Author: Mary | Page 14 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The fragility of truth

Someone told me today that he had come to the conclusion that “Orthodoxy is a fragile thing, which can be good. If it’s false, it can be easily dropped, and broken. But if it’s true, it must be constantly maintained.” I wonder if I misheard him. Because if what we believe is false, it can be easily dropped and broken, yes. But that is when it must be constantly maintained. Only the false is fragile. The truth, like fire, should not be so easily snuffed out.

It was an interesting comment and an interesting line of thought. Should the truth need to be constantly maintained? I don’t believe so. Truth will flourish on it’s own. The false, the insufficient will be easily broken or snuffed out, yes. Something closely related to that has been bothering me lately. After nineteen years of believing a certain way and giving my life to it, I find myself wondering what I believe.

I’m not sorry for the positive things that came of my life in Pentecost, but I don’t believe what I did just two months ago. I told someone not long ago that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, I’ve just grown beyond it. That is very true. It was good in it’s place and time, but there are deeper, richer places in God, and I’m ready to explore those.

So was what I believed false, that it could be easily broken? I can’t answer that yet. Is my faith broken or bigger now? I’d have to say bigger. Maybe in answering the second question, I’ve answered the first. So again I come to the thought that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, but I have grown beyond it.

Only what is false must be constantly maintained, in my opinion. Truth will stand on it’s own, and falsehoods won’t tarnish or change it. Truth is strong, but falsehood is weak and easily broken. Systems that encourage people not to look beyond their group’s way of thinking are maintaining something. But truth promotes growth, not maintenance.

The difference between falsehood and truth, to me, are like the difference between a spark and a bonfire. One can be easily snuffed; the other can burn for days without any human effort. So when I’m told if I miss a service that I’m “leaving truth,” when I realize that after 19 years that two months has totally changed my opinion on certain passages in the Bible… I have to wonder what I was maintaining all these years.

God made the mountains. He put the stars into space. He is truth. Truth doesn’t need to be maintained by humanity. Truth extends way beyond humanity. Who ever heard of maintaining a mountain? Or maintaining a star? So why, then, do we think truth must be fought over and maintained through such careful monitoring of every bit of information that passes our eyes? Truth will stand on it’s own. It isn’t fragile, and there is no need to maintain it.

There is no reason to fear that truth will break so easily. It should be treated respectfully, but even when left alone it will persevere. If a person is afraid that “truth” can be easily broken or lost, that is a very good sign that they are only maintaining an ideology, a mindset, or a thought pattern, rather than real truth and faith.

For the joy

Sometimes I feel like dancing…

I don’t know what to write. There is so much going through my mind, and sometimes there aren’t words for what we experience. That’s where I am right now. Sometime, probably soon, several pages will all appear at once on my blog, but for now, I’m just happy and enjoying that happiness.

Several months before I left church, the pastor preached and said that people appear happier for awhile after they leave church, because they have made a decision one way or the other after riding the fence for so long. After being out awhile, I have to say that is probably wrong, at least in some cases. I’m not happy to have left- I still believe much the same things and dress much the same way, and I miss my friends. I haven’t figured out yet how to make connections outside of church, and so I’m lonely sometimes too.

But I’m also just… joyful. I am finally getting the rest that I need, when I need it. Enjoying the peacefulness and quiet of my home. Cleaning house, since that was always the first thing to fall by the wayside when I was overwhelmed. Organizing. And feeling good about myself for doing these things and for not always worrying about what anyone will say or think or do. Just being myself. Its been a nice change.

Do I enjoy being able to do whatever I want? Of course. But what have I done? I ate soup with a man, in broad daylight, without a chaperone. I’ve watched three and a half movies (plus two and a half before I left). YouTube sometimes, a little face powder for a while, trimmed my hair twice just a tiny bit. And missed church.

What have I found? Its fun to meet new people or to share a meal with someone without a chaperone. Movies are generally pretty boring, even if they were once favorites. I could care less about makeup, and like my hair as it is, but don’t think trimming it was a sin. I really enjoy the hymns and quiet worship of many denominational churches, their sermons about God’s love and mercy and grace, and their teachings about how to love each other… and haven’t yet found one that seems to be a good fit for me. But that’s OK.

And in all these things and others, I’ve discovered that it’s OK to relax. God loves us. He isn’t waiting to whack us if we are a little “off.” He won’t strike us the minute we stumble, but like any good parent will gently catch us, set us upright and encourage us to keep walking. It’s nice to be imperfect. And it’s a joy to realize perfection isn’t required. God loves us just the way we are.

Living free

I went to a baby shower at a church I’ve been visiting this weekend. I’ve been to lots of baby showers in the church, hated them, and felt guilty for hating them. This one was totally different.

On Thursday, I emailed one of the ladies in charge and asked her if she’d like me to bring a tray of food. She replied they’d forgotten the food, and that would be wonderful, then asked what I would be bringing. I replied briefly a veggie tray and maybe a fruit tray. She said great.

In Pentecostal churches, I have been intimidated to bring food to anything for a long time. What I brought to carry ins was rarely eaten. Ladies would tell me how to improve it, or remind me that they preferred more spices or more meat, or less fat or higher quality ingredients. What I brought to bake sales was set aside on the back corner of the table. My things rarely sold. What a waste of time, effort, and money!

