Category: Independent Fundamental Baptist | Page 16

Blindsided: The First Warning Signs

According to Psych Central, “abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are ‘walking on eggshells’ all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. [We are] talking about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.”

Spiritual abuse, commonly played-out through any combination of physical, psychological and sexual abuse, is no different, other than that is usually hidden further under the guises of blindly following, never questioning, and certainly never criticizing the man of God. In our case, it took our family-life being turned upside down to finally realize that our church had changed into a toxic, spiritually abusive environment.

The Mass Exodus

Around the time of the church meeting about the pastor and his family, a mass exodus of approximately forty people began. Imagine a family that loved the Lord so much that they completely uprooted their family and moved six-hundred miles south for a Bible Institute. Not only did the Crawfords [name changed for privacy] become heavily involved in multiple ministries, but they were instrumental in organizing and beginning the greeter’s ministry, only to suddenly disappear. But people leave churches for different reasons, though, right? Surely, the head of security can become disgruntled too and decide his family needs to move on. Besides, his family only came from several states away, by faith, without any assurance of a steady income or place to live. It was only a few other families, including one who was close-knit with the pastor’s family, particularly the pastor’s wife. The number of people leaving around the same time was bewildering, but it really hit home when one of the youth leaders and his family said that that Sunday was their last service at Antioch Baptist Church. Every family that left was a pillar in our church, not only in ministerial involvement, but as people that truly loved the Lord, loved His people, and simply desired to please the Lord above all else. They were walking examples of compassion and of what God can do with lives that are sold out to Him.

But after losing about a third of our members within a few months’ time, our church was hurting. One could sense the pain, feeling the wounds and the bruises as if they were physically affixed to the auditorium walls. Still yet, we banded together and pressed forward. I tried to encourage the pastor and pastor’s wife, despite having a newborn to care for, but it seemed like they needed space more than anything. My family was struggling as well, just in a different way. It seemed that every time we got close to a family and started to develop a friendship, they left for one reason or another, but, thankfully, we managed to keep in contact with a few of them after they left.

Growing Tension

Following a visit with one family, whom, for their privacy, we will call the Martins, and after posting pictures of our children together online as well as with their new pet snake, the narcissistic man under the pastor, Douglas Stauffer, commented several times in passing that he noticed I spent time with a “snake.” Back when we first inquired of Pastor Andrew Ray if the Martins were all right and if they were still here, he confirmed they were no longer members, but also stated clearly that they did nothing worthy of having their membership removed. Despite this, when people found out we were still fellowshipping with them and any other families that left, it created a tension that could be cut with a knife. Nevertheless, we continued to move forward because people leave churches frequently for various reasons, and hurt feelings are a common part of the process. Over the next several months, still clueless of the situations that occurred, we attended regularly, served where we could with a newborn in tow, and tried to deepen friendships while hopefully developing other ones. Who were we to judge on either side?

Still, however, when the last two large families left, I had a sinking feeling that something could be terribly wrong. I pushed it out of the way for the time being because arguments happen between families, but I had previously witnessed the pastor’s family treating one of the William’s daughters [name changed for privacy] like last-year’s trash even though she absolutely adored them. Maybe her parents finally had enough and needed a new start. We did not know any details, but it still did not keep us out of the drama within the gossip-ridden inner circle.

Christmas Gift for the Pastor’s Family

Shortly before Christmas time, a dilemma came up in conversation within the walls of the nursery: no one was taking care of organizing the annual monetary Christmas gift to the pastor’s family and the pastor’s wife was distraught. The families who usually made sure everything went smoothly had either left, were overloaded at the church in order to compensate for the workers we had lost, or they had recently welcomed new children into their families. Now, on top of trying to throw together the last-minute details of a party/fellowship because of a lack of response to the emails, no one took charge of collecting the money for the pastor’s family! According to the pastor’s wife, Mrs. Ray, her family counted on this gift every year to buy Christmas gifts for their children, and there were people that would be extremely disgruntled that they did not know how to give. My husband enthusiastically and willingly stepped up to the plate, offering to organize the annual giving in the years to come. I have yet to fully understand why this still bothers me so much, but it was another red flag that priorities and focus may have been misplaced.

