Category: my experience | Page 5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Losing My Identity

Some of us who left the abusive church environment faced an identity crisis. After years, even decades, of involvement, the church is a part of us. Its structure and belief systems are part of who we were.

In nearly 27 years of being deeply involved in the church, it was a very crucial part of what made me the man I became. When talking to others, I shared how I was a Christian, a licensed minister in a church, and a member of our nation’s armed forces. My faithfulness in the church and my military career were deeply intertwined; I saw each milestone as not only a moment of personal achievement, but a testimony of how God used me to be an example to the men and women I served with. As I advanced in rank and earned my warfare qualifications in the Navy, the pastor also shared this with the congregation. We had a large number of men and women in the church who served in the military and had the same testimony. We made the church look great through our personal successes.

20 years of faithful, honorable service led to the privilege of retiring from the Navy. As I made the move to civilian life, I wanted to use the same drive to be that testimony to the people around me. I sought to be the best I could be in “the real world” just as I did in the service. My identity was still one where church, career, and service were intertwined. Each achievement on the job I took as an example of how God used me to be that example to everyone around me.

Then, the day came where everything was stripped from me. A year after starting a new job, I asked about changes in the church’s direction and teachings. I felt we were drifting from biblical teachings to a more watered down message. I sensed a loss of urgency in preaching the gospel. I also questioned why the church changed its name, removing ‘Apostolic‘ from it.

I voiced my concerns about embracing the 501(c)(3) IRS code, which places restrictions on what churches can and cannot say. There was also the discovery, through the state sex offender registry, that a church elder served time in prison for molesting an underage girl. Note: I didn’t have an opportunity to discuss the issue concerning the elder, but others did after my departure. I voiced my concerns to another elder, and my response was “I understand, brother, but HE’s the pastor.” This was a polite way of saying I was no longer welcome.

The reality of that statement floored me as I drove home. Decades of dedication to the church, forging a crucial part of what made me the man I became, was rendered void in one 10 second answer. My identity was taken away from me.

I have no answers to anyone at this time on how to find or create a new identity after being stripped by the church. I’m still working on that myself. I know I still believe in Jesus Christ, am a proud veteran, and a loving soul. At the same time, being booted from the church stripped me of a major part of my identity. I still struggle as many do in finding a church home where I can feel wanted, safe, and able to make a difference.

God bless us all as we reconstruct our lives in Him.

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Finances: Church or Family?

In my over 25 years of being involved in abusive churches, one theme seems to be common in almost all of them. Regardless of doctrine, they all sound identical when it comes to money.

I attended churches where tithing was taught as mandatory for believers. We were told that the tithe came first before all things – bills, taxes, child support, mortgages, and any other expenses. Malachi 3 was drilled in our heads and we were told to never rob God of His portion. The pastors and teachers always differentiated between tithes and offerings. We GAVE offerings, and PAID tithes.

One United Pentecostal Church evangelist shared a story where a single mother who barely made ends meet asked for counsel. She asked the evangelist whether she should pay her mortgage instead of her tithe since her income didn’t afford her the means to do both. His response was loud and clear: “I would rather miss a house payment than to make God angry because He wasn’t put number one!” To this day I don’t know if that woman ever got her financial situation fixed.

As one of the faithful men, I made sure my tithe was the first thing I paid. For over 20 years all seemed to be well; my military career was pretty successful up until I retired in 2005. My first couple years working civilian jobs went the same way. Good income, tithes paid on time. Bills and other expenses were on track with funds left over. Then, disaster hit.

In late 2007 my marriage began to fall apart, and in conjunction with that my finances took a dive. I was left to clean up a nasty mess left by my wife, and it drove me to bankruptcy. I went to the UPCI pastor at the church I attended for help and guidance as my dreams of marriage and family crashed and burned. The pastor’s first question was “Brother, why did you stop tithing?” He was quicker to ask that than to offer direction in trying to save my marriage. I didn’t know what to say.

Looking back I am appalled at the pastor’s priorities. When pastors and preachers tell parishioners to choose between tithing and family, it places a believer in a no-win scenario: pay the bills and be guilty of robbing God, or pay the tithe and be guilty of not providing for one’s household. Either way the believer loses, and that’s a terrible place to be. No pastor worth his or her salt should ever spiritually extort a believer like this. In my experience I even saw a family lose their home to foreclosure despite being faithful in their tithing and giving. To the best of my knowledge, the church never offered to help this family keep their home. They ended up relocating to another state and eventually found another church.

