Category: my experience | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Blindsided: Our Letter to the Witnesses

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

As we prepared to leave Antioch Baptist Church in early September 2018, I began to assemble a document describing the events that transpired from June 2018 to September 2018 that eventually led up to our departure. This document included, but was not limited to, transcripts of Douglas Stauffer’s voicemail, private Facebook messages between Pastor Andrew Ray, Douglas Stauffer, Matthew Olds, and myself, as well as copies of the email sent to our pastor about the harassment, and summaries of the meetings that took place.

My husband, simply desiring peace, was not supportive of the idea, but Pastor Andrew Ray’s words continued to repeat in my head about how we were not supposed to know that about the letter to the Crawfords*. The church’s letter not only dismissed the Crawfords* from church membership and the Antioch Baptist Bible Institute, but even callously threatened to contact their oldest daughter’s religious educational establishment should their family not leave in a way acceptable to the ones behind the letter! I find it ironic that Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer repeatedly attempted to invalidate my concerns by claiming them as merely transference from my past, and yet, Pastor Andrew Ray stooped as low as my mentor’s husband (Randy) to threaten a teenager’s college education as a means of silencing and control!

Both agreeing that such actions were not only appalling but manipulative, my husband I finally compromised by deciding to limit the recipients of the document we had created to just the few witnesses present at the final meeting with Douglas Stauffer. My husband desired to not cause division or strife, but I had felt strongly that our church needed to know the truth.

A copy of the abstract and list of documents sent to the witnesses is provided below:

To Our Friends and Family at Antioch Baptist Church

Abstract:

This message/email is sent to inform our fellow members and church family at Antioch Baptist Church of events on-going from June 3, 2018 to the beginning of September 2018 despite attempts to reconcile. Despite apologizing for the initial Facebook post, Doug Stauffer continued to harass my family in June. Two months later in August, after my wife attempted the beginning of possibly making amends, he endeavored to bully our family once again under the guise of attempting to move forward. On August 22, 2018, he approached us to say that he wants to clarify things and attempt to rectify the situation, but if not possible, he said that he will step down, leave, and the prior accusations of harassment will be brought before the church. Because accusations of harassment were brought up to Pastor Ray following the incident in June, Stauffer falsely believed himself to be a victim of the #MeToo movement. By further threatening to step down and leave without resolution, he further believed himself to be the victim, rather than the perpetrator. Pastor and Stauffer have continually stated that the accusations are a mere transference of my wife’s history with spiritual abuse to negate the validity of said accusations.

When asking pastor to attend the meeting so he would be aware of threats of stepping down and leaving by a Sunday School teacher, Pastor accused my wife and I of attempting to hurt our church based on actions in June. He further attempted to control the number of witnesses and who the list consisted of, as well as threatened to have men present in the meeting to address these past actions. We have compiled a list of correspondence between Stauffer, Pastor, and my family so that our those present in the meetings can be informed of the facts in case that a men’s meeting is called after we have left the church. This way, at least we may have some representation from those men. We have further decided to leave Antioch Baptist Church for the sake of peace in this situation that keeps blowing up in our faces time and time again. I am aware that sending this may not appear to be peaceable, but we are not wanting everyone in the church to know necessarily. Again, this is simply in case there is a meeting called in which there is a meeting pertaining to my family.

The following is a list of Documents included, [followed] by Key Information about the Documents Included on the following Page:

