Author: Mary | Page 18 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

“We don’t want problems” – Mary’s royal gripe session

My name was probably removed from the roll this weekend. I’m really sad. I don’t know what I expected, but this wasn’t it. The pastor has never tried to contact me. Only four people have called. Some of my best friends never even called. We’re supposed to go to service four times a week. I haven’t been for three weeks and no one ever called?!

They think that church attendance is necessary for salvation, but no one is concerned enough for my soul- not my friends, and not the pastor- to call and see what’s happened, or to try to work things out? What happened to the Biblical methods of restoring such an one in the spirit of meekness? Of searching for the lost coin or the lost sheep? Jesus came to seek and save… why would the church sit on its hands and says “good riddance?” I’ve seen this before from inside, heard the stories of how wrong those who leave are. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.

Adding to that is the knowledge that many other Oneness Pentecostal churches will not accept me. It’s wrong to have to call a church and ask permission to attend because I went to the same denomination before, to be required to explain- very carefully so as not to incriminate the pastor- why I might have ‘problems.’ So I won’t. Even pastors who tell me to get back in church don’t want me at theirs! I am not sure what they expect me to do, because the situation at my former church is untenable, but I can’t tell anyone else what is happening; I can’t prove much and most of what I can prove is considered acceptable or within the bounds of ‘ministry.’ I DO NOT believe that being called a heifer or other derogatory terms is considered ministry.

If a pastor tells you he could care less if you attend or not or if other churches will not allow you to attend because “they don’t want problems,” yet all believe that if you don’t go to church you are in disobedience to the Bible, and that you can go to hell for that, then they are effectively saying “Go to Hell.” What kind of Christian attitude is that? What kind of Christian attitude does the person have who says they are a leader and therefore cannot be questioned, or who says that a person is in rebellion for questioning certain words or actions? What happened to love, mercy and grace?

Video

I prayed through in a church where TV “in the home” was preached against. However, the pastor admitted to having gone to friends’ homes to watch TV as a kid. He also allowed the saints to have a VCR and monitor. He even eventually got one. I watched more PG movies in the six months after I got in church than I had in the world. Many of us would also go to places like Walmart and watch movies there.

Later, another pastor ended up teaching against TV, video, moving pictures, monitors- I wasn’t even sure it was acceptable to go to a play. So here is what’s funny to me: There could be no VCRs, movies, or TV. Sometimes YouTube was also preached against. But at least some would watch video clips online at work regularly. Several emailed me video clips, too. And video games that look exactly like cartoons were never taught against at all.

I’m a very visual person. To me, video is an art form, if done tastefully. But I didn’t watch a movie or TV for years because it was ‘wrong.’ Not biblically wrong, pastorally wrong.

I don’t have a pastor now. Yesterday I checked out three videos from the library. Last night was the first time in my life I’d ever watched a video in my own home. And I cried. I don’t even know why. It wasn’t that I felt guilty. Maybe I was so relieved to be able to chose to do something just for the enjoyment of it. It was a beautiful movie. And it felt so nice to be able to just do something for the fun of it!

I’ve heard video preached against because we remember so much of what we see. However, we must remember that not everything we see is bad.

Do we truly remember more of a video than we do of real life? It may seem that way at first, but in reality, we haven’t- it’s just that in real life we remember snapshots of scenes. The best movies are simply limited to a well-directed series of these types of snapshots. This creates an illusion of remembering more from the movie than real life, when in fact we are still just remembering snapshots of the best pieces of life.

I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me. (Ps 101:3) Obviously no verse in the Bible speaks specifically against television or movies. However, this verse has been used in many circles to show people they should not watch movies or TV. We should, indeed, be careful not to engross ourselves in anything that is wicked- book, TV, movie, everyday life… but if we used this verse to say that TV or movies on the whole were wrong, then we would need to go through life with our eyes closed. Those who walk with their eyes closed are most likely to fall.

Stay in the boat?

Stay in the boat. Stay in the ark. Only those on the ark were saved, after all. I heard this preached for years as a way to tell people to stay in the church. For almost as many years I have had one question come to mind… didn’t Noah get off the ark at some point?

Of course Noah got off the ark. The ark was a place of safety and deliverance for a time. But when dry ground reappeared after the flood, I’m fairly certain that there had never been people more grateful to leave a ship than Noah and his family were. So why are so many people taught today to never leave the boat?

Another man left a boat one day- in a storm and still on the water. Peter often proved that he didn’t tend to think ahead, maybe especially where Jesus was concerned. So, sailing on a dark night, in the midst of a stormy sea, Peter saw Jesus walking on the water and said, “Lord if it’s you, bid me come.”

