Author: Nana5 | Page 4 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Walking In The Light

O house of Jacob, come and let us walk In the light of the LORD. Isaiah‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why we were all subjected to spiritual abuse. Why did it happen to me when I so much wanted to be saved and serve the Lord. The same wish I think all of us had which is probably why we were an easy mark for the United Pentecostal Church cult.

But even with all their erroneous teaching and rules and regulations it didn’t stop us from continuing our search for truth. We were still in darkness and looking to walk freely in His marvelous light.

I wanted to be like Isaiah and “walk in the light of the Lord.” I wanted to see and learn about God myself. I had all the questions but couldn’t get any straight answers. Could it be the ministry didn’t know the answers? Was it because they were still in darkness themselves? How can you shed light on something while you are sitting in darkness? “Therefore take heed that the light which is in you is not darkness.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:35‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

For with their belief in a works based salvation and a heavy yoke of bondage that kept us in darkness, had they forgotten it was God who made the light? “Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.” Genesis‬ ‭1:3-4 NKJV‬‬

God never wanted his people to sit in darkness. “For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” II Corinthians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

We were always intended to walk in light and not be in darkness. It is still God’s will for us to be full of light. “The people who walked in darkness Have seen a great light; Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, Upon them a light has shined.” Isaiah‬ ‭9:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Now I’ve always been told that December 25 is not Jesus’ real birthday, and that may be so, but the Winter Solstice begins December 21 and this is the darkest time of the year, a week of the longest and darkest nights. It’s the perfect time of the year for the Light of the World to be born. When Jesus was born, the heavens lit up with the light of angels. “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭2:13-14 NKJV

The Wise Men also followed a sign, a brightly lit star. “…behold, the star which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came and stood over where the young Child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭2:2, 9-10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Thirty years later, Jesus spoke to his disciples saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12 NKJV

Coincidence? Maybe. But one thing I’ve learned there are no accidents with God, he plans everything in fine detail. Right down to our salvation. Which for some of us had to have the light of God’s word shine out to us and show us the way out of darkness. “Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalms‬ ‭119:105‬ ‭

Yes it was hard, hurtful and full of pain and confusion while we’re caught up in the darkness of erroneous teaching and trying to find salvation because we were eager to be saved but God saw our struggles and said “Let there be light.” And we followed His light out of the darkness. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” Ephesians‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

In reading and sharing my own experiences I realized that I was still letting myself be trapped in the darkness of the past and it was time for me to be a daughter of light. No more hiding behind the hurt of the past but letting my little light shine for the glory of God and to finally know the light of his love and grace.

If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, the whole body will be full of light, as when the bright shining of a lamp gives you light. ‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:36‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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Raising Two PKs in the UPCI

I was not raised a PK but as a pastor’s wife I had trouble fitting in with other pastor’s wives because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be around them. I wasn’t raised by Christian parents and especially not in a pastor’s home.

I did raise two children as PKs but tried to make their lives as normal as possible. I also know my kids were treated differently and were often excluded from activities and parties because they were the pastor’s kids.

It did save the life of my daughter one night when her two friends decided to live on the wild side and went to a party where they consumed alcohol and were involved in a terrible accident and both girls were killed. If my daughter would have been with them, well let’s just say she could have been killed too. This caused my daughter to suffer guilt because she hadn’t said anything to us about the party. She knew why she’d been excluded but didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to be a snitch. The years passed, my son went away to college and my daughter married and my husband left me for another woman and I was left to clean up his mess.

My life changed immediately and the saints took their hurt out on me. It wasn’t a good time in my life. I moved to a bigger city 2 hours away where my son lived and my daughter and her family followed suit. Her marriage was crumbling and soon she was divorced with three young daughters. We couldn’t find another United Pentecostal Church where we felt welcomed because we were no longer in the ministry but were still isolated from the saints. I had women coming to me in the church warning me away from their husbands and my daughter couldn’t attend because of her ex.

So we finally found a non-denominational church to attend. Here we found hope, love and a new beginning. But most of all we found acceptance without the stigma of our past.

I had close friends at my job but it was hard to make friends at church because of our past, but we did and most of all we feel at home.

My kids and I definitely suffered by the elitism of the UPC ministry but from the lack of it in our new church we’ve been able to achieve some normalcy. My daughter married a good man a few years ago who had 2 daughters and they have a wonderful blended family and I was blessed with 2 more granddaughters. I have also been blessed with a very nice man and we’ve been dating for three years and he is not a minister at all!

Through this we’ve learned to be kind and friendly to everyone and we welcome all to our homes for dinner, not just ministry. I belong to a sweet group of people who call me by my first name with the usual “sister” in front of it. I’ve got an identity that is all my own.

So what started out as the worst time of my life has changed to the best time.

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10 Things to Remember about God When Life is Hard

I came across the following article while researching something else and it seemed to help me so wanted to share it.

10 Things to Remember about God When Life is Hard by Jennifer Kostick

I suffer from spiritual amnesia. This means that I’ve received many answers to prayer in my life, but, unfortunately, I have a tendency to forget God’s faithfulness as soon another trial comes my way. I’m enduring one of the greatest hardships of my entire life, and this time I’ve made a promise to my Savior. I will cling to the truth of His fidelity towards me. I will remember what He’s done, and praise Him for what I know He will do.

Here are 10 truths about God to cling to when life is hard:

1. What He did for the patriarchs, He will do for you.

We often tend to forget the people we read about were real, flesh and blood, living, breathing humans. We open up the Bible and see the whole picture of what happened in the story of their lives, completely forgetting they actual lived out those events. God gave them promises, and they worked through a myriad of emotions and shortcomings until they finally received each one the Almighty spoke. God’s promises did not end with the patriarchs. Their lives are reminders of what He’s done, is doing, and will do. Open up the word and read it. Get excited! He wants to work in your life! (See Philippians 4:19)

Read the full article here.

