Author: Lois | Page 14 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Colorado United Pentecostal Sex Abuse Cases Part 3

This is part 34 of a series of articles and part three involving a United Pentecostal Church in Colorado.

(Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by one witness, though there are several others which have corroborated various aspects of the account given below. There have been no convictions as the cases mentioned were not reported to the police at the time and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt.)

In writing these articles, people have contacted me about additional instances of both proven and alleged sexual abuse in the United Pentecostal Church. This installment will cover a second alleged situation that involves this same well-known church in Colorado. (See Part 1 and Part 2 for information.) Between the two sets of asterisks below is one person’s account of cases that involve the alleged sexual assault of minor boys- yes, plural- by a man who was given the position of Youth Pastor. It appears these crimes may have occurred between 1999 and 2000. During 1999 the alleged perpetrator would have turned 35. He is currently the pastor at a church in New Jersey, where he has been since the early 2000s, and no longer holds license with the UPCI.

In looking into this situation, I conversed with several people, including eyewitnesses to the service described in this report, and based upon their accounts I do not doubt this meeting took place, nor do I doubt that more than one boy was sexually abused. There will be at least one additional article about this.

****************************

For a few months, we didn’t have a youth pastor. Numbers dropped, many young people stopped coming to youth services altogether. Our pastor and his wife took on the role of youth pastor for awhile until things started dwindling down and we rarely had a youth service anymore.

Then one Sunday it was announced that we had a new youth pastor and family coming in! I was so excited, this was the BEST news. They weren’t as smooth or polished as the previous youth pastor, but the guy, whom I will call Youth Pastor Z, was so down to earth and genuine. From the moment I met him and his wife, I was smitten. They were charismatic and instantly made you feel like family. Their adorable baby girl was so sweet and full of life and laughter. What a refreshment!

Nearly a year went by and I couldn’t imagine ever having been without these amazing people. Youth Pastor Z was an incredible mentor and he seemed to really take it upon himself to reach out to the “unpopular” young men that other youth pastors never paid any attention to. He included the ones from single mother homes, those who came to church without parents, etc. He was known for having youth sleepovers with some of the boys in the group and then taking them all fishing or camping or hiking.

As a young girl, I was a little jealous of this, because I didn’t know why he seemed to only cater to the boys. Why didn’t his wife do a girls sleepover once in awhile?

Then…it happened again. It almost felt like a horrible déjà vu. A Sunday night service came and went without Youth Pastor Z one Sunday…and again the visitors were asked to leave the service because of an “all church meeting.”

Youth Pastor Z was asked to resign and we were not allowed to have any contact with them. They were also leaving the state immediately. No details were given.

I was so sick to my stomach. What happened this time? Why is our youth group cursed?

This time, I didn’t hear for years whatever happened with Youth Pastor Z. This story was kept under wraps for a long time. He moved away and has since pastored a church in another state.

The Truth Comes Out
About a year or so ago, I reconnected with someone I had grown up with in this UPC church via Facebook. As we talked and complained about the PTSD we still experienced from time to time after being a part of this cult, it came out that he had been molested by Youth Pastor Z.

As it turns out, Youth Pastor Z was asked to leave his position and the state of Colorado because he had been molesting young boys in the church. Instantly, those youth sleepovers came to my mind and I wanted to vomit.

Yet again, no charges were filed. Youth Pastor Z was allowed to leave with his reputation intact.

I have found out from a couple of the victims that after everything came out, the church pastor asked to meet with them and their parent/guardians. They were instructed not to involve the authorities in both of these cases because it wasn’t “biblical.” The pastor said that he wanted to allow God to deal with them and that God’s punishment would be far greater than anything the law could ever do to them.

You may be shaking your head at this and saying, “what parent in their right mind would agree to this?” A church member never went against the pastor. Ever.

I cannot fathom how a pastor would ever think that not reporting sexual abuse under his own roof is acceptable.

Wait. Yes, I can.

Why Weren’t the Victims Protected?
I have asked myself over and over…why wasn’t anyone protected? What was the reasoning?

The only conclusion I can come to is that this prominent and well-known pastor didn’t want his name dragged through the mud. He didn’t want to lose church members. He didn’t want the UPC to think less of him. So, he hid it. He allowed sex offenders to go free. He never defended the innocent children. He even allowed them to take blame. To save his name and his reputation.

