Author: Faith After Deception | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

“Choose Freedom, Choose Happiness” – Introduction

For most of us, coming out of a cult or religious “high control” group can be a frightening and traumatic ideal. We can feel overwhelmed with questions and doubt, and it’s not uncommon to experience intense mistrust of others and fear. We have chosen freedom over mental enslavement, but it comes at a high cost. However, it is the only road to true happiness.

After finally leaving, it can be tempting to “hibernate.” We may attempt to turn the page, “move on” and create a new life for ourselves. This is important, but if we’re going to achieve this, it’s necessary to become truly free from all the negative and harmful thought patterns that were instilled in us. Otherwise, we could end up falling into despair and deep loneliness, which could lead us return to the Group or become prey to destructive behaviours such as alcoholism, other addictions, mental illness and even suicide.

It is possible to become free, in Christ, who tells us: “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36). Why is it then that so many of us who follow Him don’t feel free? There seem to be so many sermons and messages preached from the pulpit about how we should be feeling, that it can be very hard to admit that it’s not what we experience on a day to day basis.

Jesus also tells us: “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31). Very sadly, many church leaders and organized religions who claim to “abide in” our Saviour and to teach “the truth” are in fact “ravenous wolves” (Matt 7:15).

Are we free to question them? Could we have an open debate with them, in public or in private, to discuss what they do, teach and how they behave? Surely, there must be some Groups whose leaders are open, transparent and humble enough to be willing to do this, but the majority put themselves up on a pedestal above public scrutiny.

This is the root of our lack of freedom, in my opinion. If we’re part of a High Control Group whose leaders seek to govern every aspect of our lives, how can we be free? And even when we manage to escape their grasp and get out, they’ve already infiltrated our minds, so they can carry on influencing our behaviour every day of our lives… Until we put a stop to it!!!

That is the aim of this book, in a nutshell. To identify the ways and areas in which the Group poisoned our minds, so we can gradually start to think for ourselves, and free ourselves from their toxic influence.

Introduction
Chapter 1: The Question of Control
Chapter 2: My Story
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-3-freedom-from-rage-and-regret/ Chapter 3: Freedom from Rage and Regret
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-4-freedom-from-loneliness/ Chapter 4: Freedom from Loneliness
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-6-freedom-from-abuse/ Chapter 5: Freedom from Legalism
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-6-freedom-from-abuse/ Chapter 6: Freedom from Abuse
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-7-freedom-from-self-censorship/ Chapter 7: Freedom from self-censorship
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-8-freedom-from-numbness-and-despair/ Chapter 8: Freedom from numbness and despair
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-9-freedom-from-the-judgmental-mindset/ Chapter 9: Freedom from the judgmental mindset
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-10-freedom-from-shame/ Chapter 10: Freedom from shame
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-11-freedom-from-transactional-and-coercive-relationships/ Chapter 11: Freedom from transactional and coercive relationships
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-12-freedom-from-the-pressure-to-conform/ Chapter 12: Freedom from the pressure to conform
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2018/07/29/chapter-13-freedom-from-enslavement-to-wealth/ Chapter 13: Freedom from enslavement to wealth

Index:

https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2017/11/14/helping-cult-members-wake-up-from-their-indoctrination/ How to help indoctrinated cult victims to break free
https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/2016/08/30/why-do-people-return-to-a-sect-after-breaking-free/ Why do people sometimes return to a cult?

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Finding community after leaving a cult or toxic religious environment

After years or even decades of languishing in a highly controlling religious group, ex-cult survivors are finally able to express themselves freely and investigate whatever they choose.

This can also mean that they can be fairly fiery. They say what’s on their mind and don’t hold back. If they see that something is wrong, unjust, unfair or unethical, they want to speak out.

I include myself in this group. Sometimes, it does also mean that we can be unintentionally hurtful or even rude. After repressing our true thoughts and feelings for such a long time, they occasionally all come tumbling out uncontrollably… We don’t intend to be rude trolls, and most of us aren’t, but at times the anger, resentment and hurt that has built up inside us spill out when we are triggered, and we say things we shouldn’t.

When my husband and I came out of the Watchtower, we remained extremely critical of the Institutional Church. However, our faith in Jesus grew exponentially. If you leave a cult and then read the Gospel of John, you will see that Jesus was also AGAINST the institutionalized injustices of the religion of his day. He spoke out bravely against the cruel and hypocritical Pharisees, and as a result, he was silenced, tortured and hung up to die. He could have done his good deeds quietly or not chosen to heal people on the Sabbath; he could have been a people pleaser, afraid of their reaction and their power. But He was not!!!

