Author: Lois | Page 55 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #6: How You Are Treated

When one leaves an unhealthy church, how they are treated sometimes depends upon how those who remain perceive it.

If you are only seen as struggling in an area or being influenced by someone else, then your exit may be looked at in a more positive light. People may keep in touch, invite you to church services and functions, and the pastor may even encourage this.

If you are viewed as rebellious or no longer believing some of their teachings, you will be seen in a poor light, probably talked about more, and avoided or shunned. Some controlling pastors will tell church members to not have anything to do with you.

I remember leaving my former church for a few months before I left for good. I had been going through a rough time, had returned from being in charge of a church to a huge difference at my home church and had broken things off with my fiancé, which was very hard emotionally. During this time I was contacted by numerous members through mail and phone. this was prior to all the social media we have now.

When I left for good a couple years later, there was very little contact from anyone. Some months after I left, the pastor told everyone to turn off any recording devices during a service and he said some things about me. To this day I do not know what was said. He called other pastors from the same organization to ‘warn’ them about me. Various negative rumors circulated. I was definitely seen as bad and on my way to the hot place.

Yet when I left, I caused no problems and didn’t run around trying to pull anyone out with me. My leaving was done quietly and in a way to not bring unnecessary attention to it. But what triggered them to later turn on me, because the first several months after my exit there were no rumors or warnings?

I had been putting together a paper, mainly for my own studies, refuting their teaching of women not being permitted to cut their hair. A current member, who was a close friend, told the pastor about it after a harsh sermon he gave on hair. Only a very few had seen it and that was by their request after I had left.

How those at your former church perceive your exit may well influence how you are treated. Don’t expect many friendships to remain if you are seen as questioning or going against any teaching. The campaign against you by unhealthy leadership will intensify in an effort to keep current members in ‘the truth’ and away from you.

Informational post on speaking in tongues #10

This is just a little ‘did you know’ informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought. It is for those reading this blog series who wish to know my beliefs.

I believe in the gifts of the Spirit, including speaking in tongues, and that they are available today. In addition to the nine often focused upon in Pentecostal churches (1 Corinthians 12), the Bible does mention others. Nowhere can I find where the Bible teaches that tongues are necessary evidence of Spirit baptism or a matter of salvation.

There is a wrong overemphasis on speaking in tongues in some churches (as well as an equal lack of emphasis regarding other gifts), in addition to their misuse, like there was among the Corinthian believers. The Bible says very little about speaking in tongues, with the most being found in 1 Corinthians 12 & 14, where correction and teaching were given by Paul.

I believe the Bible teaches that tongues do not have a place in a gathering of believers unless there is an accompanying interpretation or unless there are those present who understand the language(s) being spoken, such as in Acts 2. This is based upon what Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 12-14 with regard to the gifts.

Nowhere in the Bible do I see speaking in tongues as anything more than one of many gifts of the Spirit that a believer might possibly receive. Paul showed that all do not speak in tongues and that we should desire gifts that edify all and not only ourselves.

In none of my blogs am I trying to discredit or say that speaking in tongues isn’t for today. They are not at all trying to take from anyone’s experience. What they ARE trying to do, is put tongues in what I believe to be their proper biblical place – one of many gifts of the Spirit a believer might or might not receive. I see it as nothing more and nothing less. They are also meant to bring attention to instances where things are read into the Bible and assumed, which leads to erroneous teachings. This includes the thought that tongues are an angelic or heavenly language or a groaning.

The main point I am trying to make with these posts is that in the Bible, there is nothing that tells or shows us that speaking in tongues is a matter of salvation, the initial sign of receiving God’s Spirit, or was expected and emphasized as it is today. The truth that it is mentioned so few times in the Bible, with the majority of them being Paul’s instructions on their proper use and showing how they were misused by a group of believers, shows that today’s overemphasis on them- especially in saying they are mandatory- is in error.

We have been taught things about this subject that are not true, often have not compared our practices with what we see in the Bible, and many can only see the teachings and passages through what their church teaches. It is important to allow the scriptures to speak for themselves and not be seen through the glasses of any church or organization.

Good Things Do Happen

One of the hardest things for some who leave an unhealthy church is to acknowledge that along with the abuse or wrong teachings, there were good things and experiences that happened at their old church.

People leave with hurts and damage ranging from mild all the way to very extreme. Some are quite angry at first and may lash out at anything to do with their church. These people need to be able to openly express their feelings, something that often is not allowed in unhealthy churches.

Usually as time goes on and they learn about spiritual abuse and what happened, you start to watch their transformation from anger into one of healing. Being able to see that there were good things, along with the bad, is a sign that the healing process is at work.

Unless a person was involved in an extreme situation, they really did have some good things happen during their involvement. And even in extreme cases, there is often something good that took place. They may have made close friends, had some good teachings, enjoyed times of fellowship, and so forth. Seeing and acknowledging these things does not set aside the fact that they were hurt and damage occurred. It is by no means placing ones seal of approval on a church/group.

If you find yourself regularly lashing out in anger toward your former church or group, especially if this has lasted many months or years, please find a safe place to work through all the issues. You may want to consider professional licensed counseling. It is one thing to disagree with doctrines and point out abuses which happened, but it is different when you are in anger mode, lashing out much of the time. It is hurting you and possibly others around you. Healing is attainable.

