Author: Lois | Page 14 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Focusing on the Do’s and Don’ts

Let’s face it, in all of our lives there are things we may do that are not the healthiest for us. It doesn’t mean everything outside of attending church, reading the Bible, praying and listening to Christian music is a sin. Yet in unhealthy churches, the focus is taken off of God and is placed upon ourselves- what we do or do not do. The more unhealthy the church, the more the focus is placed on what we do. It creates what is termed the performance trap.

A person in this situation becomes so focused upon what they do or do not do that they slowly shut off God’s influence in their life. Instead of listening to the Holy Spirit, they become focused on a list of rules and being sure to be able to check off all the do’s and don’ts they believe are required of them. There is a great futility in this over-focus upon themselves as the person finds that, no matter how hard they try, they keep falling short of the goal.
This, in turn, causes them to doubt their walk with God, if God even cares for them and often causes them to loathe themselves. So they determine to try harder. As it is with human nature, they inevitably fall short again and each turn of the cycle pulls the person deeper and deeper into the clutches of the unhealthy church. Their view of God becomes more distorted and many times he is seen as a harsh taskmaster, sometimes anxiously awaiting their failures so he can inflict some form of punishment or leave them behind. The sermons they hear help to enforce all of these things and keep the person in its grips, because we all know that there is no hope outside the church doors (or so we thought).

An over-focus on anything is not good. I am readily reminded of a time in my life in the 90s when I underwent a battery of tests on my heart. I had an EKG, stress test with echo cardiogram, 24 hour holter monitor and then the month long monitoring. Outside of showering, I had to wear a monitor 24/7 and if I were to experience a change in my heartbeat, I had to press a button and also record times and what happened. I had to then regularly call and transmit what the monitor had recorded. It wasn’t difficult and the monitor wasn’t too bulky…..but the constant over-focus on what my heart was doing was stressful enough that it caused me to have my first panic attack. In all the other times my heart did “flip flops,” it never caused that, but an over-focus on my heart brought about an unwelcome and unpleasant panic attack.

The New Testament does not tell us to focus on ourselves and did not give us a checklist of things to do and not do in order to be right with or accepted by God. Yes, there are things in everyone’s life that may not be good or healthy. Yet an over-focus on ourselves is not the answer. Jesus didn’t die for us to have another list of rules or to think that by following rules we can live healthy and good lives.

He wants us to have a relationship with him. And in that relationship, in learning to walk with God’s Spirit, God is more than able to show us anything in our lives that is not healthy for us. As our walk with God develops and our love for him grows, change will be a natural result of this. This change does not just consist of letting go of things that are not good, but also includes instilling into us things such as love, gentleness, and long-suffering. It is a heart change- not an outward change brought upon by reading and checking off a list of things we have been told are needful or sinful.

When a person does things from their heart, they are real and these things show who a person really is. It isn’t just going through the motions. It isn’t about pleasing a pastor or church group. It isn’t about looking the part while our insides are torn up. It’s about our personal relationship with God and his writing upon our hearts.

All too often in an unhealthy church, people come to see God as having a list of demands due to the harmful teachings thrown at them. In these churches, do people get a real glimpse of God or his grace? Did their lives simply become about all the things they needed to change and were told were displeasing to him? This is certainly not the good news of Jesus Christ. It is not the gospel; it is not what Jesus came to do. It has nothing to do with a relationship with God.

Think about who in the New Testament writings was shown to have a list of rules to follow. So important were these rules that when a person was healed on the Sabbath, instead of rejoicing that someone was made whole, they became angry because a rule was broken. They were so blinded that they could not see the love that caused the healing and instead chose to hate and sought to kill Jesus because he broke their rules. Rule following like this causes people to be like the Pharisees. Blind. Self-important. Hypocrites. They may appear good from the outside, but the inside is not.

If anyone reading is still caught up in the performance trap, it is my hope and desire that you will break free from those chains and develop your one on one relationship with God. There is hope outside of those churches that lay heavy burdens upon people!

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

When Ministers Put Church Above Their Own Families

In wanting to cover some ways men are particularly affected by spiritual abuse, let’s look at how the mindset often leads to ministers neglecting or mistreating their own wives and families.

Unfortunately in unhealthy churches, a minister often puts church above his own family. Members and church activities come before them. At the same time, the children feel extra pressure (possibly from both members and their father) to uphold the rules and appear spiritual and the wife may feel even more pressure in those areas.

There is also another side to this. While some ministers may be extra hard on family members, some let family get away with things that they would not let a regular member do. In other words, the rules for family are different from rules for members and you’d better not mention this. Some ministers may suddenly change a rule when their own children are older and want to do something that was previously forbidden.

At my former unhealthy church, the pastor’s wife once shared with me that she didn’t feel her opinion mattered. She felt pushed aside. Another minister who was friends with them, shared that the pastor promised him he would treat his wife better. This was when he was in his 60s and been married a long time. That is sad and I don’t know that he ever did. While some pastor’s wives can be very pushy and expect the red carpet to be thrown out for them, this pastor’s wife was certainly not that way.

