Author: Mary | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Faith And Questioning: The Caterpillar

There is sometimes a lot of fear in leaving (or in having left) that we will leave God. We may not go to church as often, may not want to read our Bibles or pray or do other things that our former churches told were signs that we were Christians. However, no matter where we are or what questions we’re asking, we’re being honest for asking rather than pretending we don’t. It takes a lot of faith sometimes to doubt or question. And it takes a lot of guts, after what we’ve been taught, to be honest enough to admit we have questions.

Asking questions and suddenly not having definitive answers for all things God-related is scary. “I don’t know” wasn’t an acceptable answer to Bible or theology questions in many of our former churches. But in reality, “I don’t know” may be the honest answer to a lot of things. I don’t know much about God. I don’t know what certain passages mean in the Bible. I don’t know what might happen in the end times or even if there will be an end of time. I don’t know (or don’t care) if there is a hell or what it is like. I don’t know. I don’t know for sure that there is a God or that he is actively involved in the minutia of my life. I don’t know a whole lot of things. And that’s scary. It’s scary for me and it’s scary for others who know me, and it’s scary for others who are in the same boat.

Today I watched a caterpillar form it’s chrysalis. And… this is the unscientific version, but to do so, the caterpillar eats and eats. Then it goes and hangs upside down by it’s hind feet. And then it starts to convulse, to shake and it’s insides start to expand and contract oddly. That caterpillar separates from it’s outer skin and bunches up small inside. It’s skin then splits and everything — antennae, face, everything is separated off and shed away. What is left is an extremely soft, extremely vulnerable inner part hanging from a reed or a wall. Then the new outer part starts to harden and form a chrysalis.

This can’t be easy for the caterpillar. I’m sure it doesn’t feel good. To us it would feel lonely, possibly painful, and very scary. But for the caterpillar to survive and for it to be what it is meant to be, it has to go through this. And I think maybe sometimes we have to go through something similar spiritually — shed old ways, old thoughts, old ideas, and become very vulnerable and lonely for awhile.

The crazy thing is, the poor monarch has to do it all over again to come out of the chrysalis, just a couple weeks later. But the result is beautiful.

Maybe in being taught that we should hold onto the faith we had at one point in our lives we are inadvertently being taught not to grow and become what God himself intends. Maybe holding onto what we thought we had at one particular moment actually prevents us from growing as we should and becoming what God designed us to be.

I’ve heard so much preaching on childlike faith and would think back to my faith at this or that time growing up. I’d pray in those times that I’d get that innocent faith back. But I don’t think that’s what Jesus meant. The one constant about my childhood faith wasn’t that it was perfect or strong or mature. It was that no matter how big or small, it was never hampered by fears that it wasn’t as good as it had been at some there point in my life. And it was growing and changing. As a child, I lived more day to day, not worrying about whether I had enough faith but simply accepting whatever faith I had at the moment. Perhaps childlike faith isn’t childish or childhood faith, but faith that simply is faith, not a ‘faith’ that worries about all it isn’t, but just is what it is.

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Stumbling Blocks

Sometimes when we leave conservative groups, we’re uncomfortable doing certain things, not because we agree with the rules of the groups we left, but because the rules have been so ground into us. We’ve been taught that we might, by enjoying these things ourselves, tempt others who feel they’re sinful to also do them. Sometimes these aren’t even “radical” things. They might be things like going to a PG movie that someone disagrees with, getting ears pierced, or attending an event that includes alcohol.

The thing is, there’s nothing about any of this — how we dress, tattoos, piercings, what we watch, what events we attend — that makes them a stumbling block unless we’re pressuring those who ‘have a weaker conscience’ to do them with us…. or sneakily getting them into those events or situations without their knowledge or consent.

None of these things would lead someone else to sin, or become a stumbling block to them. My sister can be horrified that I watch a certain movie, but as long as I don’t watch it in front of her or surprise her by turning it on while she’s at my house, how would I be causing her to stumble? If I wear pants around former church friends who believe it’s wrong for me to wear pants, I’m not causing them to start wearing pants. Instead, they will be horrified and work all the harder not to wear pants themselves. I’m not making them sin.

I did find something interesting about stumbling blocks tonight: stumbling blocks can be defined as things that keep people from a relationship with God. So my pants, my make up, my choice in piercings, drinks, tattoos, or movies will not keep anyone from God… but the gossip, false judgment, shunning, etc. of former church members does keep people from relationships with God.

So which are the real stumbling blocks?

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Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 4

Continued from Part 3

I’m happy. I was concerned that I would have nightmares, that I would be so nervous I’d make myself sick, that I’d have last minute doubts… that I’d get food poisoning and wouldn’t be able to go. LOL

None of that happened. For me, getting re-baptized was the best thing I could have done at this point. I wanted it to be a faith thing, and it very much was. I didn’t want it to be a denial of anything I’d already experienced. There was only one person who didn’t understand who said anything. I didn’t try to correct her–I met her in a Bible study a few weeks ago and knew she had very little understanding of a whole lot of things. My decision would have confused her, so I stayed quiet.

