Category: Independent Fundamental Baptist

Curling up under the dense burgundy comforter, black embroidery swirls nauseatingly across the threads in intricate array, adorning the California-king sized bed in romantic wonder. The once mouth-watering aroma of garlic-butter strip steak and smooth, oven-baked mashed potatoes infiltrates the bedroom, seeping repulsively through the tiny crack peering from underneath the slender door. Oh, no. Not again. She bolts off toward the bathroom, wrapping her arms around the large porcelain bowl, her pregnant body revolting against the sandwich she managed to choke down at lunch.

Exhausted after nearly two months of forceful vomiting and fainting spells, hospitalizations and intravenous fluids, Erin longs for the promise of second trimester bliss without the debilitating round ligament pain shooting through her waist and thighs. As she stumbles back to bed, her hair falling disheveled across the tiny pillows, misshapen from excessive use the last few months, a delicate card on the night-stand catches her eye. Two days ago, after work, her husband, Rick, slipped into the room while Erin rested, gingerly laying a letter next to her dimly-lit lamp, “I’m looking forward to having some fun with you tonight!”  Please, Lord, not again tonight. I love him dearly, but I barely have the strength to shower in the morning, much less be romantic. I know I committed to being available whenever he needs me, but the other night was horrific. I simply want to sleep.  

Despite the enhancement in her marriage and the closeness she felt the first month, intercourse has been excruciatingly painful since the beginning of pregnancy. She forces herself to push down the tears, but the last few times, she could not hold them back any longer. Tears stream down her face until her husband is satisfied. I gave him permission. I made the commitment. It is for our marriage. Lord, forgive me for being rebellious and wanting to have control over my own body.

Erin lays back down and allows her eyelids to close, hoping for only a few minutes of slumber to calm her queasy stomach. Suddenly, a familiar hand caresses her thigh as moist lips press tenderly against the side of her neck, carefully traveling up toward her ear. Lord, please give me the strength to please my husband.

God created sexual intimacy to be a beautiful expression of love between a husband and wife, but when man corrupts a time of greatest vulnerability in marriage, the possible damaging impacts are infinite.  Tragically, certain Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches apply the teaching of a woman’s submission to the marriage bed, an idea coined “sexual obedience.” While I have never been personally subjected to this heinous practice, my husband and I have visited IFB churches greatly injured by its adherence.

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (KJV 1 Corinthians 7:4-5).

According to Biblical Gender Roles, an anonymous, Protestant harbor of extreme marital standards, the Bible commands a mindset starkly contrasted to common Christian practices today, one where the wife subjects herself to being physically available whenever the husband has sexual needs or desires. When addressing Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood, the author states,

“A wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body… a wife can humbly ask for a ‘delay,’ or ‘raincheck,’ but only for legitimate physical or psychological reasons and the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband.”

Wynter’s Story

I rarely deny my husband sex of some kind. (I say no sometimes: I’m not perfect) …

I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband and would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business and he is now taking the steps to do it…it’s like a totally different man.

I will say though that this has not been without sacrifice on my part. I used to work nights, but I changed my schedule to be available to him in the evenings, so I make less money than I used to. I also gave up some activities so I can rest more. A big part of my problem before I started this was I was tired all the time and was too exhausted for sex.

But, also, and you’re probably not going to like this: it’s been difficult emotionally because I don’t like giving up control. Honestly, I’ve had to fight my own rebelliousness. Sometimes when he approaches me, I’m tired and lazy and just want him to leave me alone. Sometimes, I’m distracted and don’t want to drop what I’m doing. I don’t know how to put it, but it has been difficult to not have my way on this. That’s been the hardest part. I like being 100% in control of my body and now I have to make sacrifices, so, yes, it’s been difficult. Sexual obedience is a way of life. It requires a whole different mindset. My husband’s needs and fulfillment take up a lot more real estate in my brain now than they used to…”

In The Benefits of Being a Sexual Obedient Wife, Wynter is encouraged after making herself available to daily sexual intercourse,

“I think it is great that you recognize your own rebelliousness and your desire to control your time and your body. At the same time though- don’t beat yourself up. Recognize your sinful inclinations and then give those things to God…”

The author continues to admonish her to maintain being sexually obedient to her husband and to “realize that your sexual obedience is not just to your husband- but truly it is an act of worship to God himself for all he has done for you.” Sounds very similar to the teachings of Jack Schaap, the disgraced IFB pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, currently serving a twelve-year sentence for molesting a sixteen-year-old girl in his congregation!