It is very hard on a family when the minister husband and father treat church members better than them- when they have time for the needs of others and not family, when they can always work on things that need to be done at the church and not at home, when they are not there physically and/or emotionally for their own family yet are for others. This is certainly not what God intended. While ministers are called to be servants, they are not called to neglect their own familes in the process. But in unhealthy churches, their focus is wrong.

This has helped to cause some preacher’s kids to leave church and/or faith in Jesus. In some of their minds, they feel if God wants them to be neglected or mistreated, if God doesn’t care about their needs, why should they follow Him? Through the years I have operated my website and support group, I have encountered quite a few disillusioned and hurt PKs.

When men are taught, or learn from the example of others, that church is the most important thing in their lives, it harms many people. What is even more sad is that they are often blind to the fact that they are neglecting or abusing their own family.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Informational post on speaking in tongues #14: Almost Got The Spirit

This is just a little ‘did you know’ informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought.

Another thing that often happens in Apostolic churches is people being told they “almost got the Holy Ghost/Spirit.” This is different from mainstream Pentecostal churches because Apostolics believe that speaking in tongues is the “initial evidence” of having received the Spirit. Because of this, if a person fails to speak in tongues, they are considered lost. Some will say this is not related to spiritual abuse, but I disagree. When you tell people that God “almost” gave them His Spirit, it leaves the person fearful and frustrated. Let’s look into this.

I don’t know how many times I have heard it said since the early 1980s that someone “almost” got the Holy Spirit. Perhaps the person expressed joy or had what some term “stammering lips.” Maybe they stumbled over their words (sometimes due to exhaustion). The person might be told this “almost” happened or, at the very least, people who are established in the church will think this or say it to someone else.

The person who was “tarrying” for the Spirit may walk away drained, tired and defeated in their spirit. Why didn’t God go all the way and just given them His Spirit? Why did God withhold? Is there something bad in their heart? Do they have unrepented sin? Do they lack faith? Could God be rejecting them? Maybe they need to stop some bad habit first? What if something happens to them before this happens? Oh, no, they don’t want to be lost! Many questions, doubts and fears can fill the mind of the person who “almost” received God’s Spirit.

Where did this belief come from? Can we find any instances in the Bible where someone “almost” received God’s Spirit? Can we find Jesus or any of the apostles teaching that this can happen? For those reading who have been subject to this teaching, have you taken the time to search your Bible to see if anything related to this is found there? This is a teaching that has been passed from person to person through the years and has been accepted by many. It causes unnecessary turmoil and fear.

One biblical incident that some might attempt to use in an effort to teach this is found in Acts 8, where the Gospel is delivered to the Samaritans, people believe and are water baptized, and yet they did not receive the Spirit right then. (There is not space to go into the other aspects of the incident in this post and so I am sticking with my main thought.) While this is true, they did not “almost” receive the Spirit as that was something absolutely impossible. Why? The Spirit had not fallen on any of them yet. Because of this, no one can use Acts 8 to prove that someone can “almost” get the Spirit.

Another incident some try to use is in Acts where Paul “almost” persuades Agrippa to be a Christian. This has to do with a person believing on and placing their faith in Jesus and has nothing to do with him “almost” being filled with the Spirit.

There is not one incident in all of the Bible where it is shared that a person “almost” got the Holy Spirit. Not one time do we find anyone teaching that a believer can “almost” receive the Spirit. I know this may be hard for some to realize, but it simply is nowhere to be found. If we cannot find trace of it in the Bible, why do we teach and accept this today? Has God changed? Has He lost some of his power and authority down through the years?

What the Bible does teach is that the Holy Spirit is a gift from God. Jesus shared that He is our Comforter. Believers are sealed with the Spirit. Why would God “almost” give a person this gift? How would God “almost” give a person this gift? If God so loves the world and God so desires us to have a relationship with Him, why would anyone “almost” be given His Spirit? Stop and think about this.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Informational post on speaking in tongues #13: Praying Through

This is just a little ‘did you know’ informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought.

One thing that often happens in Apostolic churches is “praying through.” This is stressed for when one sins (real or perceived), as well as for when one “backslides” and leaves one of these churches. Now, some will say this is not related to spiritual abuse, but I disagree. When you tell people that they are no longer saved or that God hasn’t accepted them back simply because you have not heard the person speak in tongues again, it causes harm to the person. It puts them in fear and they doubt their salvation. It causes some to have a distorted image of God.

This notion of “praying through” basically means that, since Apostolics/Oneness Pentecostals believe speaking in tongues is the initial evidence of receiving the Holy Spirit, many in this group also believe that if a person sins or backslides, they need to “pray through” afterward until they speak in tongues again. Until the tongues are heard, the person is usually perceived as not right with God, not accepted by God and/or still has sin or unrepented sin in their heart. Faith is tossed aside in exchange for some type of tangible proof that God still wants that person.