I wonder if this had happened to one of his grandchildren if he would have allowed the child molester to go free? Me thinks not.

As I mentioned in both above stories [NOTE: See Part 1 for the first story], each youth pastor has moved on to pastor churches in other states. Which begs me to wonder, how many others have there been? How many more children were subjected to sexual abuse because these men were allowed to go free “in the name of the LORD” and His justice?

How many more?

****************************

The rules in the UPCI Manual are clear- if one has been sexually immoral, they are not qualified to hold license, nor to minister in a United Pentecostal Church. It appears that at the time of these alleged crimes, this Youth Pastor held license and was able to retain it after leaving this church. Meanwhile, the victims received no justice and were made to suffer in silence. Their lives would be forever changed, while the pastor of this church gave the pedophile his freedom, and with that freedom enabled him to potentially harm others.

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Confusion About United Pentecostal Churches?

The following is a guest post from one of our readers who wishes to remain anonymous, with a some comments added by me. It is a response to a public Facebook post (he has removed the post) by a young man named Westley Ellis, who is the son of Jeremy Ellis (He removed that profile and is now found here), a United Pentecostal Church pastor in Saint Joe, Arkansas. (See the church.)

Westley’s writing will appear in black, with the rebuttal comments in red. My comments will be in green.

****************

This rebuttal is based on the firsthand experience of a former UPC member (22 years) who served in multiple leadership capacities, paid my tithes faithfully, adhered to all standards, and was viewed as a model “saint” by nearly everyone who knows me. During my 22 years in the UPC, I attended four churches (leaving each one after severe pastoral abuse), and visited many others, where I met many, many people who also suffered abuse at the hands of UPC leadership. This represents the reality experienced by those who chose to leave the UPC. (Rebuttal comments marked by a dash (-).

——

There seems to be some confusion about Pentecostal churches, so I figured I should clarify.

People tend to get us mixed up with other churches that are “Pentecostal” only by name. [Note: Many Oneness Pentecostals believe they are the only ones who are saved. Some even go to the extent of claiming that other Pentecostals who speak in tongues don’t really have the Holy Spirit as they believe in the Trinity and haven’t been water baptized only in the name of Jesus. Many OPs believe they are the ‘originals’ going back to the day of Pentecost. Their teachings view the vast majority of Christians as not saved.] Many times friends of mine have invited friends over to church, and they would tell them no because they instantly think of these churches. A lot of these churches spread hatred and negativity and do not exemplify Jesus in any way. [Through the years there have been many Oneness Pentecostal ministers and churches that have spread hatred and negativity.]

—-

So without further ado, allow me to throw some rumors that go around about real Pentecostal churches out the window:

1. We don’t handle snakes.
– But they do speak in tongues, run, jump, scream, dance, shake, fall down, and wail.

[There are Oneness Pentecostal churches that handle snakes. Allow me to remind people of ‘Snake Salvation‘ from National Geographic, the TV show which featured a couple of these. Jamie Coots, one of the featured pastors, died after being bitten. At least one book has been written about Oneness Pentecostal snake handling churches.]

2. We don’t kick people out because they don’t dress like us. That’s prejudice, and it’s a sin.
– But most positions on the platform (singing, preaching, etc.) or in church leadership are off-limits to people who don’t adhere to the dress standards.

3. We don’t stop women from engaging in ministry. In fact, there’s been tons of encouragement toward women in the Pentecostal community in recent years.
– But women are commanded to be in submission to men and are not allowed to “usurp” authority.

[In their beginnings, the United Pentecostal Church had a higher percentage of women ministers than they appear to have now. They exclude women from many positions. Women cannot be a District Superintendent, a District Secretary-Treasurer, a District Presbyter or a District Global Missions Director. The chances of a woman ever becoming the General Superintendent are quite slim. Some may be interested in reading Janet Trout’s 2014 dissertation, “A Study of Attitudes toward Women Serving in Any Office if Elected by the Ministerial Constituency of the United Pentecostal Church International” or Cindy Miller’s 2015 dissertation, “What Are United Pentecostal Church International Women Pastors Experiencing: A Qualitative Inquiry.”]

