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Author: Lois
I was a member of the United Pentecostal Church for just under 13 years and was a licensed minister during a short part of that time. I am the owner of the SpiritualAbuse.org website, which was started four years after leaving. I am originally from southern New Jersey.
In December 2018, the blog section of the spiritual abuse website had 10,008 visits, with 7326 being unique. Below are the top ten read posts in December from six different authors.
Here are some of the words people used in search engines which led them to the blog: spiritual abuse upci, sexual abuse in apostolic church, leaving the upci church, charles buck treadway of new life tabernacle, manual of the united pentecostal church international, shoemacker upci spiritualabuse, jadon hubacek texas, shame has destroyed my life, survivors of spiritual abuse, upc a cult and pastor steve dahl wisconsin. Each of these were used two to five times. It’s interesting seeing how people came to access the blog.
We are always looking for new people to join our group of bloggers, so please consider registering and watch your email for more information. How frequently you post is up to you and no one needs to be a polished writer. Let your voice be heard and help others recover. You may even find it therapeutic. Read here for more information.
Below is what one woman experienced being raised in an unhealthy church, how it distorted her view of God causing her to become angry and bitter, and how she has been recovering since leaving. I have added some commentary after it that deals with the standards.
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Here are the facts/reasons why I left the United Pentecostal Church organization when I was 19 years old after being brought up from birth in the same church/organization.
I left as an angry and bitter teenager. I left thinking God (if there was one) was far too unobtainable. He appeared to be angry all the time and was looking for ways to keep me out of heaven. No matter what my parents said to me, it was never enough, it would never heal my broken spirit from all the manipulation and control and mean things that the oppressed members expressed towards me. I hated that they were so devoted to a man that always seemed angry and mad. There were so many things that I could not understand as a young person that I just couldn’t stomach it. I would lay in bed and dream of the day I was old enough to leave.
I hated feeling scared to go to church that he (the pastor) just may call me out because he could read my mind. I felt like I was always being preached at because I am sure he could tell that I was growing cold more and more. I just didn’t care about the people, I thought they were all foolish and weak. They couldn’t make decisions on their own. It was a little church that never grew. One person came in, two were leaving. Most didn’t stay. Only the weak would stay. Asking if you could go on vacation or take a job that would cause you to leave the church for another one was not acceptable. You were always told that it was out of the will of God. Just who did they think they were to tell you what the will of God was or was not for your life? Was it for the money? If your family left that would leave a big gap in the financial stream.
I got so tired of being told on to the pastor by one woman in particular if my hairdo was not holy enough or I curled my eyelashes or… the list goes on.
I so wanted to have a normal life as a child. I wanted to be involved with the outside world but I was so fearful because everything was wrong. I finally came to the resolve that I was just a bad person and that God couldn’t love me and stayed in constant fear that God would come and I was certainly going to Hell. I loved bling and beauty and I hated that I had to look like everyone else and think like everyone else and act like everyone else. I didn’t want to look frumpy, I wanted to have my own personality.
Why can they now do the very things that were forbidden when I was a kid? I remember watching TV at the neighbors (some after school program). I was sent home, scolded and had to pray in my room for an hour to ask God to forgive me. I was so fearful because I was told I would have to tell the pastor. Now they can watch TV, go to movies, go to concerts etc. All the things I wanted to experience was forbidden. What happened? God changed his mind? Did he say, “Pastors, it’s okay as long as everyone pays their tithes and all the other offerings”? Hmmmm not sure about that……
My step son went to a concert and on the way home was in a terrible car accident and the pastor told him that God did it to him because he was rebellious. Really? That same pastor years later had tragedy strike his family and I had always wondered what happened. What was God punishing him for? Oh it wasn’t punishment. I believe now that it rains on the just and the unjust. I don’t feel any ill feelings towards this man, I just feel bad for him that he actually felt this way. (I’m not sure what he feels now because people on his board at the church go to movies, concerts etc.) By the way, my step son is an atheist now.
I never really dealt with the pain that this church caused me. The only way I knew how to deal with it was by being angry. That seemed to help me. It wasn’t until eight years ago that I was in a business meeting for leaders when I heard a speaker that was a Christian teaching us about leadership. I would usually get up and walk out. This time, I couldn’t, it was like I had weights in my behind. I just sat there listening. I totally got what he was saying and something changed in my heart.