Sometimes, we want to be brave and outspoken like Jesus, but we lack the wisdom or compassion that He had. We don’t always know exactly what to say, or who to say it to. And people can see us as a threat.

Coming out of any spiritually abusive environment is bound to affect our identity. We are not tied to our past, but to a certain extent, it does shape our outlook on the world. I am also convinced that experiencing such suffering, rejection and loss has widened our hearts, and made us more compassionate people. We cannot sit in judgment on others like the Pharisees and cult leaders, because we know how much that hurts, and we could never shun another human being.

It has also made us hyper-vigilant when it comes to identifying hypocrisy and manipulative behaviours in others. We avoid those people like the plague, and make no attempt to influence or “change” them, as we know it is fruitless. We can love them from a distance, and keep out of the line of fire.

Although my husband and I do attend a church now, we are still hungry for real, honest and sincere fellowship. At this point in time in my life, I am profoundly grateful for the precious friendships I’ve made online. People could say that an online contact isn’t a “real” friend, but I have experienced the exact opposite. At the click of a button, I can communicate with others, either in voice or video calls, via chat or in a group setting, and speak with other human beings who know what I’m going through. I thank God for this precious gift of modern technology, which despite all its downsides, has made it much easier to come out of a cult and find true friendship. If you haven’t done so already, I invite you to join our online community: Faith after Deception Fellowship. [Group is no longer in operation and was not affiliated with spiritualabuse.org.]

If you’ve never been in a cult and haven’t experienced spiritual abuse, be prepared for the fire when you meet those who have. The fire is bright, it is hot, it can burn, but it can also kindle some of the most sincere and genuine friendships you will ever have. Don’t be afraid of us… we don’t bite!!!

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When it’s hard to pray

Sometimes, when I share my blog posts, I receive comments that I find heartbreaking, such as “I’ve tried praying, but I can’t feel God’s presence or sense He is answering… I don’t know what I’m doing wrong… I’ve given up.”

I know that these are sincere, open-hearted, genuine people, but very sadly, some of them have received judgment and even condemnation when they’ve dared to express themselves honestly about this issue. They fear they’ll be accused of not having enough faith, or of harbouring some secret, unconfessed sin or be told to fast more or “try harder.” Sometimes, other well-meaning souls will inform them that they shouldn’t try to “feel” God’s presence at all, but to content themselves with an intellectual knowledge of His existence.

However, none of these responses takes into consideration the context in which these individuals find themselves: each of them has suffered tremendous spiritual abuse at the hands of a toxic Cult or a religious High Control Group. Imagine if you’re speaking to someone who has been sexually abused; wouldn’t it be understandable if they then go on to struggle with intimacy?

In a similar way, many victims of spiritual abuse find it incredibly difficult to pray, because so many things that are related to prayer are now emotional and intellectual triggers, leading to confusion, soured memories and great pain…. Initially, we close our hearts in order to protect them, but sometimes we end up shutting them up altogether…

Many cults equate the group with God himself, as they presume to speak for him and dictate every detail of people’s lives. This means that even things like God’s name or the question of who to pray to can be very difficult for those who have left. People who have stayed in the group may accuse us of turning our backs on our Creator, and we want to assure them that this is NOT the case, but untangling who God really is can take time and isn’t easy.

I do not claim to have all the answers to these difficult questions; it’s taken me a long time to pen these words, as I have no solution to offer, no magic words or silver bullet.

However, what I can say is that after traumatic experiences and great disappointment, our spirituality often changes, maturing and becoming less dogmatic and closed minded. Our heart is stretched to breaking point, now able to stand in compassion alongside other victims of abuse.

In fact, none of us has the right to stand up like a Pharisee and tell other people how to pray or what they’re doing wrong. When someone shares with us that they’re having trouble praying, we don’t need to “fix” them; it’s better just to listen with grace and mercy, not “helpful tips,” advice or criticism.

If the opportunity seems right, other people may be encouraged to hear of our own spiritual journey towards Christ. It’s probable that we’ve all experienced times of dryness in prayer, when we’ve had to press on despite not feeling God’s presence or peace. As Jesus walked through the desert for 40 days, we also follow a similar path at certain points in our lives.

Having the courage to say “I find prayer hard” is an enormous step. We need to know the encouragement of other people on the same journey in order to stay sane. Christianity is a “team sport,” in that we were not designed to sit alone, struggling in silence.

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Freedom from Abuse

One of the most common ways in which people are psychologically traumatized whilst in a cult or religious high control group, is the extreme pressure to “forgive” people who have abused them. I use the word “forgive” in quotes, because the concept often goes way beyond the Biblical mandate. Anyone who has read the Bible knows that we are commanded to forgive those who hurt us, which can lead to freedom from bitterness, inner darkness and turmoil.