The Pastor’s Paranoia of Criticism

Around the time of Pastor Andrew Ray’s fortieth birthday, the church planned a celebration with caution tape, caution hats, and decorations supporting the warning of our pastor becoming an old man. Everyone was taking pictures, but there was rumor that none of the pictures of pastor were to be posted online, despite numerous pictures being permitted in the past. I approached Pastor Ray to ask him directly, to make sure that it would not be problem, and his response was that they have a lot of critics right now who will find fault in anything. They did not want to give them any ammunition.

Around the same time, he began to post strong statements and opinions on his Facebook for all to see, but as soon as there was any question or objection, he seemed to take them as personal attacks. A disagreement about if children should be encouraged to go to college resulted in several husbands (mine included) being tagged in the post and quickly ended. Previously, he always encouraged discussion and differences of opinion, but now, any variance appeared to be taken personally.

Just one example of such public statements online is about criticism: “Criticizing one who is responsible to God for a decision is easy when you are not the one responsible to God for the decision.” While accurate, it conveys the idea that one should never question the pastor or disagree with his actions because he supposedly has this high calling of God. We are all individually accountable to God for our actions, and how we respond to others and the Holy Spirit.

A Single Statement

Near the beginning of the following year, when meeting with the pastor about something completely unrelated to the mass exodus, Pastor Ray made a comment that sent off instant red flags in my mind. He talked about men who came to Antioch Baptist Church, sold-out to God and were sure that this is where God wanted them and their family. Upon bringing their families, however, their wives have issues with the Biblical teachings of submission, and they would pull their husbands away from where God was leading them. I could not shake the idea that he was likely referring to the precious family from the north, the Crawfords [name changed for privacy], who had come down here for the Bible Institute. Mrs. Crawford, a sweet, gentle Christian mother, was an extrovert and an independent woman, traits frowned upon in a church that feels threatened by women. This is the point where I finally started to have doubts about the health of the church my family had called home for four years, because a woman is more than a mindless doormat that is only capable of manipulating and leading her husband astray from God. I later found out, however, that people were already questioning our loyalty because of continuing to fellowship with the families that left.

“Howard Hendricks says there are two kinds of people in the church: the pillars and the caterpillars. The pillars uphold the church with their prayers, their work, and their donations. They build the kingdom of God by the sweat of their brows. The caterpillars crawl in on Sunday morning, sing a few songs, listen to a sermon, and crawl out again, not to be seen for a week.’ From Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow, page 18.”- Posted on Andrew Ray’s Facebook wall in April of 2018

Feuerman, Marni. “21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship.” World of Psychology, 8 July 2018, https://web.archive.org/web/20180202070321/https://psychcentral.com/blog/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Circumcising the Critics- Sermon #1” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: Hindsight is 20/20

When joining a church, people desire to become part of a safety network of people of like-faith. They develop close-knit relationships, friendships, and know the ends and outs of fellow members’ everyday struggles. They know who to go to for counsel and where to go to have a good time. They study the Bible together and celebrate new life, even after loved ones have come and gone. Sadly, this desire for a place to belong can be blinding, limiting one’s view to rose-colored glasses, explaining away any possibility of grave deception and wrong-doing that does not fit into the mold they have created in their minds. Christians can become so enamored with the idea of serving Christ and following Him wherever He leads, that they fail to stop and analyze the necessity of potentially leaving a spiritually dangerous situation.

Blissfully Unaware

In September of 2017, we would soon have three children, aged three and under, in our home. I was struggling with perinatal depression and anxiety while preparing for a third round of postpartum mood disorders. Not only was I miserable in the southeastern summer heat at what felt like forty-years pregnant, but I was dreading another year of being socially outcast at church for breastfeeding in the services. I reclused into the safety of my immediate family, not only as we approached birthing day, but in the weeks to follow as I held, comforted, and connected with our newborn baby. I was blissfully clueless about the raging currents underneath of what appeared to be a calm and serene church environment, until about midway through the month of October.