You see, when I was little I tried to be a perfect little girl for Jesus. I loved him, I wrote to him in my diary, I wrote songs to him. Then I realized that he was demanding and wanted to see me go to Hell and that is when everything changed. I knew I could never be good enough, I could never please him. I felt when I was created God must have made a mistake. I just couldn’t be like everyone else. I was told that I was rebellious etc. I was so tired of being told that I was bad, not good enough. I think back, I was a pretty good kid that had a little OCD and just wanted to be perfect and excel in everything.
When I got married to my husband we made a vow that we would never go to church except for funerals and weddings. He, too, was a former UPC survivor. We made that vow and all was going great. Then here we were at a weekend event for leaders and we are now listening to this man speak and our hearts actually opened to receive what he had to say. Long story short, we both wound up receiving Christ into our lives in a new, fresh and beautiful way. It changed us on every level. No, we did not do anything like we were taught in the UPC ways and yet God transformed our hearts.
What I have noticed is that even though life is good, there is still residue from my old life in the UPC. I don’t really care what others say or feel about me, but I did care what God felt towards me. I am sorry to say that I had felt that God hated me because I was different from them. I wanted more, I didn’t want to be judgmental, I didn’t want to be like them in any way. When I am with my family I stick out I am sure, but that’s okay. The hard part is, they try so hard to include me but I feel at times that they don’t know what to think. They see I have a walk with God but it’s not anything like what I was taught. I am sure this is confusing to them and that makes my heart sad at times.
What I have learned is this, what matters is what God thinks of me and He is pretty crazy in love with me. Do I have battle scars? Yes. Am I still recovering from a brainwashed life of manipulation and control by man? YES. Will I ever be free from it? YES, not sure if it will be in this life… but I know one thing, I don’t want to be old and bitter so things better change soon because time keeps ticking by…lol. Seriously, not bitter but still dealing with being wounded. My advice, don’t cram it down and pretend it never happened, deal with it and move on.
That’s all for now. My heart tells me that God has something very special for those that have been thrown out for being a rebel, misfit and uncontrollable by religion. Jesus is the same Jesus that walked the earth and He was quite the rebel in the Pharisee’s eyes. He came to give us Life and give it more abundantly. He didn’t come to judge but to love us. If we can only grasp what that truly looks like.
Thank you for listening/reading….
Be Blessed,
Constance
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There are some in the United Pentecostal Church who erroneously believe that the organization now allows the viewing of Hollywood made movies and television programs. This misunderstanding arose when they removed the ban on ministers owning a television set in 2013 and also dropped two position papers (video restrictions and technology) and added a new one on the use of media. I have heard that some ministers almost immediately went and purchased a television set after this change, though some had already been using it for years.
While some individuals and even licensed ministers have taken these changes to mean that things previously prohibited are now permitted, the UPCI has NOT changed their stand against them. The Articles of Faith still state what they have for years: “We wholeheartedly disapprove of our people indulging in any activities which are not conducive to good Christianity and godly living, such as theaters, dances, mixed bathing or swimming, women cutting their hair, make-up, any apparel that immodestly exposes the body, all worldly sports and amusements, and unwholesome radio programs and music. Furthermore, because of the display of all these evils on television, we disapprove of any of our people having television sets in their homes. We admonish all of our people to refrain from any of these practices in the interest of spiritual progress and the soon coming of the Lord for His church.”
In the UPCI Manual, it is made clear what ministers may and may not view when it comes to the use of media. Article VII, Section 7 and 29 states, “The use of all media technology must strictly be limited to educational, religious, inspirational, and family content that is consistent with wholesome Christian principles. No minister shall use television or other media technology for the purpose of viewing worldly, carnal and unwholesome media; endeavouring to maintain a Godly atmosphere and influence in their lives.”
So while some ministers, churches and church members have let down on these standards, the United Pentecostal Church still states that they are against such things.
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The following article is written by a woman who wishes to remain anonymous. It is about Independent Fundamental Baptist churches, though others will also relate.
In my preteen years, I was taught to believe that expressing any negativity in any way was a way to show that I did not actually possess the Fruit of the Spirit (or evidence I was saved). Since the qualities included “joy” and “peace,” any sign of discouragement, depression, sadness, anxiety, was taken as a sign that I was under the devils influence. If I was under the influence of Satan, I was either “backslidden” or not truly saved.
Therefore, anytime I was in public, I was reminded by my mother, or people in my church, that in order to be a “good witness” for Christ (and not give God a bad name in the process), I had to put on my happy face. And I did so.