However, there can only be true reconciliation between two parties when the one who has hurt or offended the other person realizes what he/she has done and apologizes. Why is it that some people seem incapable of taking this step? In all probability, they are Narcissists; which means that they believe themselves to be the center of the universe. They have real trouble understanding how their behaviour impacts others. In fact, their consciences don’t function in the same way as other people; simply speaking – they lack empathy.

Imagine a situation in which a woman is married to an abusive husband. Or, a man is shackled to a woman who psychologically or even physically abuses him. They are both members of a religious congregation. Week after week, they hear sermons about forgiveness and self-sacrifice. The person who has a fully functioning conscience takes these concepts on board, and tries to implement them into their life. However, the Narcissist does nothing of the sort. Instead; he/she sees an opportunity to emotionally manipulate his/her spouse even further. After beating his wife black and blue once again, he comes back with flowers and a “repentant” attitude, demanding forgiveness. These abusers can quote Scripture like Satan did to Jesus in the desert, twisting it to their own benefit.

If the person who is the victim manages to share with a friend or the leader of his/her congregation about the abuse they are suffering, they are often bombarded with the same kind of rhetoric. Rather than being told: “You need to get out! How can I help you do that safely?” many victims are encouraged to stay, pray and remain in extremely harmful situations.

A concrete example of this kind of toxic advice is found in one of the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Watchtower magazines, from February 15, 2012:

“Consider the case of Selma. When she began to study the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses, her husband, Steve, was not pleased. He admits, “I became angry, jealous, possessive, and insecure.” Selma observes: “Even before I got the truth, living with Steve was like walking on eggshells. He was hot-tempered. When I started studying the Bible, this characteristic intensified.” What helped?

Selma recalls a lesson she learned from the Witness who studied with her. “On one particular day,” says Selma, “I didn’t want to have a Bible study. The night before, Steve had hit me as I had tried to prove a point, and I was feeling sad and sorry for myself. After I told the sister what had happened and how I felt, she asked me to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. As I did, I began to reason, ‘Steve never does any of these loving things for me.’ But the sister made me think differently by asking, ‘How many of those acts of love do you show toward your husband?’ My answer was, ‘None, for he is so difficult to live with.’ The sister softly said, ‘Selma, who is trying to be a Christian here? You or Steve?’ Realizing that I needed to adjust my thinking, I prayed to Jehovah to help me be more loving toward Steve. Slowly, things started to change.” After 17 years, Steve accepted the truth.”

Poor Selma had to endure 17 more years of excruciating abuse, before her husband became a fully indoctrinated cult member!!!

Once you start to get to know survivors of cults and spiritual abuse, you will notice that cases of domestic violence are extremely common. Spousal abuse, corporal punishment, child sexual abuse; it’s everywhere. Why is it allowed to carry on and proliferate? Because instead of being empowered to stand up to and break free from their abusers, victims are actively encouraged to remain in a state of passivity and servitude, at great danger to themselves, their children and others, such as elderly relatives.

Many vulnerable people in these groups are shielded from proper protection, due to these kinds of attitudes. They are not told that that they can forgive their abusers and protect themselves at the same time. Forgiving someone does not mean putting yourself in danger. It means letting go of hatred and bitterness and moving towards a brighter future.

https://faithafterdeception.wordpress.com/

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Answer these 25 questions to find out if you are in a cult or high control group

Answer these 25 questions to find out if you are in a cult or high control group:

1) Do your studies or training in the group seem to be endless?

2) Did you have to give up things that you liked doing in order to be accepted into the group? (e.g. music, places you used to go, clothes, family life, celebrations, etc.)

3) Have you been encouraged to cut off good friendships or close family ties with people from outside of the group?

4) If you’ve belonged to the group all your life, are there things that you would have liked to have done but you couldn’t, as they were incompatible with the rules of the group?

5) Does belonging to the group involve dressing in a certain way and using a particular terminology?

6) Have you noticed a double moral standard in the group, where individuals pretend to be an ideal person in order to be accepted?

7) Do you have to project or maintain an outward appearance of happiness within the group, although deep down you are sad or dissatisfied?

8) Do you have to make more and more of an effort to continue being an active member of the group or are you requested to give more and more money?

9) Is criticism within the group or listening to critics forbidden and punished harshly?

10) Can you reject any instruction or order from the group, although publicly it is phrased as a “suggestion”?

11) Can you question any teaching or doctrine of the group, although the criticism may be well founded and expressed respectfully?

12) Are those who reject or criticize the group or its leaders said to be rejecting God himself?

13) Are the leaders enormously relevant to the group members, and does their influence affect every aspect of the group members’ lives?