Baptism was a very important thing to me. I stayed in Oneness churches, miserable, for nearly ten years simply because they baptized in Jesus’ name and no one else did. Standards played a very small roll, and worship styles and “moves of the Holy Ghost” played probably an even smaller one for most of those years. But baptism to me was huge.

I do have to say that the pastor was great today. I’m not sure how I would have reacted if he hadn’t said some of the things he did last week and this. He was careful both last Sunday when I joined and this Sunday when I was baptized to explain that I had been a Christian for “awhile.” Today he mentioned (without letting anyone know who had asked) that he’d been asked several questions about baptism recently. He then restated the answers he’d given to those (my) questions. Remembering those questions and answers at that moment was encouraging and reassuring to me. He also restated the meaning of baptism as signifying the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, which holds a whole lot of meaning for me. Though those may all be common practice for him, the significance for me was very meaningful.

Also, the words he said as he baptized us–and maybe he always does, I don’t know–was something like, “by the authority of Jesus Christ, upon your confession of faith and trust in Him, I now baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” That was really terrific. Any last minute concerns I might have had were gone after the first person he baptized that way. (hee hee I’d wondered if I might get there and in my mind be saying “in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus” but I didn’t!)

For me, it feels like things have come full circle. When I joined the United Pentecostal Church, I was told that I hadn’t really been a Christian before. But I was, and I couldn’t deny that. It put me on shaky ground. They told me one thing, I believed another, yet I believed what they preached about baptism and the Holy Ghost–the same things they used to say that I hadn’t been a Christian before I started attending their church. Things just felt out of kilter.

Over the last year and a half, there have been several times that it seemed like another piece fell into place and I regained a bit more balance. A few months after leaving, for instance, during an invitational at the church I then attended, they led “whosoever will” in a “sinner’s prayer.” At my pew that day, I modified that prayer to a re-commitment to Jesus, asking His forgiveness for my lack of understanding (through the years of trying to follow a church, organization or man, and trying to please people rather than Him), and asking His direction from that point. That was a wonderful day. It felt like the pieces reconnected somehow, that I could finally accept what had made a huge impact in my life as a child–accepting Jesus as my Savior. (Something strongly taught against in the Oneness churches I’ve been in.)

There have been several other times that it seemed like a piece would fall into place–talking to a pastor and questioning him without being rebuked, leaving one church for another and still being accepted at both, learning what others truly believe and finding out that I agree… and etc.

That really has little to do with baptism in itself. Someone else will find that balance and that feeling of fitting or of all the pieces falling in place another way. No matter where or how that balance is found, I hope we all find it. But for me, there was huge significance in that simple act today.

For me it was just a very, very good experience.

Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 1
Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 2

Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 3

Continued from Part 2

Would being re-baptized help further the gospel in any way?

Probably not in the short term, at least. There are plenty of churches I could join and be a part of without being re-baptized.

Would it be meaningful to me personally? (if so, how?)
What are my reasons and motives? Would this be a reaction against the church I left, or a response to God?

Yes. I’m not sure all are good reasons to be re-baptized, but there are many ways it would be meaningful to me. I won’t go into the reasons here right now, though I thought about it. Everyone is different in this area though, and would have to honestly answer for themselves based on prayerful consideration, not anything I’d write.

Would it be a positive experience for me, or would I have doubts/would being re-baptized go against conscience?

Yes, it would be a positive experience for me, I’m fairly certain. No, being re-baptized wouldn’t go against my conscience.

I will be re-baptized this coming Sunday. I was concerned I might be nervous or doubtful, that I might even have nightmares about it. That hasn’t been the case. Most of that, I suspect, is because the pastor of my new church has handled the situation well. He did not simply announce that I would be getting baptized, but explained, very simply, that I’d been a Christian for quite awhile but had requested to be baptized [at this church]. He didn’t in any way deny what God has already done or make it sound like I was trying to “start over.” He also left the decision completely to me.

Also, I’ve come to view baptism very differently than I was brought up to view it or as I saw it in Pentecost. I no longer think baptism is saving in itself, and one off-shoot of a new understanding of baptism was the realization that if baptism itself doesn’t save me, neither will being re-baptized UNsave me.

Above that, I can’t view God as being displeased with either choice, as long as my decision is based in faith rather than fear and is done in good conscience.

I haven’t been nervous all week–except about what to wear since they don’t have baptismal robes. Not one nightmare… which surprised me. It kind of hit me harder today how final this is, at least in the view of my former church. According to them if someone leaves and gets re-baptized in the titles, they probably can’t be saved. IF (huge if) they would have ever accepted me back, they more than likely wouldn’t after Sunday. It’s not something that bothers me, but it has given this a significance I’d prefer in a way it didn’t have. I’m not doing this to deny anything that God’s done, but rather to testify to what He’s been doing and to reaffirm and attest to my faith in Jesus. Words wouldn’t have carried the same weight as this act, and there would have remained doubt in my mind about the whole issue. So this is very much a statement and act of faith.