The anonymous author reassures Wynter that her convictions are a testimony for other women, and that “keeping your husband well-fed sexually will not only benefit him in his endeavors outside the home, but it will benefit your marriage and your family by giving him the increased energy he needs to take-on life’s daily tasks.” Under the implication of supporting their husbands, women are expected to save energy often expended in secular occupation for their sex lives, teaching “Underneath Every Great Man is a Great Woman.” What better way to manipulate a woman into never denying intercourse with her husband than to teach that always affirming his needs will aide him in being a more confident and effective, provider and father! Alas, this anonymous author reminds his reader of the childhood song, “Obedience is the very best way to show you that you believe,” additionally applying it to situations of abuse.

One reader responded to his article, “Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood,” by explaining how her husband of nine years continues to have intercourse with her during pregnancy even though it is painful, assuring her, “It will only take a few minutes, and I’ll be quick.” As the wife states, “it never stopped.” The husband continues sexual intercourse with her while she is reading a book or even when she is crying, leaving the wife to “feel like his whore, or his piece of trash.” The remainder of her cry for help involving drinking to endure through sex and even into the boughs of depression can be found in the article, “Is My Husband Raping Me?”, a question to which the author responds, “It is IMPOSSIBLE Biblically speaking for a man to rape his wife. Abuse? Yes. Rape? No.” He then shifts the blame onto the wife:

“If he convinces her to yield her body to him, then no sin has been committed on his part. But it is very possible that even if she yields to him- there is still sin on her part. If she acts disgusted by him and acts like he has no right to have sex with her- then the sin lies squarely in her court.”

The icing on the cake is when he answers if the husband should go to counseling with his wife, the man responds, “Yes, I believe he should, but they should see a Christian marriage counselor that will exhort her to do what she should as a Christian wife and perhaps then can lead her husband to Christ in the process.”

Yet another corrupt facet of the various IFB views of leadership and submission, sexual obedience demands an off-setting of the balance God created in the marriage bed, the most sacred aspect of marriage. Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians emphasizes the wife’s body belonging to the husband AND the husband’s body belonging to the wife, a decree demanding mutual respect and mutual submission, not a supposedly Biblical-basis for male dominance in all aspects of sexual intimacy. God never requires His bride to follow Him, but rather waits patiently knowing man is but dust. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it, not to demand her obedience to fulfill his every desire.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

“The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” (Titus 2:3-5 KJV)

Is it not a wonderful picture that pastors paint? This beautiful, modest young woman with children running around her immaculately decorated house while she dusts, joyfully singing hymns as her feet glide gingerly down the hall? One of my favorite scenarios is from a lecture where a woman had deep frown lines on her face from the stresses of working a secular occupation, but when she obeyed God’s principles, becoming a stay-at-home mother, the lines suddenly disappeared within a few months, revealing a cheerful smile and glow!  If only it were that simple.

According to IFB churches, being a “keeper at home” typically requires living off the husband’s income as the mother homeschools the children, instilling a specifically Biblical foundation, all while managing home-cooked, nutritious meals, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, scrubbing, dusting, diapers, potty training, bodily fluids, and still sacrificing to stay home with puking children so her husband can receive the Word of God. These women fulfill their “God-called duty” by isolating solely to church and home, taking themselves out of the workforce for a minimum of eighteen years and accruing the emotional burden of being solely responsible for their children’s development and education, keeping their homes pristine for visitors at any time of day, preparing multiple meals, and being presentable to their husbands, makeup and all, by the time he arrives home with dinner on the table.  Their children must walk as ducks-in-a-row outside of the home, and all the wives’ duties completed with a joyful, grateful heart, lest a rebellious spirit finds a stronghold, destroying their marriage and their husbands’ ministries. How preposterous of IFB churches to base entire lifestyles and doctrine on three words in a verse, claiming to “rightly [divide] the word of truth”! Titus 2:5 exhorts the aged women to teach the younger to be “keepers at home,” but not before God rebukes a man for not keeping at home.

“Yea also, because he transgresseth by wine, he is a proud man, neither keepeth at home, who enlargeth his desire as hell, and is as death, and cannot be satisfied, but gathereth unto him all nations, and heapeth unto him all people” (Habakkuk 2:5).

