Category: United Pentecostal Church | Page 44

A Time To Kill – A Time To Break Down

Part One of Two Part Series

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
‭‭…..“A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up;”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1,3‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

When you’ve been in an abusive church for any length of time things are killed in your heart and soul and things are broken down in your mind and emotions. Eventually you become spiritually crippled and emotionally damaged. This is my story…

I was in the United Pentecostal Church all my life, that’s the only religion I ever knew and even though my mother never truly believed or conformed to the rules and regulations, that was where she took my brother and I to church on Sundays.

We went mostly to please my grandmother who was the matriarch of our family. She was a pro at shaming and putting on the guilt because she truly believed it was the only way to be saved and she prayed diligently for her family. Although I was the “strange” granddaughter with an analytical and inquisitive mind; always asking questions about why the church believed this way or where was this rule in the Bible, she just wanted me filled with the Holy Ghost and that would answer all my questions. I found out later that she couldn’t tell me where the rules and regulations were located in the Bible either, but she remained dedicated and faithful unto the end.

I was baptized in 1969 and received the Holy Ghost 2 years later at Youth Camp. But my mother didn’t believe the standards were necessary and got angry with my grandmother for making me dresses and skirts. It was a very confusing time in my life and although I had received the Holy Ghost, I still couldn’t find answers to my questions.

I remember finding and reading 1 Corinthians 11: 1-15 regarding women having long hair and I noticed when they preached on long hair this was the reference that they used and always stopped at verse 15. But if you read verse 16, Paul says, “But if anyone seems to be contentious, we have no such custom, nor do the churches of God.” Which basically says we don’t have this belief and it’s not a big deal. But I held my peace because it was just easier.

Because I was pulled between pleasing my mother and my grandmother I was in and out of church throughout my teen years. I got involved with after school clubs and was a Pom Pom girl my last two years of high school. God and church were on the back burner for me.

I married my high school sweetheart, a nice non-practicing Catholic at age 18. My UPC family members were horrified and my grandmother was very disappointed because she had been praying for me to marry a minister. His family was just as horrified that I was not a nice Catholic girl.

To keep the peace we were married in a chapel and the ceremony was performed by my UPC uncle. Our son was born 2 years later when I was 20 and we were ripe for the picking when we had our son dedicated in the UPC church.

This was 1977 and the church was still involved with evangelism and we were sucked in with all the other young married couples and gave our lives to the Lord…or so we thought…we really gave our lives to the church. My husband was baptized but hadn’t received the Holy Ghost and once again I started wearing the dresses and skirts, got rid of the make up and put away my jewelry. Since it was the 70’s I still had long hair. Once again I couldn’t explain the standards to my husband nor where to find them in the Bible.

My husband was transferred to another state in 1978 and we found a UPC church close to our home and started attending and they became our family. My husband was filled with the Holy Ghost and we had several couples that we considered close friends and we thought life was good.

It was here when the abuse began….the dictatorship…. we couldn’t miss church without calling the pastor, or go on vacation without prior notice, and the pastor didn’t like women working outside the home and leaving their children to be raised by strangers and of course I worked and was beginning a good career. Our pastor had a thing about cleanliness and would make surprise visits to your home and put a pair of white gloves on looking for dust. Our home was hit several times because he was trying to catch something on me to prove his point that women shouldn’t work. I became obsessed with a clean house and he never could make me his subject for a Sunday sermon.

I was put on the troublemakers list pretty early because I wanted answers to my questions about the rules and regulations and I even did my own research and wrote papers and gave them to my pastor and asked him to explain what I found. He would get very angry that I had the audacity to question his teaching and “convictions” he received from God. The only thing he would do is tell my husband to control his wife.

In 1982, after three miscarriages, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl and our lives began to change and become more demanding. I began to teach Sunday School and I also became the pastor’s administrative assistant. He figured if I insisted on working I needed to work at the church. I really think it was because I was the only woman in church who could type and use a computer. I also was given a teaching position in the church’s Christian school and became friends with the other teachers who were not of the same faith. This was frowned upon because of our beliefs, but I persevered and held on to one friendship unto this day.

