Author: ThereIsLife | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Judicial Meetings – Public Humiliation & Shaming

I was shamed in public, in front of the entire congregation – multiple times – but wasn’t allowed to utter a word to defend myself because of my sex. What level of emotional abuse is that? Extreme.

The meetings were special judicial meetings. At each meeting I dissociated and felt like I was floating above my body. The entire meeting was an out of body experience because I was so traumatized that my body detached from my physical and emotional experience to cope. The man (my father-in-law at the time) who stood up to shame me about something very intimate, came up to me after the service and I shook hands with him because conflict, “rudeness,” and assertiveness is ungodly behavior for a woman.

I was the victim of years and years of relentless domestic abuse. And now I was being blamed in public. They victimized the victim. They attacked my character. What he said about me was a huge lie but I was never allowed to say my side of the story, or to put it right. Because women are not allowed to speak during the meetings or services.

I didn’t even defend myself in private because I felt I had no personal power because I had been spiritually, emotionally, verbally, and financially abused for so long. I felt powerless, hopeless, helpless, broken, silenced. I’m sure, based on my character, that most people in the congregation knew that what was said was lies, but he was not told to make it right, or to take back what he said.

Life went on. Some believed him. They ignored me. And gossiped. False accusations. A private investigator hired to watch me. He was promoted to more elevated duties. No apology. I was left horrified and traumatized (what he said was of a very personal and intimate nature). I had been humiliated in front of my entire social circle (we were not allowed to socialize with anyone outside of the congregation). Every time I went to a service (6 times per week) I felt like I was sitting on top of my car as I drove home – that’s how dissociated I was.

The one positive result from this experience is that I woke up to the fact that I was in a controlling and abusive church. If it wasn’t for this extremely painful experience I might never have woken up. I might never have realized that God was absent from their services. I still struggle with PTSD from this experience (6 years later) and don’t have a Christian community due to deep trust issues.

How can a group of so-called Christians be so ignorant that they don’t realize what public humiliation – with no ability to defend yourself or speak – does to a person psychologically? Even Wikipedia knows! 🙂 This is the sickness of a perverted and callous “Christianity” that follows rules and that is very far from the heart the God.

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Gossip – a rampant ‘sport’

Gossip and slander was rampant in the sect. It kept things interesting. Sadly, especially amongst the women. If they can tear another down to build themselves up, then why not? Nobody appeared to question the amount of toxic gossip. I’m a very sensitive person so my spirit has always cringed when gossip starts up. I remember driving home from services as a child and my parents gossiping in the front of the car about “did you see what she was wearing?”, “oh, she doesn’t have much of a brain does she?”, etc. On and on. Rarely building anyone up. Tearing down was the norm.

The intermarriages in the sect made things worse. Everybody knew everybody’s business because most were interrelated. My first cousin was married to my brother-in-law, for example. My sister’s brother-in-law is also her first cousin. This is very common as there is not enough people to marry. It is not unusual for an uncle and a nephew to be bother-in-laws. Therefore the gossip chain is even more rampant in this type of community.

I think another root cause of the toxic gossip is how empty their lives are. Void of real meaning and purpose – functioning out of must-dos and what-will-they-thinks. They don’t have many, if any, hobbies or interests and they usually have low self esteem and are emotionally unavailable. So gossiping is almost a sport – an activity to distract them from the drudgery of mundane sect activities, and to add some spice to the day.

The Holy Spirit doesn’t seem to be free enough in that community for them to be convicted that their gossip is toxic and not of God. It is not love. It is tearing down. And it causes trust issues. You cannot trust anyone or confide in anyone – because there is an instant gossip chain that takes off – phone calls are made, hush hush voices of condemnation and judgement – this was in the days before texts and social media – I’m sure it is even worse now with instant communication.

Most of the time the gossip wasn’t even true. Embellishment and exaggeration were the name of the game. They didn’t seem to think about how damaging it was to the individual. It’s as if their God-given conscience was numb because they’d been exposed to this life-sucking activity since they were infants (99% of members are born into the sect).

When I married into my ex-husband’s family the scene was the same as when I was a child. The same nonsense gossip going on in the front of the car when we carpooled to and from the services. The spirit of Jesus is not in this behavior. It’s sad that their most favourite ‘sport’ was at the expense of others. It was a lonely and isolating community because you never knew what was being said about you behind your back. Shame was deep and all-consuming.