So I went and bought the food for the trays. She hadn’t put limitations or expectations on me, so I was able to be more creative, and wasn’t so worried about what I got. I don’t have to impress these people, after all. If they need impressing, I’ll go somewhere else. It was fun choosing items for the trays, for a change. No agonizing over what fruit would be perfect or whether Sis Snooty would think there was enough. Just fun, making choices and considering what they would enjoy most.

When I got home, I was surprised to realize I had enough for three trays. Crackers and cheese. Veggies. Fruit. Each tray was filled with the things that would keep over night. Then on Saturday I put the remaining foods in their proper slots-even a slot for marshmallows, just for fun, and because I knew any kids that came would enjoy them.

My former church ladies would have had a fit. The grapes weren’t the freshest. They weren’t the largest. There were marshmallows in the fruit tray, and some were quartered regular sized ones, so they were a little sticky. The apples hadn’t been treated with lemon juice. Etc.

The ladies yesterday were just happy to be there. They complimented the trays, and laughed about how much they enjoyed the marshmallows. They chose foods politely, rather than piling their plates high and hoping there would be enough left over for people at the end of the line. They ate everything they chose- nothing was shunned as not good enough once tasted. No one complained about anything at all. It was absolutely amazing, and it was wonderful.

Then came the gifts. Oh, I hated choosing gifts for events in my former church. Once, a lady stopped me in Walmart, looked in my cart, and asked if that was what I was taking to the shower. She asked what else I was buying. I told her that was it. She proceeded to tell me that I needed a pricier brand and bigger box of diapers, took mine away and put her choice in my cart! What an interesting way to be helpful… though I know that’s what she thought she was being. At showers, gifts were always compared. Pricey gifts were expected. Brand names were a must.

Yesterday, gifting was different, too. Each gift was praised for it’s own merit. None was compared to another. None was shoved aside. All were passed around, admired, enjoyed by everyone, and placed neatly in the center of the table, together- not according to who gave what or what was deemed best, but as one large group of gifts, all respected, all admired. None was shoved on the floor or cast into a chair to one side. All were gratefully received.

Again, I was amazed. I have hated showers all my adult life. My gifts were never good enough, pricey enough… never the right brand or the right quality. But this weekend it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that there was a baby coming, and that we could celebrate the coming birth together. Not as family, but as friends, all in our own ways and with our abilities. And isn’t that, after all, the way the family of God should be?

Gossip

I have heard way too many times that basically God just dumps trials and tests on us as Christians, because “he that the Lord loveth he chasteneth,” and “the trying of our faith worketh patience.”

God is NOT responsible for people’s lies, gossip, spite, malice, and so forth. God is NOT the author of confusion. So He doesn’t tell people to do those things to us, nor does He decide to “put us through” those types of “trials.” When people backbite, gossip, slander, or abuse people, those aren’t trials God has put on us. That isn’t God testing us, that’s people sinning against us! I don’t care who does them. It can be the pastor’s pet, his family, or him, it can be someone who talks in tongues daily or hourly, but when they do those things, it’s still not of God. It’s still sin.

It seems like the last few years people in churches I’ve been to have stopped blaming the devil and started blaming God for all the hurt they cause others. When will they ever take responsibility for their actions?

God’s flying this boat

This is something I wrote several years ago…

God’s flying this boat! And if He wants to fly a boat, he can. What happens in our lives doesn’t always make much sense, if any. Or at least, not in my experience. But if and when you find yourself at this point, remember Who is in control. And if you wake up one morning to find your boat flying or your life seemingly upside down, well, it’s really too late to tell Jesus that boats don’t fly.

It scares us to death when things like that happen. But when it happens to you, what will you do? It’s not unrealistic to be afraid. And it isn’t nonreligious to be afraid. It is rather un-Christlike. But given the fact that you’re probably human, and given the fact that humans find certain Christlike things very disconcerting at times, what will you do?

You will find yourself in topsy-turvy times sooner or later. Jesus seemed to enjoy putting the disciples through things like that. (Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t still a favorite pastime of his…) I’m thinking of 12 disciples in a boat in the middle of the night. There’s a bit of a storm, and they’re rowing hard. All of a sudden, they see someone walking toward their boat. Normally, no problem. But they aren’t on shore. They’re in the middle of the Sea!

“And they cried out, and were sore afraid.” They were human. And they were scared. But Jesus said “It is I, be not afraid.” And they all said, “Whew!” “You had us going a minute there, Jesus!” “Ha, funny trick!”

Nope. They kept shaking. They were still scared. But brash Peter said, “OK, if it’s you, bid me come out to you.”

And Jesus said, “Come.” Peter walked to Him on the water. Was Peter unafraid? No. He was scared when he saw the wind and waves- he began to sink. He had just forgotten to be afraid for a minute, in his eagerness to get closer to Jesus.

And when Peter did become afraid and sink, did Jesus say, “You got yourself into this fix, now get yourself out”? Did He stand by and laugh? No. He reached out to Peter. He took Him by the hand. And immediately they were in the boat. No ropes thrown to them. No climbing in. They were just there. But suddenly it didn’t matter that it wasn’t a normal entrance. It just mattered that Jesus was on board.