No more secrets: How I feel about National Coming Out Day

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on October 15, 2019. 

Eleanor

It’s just not worth it to live with secrets.

My social media feeds have been flooded with National Coming Out Day posts over the last week, and I realized while reading through them that it’s such a relief to able to tell people the truth, to not have to hide anything.

I keep thinking about October three years ago when I started telling people at my church that I dated women, that I was in a relationship with someone in college who broke my heart, that I’m attracted to someone’s soul more than their gender.

I took a big risk. Someone who hasn’t been in that kind of situation might not understand that risk.

I really didn’t know what my church people would do.

I had only moved back to my childhood home, back to the first church I could remember about a year before, and of course, I hoped they wouldn’t cast me out like the fundamentalist cult I’d been in as a teenager did, for so much less. But I had no guarantees.

You learn who loves you unconditionally when you start telling people who you really are and seeing what they do next.

A friend once told me that sin could be defined as “treating people like objects” — essentially not valuing other human beings. It resonated with me because it puts most of Christian theology and doctrine into one idea.

After I started telling people about who I had dated, Christian friends I’d known for years had told me I was no longer welcome in their homes to hang out with other friends, that they could no longer speak to me, as if being gay was contagious and they might catch it.

I already knew how some people in my family felt about LGBT people.

Growing up, I was told not to eat my cousin’s cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving because “he lives with his boyfriend and we don’t know how clean their house is.”

They didn’t exactly say it, but their words hinted at fears of catching AIDS from dirty kitchen utensils.

But still my secret kept burning on the inside.

I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t feel this way, even though it was costing me so much to be honest and open.

Reading this, you might think my church is affirming. They aren’t, but that’s okay and here’s why. They showed me that they accept me just as I am, even if they didn’t agree with my choices.

Two of my pastors gently guided me and went out of their way to show me that they didn’t see me any differently than before they knew. They told me they believe that we all have different issues and no one’s secrets are any worse than anyone else’s.

And this meant the world to me.

Through their love, I grew more confident. I learned to hold my own in the world. I stopped cycling through romantic relationships with people who were using me.

Because they valued me, I started to value myself.

I realized if sin was objectifying human beings and not recognizing their value, how I had been living was a sin, because I was letting people treat me as an object. I started believing I was worth more.

If I said I wasn’t gay anymore, that would be a lie. I am still attracted to women. Getting baptized again didn’t change that either — even if some of my relatives thought it did.

Now, I ended up choosing side B, the celibacy option, but that’s wasn’t really about “trying to not be gay” — it was about making healthier, wiser choices. You can read more about that part of my story over here.

And if I find someone one day that I want to marry, great. If not, that’s ok, too. I also don’t believe anymore that you have to find a partner to be complete.

Now I believe everyone is made whole as they are and they don’t need other people to make them whole, and if you’re not feeling that just yet, that’s ok, and you might not be quite done healing.

I’m not going to get into the semantics of whether or not people should say they’re gay or that they’re someone with same-sex attraction because I don’t think that’s ultimately helpful. (I’ve heard the “you shouldn’t be identifying with something that’s a sin” argument — I’m using the term to describe how I am, it’s just a label that helps explain how I feel.)

And I’m not here to argue about LGBT issues — whichever side you’re on doesn’t really matter to me for the purpose of what I’m saying.

I’m just asking you to treat other people as humans equally deserving of respect. And just listen to their stories. Let them tell you their secrets, and don’t recoil when it’s something you’re not expecting.

This is how they’ll feel safe around you. And this is how they will heal.

If you’re reading this and you’re still part of my story, thank you for sticking around through the rough patches and loving me so well.

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Narnia is evil. Because scripture. | What one Christian fundamentalist preacher said about C.S. Lewis

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 16, 2016. 

So last summer, I read this book that one of my friends let me borrow called Cameras in Narnia: How the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe Came to Life.

The author gives an inside perspective since he was on set for almost the entire filming process, and I enjoy reading about how movies are made.

I learned that work on the movie started in 2002, and the director used pre-visualization to plan shoots, especially scenes like battle sequences. The White Witch’s ice castle was constructed of Styrofoam, and the wardrobe was specifically carved for the set.

Andrew Adamson, the director, said that learning filmmaking in New Zealand is nearly impossible. They don’t really have degree plans for it. He left in 1991 to pursue filmmaking as a career, but most of the outdoor scenes in the world of Narnia were filmed in his homeland.

While I was reading, I remembered an article written by fundamentalist Christians that I read years ago, condemning the movie’s release.

The film came out in theaters in December 2005, but I didn’t see it until the next spring because my dad was not interested in fantasy and my mom was concerned that the adaptation wouldn’t be faithful to the book.