14) Are the leaders seen to be superior the rest of the members?

15) Do they claim to have divine authority or to have been appointed directly by God?

16) Do the leaders affirm that only they can communicate with God directly and receive his instructions for the group?

17) In the meetings of the group, are certain phrases or concepts reinforced periodically and topics repeated frequently?

18) Do expressions of love/brotherly affection within the group often seem fake, superficial or insincere?

19) Is it forbidden to date or marry someone who does not belong to the group?

20) As well as the communal meetings, is it obligatory to attend large conferences or other special events, and are members constantly kept very busy in activities related with the group?

21) Do you have the feeling that you’re never doing enough to reach the prize or recompense that the group promotes?

22) Out of loyalty to the group, are there things that you must not say or secrets that you must not reveal?

23) Are the members of the group the only ones who can please God?

24) In general, do the group members feel superior to those who don’t belong to it?

25) Does the group teach that they are the only ones who will be saved, and that God will destroy or punish all those who don’t belong to it?

If the majority of your answers to these questions are “yes” (except 10 and 11) you are definitely involved in a sect/cult.

Tell us more about your story, please share in the comments below, or if you’re not comfortable writing publicly, consider joining the Spiritual Abuse online support group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/813830865371192/. You are not alone.

Versión Original en Español:

Test para saber si estás en una secta

1) ¿Tus estudios o entrenamiento con el grupo parecen no tener fin?

2) ¿Has debido dejar cosas que te gustan a fin de ser aceptado en el grupo (música, sitios donde ibas, manera de vestir, vida familiar, celebraciones, etc.)?

3) ¿Has tenido que dejar buenas amistades para pertenecer al grupo?

4) En el caso de haber pertenecido toda tu vida al grupo ¿hay cosas que hubieras querido hacer pero que no puedes por ser incompatibles con las reglas del grupo?

5) ¿Pertenecer al grupo supone seguir una manera de vestir particular y usar un vocabulario diferente?

6) ¿Se observa una doble moral en el grupo, donde los individuos fingen ser una persona ideal para ser aceptados?

7) ¿Debes proyectar y fomentar una imagen de felicidad dentro del grupo aunque internamente estés triste o disconforme?

8) ¿Tienes que dar cada vez más dinero o hacer cada vez más esfuerzo para seguir siendo miembro activo del grupo?

9) ¿La crítica dentro del grupo o el hecho de escuchar a personas con opiniones contrarias está prohibida y se castiga desproporcionadamente?

10) ¿Se puede rechazar alguna directriz u ordenanza del grupo aunque públicamente se plantee como “sugerencia”?

11) ¿Se puede cuestionar alguna enseñanza o doctrina del grupo, aunque la crítica esté fundada y se plantee en términos respetuosos?

12) ¿Se pinta a los que rechazan/critican al grupo o a su(s) líder(es) como personas que en realidad rechazan a Dios?

13) ¿El líder(es) es (son) enormemente relevante(s) para los miembros del grupo, su influencia abarca cada aspecto de la vida de los miembros?

14) ¿El líder(es) forma(n) parte de una clase especial, o superior al común de los miembros?

15) ¿El líder(es) ostenta(n) una autoridad o nombramiento otorgado por Dios directamente?

16) ¿El líder(es) afirma(n) que sólo él(ellos) puede(n) comunicarse con Dios directamente y recibir Sus directrices para el grupo?

17) ¿En las reuniones del grupo se repiten frases o se refuerzan conceptos periódicamente, percibes que los temas se van repitiendo?

18) ¿Las expresiones de afecto/amor fraternal al interior del grupo son a menudo fingidas?

19) ¿Están prohibidas las relaciones de pareja con personas que no pertenezcan al grupo?

20) ¿Además de las reuniones comunes, debes asistir a eventos especiales y largas conferencias, se procura mantener a los miembros muy ocupados en las actividades del grupo?

21) ¿Hay una sensación de que nunca estás haciendo lo suficiente para alcanzar el premio o recompensa que el grupo promueve?

22) Por lealtad al grupo, ¿hay cosas que no debes decir o secretos que no puedes revelar?

23) ¿Sólo los miembros del grupo pueden agradar a Dios?

24) En general, ¿los miembros del grupo se sienten superiores al resto de las personas?

25) ¿Sólo los miembros del grupo se salvarán, Dios destruirá o castigará eternamente a todo aquél que no pertenezca al grupo?

Si la mayoría de tus respuestas son “Sí” (excepto 10 y 11), sin duda estás envuelto en una secta. Cuéntanos tu historia; no estás solo.

Contents:

Versión Original en Español:

Test para saber si estás en una secta