This is one reason why I have trouble now trusting church leadership. The leaders live luxuriously like kings while congregants exist in poverty. The tithe, one meant for the Levites (nowhere is it mentioned for the New Testament church), basically pays the preacher’s salary and the “Sunday Morning Entertainment.”

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Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 4

Continued from Part 3.

Having tasted the forbidden fruit of truth, I couldn’t close my eyes ever again. Action needed to be done. I worked on a reform proposal during the deployment, and I arranged a meeting with the pastor upon my return. I first went home on leave.

During my time home, I suffered an emotional meltdown. I was overwhelmed with the realization those whom I trusted the most lied to me about the most important things. I returned rested and recovered. The pastor left his desk and actually sat in the chair next to me – something he rarely did. The pastor then informed me my reform proposal was rejected in its entirety. I was floored. I thought for sure because I had been involved with the ministry as long as I had, plus was considered an elder, the leadership would listen to me. I was dead wrong.

A few months would pass before I finally found my exit. While I waited, I continued to read and interact with those on the website, realizing I couldn’t continue the charade of being in a ministry built on corruption and lies.

My moment came on March 19, 2003. A church meeting was held where we were all issued 3×5 cards where we were to mark YES or NO concerning our confidence in the leadership. I wrestled with the decision, but I believe at that instant God told me to write NO on the 3×5 card. It was time to leave.

Truth isn’t always pleasant. At the same time, truth is liberating. I have no regrets eating that forbidden fruit.

Rescuing Randy is one mother’s story about the harm caused by L.R. Davis, who started as a United Pentecostal Church minister.

Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 1
Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 2

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Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 1

A recently published article by the Washington Post brought to my remembrance the refusal of my former church to properly address the criminal actions of the founder. Indeed, the last thing any church wants to believe is that those in leadership were actually guilty of the act they were accused of doing.

In my former church, a concerted effort went forward to proclaim the founder’s innocence, and to discredit anyone who tried to refute the narrative. After the founder was convicted, the leadership continued pushing the narrative he was falsely accused and thus wrongly convicted. Those who spoke against this were disfellowshipped and expelled. To my shame, as a minister I supported the church in this effort for almost a decade. I didn’t want to believe the “man of God” was even capable of committing such awful things. I didn’t want to even consider he was guilty of molesting children.

The founder died in prison. Less than a year after his death, a couple who left the church launched a website exposing the ugly truth of the founder’s activities and other practices the ministry did to keep everyone in the dark and under the leadership’s control. The new general pastor was livid. He put out a directive to everyone in the congregations that reading the website could lead to expulsion. It was, in the pastor’s eyes, tantamount to consorting with the enemy.

When this was announced, I was stationed aboard a ship where no other members were assigned. I had almost unfettered access to the computers at work, and I began to sample the forbidden fruit of truth.

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Can a Pastor Offer Destructive Advice?

In my years of being in abusive churches, I was led to trust the input and advice of the “Man of God.” Any major life decision – be it college, getting married, or professional – we were to go to the pastor for counsel.

I spent most of my military career in Norfolk, Virginia. Norfolk was and still is a major Navy town, brimming with active duty and veterans. On several occasions when I was up for transfer orders, I did what any faithful member would do. I went to the pastor for counsel and direction. At this particular time, I had 11 years in the Navy and a chief at my command suggested I apply for a commissioning program. The pastor had a different recommendation: NO.

Why? He felt at that time if I pursued a commission that I would be more involved with command duties and less time with “the ministry.” Eventually he eased up his position on members joining the officer ranks, but I wonder if it was because officers could stay in the military longer plus make more money. This came too late for me, though.

I took the pastor’s advice over that of the chief. End result: I retired from the Navy after 20 years, but my advancement in rank stalled at E-6. While I am proud of my service, I can’t help but wonder if my career would have gone further had I listened to the chief.

The lesson I learned from this was that pastors may mean well, but they aren’t the subject matter experts in every aspect of a person’s life. This left me wondering what might have been professionally.

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