Christina shares her experience on leaving a cult with her spouse.
Author: Christina
Sweet Freedom
All my life, I have been addicted to sugar. Mind you, I was born and raised in Germany, where the streets are paved with chocolate and we bathe in creamy cocoa. In other words, with sweets being so readily available, mind-blowingly tasty, and making for a wonderful deserved or undeserved treat, I became cookie monster’s younger and less blue sister at an early age. What does my sugar addiction have to do with the topic of spiritual abuse?
It will not come at a great surprise that my old gang used just about any little fact about a person to shame us, to exert power over us, to make us feel incompetent in every way. While the leader was highly athletically inclined, some of the group’s members could not keep up, and extra pounds became extra poundings. While I never looked overweight due to an active lifestyle (I couldn’t afford a car and was too lazy to wait for the bus), I would always be found eating cookies or massive amounts of food, should we go to a buffet, much to the embarrassment of the leader, who had to give me looks, and eventually a not so subtle speech. I loved to eat. Come to think of it, eating was about the happiest thing I could be doing. Did the speech about eating normal amounts of food help? Did the advice to sit down while eating, rather than walking around with candy in my hand set me free? Did force-fasting fix my food addiction? Nope, nopety-nope, nope.
When shortly after being kicked out I moved to the US, things began to change. Knowing the US culture you might raise an eyebrow or two, but it so happened that, praise be to God, he put a friend in my life, Ashley Darkenwald, and between the two of us and the Holy Spirit, real miracles occurred. Ashley had already been a Personal Trainer and I started working as office staff at the gym she owned at the time. Over the course of the following years, we developed a deep friendship around our mutual interests to grow closer to God, healthier in our lifestyle, and altogether freer. She brought in knowledge about health and wellness, and paired with my background in theology and theology gone bad, we had much food for thought to chew on. One of the results was a book that she wrote and I helped as a contributor and editor, Living Wellness. We realized that there is already much information out there to learn a healthy lifestyle and many companies offer crutches and weightless diets, but what we wanted to offer was going to be different. We thought about what had helped us find freedom from addiction to food and sugar and motivates us to this day to take good care of our bodies; God’s love.
One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was allowing God access to the way I eat, especially after going without food or being shamed over eating. But when I invited God into my journey to pursue more health, I found freedom when I thought I would put myself in prison. Not that I have arrived, but I have given God full permission to guide me, not just by the knowledge I received about what healthy living looks like, but also by what my body craves, and what makes me feel good in the long run, not just the moment of eating it. I decided to face that idol food had become in my life. It had become the source of my happiness and I was reaping its rewards, thyroid problems, depression, weight gain, lack of energy, etc. Mindlessly and spiritlessly eating was making me sick. But, truth will set you free when you choose to receive it, and guess what, day by day I grew more free and healthier. I am off all meds I was ever prescribed in Germany and enjoy energy and freedom from addiction to sugar or food thoughts twirling in a pink tutu all around my brain space. I believe God has paved a way to more abundant living, and having been promised that in my cult, I am blessed to have found a greater taste of it far away from it.
I am a Personal Trainer and Nutrition Coach now of over 6 years and love to support clients who desire change but don’t know how. We have not invented a magic cure to anything, but what we have put on paper and made many videos about is stuff that has helped us. Honestly, if we would write the book again right now, parts or nuances would look differently. But I believe we have created helpful tools to come along side anyone who is looking for more freedom and balance in their life, especially when it comes to their health and lifestyle. We offer knowledge and reflection, accountability and inspiration and at the end of the day we have nothing for you but the grace that God has had for us. We don’t offer a program but we do believe that Living Wellness could change your life. I have facilitated a Living Wellness Growth Group at my house and at churches. Even if you do none of the homework (reading and reflecting and watching short videos), you will get a lot out of the group meetings.
I have decided to attempt to run my first online group, beginning January 27th, 2019 at 4-5:30pm. The total cost for 8 sessions will be $80 (sign up here: https://www.lwgg.org/shop/christina-online-growthgroup-dc7kt). We only have space for tops 15 people, in my experience not everyone attends each meeting but even if so, we will keep personal sharing time brief so everyone can participate (or not!) in the way they feel comfortable. We will not be a therapy group but a support group. One of the group’s rules (no unspoken rules with me 🙂 ) is that we don’t try to fix or rescue each other. A safe space to share means no one will offer unsolicited advice, not me either. We will meet via zoom (free meeting platform). You can order the book here (https://www.lwgg.org/shop/living-wellness-for-growth-groups-book). We also have an e-version of the book. While that one is convenient and cheaper, I’d recommend an external journal, as we have many questions for you to reflect on during the reading time. Should you have any questions, contact me via gesundheitservices@gmail.com. Just a heads up about the lwgg.org website, the company is changing platforms soon but the links should redirect you to where you can sign up. If you would like to learn more about me and Ashley, check out our live-show (Living Wellness Live) and no-audience show (Living Wellness Show), we have 7 episodes online. Here is one of my favorites (because it has an interview with Brian Zahnd in it and the food prepared in the kitchen was very tasty): https://youtu.be/sT9M_LUX1Qs
I am excited for more freedom in the year to come! Should you allow me to join your journey by signing up for an 8 week group, I am SO looking forward to walking by your side for awhile!
NOTE: The winter group has been cancelled and Christina is hoping to offer another in the spring.
Meeting one of my Heroes or how I became audacious again
I was born in an elevator of the hospital my mom was rushed to. When I had a plan, I would see it through! Naturally gifted with an adventurous, envelope pushing attitude, I started to hang around the group that would end up splitting me in half (metaphorically speaking) in my early twenties, and I learned quickly that my audacity had to go.
