. So let me backtrack a little bit and explain what was in that email in more detail.

As we know, Mathew 18:15 says:

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

I did that when I emailed him. It was my way of confronting him alone through the email.

You may also recall 1 Timothy 5:19 says:

Against an elder receive not an accusation, but before two or three witnesses.

I actually also told him in that email that if it didn’t stop I had 3 semi witnesses.

Two sisters knew I were going through something but they didn’t exactly know what. The third one was the church counselor, and I felt she knew because it looked like she was especially vigilant with him, and she offered me a ride home, I assumed to keep me safe.

So when I emailed him I mentioned her name as a potential witness but, lo and behold, they happened to be friends for 40+ years and working together since the church started. (Note: She later told me this.)

In the email I wrote the names of the two other sisters. So I guess he felt threatened and spun it, throwing me under the bus. Why else couldn’t he simply just reply to me personally and say, I’m sorry, I think you misread me? And why was it necessary for him to bring the counselor into it? I believe this was a manipulative tactic on his part so he could mentally abuse or gaslight me while dodging responsibility. Later, I told that to the counselor and her face contorted for a split second like she found it humorous but then quickly hid it from me. Then she lectured me about the seriousness of accusing a pastor without witnesses.

Going back to the second time the pastor covertly addressed me “allegedly.” And I do say allegedly because I think I had PTSD. This time I was sitting next to a sweet old sister I knew. In the middle of a preaching he mentioned 1 Timothy 5:20 which reads:

Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. (which applies to elders who are sinning.) Well, what he was saying about that verse was: “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” if I recall accurately I believe his eyes went looking for somebody. I wasn’t sitting in my usual place. I was in the back.

He continued: “When somebody in church is sleeping around they should be disciplined from the pulpit.” I had a gut feeling this was a preemptive strike and a threat to lie about me to my face before the congregation in order to make darn sure I wouldn’t say anything.

But again, it was only a gut feeling. I cannot make a strong case he was talking to me but when I wrote him later about it, I got no response from him. I do remember his wife telling me later that I was imagining things.

Also, later that evening was a prayer meeting at church. The pastor was there and I prayed that God would help maintain that all of us would “Study to shew {ourselves} approved unto God, workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth” (2 Timothy 2:15). After the prayer meeting was over the assistant pastor had an impressed look on his face and tried to make eye contact with me but the senior pastor seemed like he was refusing to look at me at all. The next few scheduled prayer meetings didn’t take place, which was really not normal in the two years I had attended. I assume it’s because of me.

Those are all the reasons I believe that day from the pulpit he was trying to scare me. And how would I defend myself in light of that? It’s like getting hit in the stomach and taking awhile to catch your breath. Or it’s like getting hit in the head and then having to wait days to be able to think clearly again. And if I were able to regain my strength, how could I prove his lies wrong before the congregation?

Many of the sheep seem so emotionally and psychologically enmeshed to him and would blindly believe him without question. It reminds me of the phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome. I also observed general complacent, blindfolded, mouths open waiting to be spoon-fed going on there. Unlike what I had observed in the congregation I was discipled in from a brand new baby Christian where I attended for about twelve years prior, where many seemed like Bereans. It was evident they study at home and where I was spurred on to do likewise.

To be continued.

See Parts One and Two.