The spiritual abuse website offers a safe place for people to discuss, share, heal and encourage others along the way, even sometimes get free books and media that may be helpful. Don’t allow your former bad church experience to continue to have a negative effect on your life.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #5: Don’t Listen To The Gossip

“I overheard the pastor telling Bob that you had a rebellious spirit and we aren’t supposed to contact you. He thinks you’ll soon be a drunk or on drugs.”

“Liz said that if you had been under submission to your husband, you never would have cut your hair and that’s why your son broke his leg.”

“Doug said that the reason you left is because you were never really one of us and were faking it all along.”

“One of the women at church caught you wearing make-up and now you’re being called Jezebel.”

You’ve left an unhealthy or abusive church and start hearing what current members, and maybe even the pastor, are saying. You are hurt, heartbroken – maybe angry. Though you recall seeing this happen to others who left, and expected it to occur, it hits hard.

Unfortunately, being human we sometimes have this desire to want to know what others are saying about us. Curiosity gets the best of us. But remember the old saying that ‘curiosity killed the cat’ because listening to this kind of talk can temporarily kill your spirits. There is more than enough to deal with in sorting through all the emotions and issues involved in leaving, than to add unnecessary turmoil to it all.

The best way to handle this is to stop the talk before it hits your ears. If someone from the former church starts sharing what anyone else there is saying about you, stop them in their tracks and tell them you do not wish to hear it. Some church members have nothing better to do than to talk about those who left, make up stories and believe things without ever stopping to determine their veracity. Through it all, most don’t call, write or visit.

These were people you bonded with and loved and you don’t need to hear the latest gossip about yourself or why you left and what you are supposedly doing now. If listened to, you will most likely be hurt and don’t need to get angry enough that you say or do things which will later be regretted and that will be used against you to ‘prove’ you are backslid, rebellious, reprobate, etc.

Remember, you decided to move on and are no longer a member. Don’t get pulled into the nonsense and run around trying to put out all the fires. You know your character, why you left and how you are living. All the talk in the world won’t change that truth and you will never convince otherwise those who are determined to believe a lie.

If you allow people to report these negative things, fighting your thoughts will prove more troublesome. You will need to guard your own spirit more carefully and will have additional ups and downs due to thinking about all the gossip and how wrong and unfair it is. Save yourself some heartache and turmoil by not listening. Don’t allow your curiosity to get the best of you.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #4: Remaining in the Same Organization

You leave an unhealthy or abusive church but are thinking of remaining within the same religious organization. You don’t question the main doctrine or perhaps believe you can help bring change from within. You haven’t done anything wrong, but are no longer in agreement on an issue or teaching.

Sometimes pastors take it upon themselves to call around to other area pastors within their organization, to ‘warn’ them about you. I know firsthand as it happened to me. I went to see a neighboring pastor, to decide if I might attend there, and he informed me that my former pastor had called with a warning concerning me. (He would have been fine with me becoming a member, though I decided that I could no longer attend these churches due to my changed beliefs.)

It is funny how some pastors, who feel that salvation isn’t found much outside their organization, will feel it is right to try and block a person from attending another church with their same ‘truth.’ Apparently they want them to be lost. Isn’t that really what they are saying with their actions? Or perhaps they are trying to force them to come back on their knees, begging to return. If so, that is pathetic, controlling, manipulative and sick. In the years since I left, I have heard numerous people share that their former pastor warned other pastors about them. (Another thing, that goes along with this, are pastors sometimes telling current members to have no contact with the person who left.)

If the pastor who is being warned is anything like the one doing the warning, then you will be told you are not welcome. They probably won’t even give you a chance to explain why you left. If they are not, you may have an opportunity to attend. There is a chance you could be welcomed openly, but there is more of a chance that you will be closely watched and not trusted, nor allowed to become involved. You may have to go through months of this before being fully accepted, that is if you don’t somehow ‘mess up’ in the meantime.

Should you find yourself in this place and not openly welcomed, you may want to consider the possibility that your reasons for leaving may not just be a local church issue (this is initially what I thought) and that there may be more wrong with the actual group than you thought. People are not owned by the church they attend, nor the pastor of it. And if someone is trying to keep you outside the walls of ‘truth,’ then perhaps that truth isn’t really what it is claimed to be.

If your church feels they have some special truth that the majority of people do not have, wouldn’t it be more fitting to do everything they can to reach out to you, even if they believe you are in sin or rebellion? Isn’t it better that you are saved, than cast aside and doomed for all eternity? From the actions of some, you wouldn’t think so!

In the United Pentecostal Church, no pastor is supposed to allow you to join their church without a letter of transfer from your former UPC pastor. This link on letters of transfer within the UPC may prove helpful as some pastors have wrongfully withheld it.

Many have attempted to change an unhealthy group from within and most are unsuccessful. These groups are often set up in a manner that is not open to the average member being able to bring about change. In some it is impossible. It is better to look to your own spiritual well being and pray for those yet within, than to remain in a system which may further hurt your spiritual walk.