4. We aren’t a cult. We don’t force you to do anything. If you don’t want to pray, that’s fine. If you don’t want to be prayed for, that’s fine.
– But if you go to their churches, you may be strongly pressured to go to the altar. People will likely put their hands on you, scream in your ear, and pressure you to speak in tongues. They don’t believe you can be saved without speaking in tongues, and their #1 goal is to get you to do it.

5. We don’t handle snakes. (did I already say that?)
– See above.

6. We don’t spread rumors or hate about people that decide to leave the church. That is gossip, and that is a sin.
– This is completely, 100% false. Chester Wright, a revered bishop in the UPC, compares those who leave the church to a “bowel movement” in a videotaped sermon. This sentiment is repeated by many UPC pastors and leaders. UPC pastors often launch full-fledged character assassinations against those who leave, calling them bitter, rebellious, mentally unstable, and backslidden. Current members are encouraged to distance themselves from those who left. In addition, when you leave, your former pastor and your new pastor will have a meeting about you before you’re “permitted” to transition to the new church. The purpose of this meeting is for the former pastor to warn the new pastor about the level of threat you pose to the new church. This is standard practice.

7. We don’t baptize babies. You have to be old enough to comprehend the meaning of baptism, and decide in your own free will if you want to be baptized.
– But they will baptize a 3-year-old if the 3-year-old has spoken in tongues.

[I personally witnessed a four-year-old get baptized after supposedly speaking in tongues. Some will also baptize a child without the permission of the parents. This happened to the child of a friend of mine, who was not a member of the UPCI church.]

8. We don’t look you in the eye and call you a sinner. In fact, it’s common sense to NOT name names, or point fingers when preaching because that’s just plain rude.
– Also 100% false. Sure, the polite UPC members may not say it directly to your face, but preachers will remind you of your sinful state repeatedly from the pulpit in their sermons. Make no mistake: if you are not UPC and adhering to all standards, you ARE a sinner in their opinion.

[My former UPCI pastor did indeed name names during sermons.]

9. You don’t have to practice speaking in tongues before you get baptized… Speaking in tongues is something that just happens, you can’t really learn it.
– But they will encourage you to mimic others who are speaking in tongues, say “hallelujah” or “Jesus” over and over until you’re tongue-tied, and they may touch or jiggle your chin to try to “help” you.

10. This isn’t based off emotion. This one is up to you to decide. I can tell you it’s not, and you don’t have to believe me. But I guarantee you once you’ve been in a Pentecostal service and felt the love of Jesus sweep over you, it’s a feeling like no other. While there most definitely is emotion involved, there’s a whole lot more to it. A whole lot more…
– The emotional highs experienced in UPC services can be experienced in secular ball games and concerts, or even concerts by non-UPC Christian artists, who the UPC believes are unsaved.

—-

Alright, now I’m going to tell you some things that we do and stand for so that you have a reference:

1. We love everybody. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, gay or straight, drug addict or clean, drunk or sober. We will welcome you into church with open arms. God loves everyone, and wants everyone to be set free.
– Yes, you will be welcomed into the church with open arms (and love bombing). But if you’re gay, the UPC does not believe you can remain gay and be saved. They claim to accept you as you are, but what they don’t tell you is that they will expect you to drastically change in order to earn their version of salvation. If you’re a woman, you will have to stop cutting your hair, stop coloring your hair (Westley removed this post), stop wearing makeup, stop wearing jewelry, stop wearing nail polish, stop wearing pants or shorts (dresses and skirts only), and stop wearing sleeveless or low-cut tops. If you’re a man, you will have to stop wearing shorts and shave your beard. Both sexes will have to stop drinking, smoking, going to movies, and a long list of other activities. [For some of these, see this.]

[To see how some Oneness Pentecostals are toward homosexuals, see this article. As to racism, the UPCI used to have a separate section in their yearly Directories where they listed ‘colored’ ministers. Even in recent years, they have had problems with racism among their ministers and churches. See this article.]

2. Salvation is for EVERYONE! Nobody is predestined to hell, I don’t care what some people tell you. Everyone has to opportunity to be saved, and we believe the Acts 2:38 message is the way to get it.
– But only if you obey the Acts 2:38 message will you go to heaven (according to the UPC). No one else will go.

[The United Pentecostal Church believes that unless one repents, is water baptized by immersion in the name of Jesus, and speaks in tongues, which they claim is the ‘initial evidence’ of receiving God’s Spirit, you are not and will not be saved. You are also to reject the Trinity belief and believe in the Oneness of God. Read what Westley himself says about people who leave. (He has removed this post.)]