It’s such a relief now, post-cult, to never have to be around people who gossip or like to talk negative about others. I have zero tolerance now because I had to put up with this for so long. And I was at the receiving end of the gossip so many times that I know JUST how toxic and damaging this pastime can be.

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When you’re an “Apostate” in their eyes

When you’re an “apostate” they don’t know how to handle you because they may get infected with your “evil.” I am the only person in my extended family to leave the sect I grew up in. Every cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, parent, nephew, niece, and grandparent is still in the sect.

When I left I was shunned by all of my friends and the entire congregation. I was suicidal because I thought my family was also going to shun me and break off contact with me. But, by the grace of God, they showed mercy. There is contact (via text mostly because I live far away from them, in a different country), but it is quite strained because of all the lies they are told to believe about me – and other ‘apostates’ and ‘worldlies.’ I have chosen the way of Satan. I have chosen the easy life. I am lazy and don’t want to serve the Lord. Of course, none of these three statements are true, but it is what they believe whole-heartedly.

The bizarre thing is that they know I am still a Christian and I love God with all my heart, and my whole reason for being is to show love to others and live a life that is honoring to Him. But they still couldn’t attend my recent wedding because they might have been infected by my evil. They must have cognitive dissonance, surely, when they read the scriptures about all believers being one body, Christ’s body. How can the arm say to the leg “I can’t be near you?” It’s just ridiculous. Oh, and they claim to be the one group of Christians with the truth, and the light, and the presence of God. But not attending your daughter’s wedding isn’t love, is it? Where love is absent, God is also absent.

My Dad even went as far as to tell me that God would not be present at my wedding. And I married a Godly man who shines with the love of God. Strange how my Dad thinks he can state where the Creator of the universe is and isn’t. Like he has a monopoly on the Creator. What a deep level of lies and deception!

I am so very grateful that my family doesn’t shun me, like the families of many ex-cultists do. But there is still a grieving. Grief at the loss of proper relationship. Because to them I am tarnished. I can’t be myself around them. They don’t respect my way of life. They don’t ask me much about my job, my hobbies, my volunteering, my husband, as all of these topics are somewhat taboo. Conversations are shallow and mostly about the weather or the grandchildren. It gets tiring, trying to think of safe topics. Sometimes I don’t control or filter what I say and I just speak freely. But it often isn’t worth it because it causes further alienation.

I guess I live in an alien world. Which is the real world. They live in an insular, unreal, world. Inside the sect they refer to “the world” as everyone outside their insular group of chosen ones. My Mom actually told me that I am the most selfish person that she has ever met because I didn’t obey my parents and I left the fold. She told me that she cannot celebrate me because I have caused her so much pain. I asked her what was more important to her – that I continue to go along with a system that I know is a lie and be totally depressed and fake, or for me to be free to pursue a relationship with God in whatever way He leads and be happy and alive and genuine. She couldn’t answer. This system of religion has her tied in knots.

May God set them free from the grips of the spirit of religion – which is a dark, controlling, insidious, damaging and fake Holy Spirit that tries to block relationship and intimacy with our Creator.

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Reading the Bible after it was used to control and abuse you

I’ve been out of the Bible-based high-control group for 5 years, but still can’t read the Bible. Other than random verses I see online daily. I talk (mutter) to God daily, and think about Him a lot throughout each day, and desire intimacy with Him, and worship Him daily, and want nothing more than to experience more of His love and presence. But I am paralyzed when it comes to His Word.

To a Christian who hasn’t been severely spiritually abused this might sound crazy and garner the “well, you can’t be a real Christian then” response. But to someone who has been through something similar to what I have, they will probably understand that the Bible can trigger our PTSD. The Bible was misinterpreted, and used as a weapon. Used to make us miserable. Used to create deep fear, shame, guilt. Scriptures forced down our throat daily. Not to mention that the only translation we were allowed to read was the version translated by the sect founder! (Alarm bells ringing.)

The Bible was used to create such deep pain that I was depressed from age 7. Scriptures were taken out of context constantly. We couldn’t socialize with anyone “outside” the sect because of some obscure passage in Timothy. We couldn’t wear pants because of some Old Testament scripture where the verse next to it talks about not wearing clothing of mixed fibers. (I remember telling my Dad, post-sect, that I would remove my jeans – and change into a skirt – before leaving the house if he would remove his sweater of mixed fibers!)