A. Original Facebook Message by Crystal Olds on June 3, 2018

B. Transcript of Stauffer’s Voicemail to Matthew Olds on June 3, 2018 after Evening Service

C. Transcripts of Stauffer’s Messages at Antioch Baptist Church

D. Facebook Correspondence between Doug Stauffer, and Matt and Crystal Olds

E. Facebook Correspondence between Pastor Ray and Matt Olds

F. New Facebook Apology Post by Crystal Olds

G. Facebook Correspondence between Pastor Ray, Doug Staffer, and Matt and Crystal Olds

H. Private Message Sent from Doug Stauffer to Crystal Olds (Matt Olds not included)

I. Continued Messages between Pastor Ray, Doug Stauffer, Matt and Crystal Olds

J. Replacement Apology Facebook Post by Crystal Olds

K. Summary of Tuesday Meeting with Doug Stauffer, Matt and Crystal Olds, and Grayson Campbell* (witness)

L. Summary of Tuesday Meeting with Pastor Ray and Matt Olds

M. Twitter Post from Doug Stauffer on Thursday

N. Meeting with Pastor Ray on the following Sunday

O. Apology from Doug Stauffer on Monday Evening

P. Apology to Crawfords* on Tuesday

Q. Text Messages Between Pastor Ray and Crystal Olds (Matthew Olds Included) about Apology to Mary*

R. Email to Pastor Ray with Accusations of Harassment from Doug Stauffer and Analysis of Doug Stauffer’s character

S. Meeting with Pastor Ray and Matthew Olds about Email about Harassment

T. Text Message Between Pastor Ray and Crystal Olds (Matthew Olds Included) after Meeting Between Pastor Ray, Matthew Olds and Crystal Olds

U. Doug Stauffer’s August attempts at bullying, creating a hostile environment

V. Phone Conversation with Pastor the Day Before Meeting with Doug Stauffer

W. Meeting with Doug Stauffer with Three Witnesses

X. Letter of Resignation Given to Pastor Ray on Sunday, September 9, 2018 Following the Morning Service

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Finally Speaking Out” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Betrayed by Prophecy

It’s been some time since I last shared an experience here. With a crazy work schedule and issues involving my kids, it’s been busy for me of late. Tonight I was in a discussion about prophecies made that were never fulfilled. It brought back some really painful memories.

In 2011, I was invited to a United Pentecostal Church Men’s Conference for the Maryland/DC District in Arnold, Maryland. For a good part of the afternoon I had a good visit with different people from congregations in the area I never met before. We got to hear a couple of men speak. One was drawn out and sounded more like a prosperity gospel preacher (think Robert Tilton or a toned down Kenneth Copeland). His name I don’t remember. The next speaker was a man I now wish would have kept his fool mouth shut.

Doug Klinedinst is a major player in the UPCI. He is active in international evangelism for the organization. After delivering his sermon, Doug called us all to the front of the church where we began to pray and he started to prophesy over people. He looked directly at me and said, “I never met you before but the Lord showed me you have a storm going in your life. Brother, that storm is coming to an end!” In good faith I rejoiced and even spoke in tongues, believing the marital problems I had along with stuff I dealt with at work was going to be resolved.

That ‘prophecy’ was anything but true. In fact, the storm got worse not better. First, in December 2011 I was laid off. I found work a few weeks later but was making less than half what I earned at my previous employer. The marital issues became a royal mess. Finally, in 2013 I was kicked out of the UPCI church I attended in Essex, Maryland. That congregation is still around but is no longer affiliated with the UPCI.

I would later write a lengthy and detailed correspondence to Doug explaining what happened and asked for an apology to own up for his actions. To this day he never answered me.

Do I still believe in spiritual gifts? Yes I do! Am I going to be so quick to file down the altar to be prophesied over? No way!

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When Suicide is Selfless (Part 2): A Mother’s Love

Sliding down the beige-colored drywall, slumped down on the soft carpet beneath, a woman weeps bitterly for her life long-gone, faced with the insurmountable complexities and intricacies of motherhood for the first time. Months have passed since the traumatic birth of her son, but she still finds herself searching for the solace of the quiet dining room floor in the dead of night, tears flowing, skin crawling, wondering how to make it through another day. During her extended hospital stay, she discovered the continual flashbacks were a symptom of postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (P-PTSD), but it provided little comfort to the new mother as she struggled to breastfeed her jaundiced baby who fell asleep immediately after latching on. As she contemplated her decisions during birth, she concluded that her inability to birth her child without intervention led to the newborn’s difficulty in feeding, jaundice, and weight gain. Pediatricians ignorant to the struggles of breastfeeding only amplified the confusion and stress as they continued to push for supplementation and pumping to determine production rate. To the new mother, formula signified that her body failed her once again in what should have been one of the most natural forms of nourishment and care.

Diaper change. Nurse. Diaper leak. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby falls asleep. Lays baby down. Startle reflex. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby falls asleep. Lays baby down in the bassinet and baby lies still. She collapses on the bed where her husband sleeps peacefully, his body regaining necessary strength for another day of demanding work. She closes her eyes in hopes of a mere thirty minutes to rest her weary mind, but is he breathing? Will she wake up to find the cold, lifeless body of the one she carried and agonized over for nine months as countless mothers before her? Will God take her baby too? It is not that she is avoiding trying to get her spiritual walk back where it used to be. She managed just enough time this morning to pull her black leather Bible off the shelf. Peeling back the old familiar pages, yellowed from her morning devotions in Bible college, she longed for the peace she experienced those mornings, huddled alone in the brisk stairwell studying before class, pouring her heart and soul to hide God’s Word in her heart. Those words carried her through the days, through the complications of social life and drama, the intensities of college papers and final exams, coupled with the extenuating circumstances of her mentors back home.