One of my dad’s older sisters called us and asked my mom if she’d heard of this new series called Narnia because she was worried about my siblings and I reading it. My mom told her that the books were in print back when she was a child, but a new movie had just released.

My aunt mailed us a Southwest Radio Bible Church article called “The Chronicles of Narnia: Christian Entertainment or Indoctrination in Evil?” The piece was published in the January 2006 issue of The Prophetic Observer. 

I also had friends in my fundamentalist church’s youth group around the same time who weren’t allowed to read Narnia.

It’s such a hilarious example of extreme Christian fundamentalism and awful logic that I’m going to break it down into sections and provide commentary. Here’s the full text if you want to read it all at once.

So first off, Dr. Larry Spargimino gives us an info dump on the film’s background.

I think he’s assuming that his audience will be automatically suspicious because Disney is producing the film. Then he starts using other phrases that would make them more concerned: “Many Lewis supporters claim that Aslan is a Christ figure, a deliverer, who sets the captives free.” 

I think we’re supposed to assume that androgynous = automatically evil because he assumes his audience believes in complementarianism and traditional gender roles. Spargimino doesn’t seem to understand that androgyny can be a biological thing.

However, he never actually explains what he’s getting at here. He just moves on and gives another info dump, this time from Lewis’ biography.

Yup, Dr. Larry just cited Wikipedia.

Apparently he doesn’t understand that’s not an acceptable source for your college papers. His other citations so far have all been conservative Christian news websites like World magazine or World Net Daily and then Focus on the Family’s Radio Theater website. WorldNetDaily is known for misinformation and propaganda, according to the Ad Fontes Media Bias ratings.

I’m pretty sure this means Dr. Larry’s only research for this article was a Google search.

I’m guessing that we’re supposed to think Lewis wouldn’t have been friends with Tolkien if he had been a Real Christian™. Dr. Larry doesn’t seem to think Lewis was actually a Christian because he says “he claims to have been converted by the evidence for Christianity.”

Then Dr. Larry says that Lewis wrote a book about demons. We aren’t told why he wrote about demons, just that he wrote about them. Then the article jumps to explaining why incubi are evil. Spargimino gives us another random definition and expects us to form our own conclusions, with little context.

Nevermind that incubi were one of the White Witch’s henchmen. Nevermind that they killed Aslan. Nope, the whole book is bad because incubi are in it.

Here’s where incubi are mentioned in the text:

“A great crowd of people were standing all round the Stone Table and though the moon was shining many of them carried torches which burned with evil-looking red flames and black smoke. But such people! Ogres with monstrous teeth, and wolves, and bull-headed men; spirits of evil trees and poisonous plants; and other creatures whom I won’t describe because if I did the grownups would probably not let you read this book – Cruels and Hags and Incubuses, Wraiths, Horrors, Efreets, Sprites, Orknies, Wooses, and Ettins. In fact here were all those who were on the Witch’s side and whom the Wolf had summoned at her command. And right in the middle, standing by the Table, was the Witch herself.” — The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, Chapter 14

In context, the incubi make sense. Out of context, the definition given would probably horrify most parents reading this article.

So when Dr. Larry asks if Christians need this kind of “Christian” allegory, his audience is already mentally answering with a resounding no.

Once again, Dr. Larry is citing disreputable sources. Geocities was a free Yahoo webhosting service that shut down in 2009. Geocities was known for being kind of awful.

Now the audience is supposed to be upset that Lewis is explaining truth with mythological characters because “we wonder if the blurring of reality and fantasy is really the way to go.” Why? Because Scripture!

Since fundamentalists believe nothing is missing in Scripture, which according to their theology is supposed to fulfill every human need, then their answer to Spargimino’s question is no.

Therefore, Narnia is not something our children need to read. Furthermore, they could be harmed by reading these books or watching this movie. Therefore, we will not allow our children to read these books.

This is how fundamentalist logic works. It’s sad and it’s incredibly limiting.

The same reasoning used in this article was used to keep us from reading Harry Potter or any other entertainment that Christian fundamentalists think is against the Bible or potentially sinful.

It’s fear tactics.

Dr. Larry Spargimino never actually comes out and explains that this is why Narnia is evil, he just hints and plants doubts in the minds of an already indoctrinated audience. They’ll end up convincing themselves that it’s something to avoid.

If this guy was writing a paper for a college English course, he’d get marked off for not explaining what his quotes and sources mean, for not clarifying what he’s actually trying to say. But since he’s a fundamentalist radio preacher, he can get away with it.