I know that the Bible is a love letter from God to His earthly creation (I have done a lot of research on its legitimacy). But my body and mind still react in fear when I see all-too-familiar verses. After I had been “out” for about 3 years I was determined to read the Bible like a good little girl and so I printed the Bible out on A4 pages so that I would not be triggered as much because it wouldn’t look like a bound book. I still went into cognitive-mode (as opposed to heart-mode) and numbness. And I read it like a text book, with no feeling. I was still in have-to mode.

Very recently I decided to listen to the audio Bible so that I wouldn’t be triggered by reading. This was my second attempt at overcoming my fears, indifference, and disinterest. It was better than the first attempt. I felt like my heart was engaged and I was actually interested in the scriptures for the first time. However, I listened to the audio Bible once, then not again for the last 4 weeks. So, there is still a blockage.

I have asked God to remove the blockage. That the scriptures will be brand new to me, as if I have never seen them before. I am actually jealous of atheists, Muslims, etc who convert to Christianity and read the Bible for the first time. I’d love for the Bible to have no trauma associated with it. No baggage. No fear. The audio Bble I listened to was The Message translation. I chose that translation because I wanted the scriptures to sound very different from what I was used to so that they wouldn’t trigger PTSD. It helped a lot. Most of the verses sounded very different from the translation I was raised with (which was similar to KJV).

It’s still a journey to disconnect from the past. Our body and mind remembers. I have a measure of peace that God understands (although I do have the odd day where I think I’m not saved because I have indifference towards the Bible. My scrupulosity kicks in.) I crave connection with Him. And I am angry that the Bible has been damaged for me. It will pass as more healing comes. God works healing miracles every day.

I tend to stay away from Christian circles because I feel guilty – the vast majority of Christians don’t understand my predicament and look in horror if I mention that I don’t want to read the Bible. It’s too difficult to explain. I rest in the fact that true love comes from overflow, not obligation. The Father wants children, not slaves.

(This was difficult to write, and to post, because I am ashamed and feel that I will be judged. Especially as most ex-cultists seem to have no problem reading the Bible. But hopefully this helps someone know that they are not alone.)

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Clones. Robot-like. Cult-oids. Sameness does not equal holiness.

Clones. Robot-like. Cult-oids. These words all conger up images of people living on autopilot and acting in ways that are very similar to each other. That’s what sect life was like. Very little individuality. In fact, most attempts at individuality were considered willful and selfish. Virtually the same clothes. Same hairstyles. Same language. Same way of thinking. Same routines. Same rituals. Same social circle.

I wasn’t asked what made me happy – what hobbies I would would like to pursue – it was more important to be sitting in their services multiple days per week. Pursuing individual hobbies was an act of rebellion. It wasn’t serving the Lord. Sports were frowned upon. Any extra-curricular activities. Anything that took you away from the Bible, the services, and pondering the Lord’s swift return. Even pets were discouraged.

What they don’t realize is that this sets kids up for depression. Kids are supposed be running around, not sitting still and silent. They are supposed to explore the world, and different options and opportunities. No birthday parties were allowed. No Christmas trees or decorations. No TV. No entertainment. No movies. No radio. And they kept telling me that they didn’t have rules, that these restrictions were all for my benefit! Yeah, right.

I’m not sure why they appear to think that sameness amounts to holiness. If God had wanted a relationship with “robots” then He would have created us all identical, with the same looks, the same personality, the same gifts, the same character and temperament. But He delights in our freedom (He gave us free will after all) and delights in our uniqueness. He is the Artist. We are the canvases upon which he creates many masterpieces – no one the same as the other. All original. All a unique expression of who He is. All created in His image and likeness. God is joyous, creative, vibrant, happy – so why can’t we also be these things this side of heaven? We are supposed to be. That’s why Jesus came.

The sect members in general have a dead look in their eyes. Its like hope left the building years ago. What hope do you have when most of life’s pleasures, experiences, and opportunities for relationship (including one with your Creator) are curtailed and out-of-bounds? I felt hopeless and helpless at the young age of 7. I already knew I couldn’t have the hobbies I wanted, or an education beyond high school, or real friends, or travel to exotic destinations (you cannot travel anywhere where there is not a congregation, and there are very few congregations). I knew at the age of 7 that I would never see the pyramids, or Rome, or any of the other wonders of the world.

God created this world beautiful and lush for his tenants to enjoy. But toxic religion tries to limit us. It tries to take away the free will that was granted to us by our Father. I’d love to know what Jesus says to them when they pass on to heaven – maybe “my child, you didn’t need to be a slave, or to live like a pauper, or to control everything in my name…all I wanted was your HEART”.

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