Anyone who saw me in my teenage years would have imagined that I was living a life of pure bliss. I was smiling literally ALL of the time. I always acted cheerful, even though inside, I was deeply depressed (in fact, nowadays, when I see a girl who smiles too much, I worry for her). I radiated what appeared to be pure joy, “the joy of the Lord,” so to speak.
However, I remember sitting in my room by myself, day by day, and being just so incredibly depressed. I would lie there, reading books or drawing pictures, and thinking to myself, “What is the purpose of living, if you’re just going to die anyway,” “Does anyone really care about me? Why do I actually exist at all,” and sometimes my thoughts would gravitate to how scary death would be. I would imagine my funeral and wonder how many people would show up if I died. I truly believe the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was because of the intense fear I had of going through the torment of the fires of Hell.
I remember one time, passing a note to my friend at church, which said, “If I died tomorrow, would you go to my funeral?” At the time, it seemed perfectly normal to ask such a question.
I sang a lot of “specials” (songs) at the church regarding joy. Here’s an example:
But what I couldn’t understand through the years was…why didn’t I feel this joy I sang of? I was living a lie, but was not allowed to acknowledge this fact. It was forced to be a secret buried deep within myself, and I despised it.
My mother frequently read my diary, so I never felt quite like I was able to be honest in it. Yet, I felt a deep desire to write! So sometimes I would begin a journal entry, and I would be honest about feeling bad…then I would consider whether the entry would be a “bad witness” for Christ. I worried that if I was to die that day and someone was to find it, they might think badly of God and therefore be denied the opportunity to be saved, so I would actually erase the entry and change it into something that looked “positive.”
For instance, I would think, “I feel so lonely. Why am I not happy? What is the purpose in life? There is no meaning in anything! The kids told me I was ugly today and it really hurt my feelings,” but I would write, “Today was such a BEAUTIFUL day! The sun was shining and I got to go to church and see my friend. Someone got saved today, and I’m so happy for them! I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow!”
If you read my journal back then, it might have seemed that things were good, but they were actually tragically bad. And this actually was a problem for years into my marriage also. I was unable to allow myself to believe anything was ever bad. This denial caused me to not be able to confront issues as they arrived and I went through much unnecessary hardship as a result.
The Bible NEVER condemns feeling sad, or anger, or any other God given emotions. Our emotions were given to us by God to help us to see and address problems in our lives. They are tools to help us, and they are not sin in and of themselves. Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” It does not say not to be angry, but not to allow that anger to cause you to SIN.
David poured out many tears to God, and expressed deep sorrow multiple times, and yet he was considered “a man after God’s own heart.” The Bible says that He knows our suffering intimately, and cares for us. He has experienced the same types of pain we have, while existing in human form on earth, and He knows our suffering and carries our burdens on His own shoulders when we give them to Him. Jesus – even though he was GOD HIMSELF and knew the final outcome of the situation- WEPT with Martha and Mary over Lazarus. He knows our emotions and does not hold them against us. He gave them for us, to help us heal. They are a GOOD thing.
If you have grown up with the idea that being true to who you are, and expressing emotions is a negative thing, or that God would be upset with you for expressing any sad, angry, or hurt feelings, please know that the God in scripture does not EVER express such an idea. Emotions are a gift from God. Being honest with who we are and what we feel is healthy. Being dishonest and wearing a mask is unhealthy and breeds resentment, and continues the cycles of depression. We must be honest with our emotions in order to find healing.
JOY does not necessarily mean that every moment you feel happy. True spiritual joy is in knowing that despite the trials we face here on earth, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and that NOTHING can separate us from His love. We can pour out our hearts HONESTLY to Him, and do not have to hold back our anger, tears, pain, disillusionment, etc. He understands, is patient with us, and helps us to heal with the tools he has given us – our emotions.
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Below is the experience of Melanie and Mark who were long-term members of the United Pentecostal Church. They pastored a church for years and Mark held several district positions during his time as a UPC minister. What happened to them isn’t just a one-time incident in the organization, as you will see from a second couple who recently shared a small part of their story. I saw Melanie’s story elsewhere and asked permission to share it here so that others would be able to see it and be helped and encouraged. (Some changes have been made.) The organization doesn’t just bite and devour some of its former members who were never licensed or didn’t hold positions, but they have also done so to their licensed ministers, people who have served the UPCI for years, some for decades.
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Mark was born and raised in the United Pentecostal Church. He is now 54. I left Catholicism and came in at 15 (37 years ago). After biting our (ever bleeding) tongues over hearing and seeing more than any one should hear or see as a Christian, much less as a minister in this organization … and further, after raising our children in this, we finally had enough and left about a year and a half ago. The only regret we have is that we didn’t have the courage to do it sooner.