How peculiar that without this verse, a “keeper at home” is a home-maker or at stay-at-home mother, but immediately after men are introduced into the picture, the description quickly becomes “one who spends time with his or her spouse” and is not a busybody. Suddenly a “keeper at home” is equivalent to 1 Thessalonians 4:11, “And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business,” not to be idle, busybodies, and tattlers (1 Tim 5:13)!  IFB churches take a warped view of the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman, “God’s bare-minimum standard for godly ladies and wives,”  to establish women as house-wives, sewing late hours into the night, toiling in the kitchen all day, and being a testimony to their husbands in public. What they neglect to emphasize are the maidens she employs (Prov 31:15) and how she considers a field and buys it herself (vs. 16) with the product of her own labor (vs. 13). How strange it would be in IFB churches to recognize that the woman considers the field herself, and buys it with her own money, rather than asking her husband’s permission to use his income.

While greatly under-emphasized, God gives women the ability to use discernment not just within the family, but in the outside world, even in secular occupations, to provide for the well-being of their families. If women were truly less than men, God would never have referred to “wisdom” as female. In Proverbs, Solomon says “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding. Exalt her, and she shall promote thee: she shall bring thee to honour, when thou dost embrace her” (Prov. 4:6-7). If women are truly the weaker vessel intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, why does God use a woman, specifically a mother, to teach King Lemuel how to identify a virtuous woman to marry? Nowhere in the Bible does God command women to work solely from home, but He does desire for husbands AND wives to keep at home.  Both men and women can be drawn away excessively through friends, hobbies, work and activities, leading to neglect of the children and home, and leaving the other spouse longing for love and affection in other places. Despite God’s rebuke in Habakkuk, however, allowing women out of the home is often met with frustration and disdain because it does not fit perfectly in the IFB mold of a woman’s place under the man. Just yesterday, we heard yet another pastor say, “The Bible is clear: a woman’s place is in the kitchen.” These ideals, though seemingly honorable and acclaimed to place women on a pedestal, create the perfect storm of long-term, hidden abuse.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Down from the house lies the vast open plains, tall grass decorated by dandelions and wild flowers, shadowed only slightly by the soft, fluffy clouds passing overhead. Just off to the side, the ground opens into row upon row of luscious grapes, delicately planted and cared for, stakes gently guiding the vines upwards to be kissed by the morning sun. The harvest will be plenteous this year. But what about the vineyard on the right? The enormous fence is broken down and giant weeds overtake the vines, suffocating them without water or adequate rays of light. Stones scatter themselves amongst the grapes, preventing seeds from crawling up through the dirt and bearing fruit. Where is the husbandman who should be caring for this vineyard? Does he not realize that a vineyard requires daily care, protecting it from thieves who desire to break through and steal? Does he not realize the stones need to be removed and the vines pruned often for the grapes to flourish, a crop to be proud of and to honor the Lord?“They made me the keeper of the vineyards; but my own vineyard have I not kept” (KJV Song of Sol. 1:6). 

What better way to appeal to a husband’s pride than to announce him the keeper, protector, and nourisher of the vineyard? What better way to convince a woman to allow her husband to rule in every facet than to compare her to a luscious vine that needs the encouragement, protection, and pruning of the husbandman? Leave it to Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches to change an analogy meant to represent God and the children of Israel to characterize God’s calling on the home, thus ruling and dictating every component of the woman’s life.

Responsibilities of the Husbandman

“Now will I sing to my well-beloved a song of my beloved touching his vineyard. My well-beloved hath a vineyard in a very fruitful hill:
And he fenced it, and gathered out the stones thereof, and planted it with the choicest vine, and built a tower in the midst of it, and also made a winepress therein: and he looked that it should bring forth grapes, and it brought forth wild grapes.
And now, O inhabitants of Jerusalem, and men of Judah, judge, I pray, betwixt me and my vineyard.
What could have been done more to my vineyard, that I have not done in it? Wherefore, when I looked that it should bring forth grapes, brought it forth wild grapes?
And now go to; I will tell you what I will do to my vineyard: I will take away the hedge thereof, and it shall be eaten up; and break down the wall thereof, and it shall be trodden down:
And I will lay it waste: it shall not be pruned, nor digged; but there shall come up briers and thorns: I will also command the clouds that they rain no rain upon it.
For the vineyard of the LORD of hosts is the house of Israel, and the men of Judah his pleasant plant: and he looked for judgment, but behold oppression; for the righteousness, but behold a cry” (Isaiah 5:1-7).