When my husband was called into the ministry, situations arose in the church. Instead of mentoring him, our pastor and his family felt threatened by my husband wanting to start a church somewhere in the state. Therefore we were not so kindly asked to leave the state and go back to Missouri, because he didn’t want “his” people leaving to attend my husband’s church.

In 1991 we loaded everything up and moved to Missouri to help my uncle in his UPC church to gain some experience. It was different to say the least. My uncle preached against everything. To him, if you spit wrong it was sin. I felt so trapped and stifled that I could hardly breath. We couldn’t even have a Christmas tree because he thought it was a sin.

Fortunately I was able to find a good job at a local college and one thing my uncle didn’t preach against was women working, because that meant more tithes. He knew everybody’s payday and like a bill collector he would knock on your door and collect your tithes. I loved my uncle but sitting under him for a year smothered me.

In 1994 a small church became available in a neighboring town and my husband was voted in as pastor. We had 9 in attendance our first service and 4 of them were our family. But those first few years were amazing. We saw new people coming in and being “saved” and our first fundraiser went to buy a baptismal tank.

My husband wasn’t hard on our people but he came down hard on our daughter and me. We had to make sure we were always dressed right and to sit and look pretty. Our son was to lead in worship by example and help wherever needed. When we went to sectional or district meetings, I was to be quiet and not talk or laugh and to keep my opinions to myself so he wouldn’t be embarrassed.

I continued to work for a few more years until the extra duties of the church, the District Ladies Ministry and the continued care of our children were too much for me and I became a full time pastors wife.

For a small church we were very active in puppet ministry, stick drama, choir, VBS, fall ladies tea, Easter and Christmas programs and community projects. The church grew to an average of 50-60.

I began teaching bible studies and the more I studied, the more concerned I became about what we were teaching. I voiced my concern to my husband but received a blank stare in return.

Around this time our church had some trouble and we had a split, losing a lot of people. This so upset my husband and I watched him change into a bitter and unforgiving man. He lost his joy and was letting the situation destroy him. I told him to rebuild or resign. He really just stopped doing anything.

Our daughter married a nice Pentecostal man (so we thought) in 2000 and our first grandchild was born in 2002. Then one weekend, while I was out of town helping our son move into an apartment where he was going to college, my husband did the unthinkable. He resigned the church, left me a note, emptied out our bank account and ran off with a worldly woman. I came home in shock with $12 in my purse. My life would be forever changed.

So I closed the books of the church and sat in several board meetings while they voted whether or not they were going to pay my bills for the month. I was so embarrassed but I made it through and turned in the church keys and left that town. It would be 18 years before I would go back.

With a lot of help from God and my parents, I was able to move my mobile home to a nice place in the St Louis area, file for divorce, and I secured a good job at a public accounting firm as an administrative assistant. I would eventually work my way up to Tax Supervisor before I retired in 2016.

Again I found another UPC church and started attending and tried to be a good Christian woman, although as a divorced woman I was marked. The married women were jealous if I even shook hands in greeting with one of their husbands and I was warned by the women to leave their husbands alone. I wasn’t interested in any man and I was hurt. Why couldn’t they see my heart was broken? That I had no interest in their husbands? Where was the love? Compassion? A pat on the back and a “hang in there!” would have been nice.

The pastor asked me to be the Ladies Ministry Leader for the church, which was odd because that position is usually for the pastor’s wife, but she didn’t want the position, so I accepted it. I was given a notebook of all the rules and regulations I was supposed to obey and be a “good example” for the ladies to follow. I don’t remember all of them, but being a faithful member and supporter of the church was close to the top, as well as dressing as becoming a godly woman and I was to exemplify the Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 women at all times. So I gave it a try and worked very hard for the next three years.