I’m a little excited, but at peace enough that I’ll actually be turning off the computer before midnight!

Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 1

Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 2

Continued from Part 1

Up to this point in my questions, I leaned toward not being re-baptized. Then a few nights ago I came across something interesting that added some depth to my questions and stirred them again.

In Acts 16, Paul had Timothy circumcised. Not for salvation, not because he believed in circumcision, but so that he and Timothy could be more effective witnesses, so that the gospel could be furthered. They were going on a journey and would first teach in the synagogues to unbelieving Jews. Had Timothy gone along and not been circumcised, the Jews would have quite likely rejected Paul’s message. However, with Timothy circumcised, this wouldn’t be a problem, and Timothy could help not only teach the Jews but also reach the Greeks on the journey. (Later when Christian Jews wanted Titus circumcised for their own beliefs, Paul withstood them [Gal 2]).

There is something to this for me. Yes, the ones who’ve recommended re-baptism are already Christians. But there’s something else I haven’t put my finger on yet in regard to this, that keeps nibbling at the back of my mind. It would be a strong witness, a testimony, a symbolism of unity and of my beliefs, an act of commitment beyond words on my part, and to me that’s worth considering.

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Several months ago, I asked the pastor of the church I was attending, and was told that I’d already been baptized and that was enough. Then I started going to another church, and am told re-baptism would probably be a good idea.

(It seems to me that most of the churches in this area that I feel comfortable in, regardless of doctrine, want me to be re-baptized if they know I went to my former church and know anything about what the church teaches. The one that said I wouldn’t need to be re-baptized knew neither. The church I now attend would prefer that I be re-baptized if I want to be a member. And I think I do.)

Anyway, here is his response in part:

If you were baptized as a believer, following the commandment from Jesus to be baptized (scriptural baptism- baptism is an example of our faith not a requirement for it) then that was all that was needed.

I personally believe baptism is following the commandment of Jesus Christ, a public profession, not becoming a member. However, to be a voting member I believe that one should be baptized. If we are a Christian we will want to follow thru with what Jesus did.

…I don’t know if people know you from when you were at [my former church]. Some might. Therefore, I like what you said about considering being baptized as a testimony. Saying “I believe what the Bible teaches me, and because I do, I want to show the church that I am a believer.” This is what baptism is to me; It is the public profession that you are a Christian. I believe this is an outstanding idea.

I don’t think he’d necessarily require re-baptism, based on this. And yes, I’ve thought about running him through the mill on it, asking about membership without re-baptism, just to see what he would say. But that wouldn’t be a very nice thing to do, would it?

So I submitted the question to an online group called the Bereans. I was curious what their response might be. (They don’t often answer questions, supposedly, but I got an answer within 12 hours.) Here’s their response:

We don’t believe there is any Scripture forbidding a re-baptism in order to satisfy the requirements of the group you mention. On the other hand, we would also believe that your initial baptism was sufficient and that the re-baptism adds nothing that has not already been demonstrated.

Matthew 28:19 has the Lord Jesus giving the Great Commission to His disciples and specifically commanding them to baptize those who become converts. He was giving this task to believers. Further, those who believed were baptized (Acts 2:41; 8:12; 8:36-38; 9:17-18; 10:44-48; 16:32-33; 19:1-5; 1 Corinthians 1:14-17, etc.). Matthew 28:19-20 specifically commands that the disciples are to be taught “all things whatsoever I have commanded you…” (Matthew 28:19). Jesus had just commanded them to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, etc. Therefore we conclude that He desired them to be baptized.

Baptism does not save, yet we see converts throughout the book of Acts submitting to water baptism. Jesus Himself was baptized, stating “thus it becometh us to fufill all righteousness” (Matthew 3:15). According to 1 Peter 3:21, “baptism also doth also now save us…” This “saving” is not salvation, because the scripture continues by explaining that it is “not the putting away of the filth of the flesh…” What does it then do?

Jesus was baptized by John just prior to beginning His public ministry. It was a point of separation between His former life and that which culminated in the Cross. 1 Peter 3:20-21 gives us the example of Noah. It explains that Noah’s very real experience has an application for us. Just as the judgement that fell on the world in the form of the deluge separated Noah from the wicked world that surrounded him, our baptism is a point of separation for us as well. It is “…the answer of a good conscience toward God…” (1 Peter 3:21).

Consequently, if it furnishes a “good conscience” we see no problem with you being re-baptized.

So I still have questions:

Would being re-baptized help further the gospel in any way?
Would it be meaningful to me personally? (if so, how?)
What are my reasons and motives? Would this be a reaction against the church I left, or a response to God?
Would it be a positive experience for me, or would I have doubts/would being re-baptized go against conscience?

To be continued…