Author: Lois

Unhealthy churches often place a focus on what we do, or rather, what we fail to do. There is usually a list of rules by which one is expected to abide. Sometimes these may change, making them more difficult to follow, and sometimes there are hidden, unwritten rules that one doesn’t discover until they break them. They regularly remind you that you are falling short and displeasing God. Will you ever live like is expected?

This mindset that such an environment produces, causes people to believe that God only loves them when they are keeping all the rules. His love becomes conditional upon their performance. This thinking throws faith out the window. It is no longer about what the death of Jesus means to believers, but about what we must do to please God and remain in his favor.

Some reach a breaking point. They believe they cannot meet all these standards and rules that they believe God has demanded. They feel like a failure. Since nothing they do seems to be enough for God, they give up. If you feel you are lost anyway, what difference does it make how you live? If all you do is mess up and fall short, even though you have some success, then what is the point? You may as well just live it up and do all the sinful things you want (real or imagined). And so some do go and live a “wild” life, at least for a season.

Those yet within may hear about those that do this and it will reinforce in their minds all the fear filled messages they have heard about people who leave the church/group. See what happens when you leave? You start down a “slippery slope” and end up in the gutter. What those within fail to see about these people is that they may be living this way, not because they didn’t desire to follow God, but because they felt they were a hopeless cause, not being able to live up to all the demands and expectations. They feel that God stopped loving them because they could not consistently measure up. They didn’t want this type of life, they wanted God, but they were misled to believe God’s love was conditional upon them making and keeping themselves righteous.

Thankfully, everyone doesn’t remain in this mindset, but some do- forever believing the distorted image of God that they obtained from the unhealthy church, thinking that he has rejected them. This is a very real and sad result of a spiritually abusive church.

I would hate to be in the shoes of these ministers who load heavy burdens upon people, like the Pharisees in the days of Jesus did. Jesus said that his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

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One of the distinguishing marks in unhealthy groups is that they have something special, that few others (or no one else) has. It could be a teaching, a revelation and even the pastor. In their minds, this sets them apart from others and makes them special.

Having something special that most others do not have is something that helps to keep members from leaving an unhealthy church. Outside of their doors is the mundane and God perhaps may not be found. Their church has special knowledge. Their church has a special pastor that teaches like no other or holds people in line like no other. Their church has a revelation that so far has just been given to them. They are special. They sit high on the hill and closer to God. They are the chosen. They are few. They are the ones called by God for this time.

There is excitement in such a setting. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of something special that God was doing?

You would think in such a setting that there wouldn’t be spiritual abuse, but there is. And as time goes on, leadership may become more and more abusive. The members allow and put up with it, as they have been conditioned to do so over he years. They still have that special something that others do not. They may even stand out from among other churches in their own group! Maybe they stand out so much that they split away to start their own group of authentic Christians. Others just don’t have what they have. They hold to the old paths and old ways. They are not weak on the message. And they will see to it that none of the members are!

If you feel that you would be leaving God if you left your group, chances are good that you are not in a healthy church. If leadership has told you this, you are definitely not in a healthy group. There is no Christian group that has God to themselves. There is no Christian group that has truth from God that is hidden to others and causes them to be lost while sincerely following God. God doesn’t give one group a special revelation that he withholds from others seeking him.

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Have you ever stopped to consider how your unhealthy church involvement affected more than just you? Stop and think about that. It doesn’t matter if you were single or married, an adult or child, born into it or you entered on your own later in life – your unhealthy church did more than affect you, but it also reached out to others you knew, be it family, friends or co-workers. We often talk about what it did to us who were members, but it did more than mess with us.

For some, it brought about a marriage that never would have happened if they were not members of the church & for others it brought about a divorce because one party felt unequally yoked. Others cut off family and friends because they would not join or were considered backslid, while some considered the church members more of a family than their natural family and therefore neglected family members. Church events were always more important.

Some members relentlessly witnessed to others, causing them to lose friends and even jobs. Others developed a holier-than-thou attitude, causing other divisions with family and friends, because they felt better and superior to outsiders. Even churches of a same group will play the holier-than-thou game, and dismiss similar churches and ministers simply because they differ in some beliefs.

For those with children, the unhealthy church may influence them to stifle their child’s interests if they happen to conflict with a church belief. The child who does not wish to be part of the church may be told they have to find another place to live. On the other hand, sometimes the parents are not members and kick the child out because they do not want them attending the church.

I could go on and on about the multitude of ways that being involved in an unhealthy church affects more than just you. It hits husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, children, siblings, other family members, friends, co-workers, employers, employees, neighbors, classmates, acquaintances and even strangers.

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In wanting to cover some ways men are particularly affected by spiritual abuse, let’s look at how the mindset often leads to ministers neglecting or mistreating their own wives and families.

Unfortunately in unhealthy churches, a minister often puts church above his own family. Members and church activities come before them. At the same time, the children feel extra pressure (possibly from both members and their father) to uphold the rules and appear spiritual and the wife may feel even more pressure in those areas.

There is also another side to this. While some ministers may be extra hard on family members, some let family get away with things that they would not let a regular member do. In other words, the rules for family are different from rules for members and you’d better not mention this. Some ministers may suddenly change a rule when their own children are older and want to do something that was previously forbidden.

At my former unhealthy church, the pastor’s wife once shared with me that she didn’t feel her opinion mattered. She felt pushed aside. Another minister who was friends with them, shared that the pastor promised him he would treat his wife better. This was when he was in his 60s and been married a long time. That is sad and I don’t know that he ever did. While some pastor’s wives can be very pushy and expect the red carpet to be thrown out for them, this pastor’s wife was certainly not that way.

It is very hard on a family when the minister husband and father treat church members better than them- when they have time for the needs of others and not family, when they can always work on things that need to be done at the church and not at home, when they are not there physically and/or emotionally for their own family yet are for others. This is certainly not what God intended. While ministers are called to be servants, they are not called to neglect their own familes in the process. But in unhealthy churches, their focus is wrong.

This has helped to cause some preacher’s kids to leave church and/or faith in Jesus. In some of their minds, they feel if God wants them to be neglected or mistreated, if God doesn’t care about their needs, why should they follow Him? Through the years I have operated my website and support group, I have encountered quite a few disillusioned and hurt PKs.

When men are taught, or learn from the example of others, that church is the most important thing in their lives, it harms many people. What is even more sad is that they are often blind to the fact that they are neglecting or abusing their own family.

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