Her chest tightened this morning against the air she had left, forcing the darkening pit yet deeper into her stomach as she stared at the black ink, smudged from often tears. Forcing herself to begin, she turned the dried pages to the book of Proverbs, a hidden plethora of crippling landmines yet a well-acquainted guide. She quickly found her mind racing back to her bed at her parent’s home. Peering out the window of the bedroom that day, phone in hand, tears streaming down her face, she wondered when her mentor, Brother Thomas, would forgive her of her most recent transgression. When would his wife, Mrs. Julie, see that she was not trying to mess up again? When would she be allowed to go back to her old church family, rather than searching for one over an hour away? Her body froze, tense with the blanket of emotions she experienced that week, reliving them again and again until her baby let out a shriek, waking up from a few moments of slumber. She failed in completing her Bible reading but would have to try again another day. Instantly, a chill shutters through her tired body, bringing her back to the present. The baby! Is he still okay? She sits up and listens for his breath, but all she hears is the hum of her husband’s CPAP. She leans closer to the bassinet listening ever more intently, hoping just for the soft whisper of the air. Maybe she could simply touch the top of his chest and feel his lungs as they rise and fall, if they were even still moving. The young child stirs just slightly, appearing to fall back sleep, only to whimper and then scream for milk.

Diaper change. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays the baby down. Startle reflex. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays the baby down. Baby starts to cry. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby finally falls asleep again. The mom kisses him good-bye and lays back down, hoping and praying that her baby makes it through the night. She hears footsteps in the distance, a creak in the floor boards. Slowly, she climbs out of bed, intensely watching the hallway light under the door for movement. She lays down at the base of the locked bedroom door. Waiting. Watching. Listening. Heart pounding. Mind racing. Surely, God would not allow someone to break in and take away the most precious things in her life again. Oh, the irony that would be. Everything precious to her goes away. It never lasts. She stays there frozen for what seems like hours until she finally builds up the courage to check the house for the third time that night. Coming back into the room, locking the door, she sits on the bed near the bassinet. Is he breathing? Again, sitting there staring, listening, watching for any sign of life. Laying back down again, the baby’s stomach shoots up acid, burning his little throat, sending him sputtering and coughing, almost drowning on his own fluids. She races to the side of the bassinet and picks him up, frantically patting his back and waiting for him to scream with full intakes of air. She sits in the all-too familiar ottoman to nurse, the cushion worn with use. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays baby down to sleep. But will he make it through the night?

Needing out of the small room and hoping not to wake her husband or baby, the mother finds her place on the dining room floor, finally able to allow the out-pouring of tears, pooling in the dark circles under her eyes. Her old mentor’s words still race through her mind, “The only reason you want to get married is to have sex and to have babies.” His words haunt her day by day, over-spiritualizing yet condemning her desire for children. All I want right now is sleep. All I’ve wanted for months is sleep. Why isn’t he gaining weight? Why is my body failing him? The three-month-old still nurses forty-five minutes out of every hour during the day, giving a mere fifteen to twenty-minute break before nursing again. Why can I not figure out what my son needs? His undiagnosed lip-tie and tongue tie wears out the poor baby before he can finish a meal. He falls asleep with only a snack and wakes up shortly after, starving and not gaining weight. A six-month insurance complication further prevents the scrawny baby from receiving a proper evaluation of the ties. Her heart cringes as people coo over the baby, exclaiming how tiny he is. “Look at those little cheeks,” the older women always say. “You better enjoy it. It only gets harder from here.”

Her eye catches the masses of material, thread and snaps for cloth diapers swallowing up the table. At least she is attempting to sew? The Proverbs thirty-one woman “seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands” (Prov 31:13 ). How do other mothers balance caring for multiple children when she is drowning under the expectations of one? Awake at all hours of the night, she nurses in the chair for hours on end. For the first several months, she took to laying down on the couch in the mornings to nurse in hopes of catching up on just a moment of sleep. Those moments turned into broken hours of slumber, but never feeling rested or rejuvenated, always exhausted and trapped in the mundane cycle of nursing and changing diapers. The dishes would overflow onto the countertops as the laundry lounged on the hallway floor for days. “She riseth also while it is yet night” (Prov 31:15). “All her household are clothed with scarlet” (Prov 31:21). Why is it never enough? “Enjoy this time,” they said. “You will miss these days. They grow up so fast.” By the time she would have the strength to force herself off the couch, it would already be afternoon and almost time for her husband to come home. “All you do is sleep all day,” her husband scolded, weary from a long day at work.