An Unusual Church Service

On the last day of a month-long agreement (with my husband) to attempt using the mother’s room for a month, my youngest was miserable with an ear infection, nursed continuously after short naps in my arms, and of course, the service was not playing on the screen downstairs where the internet was entirely unreliable. After about forty-five minutes of continuous cry-nurse-nap-repeat, I finally stepped out of the prison door to discover that no one was in the nursery. I found out later through my husband that the pastor used the entire church service because supposedly people were talking poorly of the pastor’s family and several members of his family no longer wanted to even go to the church services. The pastor had often considered sending his teenage son to a different church for awhile because our church “[did not] appreciate what we had in [the pastor’s son].” The pastor’s son had always been respectful and kindhearted, but what bothered me the most was hearing that someone had the nerve to call the pastor’s oldest daughter ungodly, an idea almost unfathomable considering her consistently sweet and tender manner. In the end, however, what felt ‘off’ was that a church service was used as a time to bring the pastor’s family before the church. We were brought into a situation that should have been resolved privately, or with both sides laid out for analysis, rather than throwing out general accusations and attempting to rally everyone in emotional support of the pastor and his family. In the end, I decided that this was only a one-time occurrence, and none of my business, but if it continued to happen, it would be a different story.

The Rear-view Mirror

Looking back, I wonder why I did not listen to the red flags firing off in my head after this church service. Why did I not see the ‘us-versus-them‘ mentality? Another service like this never came, but I had forgotten about the one a year or two before when a woman was supposedly messaging the pastor anonymously, tearing him and his family to shreds, and the pastor had everyone vote on if we wanted to keep him as the pastor or not. Why did I not connect the dots? I wonder why we did not leave a year and half before when I was told that I was exposing myself to the men of the church by breastfeeding covered in the service. Why did we not leave when the pastor got up and preached a message on modesty shortly thereafter and talked about being “covered”? Why did we not leave when an arrogant, narcissistic man under the pastor falsely accused us of not doing our “homework” for an international mission’s trip that quickly turned dangerous within a month or two of pending departure?

Why? We wanted to see the best in people and our children had a home there. We had a few friends, though most of the close ones had already moved away. We were involved in ministry, and my husband was longing to grow in ministerial experience and Bible knowledge in preparation for becoming a missionary, his calling and dream for two decades already. The Lord had led us there away from an abusive church, knowing my husband would likely never graduate because of the decision to change membership, and who were we to leave because of problems that came up? The Bible calls us to work through problems, not run away from them, right? Because of our hopes, we were blind as our once-healthier church changed drastically over the course of a few years. Our eyes did not even begin to open until after we saw the true heart of the leadership following a mass exodus of godly people in the fall of 2017.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: The First Warning Signs” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: Series Introduction

Walking into the doors of a new church for the first time, the adrenaline of nervous hopefulness rushes throughout the couple’s bodies. The newly married couple is playing hooky on their church’s “Do That Again Sunday,” an annual celebration of their pastor’s two favorite sermons. Unfortunately, this year is the pastor’s twenty-fifth anniversary at the mega church and the entire day is a memorial in his honor. Thus, today, tired of the legalism and focus on grandiosity over souls, the couple steps out, unsure of how to speak and act in a new location with starkly different social norms. Taking seats in the back pew, countless people come up to make their acquaintance, making them feel slightly more comfortable and welcome.

As the congregation erupts in song, it feels like heaven on earth as their loud harmonious voices dance across the auditorium. Following several vibrant hymns, a simple preacher steps forward on the stage. His neatly trimmed, short, black hair continues down through the beard on his face, a shock of freedom after coming from an Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church that never allows men on staff to grow their facial hair. As he opens his Bible and begins to speak, his warm voice is filled with love and compassion, yet balanced with truth and Scripture. When was the last time they heard a message with this much Bible that was not used merely as a springboard for the pastor’s ideas? He is preaching on sin, a subject most welcome after years of hearing their preacher’s weekly soapbox: truth, friendship, and world evangelism. The preacher continues to inquire gently, yet fervently, about Bible reading and daily time in prayer, the actual nuts and bolts of the Christian life. They leave that day spiritually fed, left in awe of the freedom to serve Christ in whatever capacity He has for them.