Ridiculous! Peter had fished that sea all his life. He knew the water. And he knew that getting out of a boat in the middle of the sea, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a storm was, well… less than intelligent. But Jesus said come, and he went. Right over the side of the boat. And he walked. Sure, he saw the wind and waves and sunk. But Jesus was there. He took Peter by the hand and got him back in the boat. How did he get there? He most probably walked.

The thing is, Peter left the boat at Jesus’ bidding. And in the middle of the night, in the middle of a storm, in the middle of the sea, Peter didn’t drown, and he didn’t lose Jesus. And the story was written down, and has been preached on a lot. But to walk out to Jesus, Peter left the boat!

There are times in some of our lives when its good to leave the boat. Noah and his family, with all those animals, would have been in a very unhealthy situation had they refused to leave their boat. After God had delivered them by the ark, they could have refused to leave, and their deliverance would have become their prison, and eventually their tomb. All because they were afraid to leave the boat.

Peter would have been saner had he stayed on the boat. But Peter stepped out by faith, and he walked with Jesus on the water. Not for long, but Jesus bid him come, he went, and he walked. I’ve always felt that Jesus loved that impetuousness in Peter. Peter was rough, he didn’t often plan ahead, but he trusted Jesus. He had a fascinating amount of raw faith that later made him a great witness and leader in the church. Peter didn’t have to leave the boat, but he stepped out by faith, and he didn’t suffer for leaving it that night.

Some people love the water. They spend their lives by the water, earn their living in the water… others get seasick. A ship is not a safe haven for everyone. Is church? What if it’s unhealthy to stay on the ship? What if Jesus bids you step out of the boat?

So why do we hear that we have to stay in the “boat,” the church, all our lives? Name one person in history that spent their entire life on a boat! It’s a good thought, and I know that the message involves faithfulness and dedication. But dedication and faithfulness to God, or the church? Can we be faithful to God without being dedicated to church? I think the answer is yes. Christians have done that through centuries of persecution. The Jews didn’t often go to Tabernacle in many times in history, due to distances, financial constraints… and even due to corrupt priests (Eli’s sons, for instance).

The first time my faith was severely shaken, I was permanently expelled from a church (by phone) because someone believed a lie. Someone who, it appeared, was possibly at fault themselves. I didn’t even know someone could be expelled from a church, and never dreamed that I would be. The following months were some of the lowest of my life, and sometime early into that time, as I prayed, I told God: God, I’m at the end of my rope. And I’m tying a knot in the end and hanging on with both hands, my feet, and my teeth. If I fall, catch me… and please stick my teeth back in my mouth, because they’ll still be stuck in that rope!

I’ve fallen off that rope several times through the years. God has always caught me, and I still have all my teeth! I’m not sure why I even insist on having a rope to be at the end of, or an ark for safety. God is my strength and my refuge. He’s an ever present help in times of trouble. Will I stay in the boat, or step out of the boat?

It’s time to step out.

Anger

I am struggling with anger, and with guilt for the anger that I feel. Oh, the anger is well founded. I don’t think my anger is off base, unchristian, or unfounded. I have been lied to, lied on, falsely accused, and misrepresented. I’ve been discredited, shamed and humiliated, falsely accused by saints and then the pastor, and informed that I cannot even speak in my own defense because doing so questions his authority. I have seen backbiting, bitterness, variance, envying, strife, contention, gossip, and lying promoted in the name of religion. And I have seen true religion negated due to these promotions. Pure religion and undefiled is this… to visit the fatherless and widows… and to keep himself unspotted from the world…

My anger is as justified as Jesus’ when he drove out the money changers in the temple. No, I’m not being haughty or proud. I am not justifying bitterness, nor am I thinking more highly of myself than I ought. I am simply stating the facts. Jesus got angry, he even made a whip and drove out the money changers, yet He was without sin. To lay sin at my feet for saying the attitudes directly spoken against in the Bible should not be ignored in the church is neither reasonable nor biblical.

I have been told multiple times that I should forgive and forget things that should not be forgotten and which the offender never repented of. According to the unspoken rules of the church, if I tell the pastor he has offended me, I will be “reproved and rebuked” and told that I have a bitter, unforgiving spirit. Further, if I call and ask to go back to church, I will be dealt with harshly for leaving. I will be expected to attend four services a week and will have little or no privacy. I will not be able to use the internet for anything but work purposes. And I will only be sitting on a pew waiting to be called out for some new false report or supposed infraction anyway.