3. Come as you are. You don’t have to dress like a Pentecostal to come to a Pentecostal church. We won’t look down on you at all. You can come wearing whatever you’re comfortable in.
– Yes, you can come as you are, but you will be pressured not to stay that way. See #1.

4. You get to choose. We aren’t going to force our beliefs on you, or shove anything down your throat. You get to make the decision on your own. Free will is one of God’s most beautiful creations.
– But you will be told repeatedly that there is no other way to salvation besides the UPC plan of salvation.

5. We’re always praying for you. Whether you’ve left the church, or are curious about it, we’re always praying for you. We want you to experience the joy of Christ. We want you experience the Holy Ghost. It’s a liberating and beautiful experience.
– If you leave, they will never, ever accept that you’ve found salvation or peace any other way. They will continue to pressure you to return, and when dramatic events happen in the news, they will send you tearful messages about how they’re concerned for your soul because the return of Jesus is imminent. If you don’t respond to their pressure, after some time passes, you won’t hear from them at all, except for the occasional “I have a burden for you” fear mongering. Lasting, true friendship with most people in the UPC is contingent upon you remaining in the UPC.

I hope this cleared up some confusion about Pentecostal churches. If you’re curious about this Pentecost thing, and want to know more, I highly recommend checking out a Pentecostal church service. It’s completely up to you, but I guarantee you won’t regret it!

If you don’t know where to find a real Pentecostal church, I highly recommend you use this tool here: upci . org/resources/locate-a-church
(the spaces are there because people were having trouble sharing)

All you have to do is type in your city, and it will locate a church nearby!

Remember, Jesus loves you. Have a blessed day/night/whenever you’re reading this. God bless!

[Some current United Pentecostal Church members might want to venture outside of their approved books and literature and seek out material that shows aspects of their history they often leave out or don’t openly share, as well as what thousands of former members have shared about their experiences. It’s not the bed of roses that some would have you believe. Here’s just a handful who have shared how they have been harmed. There’s also our series on sexual abuse and the United Pentecostal Church.]

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Guest Blog: What Does Being A Woman Mean?

The following is a guest blog from Anna Burnett, and is used with her permission. She shared it in light of spiritual abuse on International Women’s Day, which was March 8.

What does being a woman mean?
For years I was told that it meant to be silent and submissive.
I was told that it was womanly to not ask questions and to obey men without any doubt.
My personality at its core was squashed.
I was told that in order to be in ministry that I couldn’t be so strong willed and passionate. ‘Ministry’ for women meant being a ‘pastor’s wife.’ I could never truly obtain a ministry position in the church because I was to be under men’s ‘God given authority.’
My ADHD self had been bold and intense my whole life. I felt every emotion strongly. I wanted to stand up for others. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to do more than simply live the ordinary life.
But I was always shut down.
It wasn’t God’s will for me to be this way…
I needed to be quiet and not be so controversial.
Stop wearing leggings and working out in front of boys.
Stop asking questions.
Stop being so loud.
Stop being so happy.
Stop being so transparent.
Stop being so strong willed.
Stop being…you.
Step into our cookie cutter and you can be a godly woman. You can be quiet and submissive. You can be ‘pastor’s wife material.’
I didn’t fit. I didn’t want to fit. I was miserable.
Who was I?! I knew I certainly wasn’t this cookie cut ‘godly woman’ they wanted me to be.
Jesus, who am I? Why did you give me my personality if it is meant to be squelched? Why am I meant to hide myself behind long skirts and wonder every moment if my shoulders were showing too much?
He took me and showed me…
I made you.
I made you curious… because you were never meant to be stuck in someone else’s cookie cutter. You were meant to ask questions and to form opinions.
I made you loud… so that you can stand up for others and for what is right.
I made you happy… so that you can help those that weep.
I made you transparent… so that others will know they aren’t alone in their struggles.
I made you strong willed… so that you will stand firm in what is right.
I was always exactly who I was supposed to be. The body of Christ cannot all be the same. “The body we’re talking about is Christ’s body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn’t amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t.” Romans 12:4-6.
Thank you, Jesus, for showing me.