Her blood boils within her, recollecting the nights he has fallen asleep on the couch as she nursed the baby for hours on end, her husband snoring loudly and keeping the baby awake. She recently adapted an extensive cleaning program to aide in keeping up on the little apartment, striving to be a “keeper at home” (Titus 2:5), but her mind now becomes fixated on completing minuscule details, even waking up at two in morning to “shine the sink” or “swish and swash the bathroom.” The day before, her husband’s socks mocked her from the bedroom floor while the unorganized silverware in the dishwasher sent her into almost uncontrollable fury. She is clueless that rage is yet another symptom of the postpartum depression that overtakes her day by day.

Her mind shoots back to her sleeping child. Even if he makes it through the night, is he even going to be able to make it through the next few days? We could lose him at any time. His pediatrician is afraid he has whooping cough. His little body has been sick for days, congested, coughing, gasping and lethargic. The new mother and father made the decision not to give him the new pertussis vaccine after three accounts of life-threatening reactions in the family history, including one tragic death. The new a-cellular pertussis vaccine is still the same formula, but simply a lower dose. Despite immense pressure from the pediatrician’s office and health department, the parents give everything except the pertussis vaccine. Now her child might die in her arms. She’s spent hours holding her child, weeping over his frail body, researching about the symptoms and progression of whooping cough, waiting anxiously for the results. If it is pertussis, the treatment is the same medication that can take his life. The test results take two weeks, but the sickness is lethal within ten days.

Oh God, please don’t take my baby away. I’m trying so hard. She knows God answers prayer as she has seen Him answer in the past. Please look past my failures in prayer and see my baby. Even after hours of counsel, the young mother has yet to re-learn how to pray. Under Mrs. Julie, she followed a set pattern, and oh, how she saw God work, first asking God how she should worship him, waiting for the answer, and then praying. Then she would ask how God desired for her to thank Him, then wait and pray. She asked what she needed to confess, how He wanted her to pray for others, and then for herself, always waiting for the answer before praying. She would commonly see up to five directly answered prayers in a day when she depended on and walked ever so close with the Lord. Her heart yearns to be able to pray again, but re-programming from the cultish-mindset prevents her, fear of her past overwhelms her, and the anguish of broken trust in the God she once loved breaks her at the core. He was supposed to protect her.

But how can she pray for her son now, knowing that she hasn’t “kept short lists with God”? Iniquity hides His face from her that He will not hear (Isaiah 59:2). She believes her son could die because she isn’t right with the Lord. “The effectual fervent prayer of a RIGHTEOUS man availeth much” (James 5:16). He is a righteous God of judgment after all. Maybe Mrs. Julie was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready spiritually for marriage, and much less for motherhood. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married and my husband should have married someone else that can truly care for him, his children, and a home. Her mind wanders and races, remembering the days of her and her husband’s courtship, the days they talked for hours, jesting and exchanging glances. He deserves a virtuous wife who is still faithful to and studies God’s Word diligently and can encourage him to do the same, not someone who panics with reminders of the past. The tears well-up as she remembers her pregnancy, filed with anxiety but with greater joy in anticipation of a baby boy on the way. He deserves a mom who can “train him up in the way he should go” (Prov 22:6). He deserves so much more.

The young new mom leans over, weeping bitterly for her family. They deserve so much more. Lifting her head, her vision blurred and eyes stinging, intrusive thoughts once again race before her as a daily ritual. “There’s a large knife in the kitchen.” What? No. She vigorously shakes her head as if it makes the idea disappear. “There’s a gun in the bedroom.” Where is this coming from? Besides, guns have recoil. It probably would not work. “There are other ways.” No. I’m not going there. “Your family deserves so much more. What will your children become if their own mother cannot read her Bible and pray? What you cannot handle around the house becomes a burden on your husband. It would be better if you stepped out of the way so God can use someone else to help and support them the way they need and deserve.” She leans back over to weep, but suddenly hears the baby from the backroom. He needs milk again in order to fall back asleep. Little does she know that these intrusive thoughts will continue for many more months to come.