The couple continues to visit as often as they can get away and quickly develops friendships with the church members who appear to be real and down-to-earth. Most of the men wear suits, but it is not frowned upon to leave one’s tie at home. The women appear simple and realistic, not expected to be fully adorned in layers of caked-on makeup, coordinating jewelry, blazers, pantyhose and high heels at every service. The congregants also appear to have a mind of their own and may express differing opinions. Even the pastor and the choir director differ significantly on music and dress standards but serve alongside each other in ministry and friendship. Even though the new couple struggles to leave behind the ministries they have served in and loved for years, they know they need a place where they can be fed spiritually, and a place for them to feel at home. Five months after their first visit, the couple joins the new church, knowing full-well that leaving their old church will likely prevent the husband from graduating with a Bible college degree. But they are now at a place that their little family can grow, or so they think.

Fast-forward five years and three children later: loyalty in service, ministry, street preaching, orchestra, choir, nursery, baby showers, Bible conferences, an international mission trip and attending a missionary training camp. Add in Bible Institute classes and countless hours of seeking counsel because of brokenness over past spiritual abuse. But the couple is now sitting in a meeting with a narcissistic man who has found his way under the pastor, claiming he can do whatever he wants. Following that meeting, the pastor meets with the husband and tells him that he and his wife are removed from all ministries (except nursery turns out), and the husband needs to start with apologizing to one man in the church, then should inquire of the same man whom he should apologize to next, and continue the process until he has apologized to every man affected by his wife’s actions.

A few months later, the same narcissistic man attempts to intimidate them with an ultimatum pending on if the wife’s accusations of harassment are swept under the rug or not, while the pastor threatens to call a men’s meeting because the husband is demanding that the pastor be present for the meeting to come. All of this takes place because the wife publicly stood-up for previous church members that the narcissistic man ripped apart from the pulpit on multiple occasions, and without remorse. Looking back, maybe they should have seen it coming. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? The red flags were everywhere, but they seemed to creep in unawares as the atmosphere changed over time. All we desired was a safe place spiritually to raise our newly growing family. This is our story of the spiritual abuse that still greatly affects my family to this day.

Should we keep this to ourselves because we are not to touch God’s anointed? Will it harm the cause of Christ, or will it open the eyes of the innocent to hopefully establish boundaries to protect themselves from the dangers within their own church families? Why remain silent for a year and half, but suddenly speak publicly on the occurrences?

I actually spoke out on multiple occasions through Facebook posts, Facebook messages, long discussions, and multiple meetings with our pastor and the man under him. Everything was met with resistance, manipulation, and deceitfulness, resulting in greater strains on my family. Now, the man under the pastor, Douglas Stauffer, has found a position of power elsewhere, as pastor of Faith Independent Baptist Church in Niceville, Florida. I could not stay silent then, and I can no longer stay silent now.

Blindsided will take you on a journey of the harassment, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse that took place at Antioch Baptist Church in 2018 at the hands of Pastor Andrew Ray, and a man named Douglas Stauffer. In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these two ministers and the events which led to my departure.

Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Hindsight is 20/20” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part 1)

Disappearing down the quiet trail, the morning breeze still saturated with the early dew, bright fluorescent lights shatter the darkness, illuminating the university track and field course, a mere hour before dawn. Jared’s strict regimen of daily work-outs and meticulous counting of proteins, calories and carbohydrates begins his marathon sprint to losing one hundred pounds by next school year. Because exercise and nutrition are vital to physical and mental health and stamina, a balanced strategy and program is imperative to ensuring the weight-watcher continues to maintain adequate sustenance without overexertion in order to develop a healthier lifestyle. This includes a baseline intake of calories, proteins, complex carbohydrates, potassium, electrolytes, vitamins, and the right form of cholesterol, all while burning adequate amounts of fat without consequentially destroying muscle and bone density. Without this guideline, the dieter creates a phenomena where the outside appears substantially healthier, but the inside is weaker and damaged from the extreme conditions imposed on the body. In like manner, the rigid music and dress standards of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches, imposed by pastors and by the congregants themselves for the sake of a healthier, well-nourished spiritual-life, are just like a bad diet plan.