Happy International Women’s Day. Be bold and strong. This was hard to post, but it felt right today. I am becoming more bold in speaking out about things that have happened in my life and if it can help one person, it is worth it. The effects of spiritual abuse are very real and there shouldn’t be shame in talking about it.❤️

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

When Legacy And Sexual Abuse Collide in the United Pentecostal Church

Teach your church that any form of abuse is NEVER acceptable to God no matter who does it or how important the abuser is. – Diane Langberg, PhD on Twitter, March 7, 2020

I have been writing about sexual abuse in the United Pentecostal Church for awhile now and I am overwhelmed at the number of cases. There is an incredible number of women, men and children who have been sexually abused and I don’t know that I will ever be able to cover all of the stories- it is a daunting task and one which I’ve found to be quite draining. There are cases which hit the news, as well as an innumerable number that never did because they were not reported to police and therefore never prosecuted. There’s still more to write regarding all the unreported cases of child sexual abuse at Calvary Gospel Church in Madison, Wisconsin. There’s still more to write regarding reported and unreported cases of child sexual abuse at Landmark Tabernacle in Denver, Colorado. Both of these churches allegedly have cases spanning many years and both involve pastors that some would consider to be legacy names.

Back in August 2019 I wrote, “The United Pentecostal Church makes it quite clear in their yearly Manuals that if a person is guilty of committing immoral conduct regarding sexual matters, that they are not eligible to be licensed. If such happens while they hold license with them, their license is to be revoked and never reinstated. In addition, such people are not supposed to be ministering in any of their churches, whether or not they hold license. Yet despite what appears to be very clear directives, one discovers that for years there have been men holding license who have been immoral, as well as people preaching in their churches who have been immoral.”

(Some statements in this article are what have been alleged by others. The allegations all appear to be involving adults and not children. There have been no convictions or criminal arrests as the situations mentioned here appear to not have been reported to the police, or not reported while the statute of limitations was open, and to my knowledge, the alleged perpetrator has not admitted guilt. I have withheld sharing the man’s name at this point, until at least one victim comes forward publicly and names him. This is Part 33 of an ongoing series.)

And now since 2019, there have been murmurings as well as cryptic messages left on Facebook (see some of these below) that show there has been serious trouble brewing in the Western District of the United Pentecostal Church. Apparently, one of their licensed ministers, who is a pastor that married into a family whose name is a legacy in the organization, has been accused of multiple instances of sexually related charges. From the messages circulating on Facebook, people are tired of not seeing justice- they know that the UPCI is well aware of the charges and yet this man is permitted to retain his license and still delivers sermons. There are allegations of cover-ups by legacy family members, lying, deception and more.

When your husband had been proven guilty of sexual assault and sexual harassment, and has been unfaithful to you numerous times, has been forced to resign from his church by his organization for conduct unbecoming a minister and sexual misconduct, and you insist on staying at the church in a position of perceived authority so that you can continue to lie, cover-up and deceive the congregation, because you are desperate to protect your family name, the truth about your husbands resignation, and your paycheck.- February 12, 2020 Amber’s public Facebook post

When it comes to scandal in the church, which sadly does happen, it’s amazing the extent folks will do to cover things up. The real victims are maligned, God and His name is misused to claim spiritual authority. People that know better will change alliances to protect the guilty and the guilty will make themselves the victim. Watching it happen in real time is a learning experience. Legacies will crumble when it becomes about man/woman than it does God and people. – March 2, 2020 Randy’s public Facebook post

Yes sir and the sad part of all of it is that the people that are covering KNOW they hurting people. The ones who cry submission to authority are the very ones refusing to submit to THIER authority. Amazing that sometime district boards give deadlines for people to correct the lies, but even the district boards are defied. And the amazing thing is that instead of people gossiping and assuming pick up the phone and call the Western District board. How hard is that? Are they scared of truth? Aren’t you glad there a God that knows all and is the ultimate record keeper? – March 2, 2020 Daniel’s public Facebook comment in reply to Randy

There are some in the office because of their family name, they should not be in the position they are in. They misuse the authority they have been given and make the kingdom lose its appeal and taste. Though God will defend himself, it still angers me when there is such blatant lies and scandal. The scars and hurt that will be left will be there for years. I have seen many times churches having to shut down so that a renewal and time of healing can take place. – March 2, 2020 Robert’s public Facebook comment in reply to Randy

It is alleged that this minister from California was told to resign from the church (he is listed as pastor of more than one) by the Western District officials, who, after a trial in 2019, found him guilty of several sexually related charges. Yet as of the 2020 UPCI Directory, which was printed in January, as well as the UPCI online church locator in March, he is shown as a licensed ordained minister with his name listed as the pastor, though he is no longer mentioned as a District Presbyter, a position which was held for years.