Perinatal mood disorders (postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, bipolar disorder, psychosis, etc.) are actual disorders, valid despite the stigma society attempts to place on them. Combine that with the destructive results of spiritual abuse and one is left as a ticking time bomb. When society says “suicide is selfish: it’s all about attention,” they invalidate the emotional heartache and physical pain of the sufferer, only intensifying the anguish. Suicide is often a cry for help because of seemingly insurmountable suffering. For others, the focus is on attempting to end the pain of those close to them, the ones they love and care for. Sometimes, it’s SELFLESS. But depression and suicide lie, speculating the problems end with death, but truly, it’s only exacerbated for those that are left behind. There IS hope, and there IS a way out that does not involve ending a precious life.

If you are contemplating suicide, there is no reason to be ashamed. Nothing good comes out of a life lost. You are truly precious in God’s eyes. Seek out a friend or family member, a general care provider, or call the Suicide Hotline at 1(800) 273-8255. You can also text 741741 and a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. It’s a free service to anyone who lives in the United States and it’s run by the Crisis Text Line. There is a also a Facebook Group called “Suicide Hotline: Crises and Prevention” that attempts to answer questions quickly and is there for help and support. [2024 EDIT: The group is no longer available.] Suicide is not “always selfish,” but it is blind, and fails to show that not only are there are other ways, but that your life is worth living.

When Suicide is Selfless (Part One): Within the Cult

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Constance’s United Pentecostal Church Experience

Below is what one woman experienced being raised in an unhealthy church, how it distorted her view of God causing her to become angry and bitter, and how she has been recovering since leaving. I have added some commentary after it that deals with the standards.

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Here are the facts/reasons why I left the United Pentecostal Church organization when I was 19 years old after being brought up from birth in the same church/organization.

I left as an angry and bitter teenager. I left thinking God (if there was one) was far too unobtainable. He appeared to be angry all the time and was looking for ways to keep me out of heaven. No matter what my parents said to me, it was never enough, it would never heal my broken spirit from all the manipulation and control and mean things that the oppressed members expressed towards me. I hated that they were so devoted to a man that always seemed angry and mad. There were so many things that I could not understand as a young person that I just couldn’t stomach it. I would lay in bed and dream of the day I was old enough to leave.

I hated feeling scared to go to church that he (the pastor) just may call me out because he could read my mind. I felt like I was always being preached at because I am sure he could tell that I was growing cold more and more. I just didn’t care about the people, I thought they were all foolish and weak. They couldn’t make decisions on their own. It was a little church that never grew. One person came in, two were leaving. Most didn’t stay. Only the weak would stay. Asking if you could go on vacation or take a job that would cause you to leave the church for another one was not acceptable. You were always told that it was out of the will of God. Just who did they think they were to tell you what the will of God was or was not for your life? Was it for the money? If your family left that would leave a big gap in the financial stream.

I got so tired of being told on to the pastor by one woman in particular if my hairdo was not holy enough or I curled my eyelashes or… the list goes on.

I so wanted to have a normal life as a child. I wanted to be involved with the outside world but I was so fearful because everything was wrong. I finally came to the resolve that I was just a bad person and that God couldn’t love me and stayed in constant fear that God would come and I was certainly going to Hell. I loved bling and beauty and I hated that I had to look like everyone else and think like everyone else and act like everyone else. I didn’t want to look frumpy, I wanted to have my own personality.

Why can they now do the very things that were forbidden when I was a kid? I remember watching TV at the neighbors (some after school program). I was sent home, scolded and had to pray in my room for an hour to ask God to forgive me. I was so fearful because I was told I would have to tell the pastor. Now they can watch TV, go to movies, go to concerts etc. All the things I wanted to experience was forbidden. What happened? God changed his mind? Did he say, “Pastors, it’s okay as long as everyone pays their tithes and all the other offerings”? Hmmmm not sure about that……

My step son went to a concert and on the way home was in a terrible car accident and the pastor told him that God did it to him because he was rebellious. Really? That same pastor years later had tragedy strike his family and I had always wondered what happened. What was God punishing him for? Oh it wasn’t punishment. I believe now that it rains on the just and the unjust. I don’t feel any ill feelings towards this man, I just feel bad for him that he actually felt this way. (I’m not sure what he feels now because people on his board at the church go to movies, concerts etc.) By the way, my step son is an atheist now.