When you encounter conservative Christians bemoaning the release of a new book or movie as the new worst thing ever, look for this type of thinking. It’s very common.

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Purity Culture isn’t just a Christian thing

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on October 26, 2015. 

I spent my teenage years immersed in purity culture, in both evangelical and fundamentalist Christian circles.

If you were homeschooled, went to youth group, or wore a purity ring, you probably know what I’m talking about.

Purity culture was an ideology, a movement complete with books like Dannah Gresh’s Secret Keeper, promoted in concerts by Christian artists like Rebecca St. James and single women’s retreats, like the one I went to that was organized by Biblical Discipleship Ministries and hosted at Bill Gothard’s ALERT Academy in Big Sandy, Texas. (Note: Bill Gothard has been accused by at least 10 women of sexual abuse and the court case was featured in Amazon Prime’s docuseries Shiny Happy People in June 2023.)

A conservative Muslim man who added me on Facebook several months ago often posts religious memes or quotes from the Quran. This week, he shared a few memes that seemed oddly familiar, because they echoed many things that purity culture taught me.

Here they are, along with their Christian counterparts.

1. You will only find a partner as you grow closer to God.

Purity culture seemed to almost guarantee that we’d find The One (TM), if we obeyed all the rules. Following the formula would supposedly bring you closer to God and, by default, closer to that one person chosen to be your life partner from the beginning of time.

Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of When God Writes your Love Story, said, “Girls, if you will learn to wait patiently and confidently for God to bring a Christlike man into your life, you will not be disappointed. And guys, learn to treat women like the Perfect Gentleman, Jesus Christ, If you do, you will not only be promoted out of ‘jerkhood,’ but you will then be worthy of a beautiful princess of purity who is saving herself just for you.”

Islamic teachings seem to be nearly identical, except you might be waiting for The One[s], depending on which sect you belong to.

2. Wives should obey and submit to their husbands.

This is basically complementarian theology, based on how evangelical and fundamentalist Christian churches interpret Ephesians 5:22-33.

According to this view, men and women are said to be equally valuable, but serve in different roles. Men are the leaders and women are their helpmeets. Those who believe in this claim that any attempt to live outside of these scripted gender roles will result in a failed marriage.

The most spiritual women, according to this teaching, submit to their husbands and obey them even when they disagree or even when their husbands are wrong or abusive.

3. Casual dating is bad because your goal should be to find someone to marry.

Purity culture teaches that kissing, holding hands, and sex outside of marriage is disrespectful to your future spouse and stealing intimacy from any potential relationships in the future.

A sexually active woman is used and no longer desirable, like damaged merchandise or a wilted rose.

Again, this idea isn’t unique to evangelical Christianity. It’s part of other high-control religions as well.

4. Specific instructions on what clothing is modest and pleasing / displeasing to God.

Basically the more covered your body is, the better, according to people who believe this.

Wear long sleeves and long skirts to demonstrate that we’re women, but you better not show your midriff or have a neckline. In fact, it’s better if you avoid any clothing even suggesting that you have curves. Shirts with V-necks are sketchy even if it doesn’t show cleavage, turtlenecks are your safest bet.

The goal is to become the least likely woman to “make your brother in Christ stumble,” which often ends up putting a lot of pressure on women in these religious communities, because it makes women responsible for men’s feelings and attraction to them.

Purity culture’s teachings have been used to blame women for their sexual assault or harassment when people ask “well, what were you wearing?”

These ideas aren’t unique or special.

Conservative Muslims say the exact same thing. Purity culture isn’t exclusive to Christianity. But in reality, we don’t have the inside track to something fabulous if we follow these teachings, and it’s not a magical life hack formula that will fix everything broken in our lives.

It’s more likely that we’re supporting an oppressive patriarchal system through these restrictive religious beliefs.

Most of this isn’t even in the Bible. Jesus doesn’t love you more if you wear the right clothing. I believe he lets you make your own adult choices.

Purity culture won’t make you a better person. It might just give you a superiority complex.

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Unfundamentalist Thoughts: What do Christians mean when they say ‘our joy is not based on this world’?

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on May 18, 2019. 

It only takes a few words to send me back. Certain phrases just set me off.

It can be something simple, so common that most average Christians wouldn’t even notice it. But those words meant something else in the fundamentalist cult I grew up in.

I go to a not-crazy church now because it’s helped me heal and find peace. Last week, I slipped into the service on my lunch break. I work two jobs and Sunday mornings are a time I get to stop and breathe.

The worship pastor was talking between the songs and he said something like “our joy is not based on the things of this world.”

My stomach dropped.