If the information is accurate, I find this to be totally unacceptable due to the clearly stated rules in the UPCI Manual regarding ministers and sexual immorality. Let’s take a look at what it states. Under Article VII, Section 9 it says, “For the purpose of ministerial membership in the United Pentecostal Church International or for ministering in a United Pentecostal Church International church, immoral conduct shall be defined as adultery, fornication, homosexuality, incest, and/or any other sexual acts determined by the District Board to be perverted or immoral (Matthew 5:32; Matthew 19:9; I Corinthians 6:9; Romans 1:24-28). 2. Any minister affiliated with our organization proven guilty of adultery or fornication, or committing any other immoral offense, shall forfeit his or her papers immediately. Immoral offense shall include sexual molestation of minors.”

It appears that one of the greatest temptations facing the ministry is sex. How does sexual purity relate to God’s requirements? Sexual immorality is clearly excluded by the requirements of ‘blameless, good report, good behaviour, just, holy, and husband of one wife.’ Again, a sexual sin is an obvious disqualification in light of all the Scriptures. – David Bernard, January-March 1988 Forward (an exclusive magazine for UPCI licensed ministers)

Unfortunately, this isn’t the only case in the UPCI where a minister has retained, or later received, license after immoral conduct. Is this man permitted to retain his license because he married into a well-known ‘name’ in the organization? Should ministers be treated with kid gloves because of their pedigree or how much money the church may contribute? Rather, shouldn’t those with a legacy be expected to be held to a high standard, considering how organizations tend to place these people on a pedestal and parade them around as examples to be followed? What does this legacy even mean when people discover abuses or cover-ups? Would it not be best to openly and properly handle any legacy case, considering that much more harm is caused to any legacy by not doing so, because at some point the truth will be discovered and made known? And what does this say to other former ministers whose licenses were properly revoked due to immorality?

Just as the church has authority to examine and approve ministerial candidates, so it has authority to remove someone from a ministerial position if he no longer meets God’s requirements. Actually the person disqualifies himself by his actions, and the church simply recognizes this fact. – David Bernard, January-March 1988 Forward

It wasn’t too difficult to determine the name of this pastor and it appears there are many within the United Pentecostal Church who know, including licensed ministers and their spouses, some of whom have spoken up about what is happening. There is no way in which this news didn’t go all the way up the chain of command in the organization. General Superintendent David Bernard, it appears that you may need to intervene and do what is right and in accordance with your Manual, and strip this individual of their license, not allowing the legacy family he married into sway you in your decision. People ARE watching.

August 6, 2020 Note: Now that it has been publicly posted by one of the alleged victims, I can share that this article is about John Shivers, who is married to one of the daughters of the late Kenneth Haney. See Part 2 & Part 3.

August 24, 2022 edit: Today the Stockton Record released an article about John Shivers. You must have a digital subscription to read it. See https://www.recordnet.com/story/news/2022/08/24/pastor-john-shivers-accused-sexual-assault-preaching-stockton-centro-vida-pentecostal-church/5695797001/

You will find a complete list of articles in this series by clicking here.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Grieving A Loss

Last month my oldest sister passed away after a battle with cancer. I was reminded of a letter I’d written to two ladies in 1990, who at the time had recently lost their mother. It was just four years after my mother had died after a battle with cancer.

I am going to share an edited version of the letter I wrote, hoping that it might help someone else who has lost their mother or another loved one. While this doesn’t pertain to spiritual abuse, nor is it the same, there are some similarities in what many of us went through when we left our former churches. There is grief that one wrestles with, people around you who don’t understand what you are going through, a sense of loss and encountering the ‘what if’ thoughts. May these words help others who are grieving a loss.

************************

I wanted to share some things with you that may help you in the future. Because I lost my mom four years ago when I was 28, going on 29, I can very much feel for all of you and what you have been going through.