While the outside seems to adjust by leaps and bounds, intricately constructed within the framework and silver-lining of legalism, the inside lacks true nurture and development, focusing rather on a performance-based relationship with Christ and ministry. Strict musical standards formulated around trepidation of crossing into a mystical “beat of the world” quickly creates repetitive and dry worship services, leaving church leaders and congregations horrified of potentially allowing the flesh to even minimally react in accordance with the moving of the Holy Spirit. For fear of causing a man to stumble in his walk with the Lord, women are shamed into over-covering their God’s given bodies, placing the burden of responsibility solely on the woman and other women around her to do anything necessary to prevent alluring the eye of a man in any manner. This in turn results in outdated, frumpy clothing, and limited jewelry or make-up coined as Biblical modesty. While this develops a culture of pride in fulfilling one’s duty towards modesty, a stark contrast that focuses on business attire promotes the facade of a mature spiritual walk in a vast quantity of churches, passing judgement on a man not wearing a suit and tie, or on a woman for not having her hair, make-up and jewelry fashioned in a way that is considered “presentable before the Lord.” Outfits and appearances, as well as songs and performance styles, are scrutinized to the fullest extent of Pharisaical law, creating a false sense of spirituality that not only justifies and covers sin, but neglects the true mental and emotional needs of the congregants and visitors to come.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

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IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)

Waiting anxiously to speak with her pastor’s wife, Debbie paces back as forth, heart pounding, and thoughts racing through the altercation with her husband the night before.

Surely, Jennifer will be annoyed by me bothering her again. He gets so angry though. I do not know what to do. But what if Mark finds out I am talking to someone about what happened?

Her pastor’s wife, Jennifer, laughs contagiously, chatting about the joys of shopping with little children in the cart, reaching for various products on the shelves until they tumble down into piles on the floor.

I make sure to do the grocery shopping on my own when Mark is at work, hoping it will take some of the load off his plate. Maybe I need to make more of his favorite meals. I do my best to make sure dinner is prepared when he arrives, but it has been difficult to keep the house tidy with four little children, ages four and under. Last night was one of those nights. Maybe if I wake up at four instead of five, I will have more time and energy to clean the way he prefers.

Debbie sighs. A young teenage girl catches Jennifer’s eye, excitedly asking questions about modesty standards and where to find dresses that are modern but do not draw a man’s eyes.

I have already tried learning better techniques for eye shadow and applying lipstick and I even went out and bought the more expensive brands, which only made Mark angrier. I fix up my hair in curls and apply the make-up every day like Jennifer suggested, putting on my best dresses for him with heels. But it just isn’t enough. Maybe he prefers a different style?

Jennifer finishes conversing with the young lady and invites Debbie to join her in the pew, realizing that she has been waiting for an extended period. Holding back the tears, Debbie confides to Jennifer about Mark’s explosive temper last night over the food not being completely set on the table and the sink not being empty of dishes from the day. Debbie knows her husband works long hours at a stressful job site to provide for the family, but even the little things seem to set him off. She shows Jennifer the fresh bruises on her arms. Concerned, Jennifer puts her arms around Debbie, knowing first-hand the pain she endures day-to-day.

“I’m so glad you came to me,” replied Jennifer. “Your hair and make-up look wonderful, and your dresses are modest but beautiful. Have you tried making yourself more available to him in the bedroom? He needs to know that you are willing to be an attentive, submissive wife, and being physically accessible to him at any time would help relieve some of his stress after long days away from the family. A godly wife needs to build her husband’s confidence, but you cannot do that if there is even a trace of bitterness in your heart. If there is, you need to make that right with Mark before asking God’s forgiveness and then ask for His help to be a better help-meet to your husband.”