I never really dealt with the pain that this church caused me. The only way I knew how to deal with it was by being angry. That seemed to help me. It wasn’t until eight years ago that I was in a business meeting for leaders when I heard a speaker that was a Christian teaching us about leadership. I would usually get up and walk out. This time, I couldn’t, it was like I had weights in my behind. I just sat there listening. I totally got what he was saying and something changed in my heart.

You see, when I was little I tried to be a perfect little girl for Jesus. I loved him, I wrote to him in my diary, I wrote songs to him. Then I realized that he was demanding and wanted to see me go to Hell and that is when everything changed. I knew I could never be good enough, I could never please him. I felt when I was created God must have made a mistake. I just couldn’t be like everyone else. I was told that I was rebellious etc. I was so tired of being told that I was bad, not good enough. I think back, I was a pretty good kid that had a little OCD and just wanted to be perfect and excel in everything.

When I got married to my husband we made a vow that we would never go to church except for funerals and weddings. He, too, was a former UPC survivor. We made that vow and all was going great. Then here we were at a weekend event for leaders and we are now listening to this man speak and our hearts actually opened to receive what he had to say. Long story short, we both wound up receiving Christ into our lives in a new, fresh and beautiful way. It changed us on every level. No, we did not do anything like we were taught in the UPC ways and yet God transformed our hearts.

What I have noticed is that even though life is good, there is still residue from my old life in the UPC. I don’t really care what others say or feel about me, but I did care what God felt towards me. I am sorry to say that I had felt that God hated me because I was different from them. I wanted more, I didn’t want to be judgmental, I didn’t want to be like them in any way. When I am with my family I stick out I am sure, but that’s okay. The hard part is, they try so hard to include me but I feel at times that they don’t know what to think. They see I have a walk with God but it’s not anything like what I was taught. I am sure this is confusing to them and that makes my heart sad at times.

What I have learned is this, what matters is what God thinks of me and He is pretty crazy in love with me. Do I have battle scars? Yes. Am I still recovering from a brainwashed life of manipulation and control by man? YES. Will I ever be free from it? YES, not sure if it will be in this life… but I know one thing, I don’t want to be old and bitter so things better change soon because time keeps ticking by…lol. Seriously, not bitter but still dealing with being wounded. My advice, don’t cram it down and pretend it never happened, deal with it and move on.

That’s all for now. My heart tells me that God has something very special for those that have been thrown out for being a rebel, misfit and uncontrollable by religion. Jesus is the same Jesus that walked the earth and He was quite the rebel in the Pharisee’s eyes. He came to give us Life and give it more abundantly. He didn’t come to judge but to love us. If we can only grasp what that truly looks like.

Thank you for listening/reading….

Be Blessed,

Constance

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There are some in the United Pentecostal Church who erroneously believe that the organization now allows the viewing of Hollywood made movies and television programs. This misunderstanding arose when they removed the ban on ministers owning a television set in 2013 and also dropped two position papers (video restrictions and technology) and added a new one on the use of media. I have heard that some ministers almost immediately went and purchased a television set after this change, though some had already been using it for years.

While some individuals and even licensed ministers have taken these changes to mean that things previously prohibited are now permitted, the UPCI has NOT changed their stand against them. The Articles of Faith still state what they have for years: “We wholeheartedly disapprove of our people indulging in any activities which are not conducive to good Christianity and godly living, such as theaters, dances, mixed bathing or swimming, women cutting their hair, make-up, any apparel that immodestly exposes the body, all worldly sports and amusements, and unwholesome radio programs and music. Furthermore, because of the display of all these evils on television, we disapprove of any of our people having television sets in their homes. We admonish all of our people to refrain from any of these practices in the interest of spiritual progress and the soon coming of the Lord for His church.”

In the UPCI Manual, it is made clear what ministers may and may not view when it comes to the use of media. Article VII, Section 7 and 29 states, “The use of all media technology must strictly be limited to educational, religious, inspirational, and family content that is consistent with wholesome Christian principles. No minister shall use television or other media technology for the purpose of viewing worldly, carnal and unwholesome media; endeavouring to maintain a Godly atmosphere and influence in their lives.”

So while some ministers, churches and church members have let down on these standards, the United Pentecostal Church still states that they are against such things.