It was like pulling teeth to get the ladies to do anything or participate in any activity and they were not interested in Proverbs 31 or Titus 2. They were like the Stepford Wives. But they did enjoy honoring their pastor and his wife on pastor appreciation day and their birthdays and anniversary. They bought flowers and gifts and I tried making a suggestion on a gift but it was never good enough. One of the ladies told me that I just didn’t understand how much they all loved the pastor and his family, and they showed this by giving extravagant gifts and speeches, full of praise and honor. One year the church bough him a restored 1957 Chevy because he mentioned it was the ride of choice while he was dating his wife. I could understand why my suggestion of a $100 gift card to Bass Pro was turned down.

I never could get into the pastor worship and it seemed like idol worship to me and left a very bitter taste in my mouth. I managed to do three years as the ladies leader but I didn’t feel like I accomplished much. The ladies still acted like Stepford Wives, although I did manage to make one of the ladies that was in charge of the kitchen mad at me. So I resigned the position by submitting a letter and returning the notebook. Nothing was ever said to me about my resignation, nor about the three years I served. The pastor assigned his daughter-in-law to the position and she was hailed as the new leader and how she would do great things and etc etc.

I returned to college in 2003 to finish my Bachelors degree in accounting and going to school for the next three years, plus working full time and trying to be a good ladies leader, kept me busy. I remember telling the pastor (I learned never to ask) that I was enrolled in college and he was not pleased and thought it was a stupid idea. I told him I was single and needed to go to school so I could advance on my job and increase my earnings. Later I found out he wanted me to manage the church’s day care for $10.00 an hour. He thought that was enough for me to live on.

I persevered and graduated in June 2006 and received a promotion at work and a big raise, which increased my tithes significantly. I paid my tithes because I didn’t want to be put on “the list” that would get waved around during every sermon. He would be preaching and something would be said about tithes and he would pick up a list of names and wave it around yelling, “I have a list of names who are not paying your tithes. You are cursed with a curse and don’t come to me for help until you are paying your tithes because I can’t help you.”

It’s sad thinking back on those days and the people who were laid off and out of a job and couldn’t afford to put gas in their cars, much less pay their tithes. But couldn’t receive help from the church they supported for many years. Of course I understand that the new Lincoln pastor drove, and the fancy clothes and the newly remodeled home, was very important and needed tithe money to pay for them because they had an image to uphold….hmm.

Well with a promotion and big raise came more responsibilities and my work days became longer and I began missing the midweek services. Nothing was ever said to me for quite awhile and then only in passing that I was missed. I never thought much about that because as long as I wrote that check out every payday, attendance didn’t matter.

So after a year or so I was only attending Sunday mornings and by 2010, I was not going at all. It took the pastor 3 weeks to call me and I’m sure it was when my name came up on “the list.” When I told him I was not being fed the true word of God, and that in the 8 years I’d been attending he preached the same 9 or 10 messages and I named them: Tithes, women’s apparel, Tithes-The List, holiness, Acts 2:38, the coming of the Lord, communion, Tithes and attendance. He was offended, of course, and said some bad things to me about knowing better or something along those lines. I just said good bye and hung up the phone. I never felt freer than when I hung up that phone.

It was also during this time my daughter was going through a very messy divorce. Her husband was not a “good Pentecostal man,” but he never showed his bad side to the church and therefore it had to be my daughters fault and they took his side. I called and let them know very strongly about the abuse, the bruises and having to sneak my daughter and three granddaughters to a safe house for their protection. But it didn’t matter…the man is always right and they kept him in his positions at church and we were the outcasts.

That was my deciding factor that I was through with church and the Pentecostal ways. I knew in my heart that the doctrine was not “the truth” like we always heard; I had done enough research to know it. So my daughter and I never went back. I loved that taste of freedom.

Her ex-husband’s true nature was soon discovered when he was stalking a girl at the church and he started showing his creepy side and he was asked to leave. But we never received an apology, nor another phone call. Our days of being in a controlling cult was over and all I felt was relief.

I will end with this: When you’ve been in an abusive church for any length of time things are killed in your heart and soul and things are broken down in your mind and emotions. Eventually you become spiritually crippled and emotionally damaged….