Tragically, calling the authorities over domestic abuse is one of the last resorts, if not significantly discouraged, in mainstream Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. The most common form of counseling is directing the wife on how to be a more attractive, subservient, and fulfilling help-meet, and only minimally instructing the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. The end-goal is sending the woman back under the submission of her husband as quickly as possible. Though appalling, the patriarchal system that extends from IFB churches to the homes of their congregants creates the perfect set-up for hidden, long-term abuse through intense isolation, extreme spiritual expectations, financial dependence, silenced cries for help, and the heinously corrupt system of handling trauma and abuse.

Intense Isolation

As “Keepers at Home,” women are expected to balance caring for multiple children and home, while their husbands provide for the financial needs and required manual labor. Pastors intensify these expectations by preaching God’s command to Noah to “Go forth and multiply.” While not associated with the Quiverfull Movement, this idea is quickly permeating into IFB churches around the country as a growing number of pastors advocate against the use of birth control or preventative methods, harrowing “I realized I did not love children as God loves children” and “I want to have all the children God has for me!” Large, growing families, living solely off one income, are forced to be without their husbands and fathers for days or weeks at a time while they work eighty to ninety hours a week, sometimes even out of state, leaving mothers practically alone to raise countless little ones from newborn stages to adulthood.

Because of this, the majority of the mothers’ friends, if not all of them, come from church services and fellowships. They are further isolated solely to their homes and church families because of messages against the dangerous influences of family, friends, television, and social media on their husbands’ vineyards, preventing nearly all outside thought or persuasion. A timid and likely uneducated, married woman with the strain of multiple children is of little threat when dependent upon the husband’s income, filled only with countless hours of studying Christian homeschool materials and Sunday school lessons.

Extreme Spiritual Expectations

A former missionary wife, now pastor’s wife, recently taught a group of missionary-wives that the virtuosity of the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman is not limited to religious circles but is exemplified in women in certain third-world countries. Because of this, she concludes that even the lost can be virtuous, and thus, the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman, also known as the Virtuous Woman, is the bare-minimum standard in God’s eyes. Because of twisted views of this passage, wives and mothers are expected to learn the intricate, time-consuming practices of sewing, crocheting, knitting, craft-making, and decorating on top of their usual household chores and daily homeschool program. Where better to put those skills to use than to make specialized, modest clothing!

In terms of appearance, wives must balance between keeping their husband’s attraction while being held responsible for, or while assuming responsibility for, not drawing another man’s attention to any aspect of their bodies, whether through dress, make-up, or jewelry. Following late nights of sewing, crafting and cleaning, women are still expected to rise early for Bible reading, study and prayer, in order to joyfully instill Biblical precepts into their children throughout the day, without complaint, “Just like the Virtuous Woman.” Sadly, any regular sharing of the responsibilities of child-rearing and house-work between the husband and wife marks a wife non submissive and and the husband less-than a man, leaving the burden entirely on the woman.

Financial Dependence

Pastors encourage husbands to take a man’s “rightful place” over the finances, not considering individual weaknesses and strengths, often leaving women completely helpless after the men pass away, ignorant of their financial standings. Take a mother of six children, educated through Bible college, now clueless about the amount their family spends each month on the phone bill, even indifferent to the fact that she does not even know her family’s mobile carrier. Imagine a woman whose husband cannot hold a job, but even with a steady occupation for a few months, he writes the tithe check with varying amounts every week. She does not understand why it fluctuates with two fixed incomes but encourages herself to trust the man God has placed over her without question. Lamentably, these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. Women are taught it is acceptable and godly to be ignorant of the finances, trusting in and submitting all of it to the leading of their husbands as heads of their households.

Silenced Cries for Help

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph 5:33).

“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land” (Prov 31:23).