This is probably not what he meant, but this is what I felt. You’re not allowed to enjoy your life. Don’t be happy with the work you’re doing. You shouldn’t be proud of the awards you’ve won for journalism. The only thing that matters is heaven. 

He didn’t say any of those things. If I asked him if he meant that, he probably would have looked at me bewildered.

This is all about context.

A catchphrase that means one thing in fundamentalist and even most evangelical churches doesn’t mean the same thing to mainstream, non-extremist Christian denominations.

Those who have been through spiritual abuse, especially growing up, are not going to hear what you are actually trying to say. I’ve had many conversations with my pastors about this, and they’ve been very understanding about translating for me. I’ll ask them, so this thing you said, did you mean this or something else? If you didn’t mean the legalistic interpretation I’m used to, what did you mean?

Some Bible verses were weaponized and used against me for my whole life. I have to work to reorient myself to their actual meaning. It’s a process of rewiring the connections in my brain, trying to find new associations.

I thought about that phrase again.

I’ve been going to yoga since not long after I was kicked out of my parents’ house. Yoga teachers usually ask you to take your mind off everything you feel like you have to do and just be, just for an hour. Just exist.

They tell you that your worth is not based on what you do, and it’s okay to just breathe. Their wording is different, so it doesn’t usually have a religious connotation for me.

I kept asking myself what a reasonable, healthy person would mean if they said our joy isn’t based on this world. They probably mean that your successes and failures at work or school don’t determine your worth as a person. That you’re more than your productivity. That life is made up of both tragedy and triumph and while it’s okay and necessary to grieve and feel all those emotions, you can reach out to hope beyond the exhaustion.

It would mean encouraging mindfulness, trying to lower stress.

Basically, the idea is don’t let temporary circumstances hinder you or define you. But that’s not what I first thought.

I still don’t like the phrase.

By definition, it plays into the evangelical “not being of this world but of another world” dynamic which brings up a host of other issues because of how it’s often interpreted, but it doesn’t have to mean what I was told as a child—that you couldn’t be an active part of your own life, that you couldn’t be present, you had to dissociate from your thoughts and feelings in your own mind because you were evil from birth, that enjoying ordinary experiences was a sin.

It’s been absolutely essential for me to parse out phrases like this to break free of the chains in my mind and find a deeper healing.

Maybe it will help someone else who is raw and healing too.

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The journey continues: How I’m healing from spiritual abuse

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on April 20, 2018. 

So for those of you who’ve been around me a while know that I came out of a fundamentalist Christian background, and I’ve been working on weeding those things out of my life for several years.

Those old thought patterns were rooted in some people’s unhealthy desires to control other humans, planting fear where freedom belongs.

You also probably know that my journey back into doing church in a healthy way has been sort of like a long backpacking trip—sometimes the terrain was rough and there was a lot of asking myself things like, what do I think is a healthy way to be a person of faith, can I even do church ever again or is this just too painful, and can I trust anyone who identifies as Christian to be who they say they are and to not use faith as a tool to hurt me.

My friends remember me asking “is this normal?” often—sometimes I’m still asking.

I needed to talk to other people during this deconstruction process so that I could finally find the healing I’d been seeking all along.

Many of you were part of that journey.

The thing that drew me back to my childhood church was that they actually believe in community. Their home groups meet to discuss a few chapters of the Bible (not one of those rote, fill-in-the-blank studies that sometimes feel more like indoctrination than growth) and share a meal together, which felt more like what I’ve heard the early church must have been like than anything I’ve ever seen before.

I loved this church’s emphasis on discipleship, which to them means building genuine relationships where you can be authentic even when life is messy and where you don’t have to pretend or worry that you’re not saying the right thing to make sure everyone knows you’re one of the “real Christians.”

Open-ended questions are welcomed here, questions like “so what does this mean for us practically, if we’re actually living out what Jesus said” or just saying “sometimes I have trouble believing that God is good and trusting him since I’ve lived through so much betrayal.”

There are no bizarre, specific rules like how many inches below your collarbone is your neckline allowed to be if you happen to be female.

This is not what most evangelical churches are like, based on my limited but varied experience, living in four different places during my childhood and attending numerous churches of various denominations growing up and with college friends.

So last week, I was in a video that my church made about our discipleship group, and it actually turned out pretty well despite my awkwardness and I wanted to share this with my dear friends who have walked this path with me — some who don’t live here locally.

Maybe one of my biggest hopes (yes I’m aware that it’s overly idealistic) is that American Christianity will become more like this.

It’s been almost six years now since I moved out of my parents’ house, and almost three years since my cats and I moved cross country back to Texas.

I know this was a long post, but thank you for reading and sticking around while I live out my story.


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