While acknowledging the husbandman’s vineyard is an allegory to the house of Israel and the Lord of hosts, our most recent church believes there are several principles that a married couple can apply based on how the Lord cared for His own vineyard because Psalm 128:3 says, “Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.” To protect the vineyard from without, the Lord fences His vineyard. In verse five, when the hedge is taken away, the Lord says, “it shall be eaten up…and it shall be trodden down.” From what dangers does a husband need to protect his vineyard? The wife needs to be protected from other men, teaching of false doctrine, and philosophies that can infiltrate the house through the television and social media because “the outside world will consume her and then destroy her”.

The Lord further goes through and removes the hindrances from within, stones that can prevent the roots from taking hold in the soil. What are a few of the potential troubles that may prevent a wife from growing to her fullest potential? Media, entertainment, worries, and bitterness. However, I have yet to find anything remotely similar in the Word of God to the husband removing perceived obstacles within the wife’s life. During one of our last meetings, our pastor cautioned us that while a woman is at home, the devil covertly impresses upon the mind of the wife through the unanticipated influences of the television, and “leads away captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts” (1 Tim 3:6). These maneuvers are then used to sway the husband, because obviously, the woman does not have the ability to discern right from wrong as she is the “weaker vessel”! In order to ensure the wife has the smallest amount of influences to stunt her growth, the husband must “communicate, pray, and uproot daily,” the perfect way to show love to a wife.

As the Lord labors in His vineyard, the man is obligated to plant the choicest seeds lest the vineyard produce minimal fruit because of poor plants. In terms of a husband’s responsibilities, he is to choose the best things to put into his wife, his greatest project in life. Additionally, the Lord builds an enormous tower in the midst in the grounds, likely to have the best viewpoint to guard from danger. How should a man always keep a watchful eye on his wife? Through communication, observation, prayer, and watching for changes of any sort. In the same process, the husbandman builds a wine press, confidently expecting fruit and success from his wife because of the effort he has exerted for her improvement. By erroneously applying the analogy of the vineyard to the husband-wife relationship, the husband takes the place of sovereign, all-knowing leader, examining and scrutinizing adjustments necessary in his spouse, while the is wife compelled to silence and unnatural exposure to her husband’s analysis of fallacies, distorting the balance of companionship within the marriage.

Authority of the Husbandman

“Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” (Gen 3:16)

Centuries before Paul penned, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands” (Col 3:18), God established order in the home, instructing Eve, “thy desire shall be  to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (Gen 3:16). In most circumstances, the conversation continues into God’s judgment on Adam and Eve, and sin being passed to all men. An IFB pastor, however, recently informed us that Satan chose to tempt Eve, rather than Adam, because she was the “weaker vessel” (1 Pet 3:7). In the same regard, God chose men to lead the home because men are less emotional, usually seeing a distinct line between right and wrong. When complications arise, men develop a tunnel vision towards the straight and narrow, while women hesitate and waver, considering various facets of the situation. Who knew it was wrong to analyze the complex ripple effect on other people and circumstances when making decisions? If this were truly God’s mindset, why would He include Abigail in the Bible, who went against her husband to do what was right with David and his men? Why would he include the midwives in Egypt who risked their own lives protecting the newborn baby boys whom Pharaoh instructed for them to heinously murder (Exo 1:15-22)? God uses women of great faith throughout the Bible, never once expecting women to continually falter because there were created unequal to men.

Unfortunately, one of the greatest fallacies in teaching submission is the overemphasis of men’s superiority, leaving women subservient to men’s desire, whether righteous or wicked, because they are supposedly created inferior to men. In terms of decision-making, wives are expected to go through their husbands except in the areas the men deem their wives capable of making godly decisions without their heads present. Even in churches, pastors establish an environment unreceptive to women speaking directly with male leaders about questions or concerns, forcing them to go through their husbands, including for the sake of volunteering in various ministerial capacities. Although husbands and wives should work in agreement through communication, the Bible never establishes a pattern of the husband micro-managing and “pruning” the wife. The establishment of the wife as “Keeper at Home” allows for a central location of influence and control of the husband over his wife and children.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine and standards. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.