The wide-spread view of authority in the husband-wife relationship in IFB churches involves a scenario where the man lords over his vineyard, the woman in complete subjection to the husband without argument or complaint unless his commands go directly against the Word of God. Women may express their opinions by making “godly appeals,” but are to otherwise remain silent after a man decides, cleaning up the aftermath in the lives of those affected, still honoring and uplifting the husband’s actions. A woman’s speech pertaining to her husband is only permitted to be respectful and reverential, severely limiting disagreement or varying opinion, except in extreme cases of abuse and wrong-doing. Even in these situations, speaking-up is frequently viewed with disdain and regularly discounted based on the man’s public testimony.

In the secular world, degrading one’s spouse privately or publicly is considered detrimental to a marriage and though the same is equally true in Christianity, IFB churches place the greater burden of silence on the women. Remember the pastor’s wife who says that a wife should never say anything negative about her husband to God? If a woman cannot even go to God, how much more does this fallacy apply to speaking to other men and women? The same pastor’s wife believes an abused wife should be sent back under the subjection of her husband. Pastors encourage women who are verbally abused to pray for their husbands and ask God to aide them in being a better help-meet, while those who are physically abused are admonished to never involve the authorities, despite the immediate danger to their families. Above all, a wife must be careful not to speak ill of her husband to anyone lest her speech impact her husband’s reputation in the ministry or hinder someone from accepting Christ. She is to go home, be a living-testimony to her husband as a godly, submissive wife, and pray not only for God to change his heart, but to help her love and forgive, that bitterness not take root in her heart. This silencing, under the preface of humility and honor, fashions the final piece of the overriding theme of male dominance and control, allowing domestic abuse free-reign in the home.

The Perfect Storm

Stepping outside onto the wooden porch, the warm summer air is dense and suffocating, blustering upwards from the south, blanketing the heavens with a familiar yet disconcerting green hue. Soaring eagles feel the chilly shift and instability up above, frigid air billowing in from the west. But in between lies a third layer of dry, burning heat, allowing the warm air below to rise in temperature, establishing conditions for the perfect storm: an F5 tornado with the ability to span up to two and half miles wide, indifferent to the unlimited destruction in its path. Through the innocent desires of Christians to please the Lord in their marriages, canopied by man’s need for dominance and control, men blindly lead their willingly-submissive wives into abuse’s strongholds of vulnerability and entrapment.

What is a woman like Debbie supposed to do with an abusive husband like Mark? Anyone outside the church walls recognizes the need to get the authorities involved, keeping detailed records and escaping to a safe-house or woman’s shelter, but hindering a husband’s reputation or arrogantly stepping out from under his God-given authority is considered disgraceful and scorned. Those necessary lines of protection are blurred within the IFB movement, encouraging biblical counsel through the limited psychological study of a pastor, rather than through a trained, experienced professional. Debbie is isolated to her home with friendships limited to her like-minded church family, she has no college education, and has been out of the workforce for fifteen years. Not only is she undesirable to employers, she is clueless about her financial standings and what money might be available to her for sustainability as she considers her and her children’s escape from her husband’s destructive temper.

If she confides in a pastor, few may advise reporting the abuse, but others may bring the husband into the room for questioning and counseling, creating a greater tension and danger when the family arrives back at home. Alternately, some are encouraged to ask God to search-out their own heart for what may be hindering their marriages and fueling their husband’s anger, taking a “wait-and-see” approach. Sadly, those are just the ones that dare to speak the truth against the status-quo of solely uplifting their husbands, whether they be right or wrong. Others continue silently in the abuse, justifying the verbal and physical beatings day by day, striving to be a godly submissive wife, while some never fully awaken to the cruelty they endure. The standard Independent Fundamental Baptist arrangement for leadership and submission in church polity, as well as the home, though usually starting from the pure desire to do right, creates the perfect storm for long-term, hidden abuse in families throughout their churches..

“About Tornadoes.” Weather Underground, www.wunderground.com/resources/education/tornadoFAQ.asp.

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