In my first post, I tacked the issue of people expressing stupid platitudes on social media and some suggested coping strategies. My second one dealt with that tired old myth of God supposedly not giving us more than we can handle. In this one, I want to address two bereavement-related ones, particularly one that’s been a thorn in my side.
“Heaven needed another angel/heaven gained another angel.”
I fully appreciate the fact that grief is personal, and that these notions might comfort some who like the idea of their deceased loved one watching over them. However, there’s something that just seems so WRONG about offering this up as an explanation when a young child dies unexpectedly for no discernible reason or when a parent with young children dies because of an act of violence that never should have happened. Death may indeed be a symptom of a fallen world, but I don’t think explaining a loss by essentially stating that God needed them dead is particularly helpful.
Another frustrating one that I’m sure we’ve all dealt with:
“He/she is in a better place”
Two BIG problems I’ve observed with this one:
1. If the bereaved is struggling with their faith or has no religious faith, this statement likely offers zero comfort. An atheist friend summed it up accurately when talking about people saying this when her mother died after a bout with cancer. Her response was “No, she’s not, she’s in the ground.”
No matter what one’s beliefs about what happens after death are, they are physically absent and there are times this absence is going to be particularly painful. Sometimes there’s a fine line between genuine encouragement and useless platitudes, and “better place” talk often becomes the latter. We should remember that even Jesus wept at a friend’s grave – the pain that people feel at death was known to our Savior.
2. Sometimes the deceased was abusive or otherwise had a troublesome relationship with those left behind, and this may impact how comforting people find these words. I’m NOT saying it’s okay to gloat about the prospect of somebody spending eternity in hell. However, elevating someone to the level of sainthood just because they’re gone doesn’t erase the emotional and psychological pain that many still cope with after an abuser or otherwise toxic person passes.
I’ve noticed the immediate aftermath of someone’s death is when people seem to be most likely to have selective memory. Sometimes, particularly if the deceased was a substance abuser or mentally ill, their loved ones may be trying to absolve themselves of feeling guilty for snubbing the deceased when they were still alive. Grief is always more complicated than we’re willing to acknowledge, and I think people need to understand that every person’s “tear soup” recipe has different ingredients.
Stupid platitudes maybe aren’t going to go away on social media anytime soon, but we can at least prepare ourselves by knowing how to keep certain things out of our feeds and by having a different perspective on how to take some of these notions.
Social Media and Stupid Platitudes: Part 2
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