While at first I thought it was fine to keep following my ideas, be it to visit someone in another town or country, or offer to write and perform skits for the group’s services, I learned one by one that my travel plans had to line up with the leader’s (unfortunately he never thought it was a good idea to leave) and after writing and performing one skit, the leader would reserve the right to plan a service to the Holy Spirit- not knowing what the topic of the sermon was going to be, I felt unable to write anymore skits. By the time I left the group, my audacity had shriveled my personality into a timid, “what if this isn’t what God wants right now?” wondering paranoid.
The past nine years have taught me, one by one, that I can trust my whims and daydreams again, leading to a life of adventure and the kind of excitement I desire. My family and I have traveled within the US and to Europe, I sing karaoke almost weekly, and with a friend I dreamed up and started our own filmed show on health and wellness, called Living Wellness Live, that we co-host, produced by my husband’s video production company Truth in Motion Studios. However, the pinnacle of regaining my audacity (do I dare to call it God-given?), was to reach out to the authors of “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” and another author and pastor, Brian Zahnd. In this post I’d like to share about how that interview came about.
Upon reading “Sinners in the Hands of a Loving God“, I knew that the message of the book was exactly what I needed to hear ages ago. Precisely, Brian explains, what the belief that God hates sinners does to people, churches, communities, and nations. If the God you worship hates, you will become a person that justifiably hates. Having been so deeply wounded and confused at the core about when God loves me, when God protects me, when I could feel good about my eternal status should I die, I needed what Brian had to say.
On top of that, my own home church had already endeavored on a journey of reading and audaciously considering re-interpretation of Bible stories. Believing that God is like Jesus, left us with many shocking discoveries about beloved stories, such as considering that Abraham grossly misunderstood what God was telling him to discover about Him, when he “tested” him; Do you believe, like all the pagans around you, that you need to sacrifice your first born just so that you will get what you are hoping for? Abraham’s discovery was that God did not require such an unthinkable act and later in the prophet Jeremiah 19:5 we’re learning that it hasn’t ever even crossed God’s mind to have someone kill a child for him.
With all these new discoveries about how God was so much better than we had thought, reading Brian’s book filled in cracks or felt like reading a book we could have written as well. I knew I needed to meet him. Reaching pastors of big churches is quite unlikely. Trying to reach him by contacting his team proved fruitless, so I messaged him via Facebook. He got back to me the next day! He was willing to meet me and my husband to film interviews for my first videos on spiritual abuse and a shorter interview for a segment on our wellness show.
Audaciously, I had asked him if we could meet him for dinner and film the next day. My husband and I filled up our orange Beetle with camera equipment to the brim and drove down to St Joseph, Missouri, for seven hours, filled with marveling at the fact that we get to do what we are passionate about: telling (earth shattering) truth with video. We met him and his wife Peri at a Sushi restaurant. It was an incredible hot August Sunday evening and I was excited out of my mind. He looked like a retired rock star with sandals, lots of facial hair, and Pink Floyd shirt. I giggled like a groupie because I had spent the past month basically inhaling his teachings on videos or podcasts, relieved with every other sermon or teaching series at his insight into God’s character that resonated so deeply within me.
We talked vividly for two hours. There wasn’t enough time! Also, if you have ever met someone you admire from a distance, there is the strange sensation of realizing that while you feel like you know them well, they don’t know you well at all, and they might not even have the brain space or desire of getting to know you well. Peri and Brian however were very sweet and showed interest in me sharing my background, which for some reason I decided to start with my grandparents’ birth in Siberia, them becoming Mennonite refugees and ending up in Paraguay, where my mom was born.
When we said good night, I felt like a fool for trying to explain why I believe I ended up in a Christian cult by backing up two generations before I was born, but I wanted them to get to know me as well and as accurately as possible. I guess the moral of the story is, I have to see them again! The interview was filmed in Brian’s office at his church, Word of Life, and covers many different topics. I decided to call it “A reintroduction to God with Brian Zahnd” because that seems to be his ministry. While he is receiving a lot of criticism from other Christians for his positions and views, I believe he is right to say that God is like Jesus and that THAT was the good news, that God isn’t mad and looks to punish people but that He forgives and loves eternally. I believe Brian and Peri Zahnd are nothing short of modern day prophets who speak truth that many people in the body of Christ are beginning to hear as well. I hope you will enjoy the thoughts we are discussing as much as I have!
Hearing God After Spiritual Abuse
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27
Wow, God seemed to talk a lot to my leaders in my Christian cult! Shockingly, His divine messages seemed to focus on how I missed it, again, and how I needed to be better in every way before He could use me at all. On top of that, God apparently had a lot to say about every aspect of my life, including where I was allowed to apply for a student job (unfortunately “He gave” to each of the two leaders contrary words of wisdom), how long I could attend work meetings, or when I was allowed to visit with friends and family.
Looking back, I can’t tell the flags from all the red anymore but back then I swallowed it all in whole. Needless to say that when my years in the cult were over, I desired to find truth. For years I carried crippling fears with me, fearing I would take the wrong turn in life and even committing to a vacation, buying tickets, etc. caused severe anxiety. What if God would cancel my plans last minute like “He” had done so many times before?
In this video I am sitting down with David Johnson, author of “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse“, and we’re candidly discussing how a person can develop from carrying a sheep-mentality to a child of God-sheep, following the voice of the good shepherd. We are called to follow someone and it turns out, it will not be a person in front of us but a voice that can be found on the inside originating from God. If we hand over the responsibility of and for our lives to someone else out of fear to make a mistake and displease God, boy what a loss and misunderstanding of the grace of God working in our lives!
Disclaimer; we have no quick answers or fixes, all we came up with is that it will take time and mature people to help us grow to get in touch with our true self, the place where God can connect with us, and it is all about His love for us and everyone else. I hope this will bless someone!
Bon voyage, fellow traveler!