We pastored for over 30 years in various capacities. Mark held many district positions. His most recent pastorate was for 18 years. When I stop here to say that Mark’s identity and livelihood was tied to the UPC, it is an understatement. His family goes back 4 generations. His great grandfather, grandfather, father, brothers, uncles and some cousins are all ministers. His family is well known and respected in the UPC. Most every member of his family, immediate and extended, are “in church”. As far as Mark’s livelihood goes, Mark worked at a building supply store, besides pastoring full time. Two thirds of our income was derived from the church. We depended on the church for our bread and butter. Mark had always felt it was important to earn his own paycheck from outside the church. We both felt it was important to interact with our small town community. However, to survive without the church income was somewhat impossible, or so we thought.
Now, my upbringing, on the other hand, was quite in contrast to Mark’s. My dad owned a bar and therefore, I was raised on the bar stool … the bartender’s daughter. Very well loved by him and quite protected by his bouncers and bartenders. However, I so desperately wanted to know and understand God, that I was willing to do what I needed to do, so as to “prove” it to Him. In reality, it really ended up that I was proving it to those who were telling me what to do. I truly came into this innocently but with a deep desire to learn about and love God. It wasn’t even a year after we were married when I began to see and question things that didn’t add up. But I buried those questions in an effort not to alarm Mark. Not knowing he had the same questions and concerns. During our 33+ years of marriage, we have seen and experienced more junk in the UPC than I care to mention! But as you also know, we were all taught to bury those concerns or questions and to trust in those who have rule over us, to carry on blindly, to focus on “God and His word,” or what they said was God’s word.
We have 3 children, 19, 21 and 29 years of age. We denied our children (and ourselves) so much life and fun in the attempt to do the “right thing”. I am deeply grieved when I think on it. Thankfully, our three children still love and serve God. They are strong in their faith in Him. They also love and are very loyal to family. We were always very open with them, encouraged discussion and also taught them to question and think for themselves. As a result of our deep discussions, our children each formulated their own beliefs and guidelines which, of course (no surprise), were very different than UPC and in some ways different than ours. We are ok with that. We want them to make their own decisions, just as we wanted to make our own. All 3 of our children and son-in-law chose to stay and help our efforts until we left. They all basically said the same thing but at separate times, when they each came to us on their own. They said since we all felt the same concerning the standards, or should I say legalism, they wanted to help us see this thing through and if we couldn’t see it through together, then they wanted us to all leave together rather than fragment off at separate times. We are so thankful for their moral support! Our children have made us feel so honored and loved. They are such blessings to us!!!
Over the years, we had always tried to do our best and comply with the all the rules in an effort to be pleasing to both God and man, with emphasis on “man”. We hoped we could make a difference in helping the 35+ congregation to see another way, to understand what God’s grace was really all about and to allow them to make their own choices without any interference from us. Sometimes we thought we were making progress. How wrong we were, and on so many counts! In spite of constant looks of judgement and gossip, we truly did love them and so continued at our post. It was a heavy load. We were depressed, bound and always stressed. All of us! I won’t go into the fact that our family had to do nearly everything in the church. That’s another long heart wrenching story.
We finally left after our church board was insisting that I quit my new job as an EMT. I had gone back to school, became an EMT and had been working on the ambulance corp for a year and a half before they found out I was wearing a uniform! …. more specifically pants and only while on duty. A double standard, we know. But, we knew that there might be some of the congregation that might accept my wearing them on the job only and then as a result, we might have an open door in the future to discuss the falseness in their long held beliefs. I know it was probably a futile effort, but we loved the people and so much wanted to open their eyes to God’s understanding, grace and freedom.
Let me point out here, that during Mark’s ministry, he never once preached standards. Mainly because he couldn’t bring himself to preach things he questioned. He always allowed people to make their own choices. However, when it was time for us to experience that same liberty, we were denied it … and with extreme anger judgement, I might add! The church turned on us, so ardently, that many fabricated rumors circulating concern our marriage and children! The shunning was so pronounced, it was as though all the good things and sacrifices we made over 18 years as pastor at this church, were negated from this one act! Of course I was to blame for leading my family astray. The woman is always at fault … Of course they say that because they can “see” the “sinfulness”. Mark was reduced to a non-thinking man that could only follow his wife! And our adult children and son-in-law, well it wasn’t their fault, they had no choice but to follow when the mother fails. When in fact, it was all of us choosing to think for ourselves and make our own decisions!