Part Two will follow.

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Getting Out the Newer Books: Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion

Continuing on the study of the teachings on women’s apparel, I recently received the book Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion.

Chapter five is called Why God Likes Many Skirts. The author tells the story of a man knowing Morse code and it being a code that not all people know. Concerning the young man who knew Morse code he says “Obviously this young man knew something that the others simply did not know. He had paid very close attention to something all the others had missed.” (pg 96) He then goes on to talk about “modestly dressed and attired women of God” that are inquisitively observed by other people. He then says “A Bible-believing, obedient and godly woman is just simply keenly aware of some very certain, precious and spiritual truths that others are simply not aware of.” (pg 97)

In this, he sets the (probable) skirt wearer up as someone who is special and who knows special truths that others do not. By implication, he asserts that women who do not dress “modestly” (which he has not yet defined), do not have whatever secret knowledge he is referring to. We all want to be special and have secret knowledge, so perhaps the reader sits on the edge of his/her seat, wondering what special secret code he/she may become privy to. He says that the more alert woman is tuned into some very valuable instructions that others have blindly tuned out or ignored and that others perceive certain Bible verses as simply unimportant (pg 97). By this, he makes it clear that only those who interpret these Bible verses a certain way understand the secret code, or have paid attention to certain Bible instructions and all others perceive them as unimportant, which is not true.

He goes on talking about most people owning a Bible but not really taking it seriously (pg 98). He talks again about being keenly aware of divine revelations and says “I am confident that you will gain a fresh and even a new understanding and appreciation for some timeless directives…” (pg 99) thus again setting up the reader to receive what the author perceives to be divine revelation. He set up even more groundwork saying children of God are “commissioned to walk a different path than the rest of the world.” He gets the reader agreeing…yes, we are commissioned to walk a different path…yes, we want divine revelation. Like a salesman getting ready to unveil new product, he talks up the product before he lets you know exactly what he is going to unveil.

“This subject applies only to women who ‘profess godliness.’ It only applies to women who claim a devotion to God.” (pg 98) Do you agree? He asks by implication. Do you profess godliness? Do you claim a devotion to God?

Just when you think he is about to unveil the product he has been selling, he lays even more foundation yet. First he gets you to agree that you want to be devoted and then he sells a bit of fear about rejecting the product. He sells severe judgment for immorality and sin. He talks about God’s people erring (pg 100). He talks about the nation being so low into sinfulness and the prophets failing and the detestable condition they had plummeted to (pg 101). He gets the reader to agree, again, that we do see moral decline, we don’t want to be immoral and sinful. He talks about here a little and there a little and says “only sincerely interested people will find and discover truth” (pg 102).

Can you see the set up? All of this has been said without saying what he is about to say. Apparently the product doesn’t sell itself very well. It seems to need a lot of propping up. There are a lot of products out there that people seek out because they want one. Other products are expensive and hard to sell. In that case, the company usually gets a salesman to tell people why they really want and need this product and why it is so much better than the others. Then, the salesman puts in a little fear about passing up a great offer if you don’t buy now. Often, the buyer regrets his purchase after the salesman leaves and he has had time to do a little more research. Sadly, some people who buy the product don’t like to admit that perhaps they spent more on it than they should have. All in all, very good products don’t need long sales pitches.

So, from pages 95-108, it is all groundwork and sales. Only on page 108 does he finally get into what he is actually going to say. He begins to define modesty. The original word is defined as “orderly, well-arranged, decent, modest, a harmonious arrangement or adornment” (pg 109). Apparently, the author finds this to be insufficient as he goes on to define the definition for us. He says “How can we truly decide and define what modest actually is?” (pg 109). He quotes Isaiah 47:2-3 “Uncover thy locks, make bare the leg, uncover the thigh….thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea thy shame shall be seen.” The author takes liberty to interpret this passage as “according to God, whenever a woman bares her leg and allows her thighs to be uncovered it is at this point that her shame is being demonstrated” (pg 110). Why doesn’t the author take this to mean a woman shouldn’t uncover her hair or bare her leg, including her ankle? He offers no explanation, he simply says “We’ve covered the word modest” (pg 111).