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Melanie, A Minister’s Wife, Shares Her United Pentecostal Experience

Below is the experience of Melanie and Mark who were long-term members of the United Pentecostal Church. They pastored a church for years and Mark held several district positions during his time as a UPC minister. What happened to them isn’t just a one-time incident in the organization, as you will see from a second couple who recently shared a small part of their story. I saw Melanie’s story elsewhere and asked permission to share it here so that others would be able to see it and be helped and encouraged. (Some changes have been made.) The organization doesn’t just bite and devour some of its former members who were never licensed or didn’t hold positions, but they have also done so to their licensed ministers, people who have served the UPCI for years, some for decades.

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Mark was born and raised in the United Pentecostal Church. He is now 54. I left Catholicism and came in at 15 (37 years ago). After biting our (ever bleeding) tongues over hearing and seeing more than any one should hear or see as a Christian, much less as a minister in this organization … and further, after raising our children in this, we finally had enough and left about a year and a half ago. The only regret we have is that we didn’t have the courage to do it sooner.

We pastored for over 30 years in various capacities. Mark held many district positions. His most recent pastorate was for 18 years. When I stop here to say that Mark’s identity and livelihood was tied to the UPC, it is an understatement. His family goes back 4 generations. His great grandfather, grandfather, father, brothers, uncles and some cousins are all ministers. His family is well known and respected in the UPC. Most every member of his family, immediate and extended, are “in church”. As far as Mark’s livelihood goes, Mark worked at a building supply store, besides pastoring full time. Two thirds of our income was derived from the church. We depended on the church for our bread and butter. Mark had always felt it was important to earn his own paycheck from outside the church. We both felt it was important to interact with our small town community. However, to survive without the church income was somewhat impossible, or so we thought.

Now, my upbringing, on the other hand, was quite in contrast to Mark’s. My dad owned a bar and therefore, I was raised on the bar stool … the bartender’s daughter. Very well loved by him and quite protected by his bouncers and bartenders. However, I so desperately wanted to know and understand God, that I was willing to do what I needed to do, so as to “prove” it to Him. In reality, it really ended up that I was proving it to those who were telling me what to do. I truly came into this innocently but with a deep desire to learn about and love God. It wasn’t even a year after we were married when I began to see and question things that didn’t add up. But I buried those questions in an effort not to alarm Mark. Not knowing he had the same questions and concerns. During our 33+ years of marriage, we have seen and experienced more junk in the UPC than I care to mention! But as you also know, we were all taught to bury those concerns or questions and to trust in those who have rule over us, to carry on blindly, to focus on “God and His word,” or what they said was God’s word.

We have 3 children, 19, 21 and 29 years of age. We denied our children (and ourselves) so much life and fun in the attempt to do the “right thing”. I am deeply grieved when I think on it. Thankfully, our three children still love and serve God. They are strong in their faith in Him. They also love and are very loyal to family. We were always very open with them, encouraged discussion and also taught them to question and think for themselves. As a result of our deep discussions, our children each formulated their own beliefs and guidelines which, of course (no surprise), were very different than UPC and in some ways different than ours. We are ok with that. We want them to make their own decisions, just as we wanted to make our own. All 3 of our children and son-in-law chose to stay and help our efforts until we left. They all basically said the same thing but at separate times, when they each came to us on their own. They said since we all felt the same concerning the standards, or should I say legalism, they wanted to help us see this thing through and if we couldn’t see it through together, then they wanted us to all leave together rather than fragment off at separate times. We are so thankful for their moral support! Our children have made us feel so honored and loved. They are such blessings to us!!!

Over the years, we had always tried to do our best and comply with the all the rules in an effort to be pleasing to both God and man, with emphasis on “man”. We hoped we could make a difference in helping the 35+ congregation to see another way, to understand what God’s grace was really all about and to allow them to make their own choices without any interference from us. Sometimes we thought we were making progress. How wrong we were, and on so many counts! In spite of constant looks of judgement and gossip, we truly did love them and so continued at our post. It was a heavy load. We were depressed, bound and always stressed. All of us! I won’t go into the fact that our family had to do nearly everything in the church. That’s another long heart wrenching story.

We finally left after our church board was insisting that I quit my new job as an EMT. I had gone back to school, became an EMT and had been working on the ambulance corp for a year and a half before they found out I was wearing a uniform! …. more specifically pants and only while on duty. A double standard, we know. But, we knew that there might be some of the congregation that might accept my wearing them on the job only and then as a result, we might have an open door in the future to discuss the falseness in their long held beliefs. I know it was probably a futile effort, but we loved the people and so much wanted to open their eyes to God’s understanding, grace and freedom.