My purpose is to share some things that I have gone through that may be of help or maybe it will just be helpful to know that some feelings, etc. that you have are ‘normal,’ though others may not think so or understand. I don’t care what anyone says, until you have lost your own mother, nobody knows what it is like, nor what a person goes through. Since it has happened to me, I hope to be able to help you through this difficult time, be it in even a very small way.

One thing you find is that world does not come to a halt because of your grief and loss. Everything goes on as normal, as if nothing happened when you feel it should be different. Some people appear insensitive. If they do, it could be that they are that way, but it could also be that they do not know how to be with you… whether it is okay to talk or not, they may be afraid they’ll upset you. So instead of reaching out much or at least doing something, they do nothing. That does not mean all those that react that way are cold and insensitive. You’ll have times that you want to pour your heart out to someone, then there will be times you don’t want to talk about it. It’s normal.

You may well have ‘flashbacks’… times you’ll remember of your mom being ill or concerning her death. This is also normal. You may have them for some time to come. After four years, I still go through this at times, though it’s less now. There are times when I’ll reminisce and have a hard time emotionally, especially the times when I start missing my mom….certain times you’d always share, etc. My mom was always a good person to talk to about things and sort things through. Many times I’ve wished she were here to talk to or to share with. This is normal, expect it. You’re not going crazy! To never think about these things would be abnormal. I used to dream a lot of my mom, yet she’d always be sick and/or dying in the dreams. I never liked that. But my mom was sick for over two years before she died and I guess that’s all my mind could remember, so that’s what I would dream about. Now the dreams are much less frequent.

Birthdays and holidays…you’re probably going to find that these will be hard and you may react as I did and just want to treat them as ‘normal’ days and not make a fuss over them. In fact, any occasion that you’d normally spend with your mother will be difficult. It’s just not the same without her. My birthday came the day after we buried my mom. That was awful. The family had partly forgotten about it and I sure didn’t feel like celebrating. I tried to act like it was fine, but it wasn’t. I’ve never wanted to make a big deal of my birthday ever since, though a couple years ago I did have a nice birthday when my dad came up and brought me a cake and took me out to dinner. It was totally unexpected. But I’d still pretty much rather treat my birthday as a regular day. That may be wrong on my part after four years, but that is how I feel. It’s just hard. I always remember that mom died and was buried right before my birthday and I can’t get away from that.

And holidays, etc. are a tough time, so know that this is also normal as well. With us, the only ones we ever made a big deal of were Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas was always my favorite time of year and I guess it still is but to a lesser extent. I found myself not wanting to really celebrate as before. I would’ve been happy if I could’ve gotten by acting like they were regular days, with nothing special going on. In my house, mom made Christmas more like Christmas. So without her it just was no longer the same. I’ve lost a lot of my enthusiasm for holidays we celebrated.

My dad always comes down and we’d go over to my middle sister’s home for dinner. She would usually have others over, who I really didn’t know well, and it was no more a family affair. I’d go, but usually wouldn’t stay long. Finally last Christmas I didn’t go at all. I don’t especially enjoy it. Now that has been my reaction. My middle sister tried to go away over both Thanksgiving and Christmas and I feel she was trying to run away from the holidays, though I never talked to her about it. She did stay for Christmas, though. My other sister lives in Missouri. Everyone reacts differently. You will, no doubt, each react a little differently on these days or around them. I guess it’s because you know it’s different and one you loved so much is no longer there with you to celebrate. There’s a void that can never be filled by something else.

Speaking of differences…all of us girls reacted differently to mom’s illness and death. The oldest cried a lot and showed her emotions more openly. Her & I were with mom the most. She’d come out from Missouri to help be with her for periods of time. I got several leaves of absences from work to be with mom during different critical periods. My middle sister, a year younger than the other, reacted totally different and showed anger. The people she worked with were ready to quit, her daughter was ready to leave home, and my oldest sister was ready to clobber her for how she was treating her. Then I would cry at home in my bedroom by myself as I didn’t like crying in front of people and showing my emotions. I prayed a lot.

You are under enormous stress whether you realize it or not and it’s going to show in one way or another. Mine showed in some abdominal discomfort. So if any of you found yourselves questioning why the other was reacting differently, know that it’s just that way. We all have breaking points. We can all only take so much stress. Let each other react however is ‘normal’ for them and try to give each other space with this. Because the other does not react, or appear to react, as you do, does not mean they’re taking it any less harder than you. Give yourselves time and be patient with one another. We all don’t express ourselves the same way.