He goes on concerning the word apparel, “katasole,” and says “it’s the only time it appears in the entire New Testament” (pg 111). “Kata means down” and “the second part of the word describes a long garment, covering or wrapping”….”it specifically describes a very exact and particular type of clothing. It describes a downward hanging, loose garment (a modest skirt or a dress etc.)”….”a modest, decent, downward, hanging, long (not short) appropriate dress or skirt” (pg 112). By his own mouth, he says the word katasole is in the entire New Testament one whole time. Whenever Oneness Pentecostal people are talking about Jesus name baptism they quote 2 Cor 13:1 “In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established” and say a doctrine shouldn’t be established upon one verse. How soon this is forgotten when talking about other subjects.

Deut 22:5 is mentioned (pg 113). The author talks about abominations through page 117 and about the clothing of soldiers and warriors through page 120. He talks about Western culture and that women have historically worn skirts. He says that women dressed the way they did because of the passages he referenced (pg 120). He argues that the culture has changed in the past few decades.

Again, he gets the reader’s agreement with these statements that are factually true and then, rather than asking the reader if they agree with his assessments, definitions and applications of scriptural principles as one Christian to another, he reiterates why his viewpoint is correct. He talks about the “abundance of information that has been presented in this chapter” (pg 121) forgetting to remind the reader that he provided us with Deut 22:5, which doesn’t mention anything about skirts on women, one mention of the word katasole in the New Testament and a verse from the Old Testament on modesty in which he doesn’t explain why he doesn’t believe women should keep their hair and ankles covered. The rest of what he provided is simple support for views and have nothing specifically to do with dress.

He then explains away, not his lack of resources, but that some will say he is being “too technical” (pg 122). He justifies his being “technical” by saying the Bible is like a razor.

In the end he says if you disagree with him, that apparently you don’t believe the Bible is inspired like he does. “If …all of this is too much attention to meaningless technicalities then here’s what may be a major difference between me and you: I believe that every word of the Bible is inspired by God. You perhaps don’t. And I also believe that every word of the Bible was accurately and successfully conveyed by God intently for our admonition and instruction today.” He quotes from the Bible to support his belief that you should interpret the Bible the way he does (pg 123).

He closes out by saying we should live to please “God and His Word” regardless of what the rest of the world does. So, after the long sales pitch, foundation and final unveiling of one actual scripture verse to support his belief that skirts are the only appropriate women’s apparel, if you don’t buy the product, he leaves you to question your Christianity, your beliefs and whether you are actually devoted to God. I’d say let the salesman get out the door and get the pressure off before you buy and see if there isn’t another better product, one that sells itself and doesn’t need long sales pitches and insults hurled at you to get you to buy it. If you still decide you want the product, it will still be there after you have had a chance to really look for yourself.

I have provided photos of pages 111-117. I haven’t provided them all because it is lengthy. Page 111, page 112, page 113, page 114, page 115, page 116, page 117.

(Written for the Facebook group Breaking Out.)

Getting Out the Old Books: The Literal Word by M.D. Treece
Getting Out the Old Books: Guardians of His Glory by Gary & Linda Reed
Getting Out the Old Books: David F. Gray
Getting Out the Old Books: Joy Haney
Getting Out The Old Books: Larry L. Booker
Getting Out the Old Books: Power Before the Throne
Getting Out the Newer Books: Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion
Search For Truth On Holiness

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An Email From A United Pentecostal Minister

It is rare that I get negative emails in response to my website. I believe a main reason why I do not is because I try to take care in how I present my writings, do not write with venom, and give plenty of links to UPC and Apostolic material. In fact, present Oneness Pentecostals have at times written articles that they have allowed me to present on the website and even asked me to add an article or video of theirs to the site. Every so often a negative email arrives and one came on Monday from a man who I believe is an ordained minister in the United Pentecostal Church.