Let me point out here, that during Mark’s ministry, he never once preached standards. Mainly because he couldn’t bring himself to preach things he questioned. He always allowed people to make their own choices. However, when it was time for us to experience that same liberty, we were denied it … and with extreme anger judgement, I might add! The church turned on us, so ardently, that many fabricated rumors circulating concern our marriage and children! The shunning was so pronounced, it was as though all the good things and sacrifices we made over 18 years as pastor at this church, were negated from this one act! Of course I was to blame for leading my family astray. The woman is always at fault … Of course they say that because they can “see” the “sinfulness”. Mark was reduced to a non-thinking man that could only follow his wife! And our adult children and son-in-law, well it wasn’t their fault, they had no choice but to follow when the mother fails. When in fact, it was all of us choosing to think for ourselves and make our own decisions!

Anyway, there were so many major controlling and insulting issues over the years (too many to count) that should have made us walk away many years ago, but this was the final straw. I was only wanting to help by ministering to the practical needs of my neighbors and surrounding communities. I guess only “sinner” EMT women can minister in this way. None of the church folks would refuse help from a “sinner” EMT woman if she showed up. Anyway, I could rant on and on over the “should haves and could haves” but the simple fact is, we finally did it. We resigned and all left the same night. It was the best decision we ever made. It’s sad to say, but no one from the district has tried to contact us to see how we are. Mark even tried to ask to meet with some of the district board to discuss his concerns and differences before he made the decision to leave…. no bites. It’s painful and hurts deeply to realize their acceptance or approval of us was predicated upon our compliance. In spite of Mark’s good standing throughout all his life in the UPC, no one thought him important enough to check on on him and his family, or even throw him a lifeline. The hateful way we were treated over the couple months before we chose to resign, is more than I can write here. The shunning by the ladies alone was heart wrenching and painful. I became an outcast. No one would speak to me at service, for the most part I was ignored. There is so much more I could add, but I’ll stop now.

I still sometimes have to vent as things surface, but to dwell on them and continue to be angry about them is not something I want to subject myself to. To do so (to me) would make me feel and appear to God as though I am unthankful for His deliverance from this bondage of legalism. Besides, it really only hurts me and not those that have hurt me. The hardships, the lies, the loss of our good UPC standing, the loss of a lifetime network of friends and family, the pain of rejection, the public shaming that I have experienced (verbally in very public places) and the shunning cannot be compared to the the grace, the freedom, the happiness and the joy we now experience in God! Our good financial name has not suffered in the least. God provided ways for us to earn a living that we had not foreseen and would not have foreseen, had we not taken that leap of faith. My income as an EMT doubled since last year and Mark received an increase as well as the opportunity to work overtime every week. We don’t have much but we have enough to pay the bills and we are much happier and at peace. God has provided what we needed. We will never again allow ourselves to be dependent on any church for any amount of income. We are much happier not feeling obliged to the church in any way and earning our own way.

Our family is so much closer and so much happier than we have ever been. No more tension and scrutiny in our home. No more attempting to make sure we are complying to what others think. No more dread of and/or arguing on Sunday mornings and evenings. We look forward to Sunday mornings and going to a free thinking church. We all made our own decisions as to where we wanted to attend after taking a break. And to our surprise, we all ended up at the same church (a community minded Church of God, that does not subscribe to organized religion) and we still gather for Sunday dinner at our house every week. And no evening service! We have time for rest and family. Imagine that! Wow, what freedom! … What peace! What joy! It brings Mark and I so much joy to watch our children and their families live life freely. We have acquired a daughter-in-law and a grandson since we left. What a comfort to know our grandchildren will not be tainted by the UPC’s destructiveness and control.

We are free to love God and love our neighbors as we read it and see it in His word. We no longer serve other men’s convictions. We are free to apply the Scriptures to our lives and work out our own salvation as His word states we are to do. We are FREE at last! Best decision EVER! We are so happy, I smile and have tears of joy when thinking about it …. which is often, indeed. We are truly happy at last. BEST decision EVER!

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Note from Lois: Some may be interested in also watching two videos with Esther and Brian Henry, former United Pentecostal Church missionaries to Papua New Guinea. They were also pastors at a UPCI church in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin District of the UPCI and the District Superintendent at that time treated them very poorly. We also have a five part series about people where various people share about being harmed in the United Pentecostal Church.

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