Sometimes these people are able to quickly speak in tongues again. It is a relief to the person as well as to their fellow members. Sometimes the person never speaks in tongues again. Other times it takes days, weeks, maybe even months before it happens. During this time, the person often fears for their soul, wondering why God hasn’t accepted them. Their fellow members may keep their distance or they may regularly fast and pray for them. In their mind, the individual is holding back, doesn’t want to stop sinning, or has some sin for which they have not yet repented. Leadership may even say fearful things like, “If the rapture took place today, brother x isn’t ready and would be left behind.”

In unhealthy churches, fear is a main motivating factor behind a majority of what is taught and done. Causing someone to believe they have not been accepted by God is as bad as it goes. For a Christian, if you believe God hasn’t accepted you, what hope do you have? Your life is fraught with dread and fear and you spend your time searching yourself to discover just what is so bad that this is happening. You repent of all sorts of things, as well as the things that may be in your heart that you don’t see. Finally one day you manage to speak in tongues again and you are relieved (for the moment). God does really love you! If this happens at home, you may still be seen in the same way by fellow members until they hear you for themselves in a church service.

Where did this notion of “praying through” until you speak in tongues come from? Are you tormented by a teaching that can be found nowhere in the Bible? Are you beside yourself, thinking that God has not accepted you, all because some minister or fellow Christians told you this? Has anyone read where Paul was told by Silas he needed to “pray through” after having his heated disagreement with Barnabas? Did Paul tell Peter he had to “pray through” when Peter wrongfully separated himself from Gentile believers?

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Giveaway: C.H. Yadon & the Vanishing Theological Past in Oneness Pentecostalism

This is only open to those with a USA mailing address. We always provide these giveaways at no charge to our readers.

This is your chance to receive a new copy of C.H. Yadon and the Vanishing Theological Past in Oneness Pentecostalism by Thomas Fudge. It is the third book in his series on Oneness Pentecostalism. It covers Oneness Pentecostal history, and highlights the United Pentecostal Church, of which Mr. Fudge was once a member.

The emphasis is on the life of C.H. Yadon. Yadon turned in his UPC license in 1993 when the affirmation statement started being required of all ministers. Over the years, the UPCI has pushed people out of the organization as they took stands against various beliefs.

United Pentecostal General Superintendent David Bernard did not want this book to be published and his comments are included in Fudge’s work. His comments alone are a good reason to want to read this book as the UPCI doesn’t want aspects of their actual history known. This is what Bernard wrote:

“I do not recommend the book for publication, for the following reasons: (1) The audience is extremely limited. The focus and tone are too narrow to appeal to most scholars. The subject matter is of interest primarily to Oneness Pentecostals, but C.H. Yadon is not a well-known figure in the movement’s history, and those who would be interested could be repelled by the harsh anti-UPC rhetoric. Thus, the most likely readers are those who have left the Oneness Pentecostal movement or who are considering it. (2) The research does not meet scholarly standards. It doesn’t adequately engage the latest scholarship in the field. It doesn’t consider or interact meaningfully with opposing evidence or alternative views. It relies excessively on marginal, questionable, or unverifiable sources with inadequate attention to readily available, documented, and credible sources. (3) It is a mixture of historical analysis and theological debate, but doesn’t fully complete either task successfully. In any case, the author has already covered this ground in a previous book. (4) It gives excessive space and coverage to a little-known, insignificant work by a nineteenth-century, semi-Arian writer. Since that work doesn’t represent a significant position within Oneness Pentecostalism, it has limited historical or theological value. (5) The family of C.H. Yadon opposes publication.”

Some might be interested in a series of lectures by Thomas Fudge on the history of Christianity from the Roman Empire until the Reformation. https://youtu.be/WgTDplQabRk

This giveaway is a drawing. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on March 30, 2025 at 6pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner.

Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as it may require approval.

Be sure to check back to see if you have won as in the past some people have not responded after winning and so a new winner had to be drawn. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it, so be sure to watch your email and check the spam folder. If I know your Facebook profile, I will message you there.

In 2025, we’ll be giving away one copy of each of Thomas Fudge’s books on the UPCI/Oneness Pentecostalism (Christianity without the Cross: A History of Salvation in Oneness Pentecostalism and Heretics & Politics: Theology, Power, and Perception in the Last Days of CBC), plus plus Women and Worship at Corinth: Paul’s Rhetorical Arguments in 1 Corinthians and Unveiling Paul’s Women: Making Sense of 1 Corinthians 11:2–16 by Lucy Peppiatt and more.

You may want to subscribe to the email notifications of new blog posts in order to not miss these. While we try to share about our giveaways on social media, those platforms often do not show the posts to many people.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.