But operating a website on spiritual abuse, which has the United Pentecostal Church as its secondary focus, causes some people to hate and pray against me and envision in their minds all manner of negative things about me. It just comes with the territory. I am not intimidated by a minister (or anyone else) and the things which might work in their churches with members (to place fear into them or cause them to get in line or be quiet about something), no longer works on me.

I believe this is the Glenn T. Howard, Jr. who wrote this email. It would appear that this is the article on the website that he read and references. It is the only one I have written that includes a section on David Bernard and I mention nothing personal about him, nor do I “demean his ministry” or consider him a “phony.” I am sharing Howard’s email in its entirety and wish to use it as an example of what happens when a person brings up a problem in an unhealthy church or group. In fact, I have a section about it in the article mentioned. Last year in one of my blog posts, I wrote, “The pastor, who is insecure and feels threatened, decides that there really isn’t anything wrong, that it is simply YOU. You are rebellious, a trouble maker, trying to stir up strife or division, you are unteachable, backslid…. There are a number of possible reasons why YOU have become the problem.”

The above is exactly what this man does in his email. Instead of addressing the elephant in the room, he attempts to place the focus on me. Perhaps I am one of those atheists, trying to “magnify my own ego” since he claims to not know of my beliefs, even though they are clearly posted on the website along with my UPC background. The reasons for the website are also plainly shared. Both sections of the website have been available for many years.

In addition, he was reading the article more than two years after it was originally posted. He missed all of the then transpiring online talk and some false information and misunderstandings that were spread. That is part of the reason for the “volume of minutae” it contains as it was edited on an almost daily basis at the time. There were several different issues that came into play.

In addition, if I didn’t share things to back what I was writing, my claims would be called into question and dismissed. Clarifications were being made, UPC related material disappeared from online, and incorrect information was continuing to be shared by UPC ministers and members of the organization. Many had questions about what was happening and I did my best to find answers and pull it all together. It started mainly as an article on Lee Stoneking and his speech at the United Nations and then also grew into a focus on UPC minister Art Wilson and his ministry there, along with conflicting reports and statistics given by various licensed UPC ministers.

Consider what Glenn T. Howard, Jr. does and does not do in this email. He never addresses any of the problems or conflicting statements mentioned in the article, but focuses on me and my motives. He makes me the problem. Note how that the only possible motivations he considered for me were all negative. Bad, bad, Lois! How dare I write any article on Lee Stoneking or mention inconsistencies or untruths. Though some were giving false information and distorting what happened, I am the problem and my motives must be considered wrong.

He doesn’t address things that have been shared by UPC ministers that have been proven to be untrue. Is it OK for them to give false information or claims and should they never be called out for such things? Why is calling them out on these things considered to be demeaning them? I didn’t say or write them; they did. Yet I am compared with an atheist having a wrong motivation simply because I wrote about these things.

Is sweeping it all under the rug what should be done; should the elephant in the room never be acknowledged or mentioned? Is it only doctrine that should be discussed? If a minister tells an untrue story or misrepresents facts, should such things be allowed or ignored because they have a “ministry?” Why is it that when such things are pointed out, the one doing so gets accused of saying or thinking things about people which they never did? At least in this communication I wasn’t threatened with hell.

Here the email in its entirety:

Having reviewed your lengthy blog concerning Lee Stoneking/David Bernard/UPCI in general, I must confess that while disagreement on a number of issues embraced by the UPCI et al is not uncommon, I fail to see why such a volume of minutae is a deemed necessary to disprove that with which we disagree.

In the long run, what difference does it make? Are your writings designed to be a kind of rescue operation to get people out of the clutches of a major Pentecostal “cult”? I note too, that for some reason many atheists feel this deep seated need to broadcast their opposition to God in general and Christianity in particular, even to the point of intense ridicule. Surely there can be no doubt that their motivation, when the layers are peeled back, is to magnify their own ego. It gives them great pleasure to do those things that, in their mind, makes them feel they are “winning”.