So I’m angry. Not sinfully angry, but angry in a way that has prompted change and research on my part. Anger that has made me re-look and rethink several teachings of the conservative Oneness movement. Anger that has made me realize that I’d prefer to go to a church where the women wear pants and they sing the doxology than to sit in a church where brothers and sisters distrust each other, where people are judged more than they are loved and accepted, and where there are some big names and also many no names.

I’m angry. I have a right and a need to be angry. When my anger shows through in my writing, it is not because I’m a horrible backslid reprobate. It is because there are terrible wrongs taking place under God’s name, and good people are being hurt as a result. There is no greater hypocrisy, no worse way to take God’s name in vain than to do these things “in His name” and then attempt to silence those who have been so misused.

Placing Blame

When you go through a trial, if you don’t pass, you’re bound to repeat it til you get it right.

What is the indication that someone has “passed” a trial? Does a righteous God make people repeatedly go through something, and without indicating what they have done wrong, force them to repeat the trial because they somehow unwittingly failed? What is a mark of failure or success, from a Pentecostal perspective? Is it staying in church? Keeping a right attitude? Keeping a smile on your face in public even when you are dying inside? Forgiving and loving the people who hurt you?

When I was in school, we were given quizzes through a week or month. The quizzes and later our tests were scored, corrected, and returned to us. If we students reviewed our corrected quizzes, we saw the errors we had made and would learn from them. Many times, when I saw the correct answer to a question I had missed, that fact or answer would be etched in my memory. I would never make the same mistake again.

If the tests had not been scored, reviewed, or corrected, but only returned with “Pass” or “Fail” written at the top, we would not have known what we did wrong. We would not have been able to improve. We would have become frustrated by this method of grading. Any teacher who had graded this way would have been considered a very poor teacher and would probably been released from their position.

How then, in a walk with God, can people be repeatedly told they must have “failed” some test without being told what they did wrong or how to improve? What kind of teacher is God if he simply says, “You failed. Try again,” without showing us how to do better when we ask? That doesn’t make sense.

Someone might say, “All the answers are right there in the Bible- you’re just missing it.” Am I? God hasn’t opened his word and my understanding after years of the same problem?

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him? (Luke 11:10-13)

God isn’t playing games with us. He doesn’t leave us to fail repeatedly without giving us the answers as to how to succeed with Him when we ask.

As a child, when I would bring some supposed wrong to my mom, I’d often hear: “There are always two sides to a story,” “it takes two to tango,” or “and what did you do to her?” Mom loved me, but she raised me to understand that most things were not totally one person’s fault or another’s. If I was bullied at school, for example, she comforted me, but she also questioned where I was and why and offered solutions to avoid similar situations in the future. If I ignored her advice and walked back into the same situation again, I was at fault- not because the bully was right, but because I had not taken steps to prevent their wrong behavior toward me.

I have put that training to use in this situation. I am not totally at fault, as some in church would like to think. Nor am I not responsible at all for what happened, because I walked into the same problem more than once. That was not an issue of passing or failing a trial, that was an issue of trying too hard to make something work that just, well… didn’t. It is not my fault that I was falsely accused. It is not that God is putting me through some horrible trial repeatedly. But I allowed a wrong situation and wrong behaviors to continue, trying to be more forgiving, trying to forget their wrongful accusations and cutting words, attempting to be more submissive and obedient, trying to show that I don’t have a chip on my shoulder or that I’m not intrinsically a more wicked person than anyone else or that there isn’t anything “wrong” with me.

When the pastor would tell me that my situation was abnormal, that there was something wrong with me, that I was unforgiving or bitter or unsubmissive, I would go out of my way to attempt to be more normal, right, forgiving, or submissive, thinking he would eventually see that I wasn’t the terrible person that he apparently thought I was. He would shun me, and I would press for attention, craving the love I saw him show to others. He would be angry at me, and I would think it was my fault. I had failed again. He told me I was depressed and negative and so he didn’t want to spend time with me or have others around me. So I would try to act happy and positive, and he would tell me that I didn’t take his rebuke seriously! I finally realized there was nothing I could do to change what he thought of me. There was no way that I could ‘succeed’ in that man’s church, not because I was not a successful person, but because I was expected to fail. It took a very long time for me to understand what had happened, and really I’m still sifting through it all.

I am not to blame. It is not my fault, and I will not continue to go through the same trial repeatedly because I somehow unwittingly fail every time. How did I come to this? Because now, people say that I failed because I quit church. Yet I never quit before. So if quitting church is the mark of failure, I have passed with flying colors many times, yet was still repeating the same ‘trial!’ I won’t fail this test again. This time I will succeed. I will walk away from the bully and will not put myself within the bully’s reach again. And in doing that, I will succeed.