Anyway, there were so many major controlling and insulting issues over the years (too many to count) that should have made us walk away many years ago, but this was the final straw. I was only wanting to help by ministering to the practical needs of my neighbors and surrounding communities. I guess only “sinner” EMT women can minister in this way. None of the church folks would refuse help from a “sinner” EMT woman if she showed up. Anyway, I could rant on and on over the “should haves and could haves” but the simple fact is, we finally did it. We resigned and all left the same night. It was the best decision we ever made. It’s sad to say, but no one from the district has tried to contact us to see how we are. Mark even tried to ask to meet with some of the district board to discuss his concerns and differences before he made the decision to leave…. no bites. It’s painful and hurts deeply to realize their acceptance or approval of us was predicated upon our compliance. In spite of Mark’s good standing throughout all his life in the UPC, no one thought him important enough to check on on him and his family, or even throw him a lifeline. The hateful way we were treated over the couple months before we chose to resign, is more than I can write here. The shunning by the ladies alone was heart wrenching and painful. I became an outcast. No one would speak to me at service, for the most part I was ignored. There is so much more I could add, but I’ll stop now.
I still sometimes have to vent as things surface, but to dwell on them and continue to be angry about them is not something I want to subject myself to. To do so (to me) would make me feel and appear to God as though I am unthankful for His deliverance from this bondage of legalism. Besides, it really only hurts me and not those that have hurt me. The hardships, the lies, the loss of our good UPC standing, the loss of a lifetime network of friends and family, the pain of rejection, the public shaming that I have experienced (verbally in very public places) and the shunning cannot be compared to the the grace, the freedom, the happiness and the joy we now experience in God! Our good financial name has not suffered in the least. God provided ways for us to earn a living that we had not foreseen and would not have foreseen, had we not taken that leap of faith. My income as an EMT doubled since last year and Mark received an increase as well as the opportunity to work overtime every week. We don’t have much but we have enough to pay the bills and we are much happier and at peace. God has provided what we needed. We will never again allow ourselves to be dependent on any church for any amount of income. We are much happier not feeling obliged to the church in any way and earning our own way.
Our family is so much closer and so much happier than we have ever been. No more tension and scrutiny in our home. No more attempting to make sure we are complying to what others think. No more dread of and/or arguing on Sunday mornings and evenings. We look forward to Sunday mornings and going to a free thinking church. We all made our own decisions as to where we wanted to attend after taking a break. And to our surprise, we all ended up at the same church (a community minded Church of God, that does not subscribe to organized religion) and we still gather for Sunday dinner at our house every week. And no evening service! We have time for rest and family. Imagine that! Wow, what freedom! … What peace! What joy! It brings Mark and I so much joy to watch our children and their families live life freely. We have acquired a daughter-in-law and a grandson since we left. What a comfort to know our grandchildren will not be tainted by the UPC’s destructiveness and control.
We are free to love God and love our neighbors as we read it and see it in His word. We no longer serve other men’s convictions. We are free to apply the Scriptures to our lives and work out our own salvation as His word states we are to do. We are FREE at last! Best decision EVER! We are so happy, I smile and have tears of joy when thinking about it …. which is often, indeed. We are truly happy at last. BEST decision EVER!
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Note from Lois: Some may be interested in also watching two videos with Esther and Brian Henry, former United Pentecostal Church missionaries to Papua New Guinea. They were also pastors at a UPCI church in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin District of the UPCI and the District Superintendent at that time treated them very poorly. We also have a five part series about people where various people share about being harmed in the United Pentecostal Church.
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In November 2018, the blog section of the spiritual abuse website had 11,324 visits, with 8339 being unique. Below are the top ten read posts in November from two different authors.
Here are some of the words people used in search engines which led them to the blog: leaving the upci church, baptists women who leave the church, upci ministers, lady gets holy spirit on plane and saves lives, the bible is so simple that a fool could not err there in, united pentecostal church manual, leaving a baptist church, and women wearing skirts blogs. Each of these were used four or more times. Some others used just once were: why i left the pentecostal church, upci when would the district take over a church, pastor who failed to report sexual abuse, and who left upci in 2018. It’s interesting sometimes seeing how people came to access the blog.
We are always looking for new people to join our group of bloggers, so please consider registering and watch your email for more information. How frequently you post is up to you and no one needs to be a polished writer. Let your voice be heard and help others recover. You may even find it therapeutic. Read here for more information.