You may find yourself treasuring some one thing that your mom liked or had. One of our friends had given my mom a little clip-on Garfield when she was operated on in 1984. Since then she had moved away and when mom was sick in the hospital again, I brought that to her. That has always been special to me as I knew the love behind it from the giver, and that it was with mom at the end. I also very much recall my last birthday and Christmas gifts from her, or at least part of them. One is a stuffed dog I got for my birthday along with some money and the other is a little stuffed bear that I’d seen in the store and liked, which mom got me for Christmas as part of my gift two years before she passed away. The last Christmas she just gave money. Those things are meaningful to me and are special memories. You may find the same holds true with you.

You may also find yourself touching things your mom had. It’s like you feel you still have some contact with her that way. I recall being over at your house when you were going through the jewelry to pick out some items for the viewing. I noticed one of you holding a piece of jewelry and looking at it and touching it. I felt then that I knew what you were feeling. Nobody else probably picked it up. Then suddenly you realized that someone was waiting for you to put it back in its case. There’s just something about touching or smelling something that they touched, wore, etc. In a way in your mind it brings them back for a moment, as if you still had contact with them.

It may be difficult for you to be around any other funerals or viewings. With me it wasn’t so bad till I went to your mom’s and that was probably due to the fact that I’m close to your sister and we’d previously shared some things concerning our mothers. That brought back many memories and I felt so for all of you as I knew exactly what you were going through and would go through. It was all I could do at times to hold the tears back. I could see your pain and sorrow and wanted to do something, yet also knowing at the same time that there was absolutely nothing I could do to remove the sorrow or take away the grief and pain.

It’s over…don’t put yourself down if you feel a relief that it’s over. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love your mother! But it is so very hard and such a helpless feeling to watch for months and months someone suffer and decline in health and there isn’t a thing you can do to stop it. Nobody knows what it’s like if it hasn’t happened to them. It is horrible. Never knowing how they’ll be, if they’ll live or die. It isn’t wrong to be relieved that it is over and you don’t have to watch it anymore. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy! It’s such a terribly emotional time, so many ups and downs, nerves on edge. Feeling you can’t take anymore or are losing it. Those feelings are normal.

If I’d only….don’t beat yourself with these thoughts. You cannot go back and change anything. It doesn’t help you or the situation to dwell on these things. You’ll just drive yourself crazy with entertaining thoughts like these. Don’t do that to yourself….push any thoughts like that out of your mind as soon as you realize what’s happening. If you could change the past then it’d be okay, but since we cannot, we have to go on and not beat ourselves over what maybe we could have done or not done.

You may find that suddenly, without any warning, you’ll start to think about things and get upset all over again. It’s normal. Sometimes you know why it happens, other times it seems like for no reason your mind starts going back over things. You are not losing it or cracking up. If you find yourself extra emotional for awhile, it’s okay. If things upset you that didn’t before, it is okay. You may forget things, feel you can’t cope with the normal pressures you handled before, etc….it is a normal reaction. Don’t be afraid that you are losing your mind as you’re not….not that it might not feel that way to you at the time! It is a normal reaction. You need to realize that you are still under much emotional stress today. This isn’t something that goes away overnight and you’re healed and back to normal. It will take time to adjust, things will be better down the road and easier. Even if it doesn’t feel that way now. Give yourself time…don’t set a time limit for yourself that you should be over things by any certain time. There will always be a void in your life now, but it won’t always feel this big or empty.

I hope in some small way that something I’ve said will help, even just the thought of knowing that someone else understands and knows what you’re going through. Everyone doesn’t as I’m sure you’ve found. There’s some that won’t ever mention the subject to you as they are unsure how you’ll react, and then there’s the other extreme where ignorant people expect you to be back to normal shortly thereafter.

Be patient with one another and with yourself. The short time I was with you, I noticed all of you react in some different ways. I saw my father change through what happened with mom. I saw him break down. My parents did not have the best marriage. But I saw my father break and he has changed through it. My dad moved away only seven months after mom passed away, and probably would’ve sooner if his mother was not also dying at the same time. (She passed away several months after mom did.) I know he still feels the loss.

There’s probably many more things I could share with you. Just know I do care and feel for each of you.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.