Which makes me wonder- what is really your own motivation in producing the (evidently) highly researched material that shows up on your blog? Are you on some kind of crusade that somehow gives you a sense of worth?

If the Bible is true, and if the apostles of Jesus preached the truth of God, and if we find that truth in the book of Acts in the history of the establishment of the early church, and if that truth consists of the necessity of repentance, baptism in the name of Jesus Christ, and being filled with the Holy Spirit, and if a great number of people have embraced their doctrine and have given their lives to God, what is the big issue? What possible good can be derived from denigrating the ministries of Stoneking, Bernard et al? By “exposing” them for the phonies you apparently believe they are- what does this accomplish?

It is one thing to take issue because of doctrinal disagreement. There is a time and place to dispute error, of that there is no doubt, and some good can indeed come from it. But to demean the ministries of the men such as you have named, with such intensity… where do you hope to go with all that?

When all was said and done and you pressed that ENTER key for the last time, and sent your missive out into the ether did you feel a certain satisfaction that said “So there!” or “Take that!” ? And is this something that you plan to continue doing? Not knowing, of course, what your position is on issues, or whether or not you even believe in the truth of the Bible, and even if you do, I can’t help but wonder, doesn’t life hold more for you? I mean really, doesn’t it?

Glenn T Howard, Jr.

Since I have been operating the website since 1997, I think it is clear that I plan on continuing. In fact, I already have two people who have agreed to take the reigns whenever I am no longer able to do so.

I leave you with a quote to consider from The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen:

The most powerful of all unspoken rules in the abusive system is what we have already termed the ‘can’t talk’ rule. The ‘can’t talk’ has this thinking behind it: ‘The real problem cannot be exposed because then it would have to be dealt with and things would have to change; so it must be protected behind walls of silence (neglect) or by assault (legalistic attack). If you speak about the problem out loud, you are the problem. In some way you must be silenced or eliminated.’ Those who do speak out are often told, ‘We didn’t have all these problems until you started shooting your mouth off. Everything was fine before you started stirring things up.’ Or else, to make it sound really spiritual, ‘You were angry- you didn’t confront the matter in a ‘loving’ way. So it proves you weren’t handling the matter in a mature, Christian manner.’ In either case, the problem remains.

The truth is, when people talk about problems out loud they don’t cause them, they simply expose them.

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The hardest thing about spiritual abuse

In early 2000 I was thrown out of a church. The process lasted several agonizing weeks, but things had been very bad for months. There was the man who kept telling me he was praying I’d lose my job because I was a woman and should work close to the church. There were the high standards that made no sense to me, the preaching about begging God for a special revelation of oneness because if you didn’t have that you would surely go to hell… after all, if you didn’t have that, you surely didn’t know God. The pastor bragged about his long fasts and groaned about people not wanting to ‘hear the truth.’ He didn’t share information with everyone, just with the men. The men were to tell their wives at home, which excluded me as a single woman. He told me that I needed a man over me, that I should either get married or move home to my dad’s house. Neither of those was an option. And there was the sermon about how if we leave our local church we have cut ourselves off from God, from life, from forgiveness, as though we have amputated ourselves from the body of Christ.

I remembered last night how, on December 31, 1999, I was terrified that God was going to come back and thought I’d surely be lost. I spent that night on the living room floor, sobbing and begging God to forgive me for who knows what, and never feeling any peace or forgiveness. I realize in my mind now that what I was dealing with was not conviction but condemnation, and fear, not godly sorrow or repentance. There was no peace or forgiveness because I wasn’t repenting of anything. I’d done nothing wrong except attend where I did and believe what I did, and those weren’t things I would recognize should be repented of for many years.