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The Miry Clay

I’ve been out of legalism and attending a healthy grace-filled church for six years and feel like I’ve come a long way in my healing from spiritual abuse. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and PTCS (post traumatic church syndrome, my made up phrase for bad church experiences).

At the new healthy church, I’ve been through many bible studies and programs and currently involved in Celebrate Recovery. I’m also getting ready to teach a spiritual abuse bible study called Life’s Healing Choices (Thanks Lois for the book). I have overcome a lot of junk from my past and I’ve had remarkable healing of relationships and even forgiving and forgetting certain situations in my past.

But even with all the victories, every once in awhile I wake up and feel like I’m back in that deep miry pit and struggling with depression, anxiety and overeating. The negativity is so strong and my mind is swirling with negative thoughts, worry, anxiety and fear and I can’t seem to shut it down. I just keep sinking into the pit of despair.

Did something trigger it? Probably the paperwork I received from my long term disability insurance that needs to be filled out for them to review my case and decide to continue paying my disability.

Now this insurance company knows I have Parkinson’s Disease and it is progressive with no cure. You never improve you just keep adjusting and you are dependent on the medications. I need that disability income to survive financially and to pay my insurance because my medicines are expensive.

I know all the scriptures that I’ve quoted to others and I’ve had them quoted to me. Luke 12:29, Philippians 4:6, Philippians 4:13, “to be anxious for nothing,” “God will supply,” “take no thought for what you will wear or eat” and there are many others. I quote them all and pray them all but I’m still in the pit!

I tell God that I hate the pit. That I’m being sucked down into the miry clay of depression.

So I cry as my daughter fills out the paperwork because my handwriting is too bad and is not legible anymore and I bemoan my fate and complain about my plight. Until my sweet daughter sighs and tells me to read something in the Bible. Something different.

Something different? She suggested Psalms 40. So I opened my bible and began to read:

I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps. He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the LORD. Blessed is that man who makes the LORD his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies. Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered. Sacrifice and offering You did not desire; My ears You have opened. Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require. Then I said, “Behold, I come; In the scroll of the book it is written of me. I delight to do Your will, O my God, And Your law is within my heart. I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness In the great assembly; Indeed, I do not restrain my lips, O LORD, You Yourself know. I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart; I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation; I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth From the great assembly. Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O LORD; Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me. ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40:1-11‬ ‭NKJV

When I finished reading I had to admit I was very humbled and shamefaced and I looked at my daughter and wondered when had she become so wise and I said as much. She smiled and shrugged a shoulder and said “Mom, you taught me and you have always done all the things that portion of scripture says. I read it and pray it all the time.”

Then she told me to read Proverbs 12:25:

“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad.”

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So as she finished the paperwork and made copies of my Power of Attorney to attach, she spoke good words to me and it did make my heart glad. Then she took my hand and she prayed these words: “Heavenly Father, You brought us out of the miry clay of legalism and put our feet upon the rock of Christ Jesus to stay. You put a new song in our hearts to sing. A song of praise hallelujah!” She looked at me, this young woman who I raised, the mother of my five granddaughters, with wisdom and faith in her eyes and said we used to sing the old hymn differently in the past but this is how I sing it now!

So I dried my tears and we both smiled and I climbed out of the pit.

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A Morning With God…They Are New Every Day

I have trouble sleeping and I’m often awake at 4:30-5:00am. If I’m awaken because of pain caused by the Parkinson’s I need to try and get moving because my muscles are all stiff. So I crawl out of bed and limp around getting a cup of coffee, grabbing my Bible and out to the deck I go.
If it’s too dark to read I just sit and talk to God, listening to the sounds of night turning to day. I like to check my emails and look on Facebook and I told God that I was so tired of all the political mess and terrorist attacks and threats that constantly appear on Facebook. It was all so horrible and why couldn’t we live in peace.

That’s when I thought of part of a scripture which was just a phrase….. “They are new every morning”……what is new each morning God? I had to do a little searching to find it in Lamentations and I never read that book of the Bible because….it is so sad and depressing. So I found it and yes it is sad and depressing because of what they were going through (I ended up reading the whole book) and I saw what God wanted me to see.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD.
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

According to my Bible translation Lamentations is described as a funeral dirge of the fallen city Jerusalem when the Babylonians invaded the city and reduced it to rubble and barrenness. There is a shortage of food and people are dying of starvation and even the mothers are eating their offspring.

In the days of her affliction and roaming, Jerusalem remembers all her pleasant things that she had in the days of old. (V 1:7)

They had no hope for a future and they were caught up in the past. Not wanting to let go of how it was and definitely not wanting to look ahead to a future. So they mourned the loss of all those years….and cried over an uncertain future. Jeremiah goes on and on with his Lamentations until suddenly he remembers the Lord’s mercies and His compassions that fail not and they are new every morning and great is God’s faithfulness!

For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though he causes grief, yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. (v 3:31-32)

I’ve often grieved over this great nation we live in and how terror reigns almost on every corner and it seems that Satan himself has invaded our cities with his lies and evil destruction and has completely destroyed our faith in God and mankind. We feel hopeless. Especially the ones who have been damaged by unhealthy churches and we wonder is it safe to trust in God again? Do we move on or stay in the past where we know our hurts and can take comfort in the days of old.

This morning spent with God, he showed me how life continues to go on…my moonflower was still bloomed out, the simple enjoyment of a branch from a spider plant, the ducks came quacking for food and a beautiful sunrise.

Nature is still set in motion…life still goes on and we still need to put our trust and hope in Him. His mercies and compassions are new every morning!

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

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