God didn’t come back on December 31, 1999. The pastor told me about a month later that he discerned I had bad thoughts and if I didn’t change, he would throw me out. He then left town for several weeks. How does a person change thoughts someone thinks they have, but they don’t? I ‘repented.’ I spent hours more on the floor, sobbing and asking God to change me. I stopped eating, thinking I would fast until they returned. But I thought they would be gone for a week at most, not several. I finally had to eat, and felt I was condemning myself by doing so. I tried to reach them by phone so that I could talk to them before breaking my fast, but they wouldn’t answer at first and then answered only to tell me to stop calling them. I called everyone at the church asking them to forgive any offense real or imagined, and was later accused of calling them threatening to kill myself instead.

These things had a psychological impact, but the spiritual impact was greater. I’d started attending there with a fairly healthy view of God and faith. By the time I left, my self confidence had been torn out from under me (I felt guilty just for being invited out to eat, because ‘saints’ shouldn’t eat with the ungodly-1 Cor 5:11), but more than that, my faith in God had been shredded as well. I repented, but I hadn’t felt forgiveness, and certainly hadn’t seen any forgiveness from others at the church, not even the ‘man of God,’ the pastor. I begged God for the special revelation we supposedly must have, but never really understood or experienced anything about this ‘revelation’ as the pastor described it. I fasted for days but was still thrown out. My pastor had discerned something evil in me, some thought I didn’t know I had, and though I’d prayed and fasted and repented, things only got worse.

Above all of this, these things had happened during a time when I’d thought I was closest to God. I was praying in tongues often, studying the bible, feeling the emotionalism in church, living by the high standards set, close to the pastor and his family (at least in my mind), repeatedly playing the sermons and music I was told to, and was very involved in bus ministry, Sunday School, and music at church.

All of these ended the night the pastor called me and told me never to come back. No one but me ever realized they ended, because that night I lost every person who might have known. I went to another similar church, but was told there to pretend nothing had happened and just ‘move on’. I couldn’t move on, though, and I couldn’t talk about the reasons I couldn’t, since I was to pretend nothing was wrong… and since admitting these things would have been good reason for the new pastor to label me ‘backslid.’ The only thing to do at that point would be to ‘pray through’. More fear, more nights on the floor sobbing, begging God for something that at that point I knew wouldn’t happen. To make matters worse, just as I would start to heal somewhat and begin to feel that there might be hope, something else would happen and the doubts would come back, as well as all of the memories.

Of everything that happened in my 19 years in Pentecost, that’s what had the most lasting damage. That combination–the fear, the condemnation, the false teachings that backed them, but most of all the doubt that they instilled. Not just self doubt, but faith shattering doubt of the Bible and of God.

Things are better now. I am healing, slowly. There have been times I wanted to just walk away from all of it. It would be easier not to believe than to fight through the mess that was left after everything happened. But there have also been times of learning and growth, and for me, these have been the most healing, times when I saw the scriptures that were used against me in a different light and I realized how wrongly they’d be used, times when I recognized some of what caused the damage and was able to rebuild, to heal, and to finally move forward, not as though nothing had happened, but in spite of what has.

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Christianity Without the Cross Giveaway

This is only open to those with a USA mailing address. (Unfortunately, it is cost prohibitive to mail books outside of the USA. Canadians with a USA mailing address are welcome to enter.)

We have given away books for years as part of the spiritualabuse.org ministry. This is your chance to receive a used copy of Christianity Without the Cross by Thomas Fudge. This has been a sought after book for many but the cost has often prohibited people from obtaining a copy. This book covers Oneness Pentecostal history, and highlights the United Pentecostal Church, of which Mr. Fudge was once a member. You will discover things that most ministers in the group do not openly share and some do not know. The first link will take you to Amazon where you may read more information. We have three copies to give away. One has some minor highlighting.

To read an article by Mr. Fudge about why he wrote the book. go here.

This giveaway is a little different as it is a drawing and not a first come, first served giveaway. To enter, just leave a comment on this post to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on May 25 at 6pm (eastern time), after which I will draw three winners. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter.

Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as comments require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers. In our large giveaway from this week, just under $58 has been spent so far in postage alone. The cost for this giveaway was $41.32 for the three books and $9.36 for postage. That does not include mailing supplies.

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